I put my phone down. “Sorry. And don’t worry. I’m not… worried. At least, not about Joel or your wedding.”

  Natalie’s eyebrows crease. “But you’re worried about something?”

  “I…”

  I pause to gather my thoughts and put them into words but fail.

  Natalie scoots over to my side. “Is it about that guy you’re going out with?”

  I look at her with arched eyebrows. “What guy?”

  She chuckles. “Seriously, do you think I didn’t notice that you bought lingerie for yourself?”

  I thought I was able to put the bag away before she saw it.

  “And don’t tell me you just like wearing sexy lingerie, because I’ve never seen you wear any or wash any or pack any. You’re seeing someone, aren’t you?”

  Busted.

  Natalie places a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell Joel. I promise I won’t.”

  I look at her. “Thanks.”

  She leans over my shoulder. “So, did he like it?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know. I think so, but I don’t know.”

  “What’s he like?” she asks next. “Where did you meet him?”

  Too many questions.

  “I’ll only answer the first one. He’s hot.”

  Very hot.

  “He’s hard-working. He’s great at everything.”

  “Even in bed?”

  I can’t help but blush. “Yes.”

  I’ve never been with a man who could make me lose my mind like he can.

  “What’s his job?” Natalie asks.

  “He has an office job,” I answer.

  She gasps. “You’re not going out with Ryker Hawthorne, are you?”

  “No,” I deny it immediately even as I wonder how she got that right.

  Have I been so obvious? Or is she just observant? This is just her suspicion, right? She doesn’t know?

  “It’s… someone I met while I was giving a cooking lesson,” I add.

  Natalie touches her chin. “I see.”

  I realize I just answered her second question, too. I frown. I may think of her as an angel, but she’s a clever one.

  “Anyway, don’t tell Joel,” I tell her. “It’s not… serious, anyway.”

  “You mean you’re just having sex?”

  Are we? It feels like more than that, but I don’t really know. He hasn’t said he loves me, but I know he cares about me. This is Ryker we’re talking about. He doesn’t sleep around. Plus, didn’t he say he doesn’t want anyone but me?

  “More than that,” I say. “Actually, maybe it is serious. But we’re not getting married or anything.”

  We’re not even boyfriend and girlfriend, as far as I know.

  “If you are, do you promise you’ll let me know?” Natalie asks.

  “Sure,” I answer. “You can even be my maid of honor.”

  “Nah.” She shakes her head. “I think a maid of honor has to be single. But I can be your matron of honor.”

  “Then that’s what you’ll be,” I tell her with a smile. “But enough about my wedding that may not even happen. You’re the one who’s getting married.”

  “If Joel comes back.”

  “He will come back,” I assure her. “How can he not when he has such a wonderful woman waiting for him? And if he doesn’t, I’ll disown him. I’ll be your sister instead.”

  Natalie laughs.

  I hold her hand. “Seriously, though, Joel will come back and the two of you will have a beautiful wedding. And an amazing wedding shower.”

  “Have you and Ryker booked a venue for that yet?”

  “No.” Because honestly, we haven’t talked much about it. “But we have some ideas. I…”

  I stop as I remember that I was writing down those ideas while waiting for Ryker to come home to his apartment. I left the list inside a magazine that I put away when I heard footsteps out in the hallway. I should go back to get it.

  Who knows? Maybe we can pick up where we left off, too.

  “Is something wrong?” Natalie asks.

  “Nothing,” I reply. “Just making plans inside my head.”

  Hopefully, this one will work.

  ~

  I go back to Ryker’s apartment the next day. This time, I do things the proper way. I tell him I’m coming over—he hasn’t replied, but the point is he knows I’m coming—and I ring his doorbell instead of asking for his keys. After the second ring, he opens the door.

  “Hey.” I give him a wide smile.

  Ryker’s eyes narrow. “Claire?”

  My smile vanishes as my heart sinks.

  Why? Why doesn’t he seem happy to see me? Didn’t he get my message? Is that why he didn’t reply—because he didn’t want to see me? But why? What did I do?

  “Are you still mad at me?” I ask him outright.

  I don’t want to waste any more time guessing.

  Ryker opens the door wider. “Why don’t you come in and we’ll talk?”

  Talk? About what? Why does he look more serious than usual?

  I guess I only have one way to find out.

  I step inside his apartment. He closes the door behind me and walks to the living room. I try not to stare at the muscles of his back framed by his thin shirt. Or his firm ass.

  He wants to talk, not to fuck. That means something is up.

  I sit in the armchair, not on the couch beside him. I spot the magazine where I left my scribblings beneath the coffee table and I get it.

  I lift the piece of paper up. “I just came back for this. It’s a list of ideas that I came up with for Joel and Natalie’s wedding shower while waiting for you.”

  Ryker looks at me. “So the wedding is still on?”

  I nod. “It is. Didn’t Joel tell you?”

  He shakes his head.

  I let out a breath. “I guess he and Natalie are still busy making up.”

  Before I left their apartment this morning, it was getting pretty noisy in the bedroom.

  Ryker shrugs. “Maybe.”

  I draw a deep breath. “So what do you want to talk about?”

  We might as well get this over with.

  Ryker meets my gaze. From the look in his eyes, I can already tell I’m not going to like what he’s going to say.

  “I think we should stop seeing each other.”

  What? I look away and take a moment to gather my thoughts.

  “You don’t want to see me anymore?”

  Ryker doesn’t answer.

  “Why? Is it because I barged into your apartment yesterday? Is this still about that? Or is it because of the lingerie? Maybe I was too daring.”

  “It’s not about that.”

  “Then is it because Joel almost caught us? Is that why?”

  Ryker draws a breath. “I think it’s best for us to stop seeing each other.”

  “That is why, isn’t it?”

  No answer. I knew it. I was afraid this would happen. I had a feeling it might ever since he stopped replying to my messages.

  I stand up. “You know what? If you’re feeling guilty or worried, we can just go and tell Joel. We can go right now.”

  I don’t care if he and Natalie are having sex. I’m not going to let him get in the way of my happiness.

  “No,” Ryker says. “We’re not telling Joel because there is no ‘we’.”

  Unbelievable.

  “So you’re just going to throw me away?”

  “I’m not throwing you away. I’m telling you that we can’t see each other anymore. Calmly.”

  That annoys me even more. How can he be so calm while dumping me? Was he just pretending he cared about me?

  “Just to be clear, you’re choosing Joel over me?” I ask him. “Is that it?”

  Ryker clasps his hand between his knees. “Joel is more than my best friend. He’s like a brother to me.”

  And I’m nothing. I don’t mean anything to him.

  “Wow.” I shake my head in disbelief. “I guess you never cared about me, huh?”

  Annoyance flickers in his eyes. “That’s not…”

  “You’re a coward, Ryker Hawthorne.” I point a finger at him. “A despicable coward. You haven’t even tried telling my brother about us and you’re already running away with your tail between your legs.”

  Ryker shakes his head. “I’m not going to tell him because I’m not going to betray his trust.”

  “But you’ve already done that. You’ve already had sex with me. What if he finds out, hmm? What if I tell him?”

  His eyes grow wide with worry.

  “He’ll find out what happened between us and your friendship will be in deep shit anyway. And guess what? When that happens, I’m not going to be there. You’ll have no one.”

  Ryker says nothing. He looks away and touches the nape of his neck as he lowers his head.

  I shake mine. “You’re a coward, Ryker. You don’t even have the guts to find what you want to do with your life, to forge your own path. You live your life according to what other people say. You joined your father’s company. You work for your brother. You dumped the woman you care about for your best friend. So guess what? I don’t need someone like you. I don’t want someone like you.”

  Still, Ryker says nothing.

  What? Isn’t he going to argue that he isn’t a coward? Isn’t he going to defend himself? Isn’t he going to tell me he wants me?

  Nothing.

  I swallow the lump in my throat. “I was right. You are a disappointment.”

  I turn on my heel and walk towards the door before I fall apart, before the tears start falling. I’m about to touch the doorknob when Ryker speaks.

  “Claire?”

  I stop but don’t look over my shoulder. “What?”

  “Are you going to tell Joel… about us?”

  That’s what he’s going to ask? Of all the things he could say, that’s what he chose to say?

  Great. I really am getting dumped for my brother.

  “No,” I answer.

  I could, but that wouldn’t make anything better. It wouldn’t make him mine.

  “That’s between the two of you.” I glance back at him. “I hope the two of you have a good life.”

  I open the door, step out and slam it shut.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Ryker

  I shut the lid of my laptop and rub my temples.

  Once again, I find myself stumped at work very early in the day. And once again, it’s because of Claire.

  I thought I’d finally be rid of guilt now that I’ve made my decision to stop seeing Claire. I know I made a mistake, but what’s done is done. It’s in the past now, which is why I’ve made up my mind not to tell Joel about it. Telling him about it won’t make it go away or make it better. In fact, things will only get worse. Right now, there’s no harm done to Joel. I owe it to him to keep it that way.

  But I still feel guilty. And not just guilty. I feel frustrated and angry with myself. I feel like the disappointment Claire said I was.

  And I miss her. It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours since I last saw her. It hasn’t been forty-eight since we last had sex. And I already miss her.

  I lean back against my chair and slap my forehead.

  What have I done?

  “You look like shit,” Asher tells me as he steps inside my office.

  I send him a frown. “Didn’t anyone teach you to knock?”

  “Miller told me to.” He sits in front of my desk. “But I wanted to sneak a peek and see if maybe you and Claire were doing something naughty in your office.”

  “You mean like what you and Violet do in your office?”

  Asher holds a finger to his lips.

  Right. Like he wants to keep it secret. What’s the point? Everyone in this building knows about it anyway. It doesn’t matter how many times Ethan told him not to do it. He still does it.

  I wouldn’t. I guess that’s what makes him different from me. But that doesn’t mean I’m a coward, does it?

  Asher taps his fingers on my desk. “What’s with the long face?”

  I sigh.

  “Wait. You told Joel, didn’t you? But that’s strange.” He strokes his chin as he stares at my face. “You don’t look like anyone punched you. Did you punch him?”

  “No,” I answer. “And no, I didn’t tell him. And I’m not going to.”

  “Oh.” Asher nods slowly. “What? You and Claire are just going to keep secretly having hot sex?”

  I really regret telling him about the sex now.

  “No, we’re not. In fact, Claire and I aren’t going to be seeing each other anymore.”

  Asher gives me a puzzled look. “She dumped you?”

  I don’t answer, so he comes up with another theory.

  “You dumped her.”

  This time he’s right. I nod.

  His eyebrows remain furrowed. “You chose the guy best friend over the hot sister you’re having sex with? Ryker, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

  Great. He thinks I made the wrong decision, too. Now I’m really starting to wonder if maybe I did.

  “Joel is my best friend,” I say. “I’m his best man. That’s not something I want to throw away.”

  “Didn’t Ethan say you and Joel could still be best friends?”

  “Could. But he could very well never talk to me again.”

  “Then that’s on him. That’s his loss.” Asher leans forward. “Let me tell you something, little brother. You don’t lose people. If someone wants to stay with you, no matter how hard you try to push them away, they will and there’s nothing you can do about it. And if they want to leave, there’s nothing you can do about that either. There’s nothing you can do to make them stay. So you can’t lose people. Not unless they die. You can’t lose Joel, not unless he himself decides to cut ties with you.”

  “Which is exactly what I’m afraid of.”

  “If he does that, then he’s not worth keeping,” Asher tells me.

  “But he is. He’s a friend worth keeping. He’s my best friend.”

  “Not if he doesn’t want to keep you. Not if he doesn’t want you to be happy.”

  I say nothing. Most of the time, Asher just teases me and jokes around, but right now, I can tell he’s genuinely concerned about me. And I have to say he’s making complete sense.

  “Ryker, if Joel is your best friend, he’ll want you to be happy.”

  He did say that.

  “He wouldn’t want you to be alone for the rest of your life. If he does, screw him. Do you want to be alone?”

  No. I don’t.

  “Joel is going to be happily married and he’s going to have kids and he won’t have time to hang out with you, just like Ethan won’t have time to hang out with us, and then you’ll be alone. Is that what you want?”

  “No,” I say it out loud this time.

  Asher draws a breath. “Then why did you dump Claire?”

  I don’t answer. This time, I don’t know the answer. I thought I did, but I don’t anymore. I only know that I made a mistake.

  Asher stands up and walks around my desk to squeeze my shoulder.

  “Go get her back before it’s too late.”

  “It may already be too late,” I reply. “Claire thinks I’m a disappointment and a coward, and maybe she’s right.”

  “No, you’re not. You’re a Hawthorne.” He pats my back. “Now, go prove it to her.”

  If only it were that easy.

  Asher walks to the door but glances over his shoulder on his way out.

  “You owe me a drink. But don’t bother if you don’t get Claire back. I don’t drink with cowards and disappointments.”

  I frown. So now he’s saying I’m a coward and a disappointment? I thought he said I wasn’t.

  He walks out the door. I rest my elbows on my desk and let out a sigh.

  I guess I have some proving myself to do.

  Suddenly, I hear a knock on the door.

  I lift my head. “Yes?”

  I expected Miller, but to my surprise, Asher comes back in. He grins.

  “I knocked this time.”

  Fine. “What do you want?”

  “The reason I came to your office was because I wanted to tell you that last year, you donated roughly 90 million dollars to charity.”

  My eyebrows arch. “Really?”

  “Well, not you. The company. But you’re the one who went to all those fundraisers, so I thought you should know just in case you haven’t been keeping track.”

  I nod. “Thanks.”

  That makes me feel a little better, knowing that I’ve been helping make the world a better place. Well, it’s not me, exactly. Like Asher said, it’s the company’s money. But I did pick some of those charities myself, and I made the effort to go to them to make the donation.

  I smile. Yup. It feels nice.

  “You could have donated more, though,” Asher tells me. “You could have donated up to 150 million.”

  My smile vanishes. I could have spent 60 million dollars more to help other people? Why didn’t I?

  I know it’s not my fault. It’s not my job to seek out charities or screen them. I’m the VP of Acquisitions, not the Director of Philanthropy. I only went to those fundraisers because Ethan thinks it’s better if a Hawthorne does the donating and I happen to be the Hawthorne who likes giving away money the most. Still, I can’t help but feel guilty.

  Why is it that guilt seems to be hounding me lately?

  “Anyway, that’s all I came to say,” Asher says before disappearing out the door.

  Again, I sigh. Asher sure has left me a lot to think about.

  And I can’t stop thinking about any of it—not about the donations, even though that’s not my problem, or about Claire. Her words resound in my head.

  You’re a coward. You’re a disappointment.

  Then there’s Asher’s words.

  No, you’re not. You’re a Hawthorne. Go and prove it.

  I tap my fingers on my desk as I rack my brains for a way to do that. Then suddenly, an idea hits me, one that puts a huge smile on my face and sends my chest buzzing.

  I think I know what I have to do, what I want to do.

  And I want Claire to be the first to know.

  ~

  “What are you doing here?” Claire folds her arms under her breasts and sticks out her chin as she stands in the doorway of her apartment.