I brushed my teeth, changed clothes, and headed toward the bedroom. I paused before turning the knob to re-enter. If I laid down with Kelley, I’d be thinking about Erin until I fell asleep. I had enough confusion swirling through my mind and that would further complicate it. I stepped away from the door and walked into the living room. The couch would suffice to preserve my sanity tomorrow. I pulled the blanket from the back of the couch and forced myself back to sleep.

  *

  I was awakened the next morning with a barrage of questions from my mom, who was standing at the kitchen sink. I located my phone as she went on and on about my whereabouts. It was a little after nine and Erin hadn’t texted or called. She had to be on the road by now. I figured she was pissed I left, but I hadn’t expected her to leave the city without telling me. In that moment it also dawned on me I never told her I made it home last night.

  Good morning. Let me know if you made it out okay. Sorry I didn’t text you when I got home.

  As I was finishing the message, Kelley walked into the living room and sat next to me.

  “Good morning, Sleepy Head. When did you get in?” she asked with a smile, pulling my blanket toward her as she sat at the end of the sofa. I leaned up and kissed her cheek.

  “About three or so. It was late and I didn’t want to wake you, so I slept out here.” I was giving too much information. There was no need for her to suspect anything because Erin didn’t live here. Worst case scenario she would think I was out with friends.

  Before the questions continued, I told her a story about having drinks and falling asleep at a friend’s house. There was no need to add more lies to the one I had just told. I changed the subject.

  “I think I may have to go down to New Orleans for a project,” I said to no one in particular. My mom was still in the kitchen and my dad was sitting in his chair with King, our dog, under his feet.

  “When?” Kelley asked, checking the calendar on her phone.

  “In a few days. I’m going to shadow someone who has the same job down there.”

  It wasn’t a complete lie. That was the purpose of my trip. I just happened to have planned it when I knew Erin would be there.

  “I’ll only be gone three or four days. It’s during the time you’ll be in New York.” I reassured her, still giving too much information.

  “I cancelled that trip so we could do something together.” She paused for a moment. “It’s fine. I know work is busy right now. We can go somewhere when you return.”

  I sat and waited for another response, but she moved on. I was paranoid she could sense my untruths. This was becoming more taxing than I anticipated.

  When Kelley and I first met, there was a lot of spontaneity in our relationship. Aside from traveling, we lived a carefree, kid-free life. I accepted she was the best I could hope for. More than anything, I knew she wouldn’t leave me, but I had now reached the point where I was tired of settling.

  I desired the life I had always fantasized about living. I was ready to start building the family I had always fancied. More than anything, I wanted Erin by my side to share in this dream.

  I loved Kelley and had planned to do so for life, but it was clear no matter the distance or how much time had passed, Erin would always have my heart.

  It was time to be honest with both of them, even if it meant losing everything.

  eighteen.

  “How was New York?” Erin asked.

  “New York?” I cocked my head to the side. I hadn’t told her about New York. I decided it was best to avoid more lies by leaving out New York altogether. “Oh, New York was cool. It was colder than I planned, but I prepared accordingly.”

  “Planned?” she pressed. Was she jealous?

  “Yeah, it was a last-minute trip when we went. Nothing major.” It was clear Erin knew more than she was letting on. If I hadn’t learned anything else in the time we had known each other, omission was still lying, if only by another name. “Why are you asking about New York? That trip was months ago,” I flipped the questions back on her. I wasn’t in the mood to play guessing games. That’s how we ended up where we were. Our relationship was all about guessing where the other one stood.

  “Who did you go with?” She kept a neutral tone. Her disposition was hard to read over the phone.

  I kept my responses vague. “Just some friends.” Now that was a lie. “Are you ready for our trip?”

  Erin popped her lips, a sure sign that this conversation was about to go somewhere I wasn’t ready to visit. “Hold that thought. I’ll call you right back!”

  Immediately ending the call, I stared around the room, looking for the hidden camera that must be planted. How had she known about New York? What was I missing?

  “Hey, babe,” Kelley called out. She had just returned from grabbing lunch.

  “Gimme just a second.” I needed to transition from that conversation. I let out a deep sigh and stepped into the bathroom.

  Standing in the mirror, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I didn’t recognize myself. My appearance was the same, but my soul was heavy. I splashed water on my face. I’m going to tell her. She should know.

  I grabbed a towel from the rack to dry off and joined Kelley in the living room.

  “You all right?” she asked with a smile. I had been in the bathroom longer than it seemed.

  “Yeah, I’m good.” I lied through a smile. “I just wanted to freshen up.”

  As we ate wings and watched football, I began to relax. Sitting there, I realized this was what I had signed up for. Weekends on the couch watching football and chilling. I had entered a life of spontaneous trips and expensive habits—with Kelley. This was the choice I made.

  I would see it through.

  *

  It was almost 2 a.m. Between the wings and the lies, I had been tossing and turning all night.

  I slid my phone from the nightstand. Opening my email, I delayed adding Erin’s name to the address bar. I held it tightly, willing the right words come to me, wanting her to read them and understand.

  Kelley began to stir. I reduced the screen’s brightness and moved further from where she lay. I wasn’t ready to bare my soul to her just yet. She was still caught in the honeymoon phase of our nuptials. Knowing that Erin was still a factor would crush her. As her partner, I was supposed to protect her from that at all costs.

  Dear Erin...

  That was too formal.

  Hey Baby...

  Scratch that.

  Erin,

  There’s no easy way to say this, but it needs to be said. I got married in New York. I didn’t know how to tell you, but you should know. I still love you. You just wouldn’t commit to me or the idea of us without stipulations. I needed that. I’m sorry. I’m hoping we can one day be real friends.

  —Peyton

  The tears flowed as I typed her name into the address bar. I sat up on the edge of the bed. She deserved more than an email. She deserved more than this. They both did. I looked back at Kelley, who was fast asleep.

  She had been everything I thought I wanted. And here I was doing it again. I settled for the certainty of my dream versus the ambiguity of my reality.

  *

  I rolled over to an empty mattress. Squinting, I realized I was in the guest room across the hall. The bare, eggshell-colored walls made the room appear brighter as the sun shone in through the blinds. I felt around for my phone, shaking out the comforter before hearing a thunk on the carpet.

  Scooping it up, I opened my email. It was still in my drafts.

  I gathered myself and retreated to the kitchen to fix a cup of coffee. Kelley wasn’t an early riser, so I assumed she was still in bed until I heard a key turn in the front door.

  “You’re up early!” I said leaning over the island as she walked in.

  “I wanted to get in a run. You were sleeping peacefully and I didn’t want to wake you.” She planted a kiss on my forehead.

  “I had a rough night, so I moved to keep from disturbing you. I’ll hit the gym later.” I walked to the couch, passing the hallway to the bathroom.

  I heard the hiss of the shower starting before Kelley re-appeared in the doorway naked.

  “Wanna come?” she grinned, pulling her hair into a bun.

  I should have relished the opportunity to join her, but I wasn’t in the mood. “Raincheck?” I said, lifting my cup. “I want to finish my coffee while it’s hot.”

  “Your loss,” she said cunningly, sashaying away.

  I settled in on the couch, pulling the throw over my legs and flipping on the TV. Love Jones was on. Similar to The Notebook, I could sit and watch it all day on repeat. It was something about the absurdity of the relationship that made it feel real.

  I was so engulfed in my thoughts, comparing myself to characters in the movie and sipping my coffee I didn’t notice Kelley until she retreated next to me.

  Darius Lovehall, played by Larenz Tate, was walking with a woman past the bookstore where Nina was browsing. She was aghast, which is the reaction I imagined Erin had when she found out—if she had found out—I was married. I needed to be the one to tell her. It wouldn’t lessen the blow, but she didn’t deserve to find out like Nina. I would tell her in person.

  Kelley nestled closer to me pulling my cover over her.

  “The trip to Baltimore with the team is in January,” I told her, reminded by the rain scene. “It must’ve been sent last night.” The timing wasn’t ideal, but at least I would get the chance to see Erin without telling another lie to do so.

  “I’ll be home till then. I don’t go back out until February.” She kissed my hand which was interlaced with hers.

  I squeezed her tightly. This was who I signed up for.

  nineteen.

  Two months later, I rang the doorbell and waited on Erin’s doorstep. It was a cold and dreary February afternoon in DC. There was still snow on the ground from a storm a few days prior. She had told me not to come. She had no desire to see me, nor talk to me. She knew what I had been avoiding telling her for months and I had not been the one to do so. I rang the doorbell again and sat on the top step, waiting. Although the damage had been done, I owed her an explanation.

  I am going to ring the doorbell every fifteen minutes until you come and talk to me. I know you are home.

  I had been in Baltimore to attend a career fair in hopes of landing a new job. Even if I had to commute daily, I would only be an hour from Erin and we could finally begin our happily ever after... Maybe.

  When I arrived at her house from Union Station, I peeked into her backyard to see if her car was there before proceeding to the front. I had made this same voyage yesterday with the same intention, but she was not home. It had been a pointless trip then, but that didn’t deter me from trying again. It was my last chance to make it right.

  I stood up and rang the doorbell again and returned to my seat on the steps. I was not dressed for this intention. My thin dress pants and tweed winter jacket were a bad match for the wind that continued to pierce through my clothes. My face was starting to go numb. It was metaphorical for my actions and therefore, I deserved to suffer. Even if I had to sit there all night, I would wait.

  I pulled my Beats headphones from my bookbag and added them as a warming layer. I wanted advice on what to do next, but I was too embarrassed to share my plight with anyone who mattered. Most of them never understood why I loved Erin the way I did anyway. It would have been a waste of time. Instead, I commiserated by listening to Robin Thicke and waiting on the timer to chime on my phone. The sun was starting to set and traffic was building on the street. Rush hour was well underway.

  As I sat there, listening to sad love songs, I started to cry. My emotions ranged from anger to sadness. More than anything, my cowardness had led me to this point. I was disappointed in myself for not being patient with Erin and her process and for lying. Before I could get too deep in my self-loathing, my timer went off. I wiped my tears on the off chance she opened the door this time and stood up. Sitting on concrete steps in thirty degree weather for over an hour was starting to physically hurt. I rang the doorbell again, but before I could make it the two feet to return to my seat, I heard her running down the steps and the door unlocking.

  “Why do you keep ringing my doorbell? I have nothing to say to you.” She wasn’t yelling, but her face was red and her eyes were bulging. I had never seen her like this before. It was clear she had been crying.

  “I told you I wasn’t leaving until I talked to you,” I responded calmly. I didn’t want to further trigger her by mirroring her disposition.

  She opened the door and allowed me to step inside. Not because I was freezing, but rather she didn’t want anyone in her business as they may walk past the house.

  “I don’t have shit to say to you. I asked you to leave me alone. That didn’t mean show up at my house!” She spoke with her hands before crossing her arms over her chest. Her feet were planted firmly as she stood against the wall between the steps and the door.

  I faced her squarely but stayed silent. I lowered my head attempting to avoid her gaze and the discomfort I felt watching the pain emit from her words.

  “How long have you been married?” she continued. “I was just with you in December. Was it before then? It had to be. How long, Peyton?” I lifted my head. There was no need to tell another lie. When a woman asks a bunch of questions, nine times out of ten they already have the answers. They are just waiting to see if you’re going to own it.

  “Since September,” I murmured, looking down at the floor.

  “September? I knew it! I knew something wasn’t right when you went to New York.” She put her hand over her mouth and shook her head in slow motion. Tears were welling in her eyes.

  “I’m filing for divorce. I tried to get it annulled, but it was too late.” The weight was finally starting to lift, but the damage had already been done. “I’m sorry. It just happened.” I confessed. I was moving toward her, but she was still closed off. I stopped just short of wrapping my arms around her.

  “Shit like that doesn’t just happen, Peyton. Why are you still here? Go be with your wife!” she cried out and wiped her tears. Erin didn’t curse, so I knew she was pissed.

  She was right. The marriage didn’t just happen. It had been planned and called off for over a year. When Kelley and I flew to New York in the fall, I suggested we hire an officiant and elope atop the Empire State Building where we had taken our first trip. Things were going well between us at the time. I still felt deeply for Erin, but I was no longer willing to sacrifice a sure thing for her ambiguity.

  “I want to be with you! I only want you! I have always only wanted you!” I opened both hands toward her, raising my voice, still careful not to encroach on her space.

  “If you wanted me, we wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t have gone off and married someone else. Does she even know you are here?” She unfolded her arms and stepped toward the door. My time was winding down but I wasn’t prepared to leave. “You know what… It doesn’t matter.” She gave me the church finger and opened the front door, exposing us to the evening traffic. The cold air seeped through the glass, creating a foggy condensation.

  “Erin, I love you. Please, don’t do this. I’m going to make it right,” I pleaded.

  “You did this, Peyton. This was all you.” Tears were falling from her eyes. This time when I stepped toward her, but she extended her hand to block my progression.

  “I am going to fix this,” I continued. “If I can’t be with you, I don’t want this life. Let me fix this.” I picked up my bag and stared at her. Even through her tears, she was so beautiful. And now, because of me and what I had done, she was also broken.

  We stood there silently looking at each other for what felt like hours. Despite the gravity of the situation, I was at ease. It was the calm before the storm.

  “Where is your coat?” she said wearily. She frowned at the waist-length jacket I was wearing.

  “It’s right here. This is the jacket I always wear.” I stretched out one arm and looked down at my jacket. She walked over to the closet and retrieved a scarf.

  “Put this on. It’s below freezing outside,” she said, placing the scarf in my hand, careful enough not to make contact.

  It was time for me to leave. I doubled the scarf, wrapped it around my neck, and tucked it in my jacket. She stepped away from the door as I edged toward it. I turned back to look at her.

  “I do love you, Erin Johnson. And I’ll do whatever it takes to prove it to you or die trying.”

  I walked down the steps and turned in the opposite direction of the train station. I had no destination, but I wanted to stay as close to her as possible for as long as I could. Like so many times before, I didn’t know when I would see her again or if this time would truly be my last.

  twenty.

  Filing for a divorce without a lawyer is hard. Trying to do so while relocating to a new state is harder.

  I was pursuing my dreams at all costs. If this was the path to happiness, sacrifices needed to be made along the way. When I left Erin’s doorstep four months ago, moving to DC was still the goal. Now my truth was out, I focused on what it would take to make it a reality.

  I arrived in Chicago to attend a six-week training before moving to Memphis to run my own school. It was the middle of June and the weather was extremely fickle. One day it was hot as Atlanta and the next it was cold and rainy. Compared to down South, where I could throw on some light chinos and a polo to be professional in ninety-degree weather, this environment called for button downs and slacks every day.

  The career fair in Baltimore hadn’t gone as well as I had anticipated. None of the job opportunities advanced me where I aspired to go in my career. I needed to keep climbing the ladder even if it temporarily moved me further from where I wanted to be. I also didn’t want to be that close to Erin and continue to feel invisible.