“Hey, I’m looking for the person who pulled some reports per Principal Alex.”

  Ms. Stevens, the office clerk directed me to another office where I was met with a skinny White chick in a polo. From the onset, I knew she was my people.

  “I’m Rachel and you must be Ms. Alexander. I was coming to see you later today,” she said, standing up to shake my hand and pass me the stack of reports.

  Not long after, Rachel would stop by my office periodically, sharing the latest gossip she’d overhear. As the data manager, she was a lifeline to my success.

  We spent a lot of time together in and out of the building which led to a fast friendship. I often crashed at her place to avoid driving home and back again the next morning. Although Rachel and Parker had never met, Parker never seemed to care about me staying away overnight. If it wasn’t Erin, there was no obvious threat.

  *

  During lunch, Rachel and I escaped the building for mid-day workouts at City Park. The holidays in New Orleans, despite the occasionally chilly weather, transformed the city into a mystical place. Traditional red and green Christmas decorations included some variation of jazz, crawfish or fleur-de-lis and were plastered everywhere. Around the lake where we walked and talked, enlarged pictures of frogs and pelicans wore black and gold Santa hats. Older people, assumedly retirees, were scattered throughout the path.

  I always worried we would get caught “skipping” work, but Rachel assured me it was no different than running to a store to pick up food for lunch.

  She had been seeing someone at one of our sister schools so her pace that day was faster than our usual stroll. I listened as she beamed about her love interest and the hopes for making their relationship official. I carried my cynicism of relationships always. The thought of Erin had once filled me with sunshine. Now, I cheered on my friends hoping they would never have to settle or end up alone.

  “You have plans for tonight or you just avoiding going home?” she prodded as we rounded the final lap. We’d been texting earlier in the day about Parker.

  “Both.” I smiled. We had been walking for almost an hour. It was nice to work with another lesbian. There was always something to discuss. Lately, our conversations revolved around my need for something different.

  “We’re going out to Frenchman tonight if you wanna hang.” She smiled.

  “I’m game.” I said, thinking about an outfit I’d stuffed in my duffle.

  We finished walking our lap then headed back down the street toward the school. Once settled in my office, I shot Parker a text.

  I’m staying at Rachel’s tonight and maybe through the weekend. I’ll call you later.

  Staying in New Orleans was not out of the norm, but I usually gave Parker more notice. She replied instantly.

  Okay... Everything okay?

  Moments like this were best served over the phone.

  “Hey. Calling was easier than going back and forth. Plus, I knew a call would ease your worry.” I could hear her sigh, a sign of relief there wouldn’t be any tension between us later.

  “I’m good. Are you alright?” I flipped the line of questioning back on her. I wasn’t in the position to have an extended conversation at that moment.

  “Yep. Thank you for calling. Be careful while you’re out. Take a taxi if you need to.”

  “Will do.”

  I hung up and immediately text back “Love you,” to avoid that being a thing later.

  *

  As expected, there was an hour wait at Jacques Imo’s: not too bad for a Friday night. We hung out in the foyer, which doubled as a bar. Pictures lined the walls and the ceilings in the dimly lit area of the restaurant, which was quintessential New Orleans. Faint jazz music served as the soundtrack of our conversations in the tight space.

  Once our table was called and we walked to the rear, I saw her. A woman seated near the top of the steps looked just like Erin. Could it be her? What would she be doing here this time of year? When we sat down, I pretended to be looking at the art as I twisted around in my seat. As I turned in my chair, she caught my eye. It was definitely Erin. Damn!

  God surely had an interesting way of showing up when it came to her and I and this time was certainly no exception.

  From where we were sitting, I had a bird’s eye view of the bathroom corridor. Erin sashayed toward the hall. I could recognize her walk anywhere. It reminded me of the Family Matters episode when Steve Urkel could hear Laura’s walk in the sound of a drum. It was that serious.

  “Hey, order me a drink. I’mma wash my hands,” I told Rachel, as she was neck deep in her friends’ ear. “If I’m not back before the waitress comes back for our order, get me the Alligator Cheesecake and Fried Chicken.” She gave me a head nod to confirm, and I quickly exited the table toward the restroom.

  I paused and took a deep breath before I entered. I anticipated her standing there waiting on me to enter. When I finally pushed the door open, I could see her reflection in the mirror as she was washing her hands. She looked up and smiled, then looked back down.

  “Are you following me?” she asked, only half joking. She leaned over to get a paper towel.

  “I saw you come into the restroom and figured washing my hands before I ate dinner seemed like a good idea.” I walked toward the sink. “Were you waiting on me to walk in?”

  “I knew once you noticed me you’d make your way over to me at some point. Why not set you up for success?” She brushed up against me as I finished up.

  “I’ve missed you. You haven’t responded to my calls or texts.” There was an awkward silent pause as I stared in her eyes. “I thought something had happened to you!” More silence ensued as we stood there staring at each other. I wanted to grab her into my arms, but I refrained.

  “I see you’re still with the White girl,” she said, ignoring my statement. I took it she was referring to Rachel.

  “She’s around, but not here. Those are my colleagues from work.”

  “Hmm.”

  “And you? Who is your mystery guest?” She had been sitting with a woman I didn’t recognize.

  I looked at her reflection as I finished up at the sink. She shook her head, dismissing my question, which was no surprise. Erin was the master of keeping information and people on a need-to-know basis. If you didn’t need to know, she wouldn’t reveal anything.

  She was more stunning than our last encounter. Although I tried not to sweep her body with my glance, I could see the glow-up had been good to her. She’d also put on some weight which meant she was over whatever she was going through.

  “How long are you in town?” I inquired. Despite the unknown relationship between her and her companion, I wanted to see her again.

  “Long enough to do what I came to do and see who I need to see.”

  She was a riddle. After all of these years, I learned not to take the responses personally. It was another one of those things that garnered intrigue on my end.

  “Considering your fingers appear intact,” I reached toward her hand, stopping short to just grab her fingers, “my number is still the same. I’ll be around through the weekend if you have time for me.”

  I held the door open as she walked passed me. I stood in the doorway, watching her walk back to her table as Candice, an English teacher who had joined us for dinner approached the restroom.

  “Someone caught your attention?” she asked tilting her head toward me with a smile.

  “Nope.” I smiled back. “Someone stole my heart.”

  *

  When I awoke the next morning, I had a series of text notifications on my screen: Parker, my mom, and Erin. I opened the one from Erin first.

  It was good seeing you last night. This isn’t good timing for me right now, but I hope to see you again soon.

  I shook my head, displeased but unsurprised. At least she hadn’t forgotten about me.

  thirteen.

  “This isn’t working,” I heard Parker say as I walked through the garage door.

  Looking down the hallway, I could see her face was beet red and there were streaks of paleness where makeup once had been. She was sitting at the table—waiting.

  Consulting full-time fueled my love of traveling, but it left little time for anything else, including my relationship. I dropped my bag and walked over to where she was sitting. The conversation was inevitable. I just hadn’t had time to have it.

  “I know,” I said. I rubbed my hands together before moving closer. Her gray eyes were bloodshot.

  “This isn’t where you want to be, so why are you still here?” Her voice cracked. Instead of anger, she was shrouded in grief. I just sat and waited there until her tears subsided.

  “Why did you marry me,” she corrected herself, “commit yourself to me if you still loved her?”

  I remained silent. Waiting for the conversation to end. All I could think was “thank you.” She was doing what I hadn’t been able to bring myself to do. As much as it pained her in the moment, I couldn’t help believing she too was thankful for this day.

  “Just go. Go. Go!”

  More than a year had passed since I had last seen or heard from Erin. And in spite of the time that passed, she still had a hold on me. I never came out and said it, but no matter what was said or done, Parker could never stop me from loving Erin.

  Ending the relationship was less painful than I imagined it would be. Not being legally married left us with no legal hang-ups.

  I simply packed my bags and left.

  *

  Every year at Christmas, I wondered what Erin was up to. Did she think about me the same I thought about her? Had she moved on and was now living the life she always said she’d wanted?

  Early on, we always talked about how we wanted to spend that time with our family. Christmas Eve would be spent in pajamas watching movies until the kids went off to bed. Then, we’d wrap and put out any remaining toys for Santa before cuddling in front of the fireplace with hot chocolate listening to Motown Christmas. It was traditional, but that was the dream we both shared. That was the goal for me.

  This year was different though. Shortly after leaving Louisiana, I met Kelley through a job out in Texas. We starting dating shortly thereafter. When I moved to Alabama, she decided to move in with me. Although it was rebound season, entertaining multiple women wasn’t in my nature. Kelley made me forget about Erin, which was what I needed.

  *

  It was our first Christmas together in our own place. As we decorated holiday treats and watched one of my favorite movies, This Christmas, I was living out a version of the life I always wanted.

  Reaching across Kelley on the couch, I grabbed my phone. Mindlessly, I scrolled through social media and cleared out my emails while watching the movie. Although it was Christmas week, the work hadn’t stopped. I deleted all my work messages and scheduled meetings before transitioning over to my personal accounts.

  Marketing emails flooded my inbox. I scrolled and deleted and I saw her name. Had I accidentally copied myself on something and hit reply all? I looked up briefly. Kelley was buried in her cell phone as well, not noticing my glance. I clicked on the message.

  It wasn’t a missent message. It was a new email. The subject line read ”Forgiveness.”

  I sat up and moved into the nook of the couch where the arm and the back come together at the opposite end from Kelley.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked as I adjusted.

  I shook my head. “Just needed to readjust. You good?”

  She nodded, smiled, and looked back down at her phone.

  I could feel my heart rate increase. This was a joke. It had to be a joke. Erin would never initiate an email to me. She definitely would not say anything about forgiveness, particularly in writing where it may be kept forever. I took a long, deep breath.

  Kelley turned to look at me. ”Are you sure you’re okay?”

  Without looking up from my phone, I dismissed her inquiry. “Yea. Just clearing out some emails. It’s nothing.” I lied. It was just an email, but it was more than nothing.

  I tapped the email, exposing the full message. I averted my attention back to the TV long enough to feel present in the moment. Anxiety swelled in my hands. Pull yourself together. It’s just an email. Read it.

  There wasn’t a salutation.

  I have been doing some reflecting as this year comes to an end. I want to apologize for the way I have treated you in the past. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. You don’t have to respond.

  EAJ

  I couldn’t feel myself taking breaths but since I was alive, I knew I was still breathing. My heart stopped, or so I thought, as I couldn’t feel that either. Be still. Act natural.

  The woman I had contemplated proposing to in a matter of weeks was sitting right next to me on our couch. The room suddenly felt small. And hot. This was definitely not the Christmas miracle I needed.

  I laid the phone back down on the arm rest. My heart resumed beating in my temples. Taking another deep breath, I stood up and walked to the French doors. It was the middle of December, but I needed some air.

  I stepped out onto the balcony of our fifth floor apartment, pulling the door behind me. White lights wrapped in garland twinkled on the banister. The crisp breeze tunneled through the railing, causing the candy cane wreath on the windows to sway. The cold was calming so I retreated to a chair.

  I sat, legs folded, and stuck both hands inside my sweatshirt pocket, shielding them from the weather. I stared into the stillness of the night, waiting to return to my senses.

  *

  I had been outside for some time when Kelley peaked her head out of the door.

  “I’ll be back in in a few.” I nodded and squeezed my hands together more tightly.

  “Are you okay? It’s freezing out here.” She rubbed her hands over her arms.

  “I’m good.”

  She closed the door. From my viewpoint between the blinds, I could see her return to her spot under the chenille throw on the couch.

  I’d convinced myself in the thirty seconds it took me to read the email it was a setup. This message was a sick attempt to catch me, lure me back in like a lost puppy, then drop me off at the shelter when I was no longer desired. Despite my best effort, we had not spoken since the restaurant in New Orleans when, instead of ignoring me like before, she dismissed me.

  Now, here she was in my inbox, asking for forgiveness.

  The longer I thought, the more stories I told myself. Is she sick? Someone must have died or become terminally ill which caused her to re-evaluate her life choices and the people she had hurt in the process. Is she having a change of heart?

  I closed the email and traipsed back into the house. This Christmas was still on. I snuggled under Kelley to generate some warmth and attempted to ignore the myriad of questions and scenarios that played out in my mind.

  I bellowed genuine laughter at the sight of Lisa, played by Regina King, dousing the bathroom floor with an entire bottle of baby oil while waiting for her husband to emerge from the shower.

  “Who comes up with this stuff?” I asked.

  I remained glued to the TV, avoiding eye contact with Kelley for fear she could see my mind still turning over the email.

  Here we go again.

  *

  In the early morning hour, I laid in bed awake, surveying the dust gathered on the immobile ceiling fan. The email was real, whether the sentiment was a joke or not, and it paralyzed me. In a few short sentences, she had unlocked a version of myself I had worked so hard to put away, to write off to never feel the pain I had once felt when we were in each other’s lives.

  On one hand, hearing from her on her own terms was thrilling. As I settled into reality, I contemplated the timing of the message and was enraged. This shit was not supposed to be happening. God has a funny way of revealing a person’s true self and I was not amused. Maybe this was a sign. Of what, I was not exactly sure. I figured the only way to know if the person who I thought would never utter words strung together like that was to reply to the email and wait.

  I removed my phone from the charter gingerly as not to wake Kelley, who was sleeping soundly next to me. I adjusted the screen brightness and opened the email.

  First of all, thank you. I didn’t know I needed to hear those words until now. Are you okay? I would love to… It would be good to hear your voice and have a conversation.

  Until the earth stops spinning,

  Peyton

  I hit send and dropped the phone on my chest.

  A wave of calm surrounded me before my mind escaped again.

  What if she responds? Maybe she still wants me or wants to explore the possibility of us. I mean, why would she send an email like that? Could she be dying?

  I was numb. Erin had actually apologized for breaking me and my heart. I knew I still loved her. Despite all we had gone through and put one another through over the years, she was still my person. At least, that is what I believed in that moment. There was only one way to test my theory and protect my heart. I gave myself an ultimatum.

  If Erin responded, I would forego proposing to Kelley, which was scheduled for New Year’s Eve. I was no longer interested in playing the games of the past with Erin. She was on the clock.

  fourteen.

  The nerves tingled though my body with the same energy as I imagined a lightning strike would deliver. When the clock struck midnight, I would drop down on one knee, in front of all of these nameless faces, and propose.

  “Do you want a drink?” I cupped one hand, motioning to Kelley. The music filled every ounce of the venue at volume just high enough where yelling was too loud, but conversation tone wasn’t loud enough.

  “No,” she mouthed as I made my way through the crowd to the bar.