Ash jumped to his feet. “What?” His hands balled into fists, and he felt his vision sharpen, his fangs threatening to elongate. He had to get a grip.

  “Sit down,” Maddock ordered quietly.

  “How could you not know? You’re a fucking THIRDS agent. Dex was fucking HPF.”

  A host of emotions flashed through Maddock’s eyes, and Ash backed off. It wasn’t his intention to give his sergeant such a hard time over something that had pained his family so deeply, but Ash was finding it difficult to swallow all this. He couldn’t get past someone hurting Cael and getting away with it. Reluctantly, he forced himself to sit.

  “Cael was already training to be a THIRDS agent. He’d graduated top of his class. He’s smart. He grew up in a cop house. Which meant he knew what we’d look for, knew how to conceal the evidence. What to do, what to say. Cael really believed Fuller was helping him be stronger, tougher. We tried to get him away from Fuller, but he was blinded by what he believed Fuller felt for him. The way the guy got into his head, twisted everything Cael thought about himself, about us? It still makes me sick thinking about it.”

  Ash was forced to close his eyes. He hung his head in an attempt to gather his thoughts and keep calm. He couldn’t think about Fuller, couldn’t think about Cael bruised and in pain at the hands of someone who was a worthless piece of shit. Compartmentalize. That’s what he had to do, what he’d been doing all his life. There was a reason Maddock was telling him all this. His eyes flew open, and his head shot up.

  “You think I’d harm Cael?” He couldn’t help the hurt in his voice. “Because if you’re telling me that after twenty years of knowing me you think I’m capable of laying a hand on Cael to hurt him, then you can have my badge right now.”

  “Relax. I know you wouldn’t, and I’m not comparing you to Fuller. Like I said, you’re a good guy, whereas Fuller thought he was. I needed you to know because you’re not the only one battling demons. Cael just has a different way of dealing with them. The last thing he needs is someone adding to that pain. It took years for Cael to undo some of the damage Fuller had caused, and even now he’s still healing. Some wounds may never heal. I’m telling you because even if you sort out all your shit, you need to know it won’t be easy with him. He puts on a brave front a good deal of the time. Like Dex, he’s an expert at evasive tactics. If he doesn’t want you to see or know something, he will do what it takes to keep you out of the loop, and that’s dangerous for everyone. There’s still a lot you don’t know about Cael. Believe me.”

  Ash frowned. “I know everything about Cael.” Didn’t he?

  “Oh? So you know about the panic attacks?”

  “What panic attacks?” Damn. Ash sighed. “No.” In the five years he’d known Cael, not once had he seen Cael experience a panic attack. He’d had moments of panic but had never suffered a panic attack. Was it possible he had at some point and had kept it hidden from Ash? How much had Cael kept secret from him? How much of himself had Cael held back?

  “It’s been years since he’s had them, but he used to get them all the time when he was with Fuller. Really bad ones. I thought you should know so you can be prepared.”

  “Thanks.” A part of him wished he hadn’t been told any of this. He hated not having been around to protect Cael. But then he could hardly look out for someone he hadn’t met yet. He could protect Cael now, and he had every intention of doing so. Maddock sat pensively.

  “What happened to Fuller? Please tell me he’s not still with the THIRDS.” The guy definitely wasn’t Unit Alpha, or Ash would have recognized the name. He’d never heard it before now. The THIRDS wouldn’t keep a guy like Fuller around.

  Maddock shook his head. “He didn’t last very long. Failed one of his psych evals due to violent tendencies and unresponsiveness where empathy was required. Ironically, it was during a Therian domestic violence scenario. Must have hit too close to home, and I’m guessing he couldn’t fake his way through it. Especially since by this point, Cael had pressed charges.

  “It was after Fuller put Cael in the hospital with a broken arm and a concussion. That wasn’t what got him to press charges, though. It was seeing Dex tackled to the floor by me and four of my agents when Fuller had the fucking nerve to show up at the hospital. If we hadn’t restrained Dex, who the hell knows what he would’ve done to Fuller. My guys got Fuller the hell out, and Cael managed to calm Dex down. Cael realized if he didn’t do something, his big brother would, and the end result would most likely be Dex throwing his career and maybe even his life away, all to protect him from Fuller. Cael wouldn’t let that happen. Fuller was charged with assault and battery. He failed his eval, was let go from the THIRDS, convicted of third-degree assault, and sentenced to a year in a Therian prison. That was years ago. Last I heard he was working construction in Carson City somewhere.”

  “Good fucking riddance.” Ash took a sip of his drink. Though he would have preferred it if the guy had driven off a fucking cliff, he took comfort the guy had been sent to a Therian prison, or the Zoo, as some Therians referred to it. Locked away with the rest of the fucking animals. Maybe it was time to check up on Fuller and make sure his ass was still in Carson City.

  They sat in silence, each lost in his own thoughts when Maddock broke through the quiet. “Son, do you want to be with him?”

  Ash nodded and tried to swallow past the lump in his throat from having Maddock call him son. Not even his own father had called him that. He’d called him a host of names but never that. Maddock had always been good to him, but did he really want his sergeant to know the truth? Sloane was the only one who knew about his past. What would Maddock think of him? Ash had never been very good with authority, which was ironic considering where he’d ended up. Respect was something to be earned. Anthony Maddock had gained it from day one. Even when they butted heads, Ash respected Maddock and strived to make him proud.

  “So what’s the problem? Or is it none of my business?”

  “It’s personal,” Ash replied quietly.

  “Does it have to do with why you’re so hung up on the whole gay thing? No one cares about that anymore. And you’re both Therian, so you won’t get the same level of shit Sloane and Dex will get once their relationship is out there.” His frown deepened. “There’s a lot of stupid in this world. I hope those two are ready for it.”

  “They can handle themselves. And I know no one will care that Cael’s a guy. You’re not the first to tell me that, believe me. The problem is I care, because the last time I gave into what I felt for a guy, my brother got killed.”

  Maddock cursed under his breath. “Jesus, Ash. Why the hell didn’t I know you had a brother?”

  “When Shultzon registered me, he made sure to keep certain personal information out of our files. I had a twin brother. Arlo. He was killed during the riots. We were just kids.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that. Can I ask what happened?”

  “I fucked up, and Arlo paid the price. I was supposed to have been there the day he was killed, but I wasn’t. I was with this boy I had a crush on. I sent Arlo home on his own, and he was killed.”

  “I’m sorry for your loss, but how do you know you wouldn’t have been killed along with him if you’d gone home together?”

  Ash grimaced. “Now you sound like Sloane.”

  “I would listen to him. He’s a smart guy. Whatever happened that day, no matter how tragic, isn’t your fault.”

  His parents hadn’t thought so. They’d blamed him for Arlo’s death. He remembered that day clearly. He’d wanted to die. To be with Arlo and away from his parents, who hated him, from all the horrible things his father said to him, from the pain his father inflicted on him. Then Ash had shifted, and his world officially went to hell.

  “Either way, that fucked me up, Sarge. I’ve tried to move on from it, but the thought of what I did, of how I wasn’t there to protect Arlo, it’s been eating away at me year after year after year. When I think of being with Cael, I think about how giving in to what I felt all those years ago brought nothing but pain and heartache. It destroyed my family. When I’m out with the team, with Cael, I tell myself no one knows what I’m really feeling or thinking. They don’t. Yet it feels like they do, like they’re judging me, condemning me. How can I be the man Cael deserves when the thought of holding his hand in public scares the ever-living shit out of me?” How was it he could compartmentalize everything else in his life, but when it came to Cael, everything was a jumbled mess?

  “Have you talked to Cael about this?”

  “No.” Ash frowned down at his fingers on the table. “I told him we’d sit down and talk, and we will. I need to figure things out.”

  “You do that.” Maddock reached out and patted his arm before sliding out of the booth, taking Old Betsy with him. “Talk to each other. Let him help you. If you really care about him the way you say you do, then let him help you. Sometimes, no matter our strength, we need someone we care about to lean on, and that’s okay.” With that, Maddock headed for the stairs, but not before calling out over his shoulder. “Tell Sloane I expect you both over for Christmas dinner as well.”

  Ash turned in his seat. “You want us to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with you?” After everything he’d just told him?

  “Is that a problem?”

  “No. Not at all.”

  “Well, all right then.”

  Maddock disappeared through the doorway, and Ash sat there for a moment. He couldn’t believe he’d opened up like that to his sergeant. Now that he had, he was glad he’d done it. Besides, Maddock deserved the truth, especially since it concerned Cael. Ash still had no clue what he was going to do, but Maddock was right. He needed to talk to Cael. Soon.

  Ash headed back downstairs. Thankfully the music playing from the sound system wasn’t Dex’s annoying ’80s playlist, but a mix of classic rock and modern music. It was loud enough to enjoy but low enough everyone could talk to each other without having to shout, which Ash hated. It’s why he rarely went to clubs. The music was so damned loud in those places he could barely hear himself think. And despite what most people believed, he did think. Too much at times. He dropped himself into a chair at the table next to Sloane. Dex sat across Sloane’s lap, and the two were so lost in each other, they hadn’t even noticed him. Ash didn’t interrupt. Instead he watched them, envious of the easy way his best friend smiled and laughed with his boyfriend. His love shone through his eyes, and there was no hesitation when he kissed Dex. No second thought. It was natural. An extension of himself. He was in love with the man in his arms and unafraid of who knew or who saw. Granted, there was only their team in the bar, but had the place been filled to the brim with people, Sloane still wouldn’t have hesitated. His best friend’s only worry regarding his relationship with his partner was the job. Ash couldn’t see himself being so at ease out in the open with Cael.

  Kiss. Ash turned away from Sloane and Dex as the memory of Cael kissing him entered his mind. He’d tried his hardest not to think about it, but it had been one of the most amazing experiences of his life. Cael had tasted sweet and warm. Despite the state they’d both been in, Ash had caught a whiff of Cael’s intoxicating scent. Holding Cael in his arms… He hadn’t wanted to let go. He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it since either.

  “Hey, big guy. You okay?”

  Ash blinked, his attention moving to Cael, who was watching him worriedly. Damn. He’d been so lost in thought he hadn’t noticed Cael arrive.

  “Yeah, I’m fine.”

  “I’m so sorry about my dad.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” Ash said with a warm smile. “Really, we just talked.”

  “I can’t believe he totally freaked out like that.” Cael lowered himself onto the seat beside him, his crutch to one side.

  “I can. He’s a good man. You’re very lucky.”

  “I know. But sometimes he can be a little overprotective.”

  Ash smiled and gave Cael’s jaw a playful nudge. “It’s hard not to be when it comes to you.”

  Cael’s cheeks flushed that wonderful pink Ash loved so much. How could anyone hurt someone so warm and kind? The thought of that filth Don Fuller laying a hand on Cael had his blood boiling. He needed to calm down before he gave himself away. At some point he would tell Cael he knew about Fuller, but now was not the time.

  “We’re heading home,” Sloane announced, sucking in a sharp breath as Dex helped him to his feet. “I hate to say it, but I could use a nap.”

  “Showing your old age, huh?” Ash teased.

  “Fuck off,” Sloane said, laughing. “We’re the same age.”

  “Yeah, but I’m younger at heart.”

  Sloane scooped up a cheese cube from the table and threw it at him. “Ass.”

  His best friend still had some recovery to do after nearly losing his life to the explosion outside Dex’s house. The car bomb had been planted in Ash’s car by the same bastard who’d tried to kill him once before. Sloane had insisted Ash not feel guilty about it, but how could he not? The bomb had been in his car. It had been meant for him. What if he’d lost Sloane? A hand came to rest on his arm, and he smiled down at Cael. It’s like the guy could sense when he needed to be pulled out of his thoughts. He gave Cael a wink and turned back to Sloane.

  “Call if you need anything,” Ash said.

  “Thanks.” The two started for the door when Dex narrowed his eyes at him. “Just remember what I said. Alaska.”

  “I’m quaking in my boots,” Ash drawled, turning back to Cael after Sloane and Dex had said their good-byes to everyone and left. Maddock was gone, and everyone else sat at the bar chatting and laughing as Bradley attempted to show Lou how to twirl a bottle in his hand without dropping it.

  Cael prodded Ash’s bicep. “Alaska? What’s in Alaska?”

  “Nothing. Your brother’s being an asshat. As usual.” Dex had threatened to annoy the ever-living fuck out of Ash if he hurt his baby brother, stating he’d drive Ash so crazy he’d end up asking for a transfer to Alaska. Like Ash wasn’t already used to Dex annoying the fuck out of him.

  “Oh.” Cael let out a yawn and laid his head against Ash’s shoulder. It was an innocent gesture. One Cael had done countless times. Usually Ash would rest his head against Cael’s in return. Now he felt self-conscious. Like maybe everyone around him would know how he felt. He cleared his throat and gently moved away to stand.

  “I’m gonna head home.”

  Cael stood and took hold of his crutch. “Want to share a cab?”

  “Sure.”

  “Aw, you guys are leaving already?” Letty came skipping over and poked Ash in his side. She was clearly tipsy, though God only knew how many drinks she’d had. The woman could drink a Therian under the table. So could Calvin, for that matter. Pretty impressive considering they were the smaller of their Human teammates. Letty poked him again, and he gave her a playful shove away from him.

  “Yeah, those of us on meds drinking nothing but juice have better places to be.” On the third poke, he threw an arm around her neck and pulled her against him. “Is there a breeze in here? I swear I feel something tickling my side.”

  Letty laughed and punched him in the ribs before pushing him away. “Cabrón. Get lost, then.”

  Rosa came over and kissed Cael’s cheek. “Rest up, gatito. Call me if you need me.”

  “He’ll be fine,” Letty said, watching Ash intently. “Ash will take good care of him.”

  “Speaking of. Are you two dating?” Rosa asked, looking from one to the other.

  Cael opened his mouth, and Ash cut him off. “No.”

  Letty cocked her head to one side but didn’t respond. His partner knew him well. She planned on accosting him later. Rosa was more persistent. “Then what the hell was Maddock going on about when he stormed in here?”

  “It was a misunderstanding. Mind your own business,” he growled, snatching his coat off the back of his chair.

  “Fine. Jesus.” Rosa waved them off and headed back to the bar. Ash said his good-byes to the rest of them, helped Cael into his coat, and then out of the bar. It was a chilly November evening, and Ash called for a cab. Cael was quiet at his side.

  “Sorry about that back there. I don’t want to stick a label on anything before we talk.”

  “I get it.” Cael tried to straighten out the scarf around his neck while still holding on to his crutch. “Don’t worry about it.”

  “Thank you for being so patient with me. I know I don’t deserve it.” Ash turned to face him and gently took hold of the scarf he’d given Cael earlier in the evening. It looked better on him anyway. The silver and dark grays brought out his eyes. Ash had fallen deep into those amazing silvery eyes from day one. “I’m sorry for pushing you away.” He paused, his hand coming to rest against Cael’s neck. His skin was warm and soft.

  “It’s okay, Ash.” Cael leaned into Ash’s touch, a shy smile on his handsome face. “We’ll work it out.”

  “Yeah.” Ash smiled when the cab appeared. He pulled away and opened the back door, then motioned for Cael to get in first, taking hold of his crutch for him. It was awkward with his leg, but Cael managed it, though Ash could have done without seeing Cael’s ass in the air when he opted for crawling across the seat. Lord, give me strength. He passed Cael his crutch and climbed in next to him, doing his best to ignore how Cael put the crutch beside the window so he could sit closer to Ash. As a large Therian, there typically wasn’t a whole lot of room for him in the back of these old New York cabs. His head touched the ceiling, so he had to slump a bit.