“What is your problem?” I asked breaking away from the monotonous pleasantries. “We keep doing this dance and seem to still be stuck in the same place.”

  There was nothing but roadway ahead of me for miles. Similar to our relationship, I was moving forward, but nothing seemed to change.

  “You have some nerve asking me what my problem is when it’s clear that something is wrong with you.”

  It was like a light switch had been flipped. Erin went from calm to yelling into the receiver, which reverberated through my car speakers. She continued. “If I’m not doing what you want me to do, you find other forms of entertainment. I’m not here for your convenience!”

  Nothing I could say was going to disarm her. I listened to her confront my actions as I silently counted the trees along the highway. Her anger was not about Kelley. It was fresh but I didn’t understand why.

  I tried to interject, “Are you going to let me talk?”

  “Go talk to the chick from the baseball game!”

  And there it was. The innocence of a picture used as the evidence against me. I should have known better. This was the same tactic she employed to check up on me when she claimed she didn’t want anything to do with me before. I had always kept my pages open as a means for her to see me if she ever wanted to. This was before we got back together, or whatever it was we had been doing. She claimed she never looked then. Now it was a different story.

  “I went to a baseball game with a group of people!” I rolled my eyes. “If you don’t want anything to do with me then why are you checking my social media?” Traffic was starting to build. I was still about twenty minutes from getting home and I didn’t want to be pissed off while driving in stop and go traffic.

  “You could have gone to the baseball game with me if you had come to visit when I asked. And before you say it, yes, I know why you said you didn’t come, but that’s bullshit.” I slammed my hand against the steering wheel in frustration. It was rare for me to curse at her, but her ignorance didn’t bode well with me.

  “I drop everything to come and see you.” I could feel my temper rising and continued. “You couldn’t take a few days to come see me and spend time with me, but you want to complain about me living my life.”

  Maybe I struck a nerve because she was silent. At that point, I didn’t care.

  “All I want is to be as important to you as you are to me. You continue to push me away, and like a stray puppy, I keep coming back because I just want you. Why don’t you see that?” I stopped yelling and slowed the car down. My foot got heavier as my irritation grew. “Loving someone shouldn’t be this difficult.”

  “Are you done?” she asked.

  “For now…” I just knew she was preparing her counter argument. Erin was an orator and no matter how well I thought I presented my case, she was going to rip it apart.

  “First of all—”

  “Don’t start off with first of all,” I interrupted. “That means you want to argue, and I’m not trying to argue. I just stated how I felt.”

  “Like I said, first of all, you’re still married until the judge says you’re divorced. You know how I feel about marriage, and although you don’t seem to value it, I’m not going to change my beliefs just because of how I feel about you.” She was just warming up. I turned the car volume down more than I had previously.

  “I told you why I wasn’t coming to see you. That doesn’t mean you go out and spend time with someone else. You don’t like sitting in the discomfort, but you caused all of this.” I could picture her pointing into the air as she said it.

  I cut her off. “You’re right! The reason we are here now is because I didn’t want to continue to be cast aside while you figure out the right time to fit me into your perfect little life. You want me to be in the shadows until you’re ready to be who you are.” I was becoming more vulnerable. “I want to be with someone who isn’t ashamed to show up with me on their arm. I have been out for almost half of my life. As much as I love you, I’m not going to remain invisible until you’re ready. That’s not me.” I was pointing to my chest. The contact to my heart reminded me I was talking to someone who I loved and wanted nothing more than to be loved in return. “All I have ever asked is you make me a real person. Why is that so hard for you? You live by yourself; you pay your own bills. I just don’t get it.” I sighed. I had shed enough tears and they had led me here. I was tired of crying.

  “I wanted my family to meet my partner and have ‘the’ conversation. They would be ‘the one’ so even if my family shunned me, I’d have someone there to support me. My family is close. Even if they disagreed with my ‘choice,’ they wouldn’t turn their backs on me—I think. And they may still have questions for my partner. I didn’t want to put anyone in an uncomfortable situation. As much as my family loves me, this type of conversation can go anywhere. At one point, I thought the person they’d meet would be you.” There was a pregnant pause, but I didn’t say anything. I sat in the discomfort. “But it wasn’t.”

  I was dumbfounded. Had she had this conversation with her family while with someone else? I looked out at the sea of red taillights still ahead of me. I was tired. Tired of sitting in traffic. Tired of the back and forth. Tired of the endless riddles. I just wanted an answer. I wanted Erin, but all of her rules and stipulations were never ending. She couldn’t just let love be. It had to be on her terms.

  “So you told them?” I asked, trying not to sound too surprised.

  “Yeah. And it was easier than I thought. Thank you for pushing me out of my comfort zone. I needed that.”

  “But you don’t need me?” I was reaching for an ending. Closure, even. I was all out of options. If we weren’t going to be happy together, then I was wasting my time. “All I have ever asked of you is to make me real! Show me I’m important enough to you to be real. You couldn’t do that, and now you have no reason to.” My reality was shifting before my eyes. We had been able to recover from so much, but this seemed like the final nail in the coffin. It was the ultimate non-negotiable. “I can’t do this with you any more, Erin. I love you, but this isn’t healthy.” I had a knot in my chest and the veins in my hands were bulging from squeezing the steering wheel. She was sniffling, but otherwise silent. I refused to cry on the phone.

  “Okay,” she said.

  “Okay—” I started to say the same, but she had already ended the call.

  As hard as I tried, I couldn’t hold back any longer. I let the tears fall as I exited the interstate. I forfeited my marriage to be with the woman I was born to love. Now she was gone, too. I pulled onto the shoulder and just let it all out. The more I thought about us, all the bullshit I had put other women through, and the changes I made in pursuit of this woman, I sobbed more.

  Darkness was creeping across the Delta when I finally pulled into my driveway. The flat landscape of the neighborhood made the sky appear larger than I had noticed before. Once inside, I poured a full glass of red wine and started the water for a hot shower. I wanted nothing more than to wash away the past few hours of my life.

  I took a long sip and disrobed before stepping in the steam-filled tub. As the warm water flowed over me, I thought of how I had ended up here. Time after time, I had rushed into what made me feel good instead of waiting for what I said I wanted, leaving a wake of broken hearts where I had once been.

  Stepping on to the shag mat, I took another sip from my glass. I stood there, naked, and tilted the stem of the glass toward the ceiling. “Ah.” It was the release I needed to avoid doing something stupid.

  I walked back to the kitchen to refill my glass and grab my phone. Still wrapped in a damp towel, I collapsed onto the couch. Laila would cheer me up, I thought before I put the phone down. I needed to feel the pain I had caused. Then, maybe, I would consider the consequences before doing it again.

  twenty-two.

  Shortly after the conversation with Erin, I called it quits with Laila. We were on different trajectories in life and the connection was no longer serving me the way it had when I was in Chicago.

  Although Kelley was still in Alabama, she provided a place of comfort in my despair. Even with the divorce ruling pending, we were speaking regularly, mostly about how we had ended up together, and now apart. She had seen pictures of Laila too but reasoned she wasn’t in a position to feel any kind of way given our status. In all fairness, she had every right to be upset, but it would not have changed the outcome.

  “I have a few days off around the time of your birthday. Have you made plans yet?” I asked Kelley, not really sure what to expect.

  “I have.”

  “With who?” I asked before I had a chance to think about what I was saying. “My bad. I guess that isn’t my place to ask.”

  “No, you can ask. That won’t change my plans.” She was quick to remind me of where I stood in this situation.

  “Nah, I’m good. If you gotta go through all of that, it must be with your new little piece,” I assumed without proof. Admittedly, I was a little jealous even before she confirmed her plans. I wondered who she was hooking up with and how long it had been going on. Had she been talking to them while we were still together? I had so many questions. And yet, I was in no position to put her on trial.

  “My bad. That was rude,” I said. “If you want to do something another weekend, you’re more than welcomed to come visit. I could show you Memphis.”

  *

  A few weeks after her birthday, Kelley came to visit and continued to visit regularly over the next few months.

  “What are we doing here?” Kelley asked one evening after I’d come in from work. I wasn’t quite sure how to answer her question.

  “I’m taking off my shoes. You are watching TV.” I tried to make light of a conversation that had the potential to go left.

  “Be serious,” she chided. “I need to know if we are staying together or not. I don’t want to keep playing house if we aren’t building a home.”

  She made a valid point. I wanted to build my life. It was over between Erin and I, so maybe this was my last chance at forever.

  “I think we play it by ear. Things have been going well... So maybe we keep doing what we are doing.”

  I reflected on how we had gotten here and it was all because of me. If we weren’t going to get a divorce, I had to be all in.

  Erin still lingered in the back of my mind. Although it was clear to me we had run our course, she would remain a part of me forever. I was determined to rebuild with Kelley.

  *

  January rolled around like it did every year. In the months since Kelley and I set our intentions to move forward, I focused on establishing my dreams with her. We moved in together and despite her true feelings on the matter, she didn’t explode when I mentioned Erin would be joining me at the National Educators Conference in DC in a few weeks.

  “Thank you for being honest with me,” she said as I casually broached the subject after receiving an email to confirm my guest.

  “I don’t want to hide anything from you.” It was a truth I believed in as the words rolled off my tongue. Deep down I didn’t know what to expect if Erin actually showed up. I needed to be prepared.

  Just checking in to see if you’re still going to be my plus one.

  Before Chicago, I invited her to attend the event as my guest to network with those in her field from across the country. After some trepidation, she hesitantly agreed.

  That was before Laila. That was when I was still planning the divorce that was no longer happening.

  Four months ago, I thought I was cured. Now here I was again, exposing myself to my drug of choice without a plan. There were no plans for the future. There was no friendship building. The messages passed between us were proof of life. More confirmation to her I had survived despite my conviction I would die without her. Those exchanges were my new version of love.

  *

  When I arrived at the conference the night before it began, Erin still hadn’t responded to my text. Maybe she wasn’t coming. Maybe that was for the best.

  From my downtown hotel window, there were no stars to wish upon. Only streetlights and traffic. She was so close yet so far away.

  We met for coffee after the morning sessions on the first day of the weekend long event. I had locked myself out of my hotel room where the conference was being held, so we opted to sit in the mezzanine lobby away from traffic. It was probably for the best. If we ended up in the hotel room, there would be no more conferencing for the day.

  “Hi.”

  “Hi.”

  It was a moment from Scandal. Olivia and Fitz greeted each other this way when they had reunited after a fight. With that greeting, we let down our guard toward one another.

  We made small talk before taking a seat in the mezzanine lobby.

  “What’s new with you?” she asked as if she had a second sense.

  “Running a new school in a new place. Living the dream, I guess. You?” I kept my response vague. Trust wasn’t something I could easily give her in that moment.

  “Finally getting your dream job, huh?” There was a hint of excitement in her voice. Opening a school had always been the goal. I shrugged it off.

  “You still at the same job?” I pivoted the line of questioning away from me. I wanted to know as much as I could about the time I had missed.

  “I’m starting a new job in a few weeks. Nothing major.” She started fidgeting in her purse.

  Admittedly, I was a little jealous. I enjoyed my job. It was, in part, the one thing I wanted to do since breaking into education. But now I was ready to build a legacy and start having kids.

  We sat and people watched a bit more before I escorted down her to her car. I didn’t want her to leave, but I had other plans for the afternoon.

  “Why couldn’t we get it right together?” I asked as she opened her car door.

  “You’ve always wanted what you want when you wanted, and I don’t operate like that. You should know that by now.” She slid in the white Cayenne and rolled the window down. “Maybe you’ll learn before it’s too late.” I was close enough to catch a whiff of that familiar scent that had stayed with me after all those years.

  “Maybe,” I said tapping the window seal. “Hit me up if you are free later.”

  As she drove off, I followed her taillights until they turned onto another street. I pulled out my phone as I walked back into the hotel. Kelley hadn’t called or texted. There were only messages about the happenings of the evening from acquaintances at the conference.

  There seemed like a lot of people to see and things to get into. Whether Erin and I saw each other later or not, I was destined to have a good night. Her skipping out on the rest of the afternoon events was of no consequence to me. I never expected her to show, but I was glad I got to see her. The rest of the night would be for networking and catching up with old friends.

  Since I reconnected with Erin in my first year of teaching, most of the people I confided in professionally knew about her. After seeing some of the people I’d known since I broke into education, I thought about how much Erin and I had been through over the years. From a sure thing to nothing. Now, here we were almost ten years later and no different than how we were back then.

  I spent the rest of the afternoon between the hotel lobby bar and convention center hall before heading to the closing ceremony at the Verizon Center. Janelle Monaé gave a hell of a performance as I made my way around the venue.

  Around eight thirty, I headed back toward the hotel to avoid the mad rush at the end of the concert. On the walk back, I finally received a text from Kelley.

  How’s your trip?

  I hadn’t communicated much outside of my arrival.

  Going well.

  Busy but fun.

  How are you?

  I knew she was probably worried about what I was doing and who I was doing it with, but I wasn’t a mind reader.

  I’m fine. Call me later if you have time.

  I had the time and space, but I needed it for myself. She had ventured off to New York again for work shortly after I left for DC and we hadn’t really spoken much since. She knew Erin and I might see one another, but she never brought it up prior to me leaving. There was no need to broach the subject now. I would be home tomorrow, and DC and all of her inhabitants would be behind me.

  Entering the lobby, it appeared everyone else had the same idea of leaving the concert early. The bar had turned into a lounge space and was popping. I found my former boss and we reconnected over a couple of drinks. Before either of us got too comfortable, I made my way back to my hotel room alone.

  Conferences had a way of making everyone forget about their commitments back at home. I had enough going on and didn’t need the further complication of ending up in someone else’s room.

  It was almost nine o’clock before Erin’s text jolted me awake. The hustle of the day mixed with all the drinks I had consumed finally caught up with me.

  I’m free if you are.

  I was tired, but who was to say when I would see Erin again. I sat up and looked around my hotel room. There was nothing more than my closed suitcase on the bench across the room.

  How long before you’re here?

  I brushed the staleness from my breath and washed my face. The least I could do was be a present host.

  I’ll pick you up in ten.

  I shrugged. Staying in my hotel room with her would only land me in one of two places—being honest or cheating on Kelley—neither of which I was ready for.

  *

  On the short drive to her house, she seemed tense, wrapping her fingers around the steering wheel and releasing them in a deliberate stretch. “You good—” I started to ask. Before I could finish the sentence, she cut me off.