*

  By nine o’clock that evening, Erin still hadn’t texted or called. I switched my phone off and back on again to check I had signal. When I climbed into bed at midnight, there was still nothing. I checked once more in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep. I laid awake staring at the ceiling while the fan hummed overhead. Could something have happened to her?

  Good morning sunshine. Just checking on you.

  Given the time, I didn’t expect a response until late in the day. Around lunchtime when there was still no proof of life, I began to worry, so I called.

  “Hello.” She answered the phone like I was a telemarketer.

  “Hello? You forgot about me already?” I joked. I wanted to hear her smile, but there was nothing jovial in her tone.

  “I’m about to go swimming. What’s up?” She spoke quickly as if I interrupted something. In the background, I heard what I assumed was people splashing in the pool.

  “You didn’t respond to any of my messages earlier. I wanted to check on you. Just hit me up later if you find the time.” I ended the call without saying bye.

  My feelings were so hurt I felt numb. We’d just spent an entire summer together, plus a bonus vacation in Florida. Now, all of a sudden, she was distant. I knew there wasn’t anyone else. Or was there?

  The questions swirling in my mind took me down a rabbit hole. I didn’t know if I had grounds to ask them since we were not technically in a relationship, but I needed to know. I just wasn’t sure how to ask. I decided it was best to wait until we had a real conversation before I brought it up.

  *

  Labor Day came and went before we spoke on the phone again, though it felt like a lifetime. School had just started for Erin, so talking on the phone was limited.

  “How was the cookout?” I asked, recalling the Alumni Festival which took place over the holiday weekend in DC.

  “It was fine.” There was a lingering of silence. “Did you just call to make small talk?” She had a hint of attitude in her tone. I pulled the phone away from my ear and looked at the screen. Who did she think she was talking too?

  I snapped back before apologizing. ”No. I really want to know.”

  I wanted nothing more than to start the conversation over from the top. I pressed on asking about the trip and sharing about my first weeks of school. We had planned to see each other for homecoming in October, but at the rate this conversation was going, I doubted it would happen.

  I stretched out across my bed and put her on speaker.

  “What else is on your agenda for today?” I asked, settling in.

  “I’m going to call you back,” she said, ending the call abruptly.

  No sooner than the phone going silent, I sat up, grabbed my keys, and walked out of the house. Lying in bed would just cause me further anguish. I walked down to the grocer on the corner and grabbed a bag of VooDoo chips and a drink before heading over to the lake.

  Spanish Town Lake was nestled between an apartment building, the state capitol, and my neighborhood. Lined with sweeping oak trees and Spanish Moss, it was the perfect outdoor spot to think in peace. I twisted the top off of the half pint of Crown and poured it into my Coke. I sat, sipped, and ate my chips. I didn’t know how to feel so I tried not to.

  What had happened between Florida and now Erin would change so much? Didn’t she know I loved her?

  I people watched until I felt the first sting of a bloodthirsty mosquito on my arm. A cool breeze whisked across the lake as the sun started to set.

  Walking the few blocks back to my garage apartment, I noticed an unread text from Erin. Pissed I hadn’t seen it earlier, I called without really reading it. After it went straight to voicemail, I reopened the message.

  I don’t think we should talk anymore.

  The text read as painful as a paper cut, sharp and shallow. The throbbing sound of my heart breaking intensified with every breath I took.

  What did I do? Can we talk about this?

  My thoughts raced. I replayed the conversations we had. Was it the sex? Was I becoming too clingy? She hadn’t responded. I waited about an hour. Still nothing. I called again. It went straight to voicemail on the first ring. I tried to figure out what I did and how I could fix it. Did she not like the package I sent? Had I misread everything that had taken place between us? I turned the key in the front door and the tears began to fall.

  Please call me.

  Still, no response. I climbed into my bed. Tossing and turning through the night, I got very little sleep. Each time I woke up, I checked my phone. At six o’clock when my alarm went off, there was still nothing. I pulled the cover back over my head and laid there.

  Please don’t do this. Talk to me.

  I wanted to disappear. Although I lived alone, I wanted to sink away into an undiscoverable abyss. I folded myself into a ball and wept like a baby until I fell back asleep.

  It was as if she had just vanished into thin air. The past five months learning and falling in love with this woman had been a dream come true. Her last seven words had become my greatest nightmare.

  *

  By the end of the week, I finally pulled myself together enough to return to work and make it back home. I reached out to Erin again with no response.

  It had been three days. Anytime my phone chirped, I leapt to get it, hoping it was her. This time, it was Parker. She had been messaging and calling for the past week.

  Are you okay?

  We still needed to settle some items from our breakup. At this point, I wasn’t in the mood, but I didn’t want any more bad blood. Her family was well-connected and I’m sure they were aware of what happened back in May. Continuing to blow her off would not bode well for me if I wanted to elevate my status in the community.

  I will be.

  I tossed the phone aside and fell backward, staring at the popcorn ceiling.

  As expected, she called to say she was coming over. Despite how I had treated her, I knew she still cared. That’s what I needed in that moment. A shoulder to cry on. Someone to care.

  “What’s wrong with you?” Parker asked after I let her in and climbed back into bed.

  It took no time for her to see something was off. I propped myself up on a pillow as she sat on the end of the bed.

  “She broke my heart,” I started to explain.

  “That’s what you get!” She attempted to tone down her enjoyment of my predicament by muting her smile, but it was too late.

  “I’ll give you a pass given what I put you through.” I retorted with a straight face.

  Parker shouldn’t have been there to put me back together after Erin left me in pieces, nevertheless, I’m glad she was.

  nine.

  The leaves filled the courtyard outside of my classroom door. With the occasional November wind, they would make their way to the sidewalk, wrestling beneath students’ feet as they rushed to class. In the midst of herding children, I received an unexpected phone call from my cousin.

  “Hey cuz,” I answered the call during the hallway transition. “You need a headcount for Thanksgiving? I’m a party of one,” I said jokingly. I hadn’t spoken to Erin since September, but she still had a hold on me.

  On the other end of the line, Gigi sniffled.

  “Terri was in a car accident yesterday. It doesn’t look good.” Her voice was raspy.

  Pointing at the phone, I motioned for Syd, my co-teacher, to take over the class, while I stepped further outside the door.

  “I’m sorry,” was all I could muster.

  “I’ve been at the hospital since last night. I don’t know what to do...” There was a heaviness in the silence between her tears.

  “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

  Tightness in my chest strangled any words of comfort. I gripped the railing along the walkway, which looked over the courtyard. How could this be happening? I just saw her over the summer.

  Gigi and Terri had been together for over a decade and now something as simple as a car accident had shattered what they’d built. I could hardly imagine the agony Gigi was experiencing. Life was proving to be too short to wait on anything or anyone.

  *

  Autumn in Baton Rouge yielded temperatures in the mid-sixties. DC was different. After checking the forecast for the weeks ahead, it was clear I needed winter clothes before I traveled.

  While walking through aisles at Old Navy after work, my stomach grumbled as I struggled to catch my breath. I had been working really hard to avoid thinking about Erin. Each time she crossed my mind, I punished myself by doing push-ups, spelling out the letters of her name over and over until I could no longer support my weight. The more I subjected myself to dropping and performing such an archaic task, the easier it got. The less I thought about her.

  The impending trip brought up a wave of emotions. I needed to see Erin while I was in town. I wanted her to want to see me.

  Hey. I’m only telling you this because you met her this summer. Terri was in a car accident and is on life support. I’ll be up there on Friday.

  I wanted her to care.

  Walking across the parking lot, I looked for a place to do my pushups without bringing about too much attention. I should wait until I get home, I thought. Climbing into the car, a gentle vibration coursed over my hip. I slammed the door and sighed deeply before looking at the screen.

  Only a phantom vibration. I shook my head in disgust. Just that fast, I was starting to lose control because Erin might talk to me. She was the unshakeable monkey on my back. Shake back, Peyton. We are not doing this shit again.

  Once home, I laid clothes out on the bed, counting underwear and lining up shoes. I’d be there a week. Buzz buzz. The phone hit the floor face up and continued to vibrate on the floor.

  My heart pounded inside my head. Leaving the phone where it was, I saw the message was from Erin.

  My condolences to her family.

  I was confused. Was she not my family, too? What about condolences to me?

  Instinctively, I started to respond.

  How are…

  Refraining from sending the message, I dropped. E-R-I-N.

  This wasn’t about her or what she had done to me. I needed to put my big girl panties on. I was going to be within minutes of her for the first time since she had ripped my heart from my chest with her bare hands. I had to hold it together for my family and for me. I would deal with my emotions later.

  *

  When I arrived in DC, there was no shortage of things that needed to be done, yet there was nothing to do but wait. So we waited. And slept. And waited some more.

  As family members started to arrive in town, I took on the responsibility of arranging their transportation. With no car and against my better judgment, I reached out to Erin for help.

  Would you be willing to take me to pick up Gigi’s mom from the airport tomorrow?

  I took the elevator down, watching the numbers drop until I reached the first floor. I needed to grab some fresh air. I had never been in a hospital long enough to appreciate the things I wouldn’t have noticed otherwise. As I strolled through the lobby, there was an atrium filled with plants and benches. At night, mood music and dim lighting created a feeling of serenity in the middle of the chaos. I took a deep breath and tried to relax.

  Why can’t she just take a cab?

  Erin’s response was no surprise, but at least she had responded.

  She’s coming into Baltimore. Too expensive.

  I had already thought of that. Why couldn’t she just say yes? I retreated to a chair and tilted my head back. Gazing at the sheets of rain blanketing the glass above, tears welled in my eyes. She was making a hard task even more impossible.

  Why can’t you just go get her in Gigi’s car?

  She hadn’t responded so quickly since the early days when we’d first started talking. After months of nothing, her broken fingers finally seemed to work.

  “Agh!” I screamed before noticing a man sipping coffee near the door. My outburst was disrupting the tranquility of the space. I gestured an apology and wiped my eyes before firing off another message.

  Can you take me or not?

  My foot tapped against the pavement. The ambiance that had once been created was now gone.

  Is there no one else?

  If there was someone else, why would I be asking you?

  No.

  I can go and pick her up.

  Why would I expect my aunt to get in a car with a complete stranger? What sense did that make? I was becoming incensed.

  Look, I won’t talk to you or look at you. Can you take me please?

  After another hour of silence, she finally agreed. With all of the details sorted out, I now needed to control the dueling excitement and fear of our next encounter. Not wanting to read too much into it, I decided the best course of action was to just be appreciative. This was not reconciliation.

  *

  It was around 5:30 p.m. when Erin arrived at the hospital. We rode in silence with the exception of the pitter patter of raindrops on the rooftop. Darkness was rolling in over the city.

  Although grateful for the favor, I was still reeling from the frustration of our text exchange. While the agreement was in place not to talk to her, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. Her presence was a rush of dopamine, instantly transporting me back to the moment I fell in love at The University. Why did I feel this way? Better yet, why didn’t she?

  Her eyes did not deviate from the road. Staring, her face appeared thinner than I remembered. Her cheekbones still set up high cradling her eyes. There was a red glow across her face from the taillights from to the traffic ahead. I removed my earphones. She was listening to Luther Vandross.

  “What is wrong with you?” I asked softly.

  “Excuse you? What do you mean what’s wrong with me?” she retorted.

  “What is wrong with you?” I spoke just above the music. “Are you sick or something?” I twiddled the cord from my headphones between my fingers.

  She finally looked over at me. “I’m fine. What’s wrong with you?”

  I shook my head and mumbled, “Something is definitely wrong with you,” before turning my back toward her and pressing play on my iPod. I sang to drown out the car radio as silence flowed between us for the remainder of the drive.

  While waiting in the cellphone lot at the airport for the flight to arrive, I was still seething from the text exchange. I got out of the car just as the rain tapered off to a drizzle.

  I untied my hoodie and took in the cool air. I choked back the tears bellowing to be free. As I took in a deep breath, the flood gates opened. I paced back and forth behind cars like a fiend waiting on my next hit, hoping Erin didn’t notice me crying.

  I let Maxwell’s music continue to carry me through the fight with myself in the rain.

  I wiped my face and pulled my hoodie back on when I noticed the flight had landed. Once in the car, I reached for Erin’s hand which rested on her lap. She pulled away.

  “Fine.” I calmly shook my head.

  The conversation back to the hospital was stiff. Beyond the introductions and appreciations offered up by my aunt, the trickling of the rain against the car was the only sound. It was apparent neither Erin nor I had anything left to say.

  Once under the awning of the hospital entrance, Erin kept her eyes forward and her hands on the wheel. Exiting the car, I uttered “Thank you, again,” before stepping out completely.

  “I’ll call you,” she said before I closed the door and walked slowly inside, holding my breath.

  ten.

  Sitting on the plane back to Baton Rouge, I smiled like a Cheshire cat. I was returning home from taking a group of students to visit Washington, DC for the first time.

  The four-day trip was the first time I felt Erin genuinely cared about me. It’s a foolish feeling to care so deeply for another human and know your feelings are not returned, but I was in love. Or so I thought. The infatuation I watched on TV, the longing I had witnessed between friends in movies, those were the ideas that fueled my desire to have happiness with Erin even more. I walked on clouds when I thought of us together.

  Looking out the cabin window as the plane climbed over the city, I was envious of the people who got to witness the beauty of the monuments on a regular basis. From above the city, the national mall appeared ethereal. DC was my city of love.

  After Terri’s funeral, Erin and I texted regularly over the next few months, spending hours messaging back and forth before going silent for days then continuing the cycle again. She wasn’t like other people I’d loved before. Her heart seemed intangible. And still, my feelings remained the same.

  Our conversations were the building blocks of a friendship. One I still hoped to evolve into more. Though I was cautious not to become too invested, I wasn’t going to miss an opportunity to see her while I was in town.

  I’ll be there next week for a few days. Got time for me?

  We were staying outside of DC proper, so I figured her visit would be a long shot.

  DC in the late spring is always filled with tourists. I was under the weather from an upper respiratory infection, so I opted to stay on the bus whenever possible, choosing sleep over anything else. The other chaperones nor the kids seemed to mind my snoring much. They were just grateful for an extra body.

  My condition and our packed itinerary left me little time to see Erin. Each time we tried, the schedule got in the way. We were up and on the bus by seven and didn’t return until after dinner. On the last night of the trip, we returned around three, allowing ample time to rest before the long flight home the next day.

  Of the eight chaperones, I was the last one to have hall duty while at the hotel. Although the entire floor was ours, someone had to monitor the traffic. My post consisted of noise control and managing lights out at eleven thirty.