I smiled and walked away, afraid Imperial Concubine Yi would miss me. After the initial excitement wore off, I realized that this was not the first time he had tried to warn me about something. He had also mentioned dangers at court while we were on the road from Hunan. What was he trying to tell me?

  * * *

  Even though life was pleasant in the inner court, we knew a storm was brewing. It was not our place to comment on such things, but it was clear that China was on the edge of war. The generals and ministers were warning of it when we attended the audiences and hardly a day went by that someone did not hear gossip regarding the foreigners at our gates. Some people whispered that the emperor could not fight the Westerners because he was still also fighting the Taiping. He wasn’t building a navy because his army was being drained in the south.

  The emperor was under constant stress. He rarely sent for Imperial Concubine Yi, or any of his consorts, because he was always too busy or too tired. There were also concerns about his health, but it could be considered treasonous to speculate about the health of the emperor, so we refrained from talking about such things with Concubine Yi. It was clear that she was worried. She loved to laugh and joke and have fun, but there were moments when she would sit in her chair and her mind would wander. She would go very quiet, her brow would furrow, and her eyes would stare off into the distance.

  Prince Gong and I still saw each other occasionally. Usually after audiences, but sometimes he would sneak into the inner court and catch my attention. He would tease me and touch my cheeks or my chin, but he never tried to kiss me or touch my body. I began to want him to, though. I had no idea how to initiate such a thing, but I began to fantasize about us being together, embracing, our lips touching, his hands all over me.

  One day, one of Imperial Concubine Yi’s ladies, Lady Yun, asked me about the prince, quite by surprise. “Yaqian,” she started as she pulled a chair up next to me as I was working on my embroidery, “is it true that you rode through the countryside for many weeks with Prince Gong before you arrived here?”

  I tried to keep my cheeks from going pink by keeping my face down, focused on my work, but I am sure I failed. “Yes. He escorted me from my school in Changsha to the palace. The trip took many weeks.”

  “Did you get to know him very well?” she asked.

  “We chatted a bit, sometimes,” I replied. “But it was hard to talk while riding on horses on those bumpy roads.”

  “What was he like?” she asked.

  “He was always very polite. I didn’t know how to ride a horse at first, so he taught me. He always made sure I wasn’t lagging too far behind and that the other men were respectful to me.”

  “He sounds very gallant,” she said, beaming.

  “I don’t really know,” I said. “I haven’t known many men in my life to compare him to. Why do you ask?”

  “Well, I heard that his mother is pressuring him to take another wife. He only has one son and two daughters. And the emperor only has one son as well. The dowager consort wants him to have more sons,” she explained.

  At this point, I glanced around and noticed that all the women were looking at us, listening to our conversation, including Imperial Concubine Yi.

  “This may sound like a stupid question,” I said to Lady Yun, “but are you allowed to marry? You don’t have to stay here and serve Mistress Yi?”

  The women all giggled.

  “It’s not a life sentence,” Imperial Concubine Yi replied, followed by a round of laughter from all the ladies.

  “Forgive me,” I said. “I am still learning how things work here.”

  “These women are all princesses and the best courtiers in the land. I can’t keep them to myself forever,” Imperial Concubine Yi explained. “They serve me for a few years, and then I make marriage matches for them.”

  “What about me?” I asked. “You won’t send me away, will you?”

  She seemed to ponder this for a moment. “You don’t want to marry?” she asked.

  “It was never part of my plan,” I explained. “I guess I always knew that I would have to marry someday, but I wanted to become a master needleworker. That requires all my focus, all my attention. I never planned to do anything else. I don’t know anything about cooking or children. When I came into your service, I assumed it would be for the rest of my life.”

  Concubine Yi nodded. “Some artisans, my opera singers and the court painters for instance, are devoted fully to their art. That is a noble cause. But life is long, Yaqian. At least it should be. You never know what will happen.”

  I thought about this for a moment. As much as I enjoyed my little secret meetings with Prince Gong, and I could feel my desire for him growing, would I really want to give up my work to be with him? Would I want to become a wife, sheltered away in a little house in service to one man for the rest of my days? Would I prefer that to a life in a palace with the consort of the emperor improving my embroidery techniques? I knew I would not.

  “Are you considering a match between Lady Yun and Prince Gong?” I asked Concubine Yi.

  “Maybe,” she replied. “But I am sure his mother already has her own candidates in mind.”

  “Where is the dowager consort?” I asked. “I don’t think I have met her.”

  “Over on the other side of the inner court there is a special palace and temple just for the wives and concubines of former emperors.”

  “Then you should pay her a visit,” I said to Lady Yun. “Why are you asking me about him? If you are thinking of marrying him, don’t you already know him?”

  “When would I have the chance?” she asked. “He rarely comes back here. He technically isn’t allowed, though I have seen him a couple of times. When he brought you here, for example.”

  “Why are no men allowed back here?” I asked, rather stupidly. “I mean, why are the eunuchs allowed here but not someone like Prince Gong? Are they not all men? And Prince Gong is family…”

  I was interrupted by an eruption of laughter from all the women. One of them even fell off her stool and I think Concubine Yi was crying from laughing so hard. My face went hot.

  “The eunuchs are not ‘men’,” one of the other ladies said.

  “At least not like Prince Gong,” another one piped up.

  “At least Lady Yun hopes not,” another one quipped to another round of laughter.

  “Yaqian,” Lady Yun said when she composed herself. “Do you really not know?”

  I shook my head, too embarrassed to speak. I was trying not to cry, I was so mortified.

  “The eunuchs are not really men because they have been cut. Do you understand?”

  I was moved by the fact that Lady Yun was trying to explain this to me instead of embarrassing me further. “No,” I said. “I really don’t. I wasn’t raised around men. We had a couple of guards by the front gate of our school, but they were never allowed inside. They lived and ate elsewhere. I last saw my cousins when I was six years old. I wasn’t taught anything about marriage or children. My life had a singular focus – to become the best embroidery girl in the country. That is really all I know.”

  At this, the girls stopped laughing and sat in awe. They were all raised to be wives and mothers. I think that until they met me, they never considered that there might be another path in life for a woman.

  “Well, men and women are different,” Lady Yun explained. “They are made for each other. In your…umm…secret area there are holes. And men, in their secret area, have something like a pole to fit into a woman’s holes. Eunuchs don’t have their pole anymore. They cut it off when they are children.”

  “They cut it off?” I asked, horrified. I then remembered Prince Gong remarking that Eunuch Shun had “cut off his balls.” I didn’t know what he meant at the time.

  “Imagine cutting off your own leg, Yaqian,” one of the other ladies spoke up. “It would be like that.”

  “For some men it would only be like cutting off a finger,” one of the other ladies said, followed by a chorus of laughter.

  I looked out into the yard at some of the eunuchs who were walking by or talking to each other. One was sweeping the walkway that led up to our porch.

  “That sounds terrible,” I said. “Do they cut it off themselves?”

  “No,” Lady Yun said. “Their fathers do it. Or sometimes an older eunuch.”

  “But there are thousands of eunuchs here in the Forbidden City,” I said. “All of them have done this? It is so common?”

  “More than that,” Imperial Concubine Yi said. “Do you know how many castrated men apply to be palace eunuchs every year? Thousands. Do you know how many we take into service? Only a few, because once a palace eunuch is appointed, they usually serve for life. So countless families cut their little boys in the hope that they will one day serve in the imperial city, but many never do. So some become scholars, join temples, or work for other noble families that can afford their service.”

  “This sounds like a horrid practice,” I said. “Why would they do that?”

  “It is a protection for us and the emperor,” Imperial Concubine Yi explained. “The emperor must be the only man in his house. It is only he who can plant seeds among the flowers.”

  “But why cut men?” I asked. “If he doesn’t want more men in the palace, then why not just hire more women? Women could do the jobs that eunuchs do.”

  “Oh no,” one of the other girls explained. “The eunuchs have to be men. They are well educated in math and science and the military. They have to organize the palace and keep everything running smoothly.”

  “Maybe women could be trained in those jobs,” I said.

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” one of the ladies said. “Men and woman all serve different functions, you know that. Men can’t embroider. Women can’t be soldiers.”

  “What about Hua Mulan?” I asked. The Flower Mulan was a story all young women knew, even if being a warrior wasn’t something we were supposed to strive for. “Or…wasn’t there a Manchu warrior woman? Mongyu…Mongeyisu! If women can learn to fight, I am sure a man with delicate fingers could learn to embroider.”

  “Surely they could not, Yaqian,” Imperial Concubine Yi said. “Doing so would upset the natural order of the world.” She stood. “I am tired of this conversation. I am going to lay down.”

  The other women all put down whatever they were working on and followed Concubine Yi into her bedroom. I sat by the door and looked out at the eunuchs working or passing by. I was so grateful to be a woman.

  * * *

  It took me two months complete that first chaopao for Imperial Concubine Yi. She was very impatient for it, checking my progress every day. But when it was done, and she saw the two robes side by side, she was amazed at the difference. She said the flowers on my robe looked so real she wanted to reach out and pluck them. She honored me by giving me a larger, better-placed bedroom and increased my allowance. But she was dismayed at how long it took me to complete the robe.

  “Art takes time, My Lady,” I explained. “You watched me. I didn’t slack. I worked every day.”

  She nodded but sighed with disappointed. “I suppose you cannot embroider all my clothes for me?”

  I nearly laughed. “No, My Lady. Not if you want me to improve my skills and work on other projects. But if you know of a special event coming up and need an exquisite gown made for it, with enough notice I can make you the most splendid robes.”

  “That’s true,” she said. “Someday my son will marry. I would need the most beautiful gown in all the land for an event such as that.”

  “Of course, My Lady,” I said with a bow.

  She sat on her little throne in her sitting room and motioned for me to sit near her. “I truly admire the work you do, Yaqian. My husband knows me very well and knew I would appreciate your work. When I was a little girl…” She paused when we heard sighs from some of the girls across the room. Concubine Yi shot them a sharp look and they quickly hid their faces. I think they had heard this story Concubine Yi was about to tell me many times before.

  “When I was a little girl,” she began again, “my grandfather was an honorable Manchu bannerman. We were privileged children in a privileged home. I was the eldest. But one day, the Daoguang Emperor realized that some palace officials had been stealing from the palace coffers. The theft was so severe, the court was nearly bankrupt! He had no idea who had done it, and most likely many men had been stealing for years, so the emperor decided to punish all the nobles in the land. All of the heads of the Manchu families were ordered to pay a large amount of money to the Throne.”

  “That sounds quite harsh,” I replied.

  “It was,” she said. “Many families were ruined and never recovered. My grandfather died from the stress and disgrace. But he only passed the debt on to my father. My father worked very hard to scrape together the money. We sold everything. Eventually, I was able to help by selling my embroidery work. I worked by the light of day and the fire of night to make as many pairs of embroidered and embellished Manchu pot-bottomed shoes as I could to sell. My work was highly sought after and I commanded a good price. Eventually, by pulling together, my family was able to pay off the debt. I no longer had to sell my shoes to survive, but I enjoyed the work. A few years later, I was ordered to appear before the Xianfeng Emperor for his selection of the royal consorts and I was chosen. Now I’ll never have to worry about money again.”

  I was nearly in tears after she finished her story. “My Lady, I never imagined that someone so illustrious as you would understand the plight of the common people. I also made shoes for many years to support my family. And now I am so blessed to be here by your side.”

  Concubine Yi was quite pleased with my reaction, and after that day, I learned many things about her life both before and during her years at the palace. Likewise, she was very interested in what life was like for me in the interior of the country. I enjoyed our chats and I would like to say that Imperial Concubine Yi and I became good friends, but that would be quite presumptuous of me.

  After that, Concubine Yi gave me almost total freedom. I was allowed to work on my art or create special pieces for her. I could sit with her in her main hall or outside in the gardens. I was quite spoiled, quite comfortable, and quite happy.

  I exchanged letters with some of the girls from Lady Tang’s school. Imperial Concubine Yi, Empress Zhen, and the emperor were all pleased with my work, and they showered honor on Lady Tang’s school. Several of the girls were requested for the imperial embroidery studios in Suzhou.

  To my surprise, Wensong was one of them. Apparently her betrothed had been killed in a battle and she begged to not be promised to another man. She wanted to do more with her life, so her family agreed to send her away. Some of the other girls had also come to Peking to serve in royal households. The value of works produced by Lady Tang and her girls grew exponentially. I was glad that so many people were able to benefit from my good fortune.

  * * *

  My first spring in the Forbidden City was an especially memorable time for me. On the third day of the third month, which was only three days before my seventeenth birthday and the beginning of the silkworm-rearing season, Imperial Concubine Yi led all of her ladies in a ceremony to praise the Silkworm Goddess, Can-nü. She led us to a special shrine, hidden in a rear garden surrounded by a koi pond and shaded by trellised plants, dedicated to Can-nü where we burned incense and begged her to protect her precious silkworms. We then were all carried in a caravan of sedan chairs to the nearby imperial mulberry farm where we helped collect cocoons and fed the living worms. I showed Concubine Yi and the other ladies how to tell a high-quality cocoon from one that was poorly colored or damaged.

  This ceremony was my favorite annual event and I knew I would look forward to it every year. The shrine to Can-nü became my favorite spot in all of the Forbidden City, and I would return to it as often as I could.

  10

  The Forbidden City, 1858

  One day I was sitting in a pavilion in the imperial garden watching the peacocks and practicing my double-sided embroidery when who should approach me but the emperor himself! I was so surprised I dropped my work as I dropped to my knees. The emperor laughed at me.

  “You don’t have to do that,” he said. “Just a bow at the waist is enough when we meet casually like this.”

  I stood up but remained bent at the waist. The emperor laughed again and bent over to pick up my embroidery hoop.

  “Ah, peacocks,” he said. He turned the piece over. “More peacocks! Wonderful!”

  I smiled. “Thank you, Your Majesty.”

  He handed me the hoop. “Please stand upright. You are making me dizzy.”

  I stood and accepted the hoop from him, but I kept my eyes downcast.

  “Will you walk with me?” he asked.

  I nodded, but thought it was awfully strange that he would want my company. We walked in silence for a moment around the garden. He appeared to be going nowhere in particular. He was being followed by no less than ten attendants.

  “Are you happy here, Yaqian?” he finally asked.

  “Oh, yes, Your Majesty!” I exclaimed. “Ever so much. Imperial Concubine Yi is such a kind mistress, and the palace is exquisite. And I have all the supplies I need to improve my embroidery.”

  “I am glad of that,” he said. “Your skills bring honor to the court.”

  I blushed. “Your Majesty is much too kind to me.”

  “Not at all,” he said. We followed a few more little paths. I noticed some of his attendants seemed to have slipped away. I wondered if they were using his distraction as a chance to escape for a while.

  “Can you embroider anything?” he asked.

  “Very nearly, but not quite,” I explained. “I am still improving my technique. Running water, such as a waterfall, still gives me trouble, and humans, like a woman’s face, always look like furry animals to me, but I am confident that one day anything you see will be able to come to life under my needle.”