To be honest, I didn’t miss my daughter as much as I thought I would. I was content in knowing that she was being raised in a happy, loving, safe home where she would always have nice clothes to wear and good food to eat. Her childhood would be much better than mine. What more could a mother hope for?

  Over the next few years, life was relatively calm and quiet. Empress Cixi enjoyed a period of peace and prosperity. The rebellions were either squashed or died out on their own, there was always tension with the foreigners, but it was better to work together than to fight, and the customs taxes she charged for their exports brought the country great wealth. Most of the indemnities she was being forced to pay after the opium war that destroyed her husband she paid with money the foreigners paid her for the right to use the treaty ports they forced her to open. The empress was under constant stress trying to balance the world in her two dainty hands, but it was working, and she was in the process of leaving a prosperous future to the Tongzhi Emperor.

  18

  The Forbidden City, 1869

  The year the Tongzhi Emperor turned thirteen was the year his glorious mother began to prepare for his wedding. He seemed awfully young to me, but the actual marriage would not take place for another three years. It would take that long to find the consorts, prepare for the rituals, and make all the wedding clothes. I was put in charge of designing all the wedding garments: the robes for the emperor, his future consorts, and his two mothers.

  It was an exciting task, and I couldn’t wait to get started. I would have to hand-draw unique embroidery patterns for each outfit to send to the royal embroidery studios in Suzhou, but inspect and complete the final embellishments myself in Peking. At least, that is how it was supposed to have been done. The empress called me before her one day for what I thought would be a discussion about how to best communicate with the embroiderers in Suzhou.

  “I think you should go to Suzhou yourself,” she announced.

  “What?” I asked, not hiding my surprise.

  “Yes, this is much too important of an event for you to manage from afar. You must go to Suzhou and oversee the embroiderers yourself.”

  “This is quite an honor, Your Majesty,” I replied. “There is really no need. I could direct the embroiderers from here so you can better relay your wishes to me directly. But if this is your wish, I appreciate the opportunity to see the Suzhou embroidery workshops for myself. Thank you.”

  “We will arrange everything, all the designs and measurements and color palates, before you go. And if I do need anything, An Dehai will be there to help you.”

  “What?” I asked, not hiding my shock. “An Dehai will be with me? Outside the Forbidden City?”

  I stood there, my mouth agape along with everyone else’s. The room went silent. An Dehai stood by her side with his head held high. No longer the sniveling, foot-shuffling whipping boy he once was, he should be, he stood tall and proud as any man. How had this happened? What had given him such confidence? Something must have happened between him and the empress that I had missed. But more importantly, why was she making such a dangerous decision. Palace eunuchs were not allowed to leave the Forbidden City. He could be executed just for stepping foot outside the gate. Even under the empress’s orders, sending a palace eunuch outside of the court on court business simply wasn’t heard of.

  And An Dehai himself was not a popular figure. Since Prince Gong’s dismissal, it seemed as though An Dehai was the most powerful, or at least influential, man in China. He had the ear of the empress and no one could get to her except through him. Many people suspected he was influencing her for his own gain and that he was the one making major decisions. It was ridiculous, mostly. I knew from my own observations that the empress ruled the country herself. But who knew what she and An Dehai spoke of in private, how he could have turned her one way or another. True or not, though, An Dehai had many enemies.

  “An Dehai will be leading the trip,” she explained. “He will take a small fleet to Suzhou, oversee the production of the wedding garments, and make sure they are safely returned to Peking early enough for me to inspect them and order any changes that need to be made.”

  “With all due respect, Your Majesty,” I couched, carefully. “An Dehai is not an embroidery expert. If you want anyone to oversee this expedition, it should be me.”

  “Pride has always been your most egregious trait, Yang Yaqian,” An Dehai piped up. I shot him a look so full of hate I think he nearly jumped back.

  The empress raised her hand to silence both of us. “This is not meant as an injury to anyone’s pride,” she said. “Yaqian, of course I value your skills as an embroiderer, that is why I am sending you with him. But An Dehai knows me better than anyone. He knows my likes, my dislikes, my wishes for my son. And he has served me faithfully for many years.” I bit my lip to keep from pointing out that the same things could be said of me. “He deserves this opportunity to stretch his wings.”

  “Then don’t send me,” I said. “An Dehai and I both love you and know you well. If you send him, I beg you not to send me along his side.” This trip was a fool’s errand that would only end in disaster. Anyone could see that. Why couldn’t she? How could she be so blind? “I can work with you here and then convey your wishes to him in Suzhou.”

  “You will go where I bid you,” she said firmly. “That is all. Start sketching some designs. We need to make sure everything is prepared before you go. You will leave in the fall.”

  I bowed and left the room. I went right to Liujian, who had already heard the news about An Dehai’s Great Journey.

  “He is looking for a group of eunuchs to accompany him. He is letting us pay him for his favor, for the right to go. How much do you think it would cost?” he asked me, excitedly.

  “You are not going,” I said.

  “But when would another chance come? And you and the prince have paid me well. I have saved most of it, probably more than most other eunuchs have the chance to save…”

  “Shut up!” I finally said, hurting his delicate feelings. “Another chance like this won’t come because it shouldn’t ever happen! You aren’t supposed to leave. If you do, you are forfeiting your life.”

  “But the empress…”

  “I know what the empress said,” I said. “But I also know how much you all are hated. And An Dehai has many enemies in this world. Trust me. This is a bad and very dangerous idea.”

  “But you are going,” he said.

  “Not if I can help it,” I said. “I need you to send a letter to Prince Gong.”

  * * *

  * * *

  My letters to the prince begging for help went unanswered. Everyone was talking about the trip, and everyone was concerned. Nothing like this had ever been done before. All I could do was discourage everyone I could from tagging along. Strangely, even though everyone thought the trip was a bad idea, everyone wanted to go. The eunuchs and gōngnǚ of every station were virtual prisoners in the palace. The eunuchs were usually imprisoned for life. They couldn’t have a life outside the palace walls. For years, the gōngnǚ would never venture outside the palace walls. Many of them would eventually be married off, but they would simply exchange one prison for another. For many of the gōngnǚ and the eunuchs, the chance to have an adventure outside of the palace walls was worth any consequences.

  I worked with the empress every day on the designs for the wedding clothes. She didn’t talk to me of anything else. It was clear she didn’t want to discuss the trip with me any further. After a few weeks, though, she let her guard down and I took the last opportunity to try and convince her to change her mind.

  “Your Majesty,” I began. “There really is no need to send such a large retinue to have the clothes made. I am confident I can take just a few assistants and go to Suzhou and return with the most beautiful clothes in the world for you and the emperor so quickly you will not even realize we were gone.”

  “I can’t cancel the trip now,” she said. “Have you seen how happy An Dehai is? It would break his heart to tell him he couldn’t go.”

  “But why do you care?” I asked. “He is just a eunuch.”

  “‘Just a eunuch’?” she asked. “Are you just an embroidery girl?”

  “Compared to an empress, yes,” I said. “I wish I amounted to more, but I don’t. We are all just servants.”

  “I thought you were my friend,” she said.

  “I am your friend,” I said. “Which is why I have to speak about this.”

  “Well, An Dehai is my friend too,” she said. “And he has served me faithfully for years. I would not be who I am today without him. It is time for me to repay his loyalty.”

  “There are many other ways to reward loyalty,” I said.

  “But this is his dream,” she said. “To stand at the helm of a ship, not as a eunuch, but as a man. To have a taste of what his life might have been like had he not been cut.”

  “But it is dangerous,” I said. “Are you not afraid something will happen to him?”

  “What could happen?” she asked. “I am the empress! Oh yes, the men would like to diminish my power by calling me ‘dowager empress’, as if I am the wife of a dead man and nothing more. But they know the truth. Everyone knows that I run this country. I am the most powerful woman in China, and possibly the world, save Queen Victoria. She runs her country in her own right. She doesn’t have to sit behind a screen. She can meet with foreign envoys. She doesn’t have to sign her edicts in the name of a little boy. Well, if she can do it, so can I.”

  I couldn’t respond, only express my distaste with my expression. I didn’t try to hide the fact that I was angry and thought she was wrong. Three years before, she had dismissed Prince Gong for overstepping his bounds. She was overstepping her bounds now. She might envy Queen Victoria, but this was China, and in China women did not rule. I believed Empress Cixi had the ability. After all, I had encouraged her to send Prince Gong away so she could rule more freely, but even she could not fight thousands of years of tradition. She couldn’t change the country overnight. She had only been able to make some reforms because she had the support of the grandees, but they were against her in this. Every man in China would be against her. From local magistrates and provincial governors to peasants, they would not want to see a palace eunuch at the head of a fleet of ships sailing down the Grand Canal in royal splendor. It was too ludicrous for words.

  After my session with the empress, I realized that she could not be reasoned with. I decided to try and send letters to everyone I could think of who might be able to pressure her into stopping this folly. I would write to Prince Chun, Prince Gong’s younger brother, the man who had helped Cixi write her decree against Sushun eight years before. Surely he would not want to see her undone by her silly infatuation with a castrated man.

  I went to Liujian’s room to ask him for help, but he was not the eunuch I found. An Dehai was there waiting for me.

  “Where is Liujian?” I asked.

  “Never mind that,” he said. “We need to talk.”

  “I have nothing to say to you,” I said, turning to leave.

  He grabbed my arm. “Then listen,” he said. “I know you have been working against me. Trying to keep me from going on this trip. I am ordering you to stop.”

  “You disgusting worm,” I spat, ripping my arm from his grasp. “You don’t order me. I could have you beaten just for touching me.”

  “You won’t,” he said. “You will stop speaking against me and this expedition. You will go along with it and support it as if your life depended on it, because it just might.”

  “What are you talking about,” I asked.

  “How do you think the empress would feel if she knew you had left her to have a baby in the countryside?”

  I could never gamble – my face was too expressive. I didn’t even have time to think about pretending I didn’t know what he was talking about.

  “Just as I thought,” he said. “I am sure it would also go badly for your Lady Tang as well if it got out that one of her girls was a whore.”

  “I’m not a whore,” I said.

  “Yes, you are,” he said. “And you are also a traitor.”

  “I have never betrayed the empress!” I yelled.

  “No, but you did betray her husband. You and your faithless lover, Prince Gong. You disobeyed the emperor’s orders. Helped the prince undermine his own brother’s power. Was it to help the prince take the throne? Did he promise to make you a royal consort?”

  “You have no idea what you are talking about.”

  “I know enough. If you don’t stop fighting me, the empress will know. And if the death by a thousand cuts is not enough to frighten you, just realize that your dishonor will have far-reaching consequences. Lady Tang, your bastard, even your friend Wensong, I’ll not spare anyone you care about from the death and ruin I could wreak upon them.”

  “You are a heartless monster,” I mumbled.

  “Maybe,” he said. “But we are going to have such a glorious time sailing down the Grand Canal together.”

  He left me alone with the fact that I could do no more, and would soon be on my way to Suzhou with the most hated man in China.

  * * *

  * * *

  I could do nothing to calm my nerves as I boarded one of the ships at the port of the Grand Canal. The ships and port were so crowded. As the ships started to sail, everyone ran to the side of the decks to wave to onlookers. Everyone except me. I went to my room and prayed the trip would be over soon and without incident.

  At first, everything seemed to be going to plan. We had three ships with dozens of crewmen. There were eight eunuchs traveling with An Dehai in the first ship. He was so proud to be captain of the fleet that he brought his mother, sisters, and several aunts along. They sailed in the second ship. Myself, several other maids, and Wensong were on the last ship. In spite of An Dehai’s warnings, I had tried to convince Wensong to not come along, but she wouldn’t hear of it. Apparently, Empress Ci’an had wanted her to go along. When Ci’an had heard that Cixi was sending me, she decided to send her own embroidery maid to help out.

  As we sailed down the Grand Canal, everyone was in good spirits. There was food and drink for all and several musicians on each ship. After a couple of days, my nerves started to relax, but I was still unable to join in the festivities. When the ship docked in Shandong, most of the revelers decided to disembark. Shandong was a large and lovely town with numerous taverns, restaurants, shops, and brothels along the canal. For most travelers, it was a must-stop place. I, however, was against making any stops, so I refused to leave the boat.

  For a while, I sat on the deck in the cool evening and listened to the sounds of the city. Laughter and music drifted over the water and onto the ship. It wasn’t enough to entice me onto dry land, but it was enjoyable to listen to. Eventually, I went to bed and let the rocking of the boat lull me to sleep.

  At some point during the night, I heard heavy footsteps on the decks above me. At first, I thought it must be my shipmates returning from a night of drinking and singing, but then I realized the steps were rushed. I was still groggy with sleep when my door was kicked open and a burly guard burst into the room. I screamed as he grabbed me and dragged me above deck. The few other people who had stayed with me on the ship had also been rounded up. Then we were herded together down the gangplank and into town. Our questions about what was happening were totally ignored as we were pushed through town. An angry mob formed around us, screaming at us, but I couldn’t understand what they were saying. Eventually we were taken to a large stone building that looked sort of like a fort. We were taken through the main gate and then through a small door. We went down a long, dimly lit hallway lined with heavy wood and metal doors. They opened one of the doors and threw the men from our group inside. We women were thrown into another room.

  It was so dark, I couldn’t see anything at first, but I could hear the crying of other women who were already in the cell. After a moment, my eyes were able to adjust to the very small amount of moonlight that was streaming in through a tiny window. I realized that all the women from our expedition were in the cell. I finally caught sight of Wensong and went to her.

  “What happened?” I asked. “Why are we here?”

  “I’m not sure,” she said. “Everyone was drinking and laughing and having a wonderful time when a man, someone called him the governor, busted in and ordered us all under arrest. It was so chaotic after that. Some people ran away, others fought back, a crowd of people surrounded the tavern we were at and started screaming at us. We were all arrested and brought here. No one has explained why or what is going to happen to us.”

  I nodded and led her over against a wall. We sat down and held each other. There wasn’t anything we could do until we were informed of what our crime was, though I had a feeling I already knew what it was.

  * * *

  * * *

  The next morning, we were all given a bucket of congee and a few baozi to share. It wasn’t enough to fill any of us up, but we shared as much as we could. There was no chamber pot, so we designated a pile of straw in one corner as the place to relieve ourselves. Of course, we had no paper or cloths to clean ourselves after. The nights were cold, but we all huddled together for warmth.

  We sat in our miserable cell for days, with no information about why we had been arrested or what might become of us. After a few days, a guard finally entered the room. He made us line up and clapped our hands in chains. We were led outside, where a large platform had been built. Then, we saw An Dehai, the other eunuchs, and the sailors led to the stage. The guards made An Dehai get down on his knees. A guard stood over him and unraveled a proclamation, which he read out loud.