“Are you descent?” Erin asked from her room. Before I could respond, she appeared in the doorway, peeping her head around the corner.

  “I am now.” I tied my pants as she made her way over to the bed. She sat against the railing watching me.

  “You were so far away over there. You can lay in my bed.”

  I hesitated to respond while traversing the maze of questions now floating in my mind. The last time I slept in her bed she ghosted me. Was that a risk I was willing to take?

  I’d slept with women before in a non-sexual manner, but none I’d be romantically attracted to.

  I climbed in the bed and remained on top of the quilted duvet. Erin sat up, leaning against a pillow. She wore a long-sleeved shirt and long pants in the middle of June: a signal there would be nothing more than sleep occurring that night. I reached out to draw her closer to me, hoping she wouldn’t pull away. Without resisting, she scooted toward me, drawing her legs around mine. I nestled against her as she began to doze. Absorbing her essence and feeling more relaxed with her than I had ever been, I drifted off into a deep slumber.

  *

  “How long are you staying?” Gigi asked shortly after I arrived. I wasn’t sure if she meant my stay at her house or in the area.

  “The conference is tomorrow and my flight leaves Tuesday morning.” I poured us both a drink. Gigi had prepared breakfast, bacon, pancakes, and eggs, before I arrived.

  “You staying with her?” Her question landed heavily.

  “Yeah.” I stammered. “We’re going to the session together. It just made since to stay out there versus here.”

  “All right now. You know how you get when it comes to Erin.” I was hopeful this time was different. Gigi had been a listening ear through all things Erin and had warned me before. “Just be careful. It never seems to go well with you two.”

  I heeded her advisement. Erin and I had always been on different pages of the same book.

  *

  When it was time to go home, I felt a wave of emptiness come over me. Amidst the rhythm of being together, all of the emotions I once had were now intensified. It had been five years since I had fallen in love with the idea of her. Now, I had entered into her world, if only for a few days, and it was everything I wanted it to be. Despite my cousin’s disapproval, I was ready to go all in. Now, all I needed to do was know what kind of friends we were going to be.

  Once home, I was torn. It was a feeling that was all too familiar as I had experienced it with Parker. I knew I felt something for Erin, but I didn’t know if it was enough to walk away from Kelley. Even if we were only going to be just friends, the feelings I had for Erin meant I should call off the engagement. That would have been the right thing to do.

  “How was your trip?” Kelley asked as I walked through the door. I was ready to dive into the BBQ I had picked up on my way home from the airport.

  I removed my sunglasses and tossed my bag in the hallway closest to our bedroom. Through a reserved smile, I walked to the couch with my food and sat down next to her.

  “It was cool. The conference was dope. I learned a lot, I’ll be able to apply to the design pilot when I go back to Denver in the fall. I got to spend some quality time with Gigi, which is always a good time.” I rambled on between bites of rib tips.

  “Did you see your friend?” Her tone was flat which made the question hard to read. Did she really care or did she actually want to know?

  “Yeah. I saw her.” I said, careful not to make eye contact and reveal my truth. “We went to the conference together and hung out for a while. Nothing major.”

  “So? Are y’all friends now or what?” She turned to look at me squarely. I continued to eat.

  “Yeah. You could say that. I mean, it’s been a few years, but I think we resolved our issues.” I paused and turned to look at her. “We’re just friends. You good with that?”

  “Sure.” Kelley was emotionless, which confused me even more.

  Erin and I had never defined what was to come of my visit. We never discussed our relationship, but I was willing to do whatever it took to keep her in my life. That included lying to myself and Kelley about what was in my heart.

  sixteen.

  For the next few months after returning home, Kelley and I were strangers in our shared living space. The idea we were supposed to get married started to feel more like an emotional burden.

  “How’s the planning coming?” I asked her one evening while she sat cross-legged on the couch. David Tutera’s wedding show was running a marathon and she was taking notes.

  She shrugged. “It’s coming, I guess.” There wasn’t any joy in her response. Maybe she was having second thoughts, too.

  “Let me know what you need,” I said, absolving myself from the tedium of the task. I sat at my desk in my makeshift office and opened my computer. Work was starting to pile up and I didn’t want to get behind.

  “When are you going out of town again?” Her question caught me off guard. I was usually the one posing that question.

  I opened my calendar. “The dates aren’t all set, but I’ll send them when I get the itinerary.”

  Between her travel schedule for work and the recent demands of my job, the life we had prior to the proposal seemed like a farce. When we were finally in the same space, I did my best to keep up the charade, but my feelings for Erin never wavered. I loved them both, and unfortunately, that was the bigger problem.

  The longer I sat, the more I thought about what I wanted to be true for myself. One person had already endured the wrath of my love for Erin. I didn’t want Kelley to be another casualty of my heart.

  *

  I struggled to open my eyes. The sun was beaming brightly through the window, creating a faint yellow hue on the eggshell walls. Despite not having any alcohol, I was disoriented and hungover. I gathered my bearings and looked over to find Erin sleeping soundly. Last night started to slowly come back to me as I noticed the black dress she’d worn laying in the middle of the hallway.

  We had spent most of the day in and around DC. The morning started with breakfast at Founding Farmers before strolling through Eastern Market, exploring the architecture of the row homes in Capitol Hill. I had always dreamed of living in DC and as Erin paraded us through neighborhoods like a realtor trying to make a sale, I saw myself here sooner rather than later. Despite it being damp from an early morning rain, it was nice weather for a November in the mid-Atlantic. At some point during the stroll, our hands locked, I squeezed hers in mine and as she came in closer, I kissed the top of her head.

  “I want our lives to be like this forever,” she said, “Can you make that happen?”

  I wanted nothing more than to make all of her dreams come true, especially if they included me. “I don’t see that being a problem.” I uttered unconvincingly, hoping she wouldn’t notice.

  She continued. “You’ll move up here, live in one of these English basements, become a principal, and voila!”

  “You have it all figured out, huh?” I looked down at her with a smile.

  “Stick with me, kid; I’ll take you places.”

  Later in the evening, we had dinner at a delicious Thai restaurant in a neighborhood I’d never been to before. The muted lighting and small tables gave off date-night vibes, but everyone dining was dressed pretty casually, including us. This weekend, Erin had shown up differently. Despite all of the ups and downs in our past, she came to the game ready to play.

  “When are you thinking about moving up here for good? I don’t do well with the back and forth,” she asked, which meant she already had a plan.

  “DC is expensive. I would love to move up here soon, but I have a job, and my lease isn’t up until February.” There was that, and there was also Kelley and what we had done. The evening was going well. I wasn’t going to spoil the moment.

  *

  “So now what?” I had asked Erin shortly after I returned home from my last trip months before this one.

  “I don’t know.” Her response was not one I had expected. She always had an answer. Not knowing was never an option for her.

  “Well, I want you to be in my life,” I said. I wanted to believe the time we shared while I was there for the parade would be our norm, even as friends, but I felt stuck.

  “So you need a plan.” She tapped the table, snapping me back to the present. She switched into life coach mode, setting a timeline for moving and all the details with relocating across the country. It was nice seeing her like this, but I wasn’t yet ready for what she was proposing.

  “Are you like this at work?” I asked, interrupting her process temporarily.

  “I like to look at the big picture and figure out how to make it happen. It’s like a puzzle, and you know I love a good puzzle.”

  I did know how much she liked to complete puzzles and strategize. Watching her play Scrabble and compete with the contestants on game shows put her current fixation into perspective. She was sitting at dinner over a smorgasbord of Thai food in full on Iyanla Vanzant mode. I wanted to rip her clothes off at the table.

  *

  Once back at the house, we both knew what was bound to happen. Our energy for one another had been palpable throughout the day and staying busy kept us from disrobing sooner than we had.

  I carefully shuffled out of bed as not to wake her and tiptoed to the bathroom. There was no need in trying to cover up. Last night had been amazing, but now I was having regrets.

  Standing naked in front of the floor length mirror, waiting for the shower to warm up, I smiled. I had never been in love like this before. Yet I had also never been more disgusted with myself.

  I was in love with two people. Kelley had agreed to be my wife. Although she knew how I felt about Erin, she couldn’t bring herself to just walk away. Neither could I.

  Erin remained mostly in the dark about the full extent of Kelly and my relationship. I convinced myself it was possible and completely normal to love two people at the same time. I had just recently discovered polyamory, so I figured I wasn’t the only one who could love more than one person at a time. But I knew neither of the people I loved would go for that, so I had to choose.

  Kelley’s only crime was loving me and trusting me to be honorable in my commitment to her. The right thing to do was to let her go, but I could not bring myself to punish her for giving me love. We had been together a little over two years. I moved to Birmingham from Louisiana, where I had lived since after college, to be closer to her and my family. Kelley brought me a joy I had only ever experienced with Erin. It was the same level of excitement without the constant worry of her walking away.

  *

  The hot water felt so good against my skin. My spa experience was interrupted when I heard footsteps on the stairs. Stepping out of the shower, I heard Erin climb back onto the bed. I was leaving later that afternoon for a work obligation before heading back to Alabama.

  “I’m sure you worked up quite an appetite last night. I can’t send you out into the world hungry. If I don’t feed you, someone else will be trying to.” She bit her lip and tilted her head to the side as she handed me food covered in red and white checkered paper. I was still wrapped in a towel.

  “Nobody wants me but you. And I don’t want anybody but you, so they’d be wasting their time,” I said with a smile, climbing across disheveled sheets. I leaned over for a kiss, but my lips were met with an open-faced hand.

  “Don’t start what you can’t finish.” She clutched her robe close to her chest.

  I sat back, unwrapping my sandwich. I was starving and the brisket on this bagel smelled delicious.

  “You don’t want to get dressed first? Your food isn’t going anywhere.”

  “Nah,” I said, shaking my head before taking a bite, trying not to let the au jus from the sandwich drip. “I need my energy. Plus, I may want dessert before getting dressed.”

  There was an iced coffee with milk on the dresser. “No sweetener, right?”

  She blushed and took a sip from her cup. “I’m all the sugar you need.”

  I chuckled and stealthily moved in for a kiss. Sticking the landing, I stood up to fix my coffee, forgetting my towel.

  “Just leave it. Who knows when I will see this view again.” Her statement was playful but bitterly true.

  She was tired of me going back and forth, and I wasn’t ready to leave either. This weekend had been perfect. It was what I had always wanted. Why couldn’t I have been patient and waited for us to come together?

  “Soon.” I turned to face her. “Real soon.”

  I had to come clean with Erin, but now wasn’t the time. I would need to call things off with Kelley first. It was the right thing to do. I just didn’t know how.

  seventeen.

  A month later, when I entered her hotel room at eight-fifteen, I was shocked to see Erin was already dressed and ready for sleep. After letting me in, she climbed back in the bed. I plopped down in an armchair near the door. I didn’t want to get too close to her after what happened before I left DC. I knew if I were in arms reach, there would be no sleep, and I had to make it back to my parent’s house by the time Kelley arrived.

  She smiled as she sat up, looking over at me.

  “What?” I said shyly, trying to determine what was running through her mind.

  “You came in here all fresh, hair flowing, looking good. I’m just admiring what I see.” Her smiling continued as she looked me over.

  I crossed my legs and posed. “If you take a picture, it’ll last longer.” We both burst into laughter.

  Erin made a stopover in Atlanta on her way to New Orleans for the holidays. It was the midway point between there and DC. I had asked her to stop in Birmingham, close to where I lived, but she said it was out of the way. Driving two hours to see her was easy for me. I was also still ready to move mountains just to see a smile on her face. Plus, it gave me a chance to see my parents.

  Jeopardy was on and as quickly as I sat in the chair, I became lost in the show trying to take my mind off the fact I was keeping a secret.

  “Why are you sitting all the way over there?” Erin asked, pulling some of the covers back and patting the bed in front of where she was sitting. Her legs were folded. “I thought you came to see me, not watch TV.”

  I got up and moved to the bed. I didn’t allow myself to get comfortable for fear I wouldn’t leave.

  “That’s better. Now I can see you.” I nodded and stared in her brown eyes for a moment. I wondered if she could see the lie I knew was radiating from my body. It was like the words oozed out over my skin and there was a flashing sign above my head that read “liar” with arrows pointing down at me. I willed her to ask me if I was still involved with Kelley so I would be forced to come clean. But she never did.

  “I’m sorry if I smell like smoke. I keep asking my parents to smoke outside, but it’s their house.” I dusted my clothes, somehow attempting to remove the odor. “I hope it doesn’t bother you.”

  “No. I just want you close to me.” She reached out her arms, pulling me into her chest. My shoulders relaxed as the tension melted away. The combination of aromas from her lotion, perfume, and essence entranced me. I rested my body against her and sighed. Her embrace felt like love. I wanted to bottle it up for safekeeping.

  After sitting like that for what seemed like hours, I looked over at the clock on the nightstand. It was nearing ten o’clock and though my phone hadn’t rung, I knew Kelley had arrived at my parents’ house by now. With an iron will, I pulled myself away.

  “I need to call home. I told my mom I wouldn’t be gone long, and I want to give her an update so she doesn’t lock me out.” I wasn’t overly concerned about the latter. My parents kept the door unlocked whenever I was in town just in case I needed somewhere to stay. I moved toward the window to make the call.

  “Hey!” I said when she answered. “I’ll be home later than I thought and I don’t have my key.” I talked over her, turning down my phone volume. She spoke louder.

  “Kelley’s here,” my mom informed me. I ignored her comment and hoped Erin wasn’t paying attention.

  “I’ll be leaving here in about an hour, so I’ll get home before midnight.” After bidding me safe travels, we hung up. I turned from the window and stared at Erin. She had laid back in the bed, staring at the TV. I didn’t want to leave. Even if we weren’t intimate, I wanted to stay in the solace of her arms for the night and see her off in the morning.

  I walked back over and climbed on to the bed, suspending my feet off the edge. “I love you, Erin,” I said, engulfing her in my arms and squeezing her gently.

  “Why?” she asked.

  “Because you respond with ‘why’ when I tell you.” I climbed onto my knees and kissed her head. We cuddled together in the bed until we both fell asleep.

  *

  When I woke up and saw the time—three—I panicked. I reached for my phone. I had six missed calls, four from my mom and two from Kelley. Damn.

  “Baby, I gotta go,” I whispered to Erin as I moved her to the pillow from my chest. I hated having to rush off in the middle of the night. “Call me when you get up to leave.” I continued as she turned over away from me. I knew I would have to deal with this later, but now wasn’t the time. I checked my pocket for my keys and walked out of the door, making sure it locked behind me.

  Everyone was asleep when I arrived at my parents’ house thirty minutes later. I was careful not to wake Kelley, as she was sleeping in the back room. I tiptoed into the bathroom and closed the door. I gazed in the mirror. I looked exhausted and I was.

  I was tired of lying to myself and everyone around me. I should have just stayed with Erin and dealt with the consequences from Kelley. If I was going to catch heat, the least I could have done was awakened to the love of my life.