Yet, here, in the darkness, I could give into my feelings, just this once. Being with him for just one night did not mean that I was his lover. One night of passion would not interfere with my duties to the empress. But not giving into my feelings would interfere. I could think of nothing else. Even right now, I should be working, but all I could think about was him. If I finally gave myself to him, it would be over and he would no longer occupy my thoughts. I could return to my work clear of mind.

  I brushed perfumed oil through my hair, tied it up and decorated it with a string of jade beads. I put on my best purple robe and used a small amount of red color on my lips. Then I waited. Finally, long after darkness had fallen, I heard a tiny knock on my door. I had to calm my stomach before going to open it.

  The prince was standing there, smiling brightly, almost as bright as the yellow dragon robe he was still wearing, and his eyes shined. He grabbed my hand as he entered and shut the door behind him. “Yaqian!” he exclaimed. “I cannot believe you are here. As soon as you left my sight earlier, I thought I had made a terrible mistake. I was sure that you would not be here, you would have hidden from me.”

  “It is my goal to make sure you never know what I will do,” I said.

  “But you are here,” he said stroking my face gently. “That must mean you do love me.”

  “I never said that,” I finally said. “I only wanted to know what it was like to sleep like a princess for one night.”

  He looked me up and down as he walked over to me slowly. “You will only know that,” he said as he undid the sash of my robe, “if you spend the night with a prince.”

  He kissed me and took the pins and beads from my hair so it could fall freely. He kissed my cheek and my neck. He opened my robe and caressed my naked breasts. My nipples grew hard as he squeezed them. He was a head taller than I was, so it was a little awkward as he bent to try and kiss my chest. He made me feel beautiful and confident. I didn’t want to shrink away from him; I wanted him to touch every part of me. He stood back up and reached through my robe to grab my backside with both hands and pulled me to him as he returned to kissing my mouth. I could feel his hardness poke me in the stomach as he did, which had the unfortunate effect of making me giggle like an idiot.

  He stopped groping me and looked down at me confused. “My lovemaking humors you, my lady?” he asked.

  I felt my face grow hot and I looked down to avoid his gaze. I wasn’t sure what to say, so I undid the sash on his robe and opened it to reveal his naked body. It was fantastic. His imperial raiment concealed the body of a warrior. His chest was hard and every muscle was clearly etched on his skin. He had a scar on the left side of his stomach from a battle he had almost lost. His legs showed immense power from years of riding horses. His member, which had been fully erect and stabbing me only a moment ago, was now drooping a bit, dejected at my cruel giggles. I realized at that moment that he was in my power. His pleasure or his pain was at my bidding.

  “Tell me how to please you,” I whispered.

  He looked down and kissed me again before taking my hand and leading me over to the kang. He removed his robe and tossed it to one side. He slid his fingers over my shoulders and removed my robe as well. We stood naked before each other as equals. Both vulnerable, both full of desire. Just a man and a woman, not a prince and gōngnǚ. He sat on the edge of the kang and motioned for me to sit in front of him. I got down on my knees, between his, and my face directly across from his cock.

  “Touch it,” he said.

  I gently ran my fingers down one side, causing him to gasp again. He wrapped my fingers around him and showed me how to move my hand up and down, with my thumb hitting below the tip, just the way he liked it. He moaned quietly at my touch. I could feel myself growing wet from the knowledge that I was pleasing him. Oh, how I wanted him to touch me in such intimate ways.

  He reached down and ran his fingers through my hair then he pulled my face closer to his cock.

  “Kiss,” he said.

  I was a bit surprised at first, and it seemed a little strange. I wanted to laugh to cover the fact that I felt uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings again, so I leaned in and gave a small kiss near his snake eye. I looked up at him for approval. I wasn’t sure how this little kiss could please him. He was smiling and ran his thumb over my lips.

  “Open your mouth,” he said. “And take me inside.”

  This seemed even stranger to me. I didn’t know a lot about lovemaking, but I didn’t think his member was supposed to go into my mouth. I was aching between my legs and wanted him to touch me there. He must have noticed the confusion and apprehension in my face. This time he chuckled.

  “Don’t be scared,” he said. “Just try it for a minute.”

  I opened my mouth and he guided the head of his cock inside. He put his hand behind my head and moved me slightly forward and back so he went in and out of my mouth. He tasted salty, but he was certainly enjoying himself, moaning and panting, so I didn’t stop. He gripped my hair as I tried to move my mouth and tongue all around his cock. He tried to force me to take him deeper, but I made a horrible gagging sound. He let go of my hair and stroked my cheeks.

  “I’m sorry, Yaqian,” he said. “We will have to work on that next time.” He looked at me with gentle eyes and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that there wouldn’t be a next time. He pulled me up toward him and laid with me on the kang. He kissed me and stroked my hair and face. He massaged my breasts and once again made them pique with delight. He kissed down my throat and chest and then flicked one of my nipples with his tongue. His breath felt cool on the now wet nipple, which made my body feel prickly all over. He sucked, kissed, and bit all over my breasts as he slowly moved on top of me.

  This was how it was supposed to be, I thought. This was nothing like the night I spent with the emperor. Prince Gong didn’t seem to have a thought for my feet. He didn’t touch them or caress them, which was how I preferred it. The way Prince Gong was loving me felt right. I wanted him on me, around me, inside me. I opened my legs when I felt his hand petting my soft hairs. I could feel him smile through his kisses as he touched my wetness.

  “I’m glad you want me, Yaqian,” he whispered.

  “I would not be here if I didn’t, my prince,” I answered.

  At that, he positioned himself between my legs and lay completely on top of me. I could feel his cock touching and prodding me, looking for its way in. His body was much bigger than mine, this battle-built stallion trying to mount a small, domesticated mare. I spread my legs as far as I could and arched my hips to welcome him into me. I could not help but moan as just the head of his cock entered my body. He pulled out and then entered me again. He repeated this motion several times over and I groaned every time he pulled out and gasped in pleasure every time he entered.

  He then reached around with one arm behind my backside. He pulled out, and while I expected him to enter again gently, that is not what happened. He held me firmly and shoved the full length of his cock inside me. I gasped in horror as pain shot through my entire body. I am sure I screamed because he then placed a hand over my mouth, but my head was swimming in confusion, pleasure, and terror. I felt as though I had been run through with a sword.

  Prince Gong kissed my cheek and shushed me. He rubbed my hips and said words to calm me. “My sweet Yaqian. I’m sorry. I knew you were a virgin and it would hurt. I didn’t want to scare you, so I did it quickly.”

  I was angry and sad at the same time. Part of me wanted to slap his face and stomp away. Another part of me wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. Was this it? Was this sex? This pain was something people killed, lived, and died for?

  “Is…is that…it?” I finally managed to ask while choking back tears.

  He kissed my face. “No, no, my dear. That was just the worst part since this is your first time. When you are ready, we can keep going.”

  I didn’t know what he meant by “keep going,” but I didn’t want the one night I was going to spend with him to end like this, in pain and tears. I nodded and whispered, “Keep going.”

  He nodded and slowly began to pull his full girth in and out of me. I was sore, but as he continued to make love to me, with sweet kisses, soft caresses, and skillfully entering and exiting my body, I calmed down and returned to the state of ecstasy I was in before.

  Once he got into a steady rhythm, he gripped my shoulders, placed his cheek against mine, and panted with each thrust. I loved feeling his hot breath on my skin, his body form sweat under my fingers, and the way his cock now so easily slid in and out of me. Our bodies moved as one and I took great pleasure in the fact that he was enjoying my body as much as I was enjoying his.

  I don’t know that I ever climaxed, the entire experience felt so good and was so exhilarating that every moment was euphoric, but I do know that he did. With one last hard thrust and groan, he spilled into me, filling me with warmth and satisfaction.

  Afterward, I lay in his arms for a long time. I knew the sun would rise and he would have to escape the palace before dawn, but I didn’t want my night with the prince to end too soon. One night of selfish pleasure had been too much to ask for and it couldn’t happen again. So I savored him. I breathed his scent in deeply. I ran my fingers over every muscle and every scar on his body. I licked the salt from his cheek. This moment would have to last me a lifetime.

  * * *

  I awoke to a banging sound. I didn’t remember falling asleep. I could still smell the prince and feel the soft silk of his robe under my fingers. The banging got louder.

  “Mistress Yang! Mistress Yang!” a maid called. “Are you all right? The door is locked. You are late!”

  I finally forced myself to open my eyes. The prince was gone. As the blur cleared from my eyes, a yellow blanket appeared before me. I sat up. It wasn’t a yellow blanket, but Prince Gong’s dragon robe!

  “Mistress Yang! Is everything okay?”

  Wide awake, I gripped the robe and jumped out of bed. I would never be able to explain why the robe was in my room. Why had the idiot left it? What was he wearing when he left? I tried to find somewhere to hide it, but my trunk was full. Besides, anywhere I put it, the maid who cleaned my room would find it eventually. Then I heard another voice calling for me.

  “Yaqian!” called Wensong. “Are you in there? Are you sick? The empress is calling for you.”

  I would have to open the door. I was late. But what would I do with the robe? I panicked. In my fear and stupidity, I shoved the robe in the fireplace, which had a small fire still burning in it. The robe immediately caught on fire. It began to shrink and smelled like burning hair. I didn’t have time to change my mind because in only a moment, the beautiful golden robe turned to black ash. All that was left were the little pearls I had used as embellishments. I reached in and made sure they were all buried in the ash. My fingers were black from the ruin of my most magnificent creation.

  “Yaqian!” Wensong yelled. “Open this door or I’ll bring someone to break it down.”

  A primal, guttural wail began to fill my ears. It took me a second to realize this intense sound of pain was coming from me. What had I done? The magnum opus of my life was gone in an instant. The cost of one night with the prince had been the most magnificent creation of my career. The empress would find out! The prince was supposed to wear the robe on official occasions. She would notice if he wasn’t wearing it. She would demand to know where it was. I cried louder. I would die two deaths. One for sleeping with the prince, the other for destroying the great gift her majesty had bestowed upon the prince.

  The banging on my door resumed, but much louder and more intense. An Dehai suddenly burst through the door, with the maid and Wensong right behind him. They found me kneeling on the ground in front of the fireplace, my hands black with soot and crying as if I had just been stabbed.

  Wensong ran to me and took me in her arms. I mumbled something about being stupid and heartbroken because I dropped something into the fire. An Dehai quickly accepted this excuse and left the room, uninterested in caring for the needs of a hysterical female. Wensong helped me wash my hands and face and get dressed so I could attend the empress. I calmed myself as much as I could and went about my day as if the night before had not been the most wonderful and then the most terrible of my life.

  15

  Peking, 1864

  My guilt over the destruction of the robe consumed me. I could hardly eat but was constantly nauseous. Even two months after my night with the prince, I was vomiting nearly every day, often several times. I was once again late for reporting to the empress one morning when Wensong came up with her own diagnosis for the cause of my symptoms.

  I was huddled over my chamber pot when Wensong entered my room without knocking.

  “You’re pregnant, aren’t you?” she asked without any segue.

  “What?” I screeched. “I don’t even know what that means! Why would you say that?”

  “It means you are going to have a baby,” she said.

  “I know that! I didn’t mean literally! I just meant that it would be impossible to know what you are talking about because I’ve never been with anyone.”

  “Are you sure?” she asked. “What about that day a few months ago, when you were all hysterical over the fireplace? Did something happen? Did someone…were you…did a man hurt you?”

  I looked at the concern on her face. Is that what she thought had happened? Was she really worried I had been hurt? Now I felt even more guilt over causing my friend such stress.

  “No,” I said, getting up and moving to the chair by the window. “Well, no one hurt me. But…yes…there was a man. But it was only once! How can I be pregnant?”

  “Have you bled since that night?” she asked.

  I thought about it. I hadn’t noticed since I had been so ill, but now that she asked, I realized she was on to something. “No,” I said cautiously.

  “That means you’re pregnant!” she exclaimed.

  “What?” I asked. “Is that really what that means? How do you know? Lady Tang didn’t explain any of this.”

  “I have nine younger brothers and sisters,” she said. “My mother and my father’s other women were always pregnant.”

  “I can’t believe this,” I said, burying my head in my hands.

  “I knew it!” she said, smiling. She shut the door and pulled up a stool to sit next to me. “Who was it? What was it like?”

  “I can’t talk about this!” I said, my face reddening.

  “It was Prince Gong, wasn’t it?” she said, her eyes sparkling. “Was he as wonderful as everyone imagines? He is so handsome! Was he gentle? Did it hurt?”

  “You know I can’t admit who it was,” I said.

  “Aiya!” she said, flopping over on my bed. “That is amazing. You are so lucky!”

  “Lucky?” I said. “If anyone finds out, I’ll be given a silk rope! And now that I’m…you know…they are bound to find out!”

  “Don’t worry,” she said. “Just tell the prince. He will know what to do.”

  * * *

  A baby. I was going to have a baby? I couldn’t do this. I didn’t want to do this. It wasn’t my life. The role of mother was meant for someone else.

  I waited by the little koi pond for Prince Gong to meet me. I had caught his glance when he attended an audience with the empress earlier that day. I hadn’t seen him since our night together and he seemed anxious to speak with me. I finally heard his familiar footsteps coming down the corridor.

  “Yaqian!” he called out when he saw me. He ran up and embraced me. I gave him a cool embrace back. There was no tightness or warmth in my arms. He noticed, taking a step back and looking into my face with worried eyes.

  “What is wrong?” he asked. “I heard you have been ill, but I had to pretend it didn’t bother me, so it has been hard to get information.”

  “I haven’t been ill,” I said. “Not exactly.” I turned away from him, unsure how to tell him. I felt his warm hands on my shoulders.

  “What is it then?” he asked.

  “I am with child, Prince Gong,” I said.

  He turned me toward him. His eyes were big and his mouth agape. “What? Is this true?”

  “I would never lie to you,” I said.

  “But you are sure?”

  I shrugged. “Apparently I have all the signs,” I said.

  “Are you sure it’s mine?” he asked.

  Anger flared up from my belly to my face and, without even thinking, I raised my hand to slap him across the face. I swung, but he jerked back and grabbed my wrist. I glared at him and he looked at me apologetically.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I should have let you hit me. It was a warrior’s reflex to stop someone from striking me. I should not have questioned your honor.”

  I wrested my wrist from his hand and turned away. “What honor?” I asked as my eyes started welling with tears. “I have given into my most carnal desires. I betrayed the empress. I defiled a prince. I destroyed my most beloved creation. I have ruined my life. I have no honor left.”

  The prince stepped up and put his arms around me. “There, there. It will be all right. I won’t let any harm come to you.”

  “What will we do?” I asked, turning to him.

  “Can you get rid of it?” he asked.

  “Get rid of it?” I asked, not clear about his meaning.

  “I have heard that women know how to make sure that babies won’t come if they don’t want them.”

  I shook my head. “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

  “Well, maybe you can ask one of the other girls in the inner court. Someone must know how to make this go away.”

  “I can’t tell any of those harpies what I’ve done! The only person who knows is Wensong and she said I should talk to you. Any of those other women will go straight to the empress if they find out.”