“Just tired from the drive.” She took a sip of her coffee.

  “Cool. I’m going to ride to the city with my cousin so we can catch up.” I started gathering my things so I could hop in the shower. “My keys are by the front door if you want to go exploring.”

  “I’ll stay here and help. I know you want some quality time with her.”

  I kissed her on the cheek and grabbed my phone.

  After Terri gave us the run-down of all we were supposed to accomplish while out and when to be back, I hopped in the truck with Gigi.

  “My friend Erin may meet us at the wharf.” I mentioned to Gigi as we were driving. She looked at me quizzically.

  “I’m not going to even ask,” she said, shaking her head.

  I launched into full explanation mode. “It’s not like that. It’s just a friend from college...” I continued rambling until I was interrupted by a text message. I instantly assumed I’d butt dialed Parker and she had heard my entire conversation.

  What time will you be there?

  I had called Erin when I went to shower to tell her we were headed to the city. Her message gave me hope she was going to make it happen.

  “Why did you bring her if you didn’t want her to come?” Gigi asked, breaking up my happy thoughts.

  “We had already planned this trip when Erin and I started talking. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and tell her she couldn’t come. Besides, Erin is hard to read. I didn’t know if I would actually see her while I was here,” I said. “Maybe I should’ve come alone. I’m already thinking of how I’m going to see her again before I leave in two days.”

  Shortly after we pulled into the marina, I located Erin in a parking spot by the market. She still drove the same car from college. I walked through the lot. The heat radiated up from the dark pavement. The humidity from the Potomac River added to the fishy stench that permeated the air.

  Nonetheless, I couldn’t help but smile with anticipation as she rolled down the window when I approached, revealing the image of her I had kept in my mind for the past few months. I felt like I had just won the lottery after playing for years. Finally, I could lay my eyes on her after months of picture stalking on Facebook.

  We exchanged a brief greeting and there was a pregnant pause. We had spent all this time talking and texting through the distance. Now we were face-to-face, neither of us knew what to say or how to say it.

  “Can you take off your sunglasses, please?” I petitioned, hoping she wouldn’t argue. I leaned over, peering through her open car window. My own reflection stared back at me in her aviator sunglasses.

  “Why?” Her chin tilted up to look at me and she loosened her grip on the steering wheel.

  While that wasn’t the response I had hoped for, it wasn’t difficult to answer.

  “I want to see your eyes.”

  All of our interactions had been over the phone. I wanted to look into her eyes for as long as I could. Although she thought her smile was her best physical attribute, I was inclined to believe it was her eyes, which were currently hidden by a pair of mirrored aviators. She lifted them up and rested them on her head.

  “Is that better for you?”

  “Thank you. Now I can see you.” I smiled more. “Thanks for meeting me.”

  Gigi waded through the people near the marina before walking up to the car. The barrels of crabs would take a few minutes to be steamed before loading them into the truck. She stood beside me while I continued talking to Erin through the window.

  “Y’all don’t have to stand outside, you know.” I could feel the coolness from the air conditioner escaping her window.

  We hopped in the car and I introduced my cousin, who proceeded to invite Erin to the cookout. Although she said she’d think about it, I knew she wasn’t coming. That morning when coordinating this meetup, we had already discussed it and “the White girl,” as she referred to Parker. I was grateful to my cousin for putting it out there in case she changed her mind.

  “So what’s on your agenda for the rest of the day since you turned my cousin and me down?” I asked the question hoping she would reconsider, but it was no good.

  “I’ll probably do some shopping. Maybe catch a movie.”

  “By yourself?” I felt a tinge of jealousy rising. I didn’t want to think of her hanging out with anyone other than me in that moment.

  “Yeah! I’m going to watch a movie. It’s not like you can talk during the show.” She repositioned her hand on the gearshift. “Have you never been to the movies alone?”

  “Nope. Never even considered it.” I said, shaking my head.

  “Well, when you get home, we should go to the movies together—you there and me here—and discuss it.”

  What she was suggesting sounded like a date, but given my relationship, I didn’t push it any further.

  “The crabs are probably finishing up.” Gigi said, exiting the car. “It was nice meeting you, Erin.”

  I grabbed the door handle but hesitated to step out.

  “It’s okay. You can text me,” she said, easing my guilt for leaving so soon.

  On the ride back to the house I could barely contain my joy, though I knew I would have to bottle it up soon. I felt it in my spirit: Erin was my soulmate.

  *

  Later that afternoon while enjoying the cookout, Parker was unusually distant. Neck deep in my phone I didn’t notice her approach me until she grabbed my arm and pulled me to the side of the house. The DJ was playing the Go-Go’s so most people were getting it in on the portable parquet dance floor or stuffing their faces.

  She was speaking as we walked, but I couldn’t make out what she was saying. Between obsessing over how to meet up with Erin and getting another plate of ribs, nothing she said registered until I heard her utter:

  “Do you love her?”

  Struck by her directness, I froze. “Uh, I don’t know.” There was no harm in being truthful. I had feelings, but I couldn’t say it was love.

  “Well, then I don’t need to be here if you don’t know,” she said as she stormed off into the house. I gave her some space to avoid making a scene. Part of me was relieved. Deep down, I knew we were only temporary.

  We spoke very little to each other that evening outside of coordinating plans for the morning. Even if I didn’t lie, maybe I should have spared her feelings.

  “Can we talk?”

  I really didn’t know what I wanted to say her, but I no longer had to hide what I was feeling. The trouble with that is I didn’t actually know how I felt. I liked Parker. She just wasn’t Erin.

  She continued packing up her things when I walked into the room. From the doorway, I could tell she had been crying. “There’s nothing to talk about. Why did you bring me here?”

  “I didn’t mean to develop feelings for Erin; it just happened.” My apology was dismissed as she moved further from me.

  “But you did! And you made a fool out of me in the process.” She sat down on the bed, looking at her phone.

  “I’m sorry, Parker.” I said walking out of the room. “I really am.”

  *

  I dropped her off at Reagan National at 7:30 the next morning. To spare her further embarrassment, I didn’t push her to say anything to my family before we left the house. The ride was silent, but I was content not talking. As unfortunate as the circumstances were, I was eager to put all this behind me until I got back to Baton Rouge.

  Our relationship was definitely over. Although I felt bad for Parker, I knew this was my chance to lean into how I felt about Erin.

  After we said our goodbyes, I stumbled upon a parking lot just off the airport exit and pulled in. I was relieved but also sad. She hadn’t deserved to discover my feelings for someone else while out of town with me and definitely not in such close proximity to that person. I hung around Gravelly Point watching planes take off and land until I was sure she was gone.

  If this was the only chance I would have to spend with Erin while I was in town, I wasn’t going to waste it feeling sorry for myself.

  five.

  I wept for the loss, but also from the freedom. Once I got myself together, I sent Erin a text.

  What time do you want me to meet you?

  After waiting for what seemed like forever, I headed back to my cousin’s house. When I walked in, I could smell brunch being served. The smell of cooked bacon wafted through the house. A bottle of Jameson sat next to a plate piled with bacon.

  “Y’all having Irish Breakfast without me?” I acted as if everything were normal.

  “Where’s Parker?” Terri asked.

  “She should be almost to Baton Rouge by now.” I said, continuing to pour my shot.

  Gigi gave Terri a look and a nod, prompting her not to ask any more questions.

  “She had to get back home. It’s a long story.”

  Erin finally responded to my text three hours later. To avoid any further wait, I dialed her number and walked out on the porch.

  “What’s the plan?”

  “The plan depends on the answer to my question.”

  “She’s gone... Now what’s the plan?”

  There was a moment of silence. Maybe she didn’t know what to say. Maybe there was nothing she could say. It wasn’t her fault. It was our timing and that was on me.

  “We can talk when you get here. I’ll send you the address.”

  Since it had been suggested I take Parker out today, no one thought twice when I headed out. The drive to her house from Southern Maryland was only about thirty minutes, but since I missed my turn, it took me a little longer.

  In the time leading up to this trip, Erin and I talked every day while I was in Louisiana.

  “I’m moving out the weekend you’ll be here,” she told me at the beginning of May. I was eager to help, especially if it meant being able to spend more time with her.

  After college, she had moved back to her childhood home to live with her parents. Despite societal norms, particularly those in the Black community, she had no reason to leave, which allowed her to save money while working. That was another luxury I never had.

  Pulling up to her apartment, I felt like I was where I was supposed to be. It was a hapless situation, but the universe had spoken. Bringing Parker to DC was short-sighted. Although Erin and I were just friends, I knew I had an attraction that went beyond what I felt for any of my friends.

  Once inside, I was reminded of what it was like to move into a new place with nothing. The walls were gray and bare. There was no furniture other than the bedroom, which I wasn’t allowed to enter. I could see the unmade bed from the living room. There were some boxes stacked against the wall beneath the gated window. We sat on the rough carpet in the middle of the living room.

  “I need to go shopping. We need towels, dishes, knickknacks...” She was making a list which also included traveling to IKEA. “Do you know how to paint?” She stopped writing and looked up at me in anticipation of a response. I had been staring at her the entire time she was talking, but she hadn’t noticed.

  “Huh?”

  I heard her speaking, but I was captured in the possibilities of us. While making her lists, she kept saying “we.” We included me and that was all I needed to hear.

  “Can you help me paint?”

  “Sure. I just helped my friend, Brittany, paint her townhouse.” Painting her apartment meant I would be there even when I left. I felt permanent.

  As minor as it may have seemed, sitting next to her in the car was all I thought it would be and more. It was just enough to fuel my desire to make that my permanent seat as long as she owned that car.

  Hours passed going in store after store. I saw why everyone lumped DC, Maryland, and Virginia together. One minute we were in a store in Virginia, the next we were crossing a body of water with the DC skyline across the horizon and we would end somewhere in Maryland.

  We picked up pizza from Ledo’s before retreating back to the apartment. Climbing three flights of stairs hadn’t been so bad empty handed. Unloading a car full of wares and lugging them up was a workout unto itself. Endorphins fueled by infatuation carried me across the threshold on the final trip.

  Shopping, decorating, unpacking, and finally settling in for lunch with her, I daydreamed about what our life would be like together. I saw us as a power couple who would normalize same-sex relationships on a large scale.

  *

  I snapped back to reality when my phone went off. Parker had gone back to our place and wanted to know when I would return. Her call was a reminder of our unfinished business, but our relationship was definitely over. I cast that aside to be present with Erin.

  She moved around the space with the urgency of a worker bee, unpacking and cleaning as she went. I moved at a much slower pace, unpacking one bag at a time and placing items in a pile.

  “You got plans this summer?” I asked, uncertain of my own. ”I’m thinking about coming back after summer school to stay with my cousin.”

  “I thought you were taking a road trip up the coast?” she said with a smirk, still making circles around me.

  “That was the plan, but plans change. I’d rather spend the summer here and hang out with you.” I walked toward the bathroom to place the new towels in the washer. We had done everything necessary to call the apartment a home with the exception of paint.

  “I’ll be around.” She carried the pizza box and roll of paper towels to the middle of the once-again-empty floor. “How long would you stay?” Her question gave me the impression she wanted me there for as long as I was willing and able.

  “Probably until school starts.” I spoke. “There’s nothing for me in Baton Rouge after summer school. So like a month, maybe.”

  She pressed her lips in an attempt to hide a smile.

  A month would be more than enough time to get to know the real her.

  We finished eating as the sun was starting to set.

  “You better get to work.” Erin said, motioning toward the wall and the vivid paint. We only had one wall to cover, but it was a big wall. There was no way I was heading back to Louisiana first thing in the morning.

  “This probably won’t get finished tonight unless I stay here.” Hoping she would take the bait, I continued prepping the paint and rollers. The only places to sleep were her floor or her bed. Neither of us were ready for that.

  When the silence lingered in the air for a moment too long, I said, “I’ll sleep on the floor in here if it’s too late to leave.”

  She nodded her head in agreement and walked into the bedroom.

  six.

  Our conversation from the night before ran through my mind. I couldn’t believe I had let the words “I love you” glide off of my tongue. It had only been a month since I had last seen Erin, but love was the only way to describe the way I felt.

  We had been spending countless hours on the phone after I returned to Baton Rouge. At night, while I laid in bed of the room I was renting—a transitional housing situation after the breakup between Parker and I—we would fall asleep and wake up in the middle of the night to one another breathing, or in my case, snoring into the phone. It reminded me of my high school days when I’d stay up on the phone all night talking as if I wouldn’t see whomever it was first thing the next morning. I wanted to spend every waking, and even unawake, moment with her. It felt magical and like what I imagined love to feel like even if we were only still friends.

  Erin’s relationship with Tasha had fizzled out by that point, so I felt less guilty about falling for her. But Erin didn’t see me as the girlfriend type and had permanently put me in the friend zone. As long as I had daily access to her, I could play my role as the “best” friend.

  On the day of the drive to DC, my mom and I ventured out early through the rolling fog and endless trees along I-20. I kept replaying that conversation with Erin in my mind. Do I love her?

  The radio was a montage of people’s reactions to the death of Michael Jackson and all of his hits. Meanwhile, my mom was snoring between crocheting a blanket for my niece.

  This trip had been on my mind since I left DC in May. I should’ve waited to tell Erin how I felt in person. Maybe instead of asking why I loved her, she would have reciprocated. Instead, I got a lecture on how it was only infatuation and it would soon fade. Deflated was an understatement.

  I drove most of the ten-hour trip, keeping Erin up to speed on when I was scheduled to arrive at my cousin’s house.

  “I’m going to visit a friend this evening after we arrive,” I told my mom. She was known for trying to make plans for me, and I wanted her to know I had made plans of my own.

  “Today?” Her voice turned up. She wrinkled her face. This was my trip she had invited herself on. Her response gave me the impression she thought we were going to be hanging out.

  “Yeah. I won’t be out too long.” Reassuring her I would be back before she had an opportunity to even know I was gone. Gigi and Terri would keep her entertained in the interim.

  We arrived at my cousin’s house in Maryland around three that afternoon. Shortly after pulling into the horseshoe driveway that encompassed much of the front yard, I was on the road again. This time the destination was unknown. Although I knew where I was physically traveling to, I didn’t know where I would end.

  *

  The next week was the first of many adventures during that summer. Washington, DC had always been a place I longed for, but I think I actually fell in love with the city and its endless possibilities, and one of its inhabitants, that summer.

  I was shocked to see how easily Erin bonded with my mom when she came over. They sat on the porch, rocking away and chatting. Ma even taught her to crochet.

  “I’ve been doing this since I was a little girl,” Ma explained while finishing a throw I’d left incomplete.