“So, what did you and my dad talk about?” Cael asked after giving the cab driver his address.

  “You. He’s worried about you. About us.” He murmured the last part. Which was stupid. Like the cab driver gave a fuck. “He’s afraid I’ll hurt you, and he’s right to be.”

  “Don’t worry about him. He won’t bug you,” Cael said. “He knows you.”

  Ash wanted to point out that’s exactly why Maddock was worried, but he didn’t. Usually when they shared a cab, Ash would put his arm around Cael, and he hated that things felt different. He’d lived for those moments. The innocent touches that weren’t so innocent. They had become a sweet form of torture for him. Now that the possibility of more loomed on the horizon, he couldn’t shake his discomfort and self-consciousness. Their relationship had changed whether he liked it or not. They couldn’t go back to the way things were, but if they couldn’t move forward, where did it leave them?

  Thankfully, the cab pulled up to Cael’s brownstone, where he occupied the top floor apartment. It was spacious yet cozy, with a playful style befitting its owner. Ash told the cab driver to wait as he helped Cael climb out. He walked Cael to the front steps, careful neither of them slipped on any ice. Cael opened the front door and turned with a shy smile.

  “Do you want to come in? You could stay for dinner. We could hang out.”

  “I would, but I need to sort out some insurance paperwork on my car. I want to get the new one before we’re called back in.” That had to be the most pathetic excuse in the history of excuses.

  “Right. Sorry. Forgot about that.”

  Cael bit his bottom lip and leaned into Ash, who took a step back.

  “I need to go. I’ll call you later.”

  The disappointment on Cael’s face hit Ash hard. Please don’t let this be the start of a disturbing trend. He hated disappointing Cael. He hated hurting him even more. This wasn’t how he wanted things to go at all, but no matter how much he told himself to man up, he backed off like a goddamn coward. Cael simply nodded his understanding.

  “Have a good night, Ash.”

  There was no sweet smile, no hug, only Cael closing the door while Ash remained on the other side staring at the scuffed wood like an idiot. He lifted his fist to knock, then stopped himself. With a shake of his head at his own absurdity, he turned and descended the steps to the sidewalk and the idling cab parked at the curb. The whole way home, he stared numbly at the passing scenery from the backseat. Maddock expected him and Sloane to spend the holidays with him and his family. It sounded less and less like a good idea. Last year they’d all had a great time, but things had been simpler for everyone then. Dex and Sloane hadn’t been dating. He’d had fun with Cael like he always did, with no confusing emotions to muddy up the waters of their friendship.

  Dex and Sloane had finally reached a stable point in their relationship, even if his best friend had thrown him for a loop by stating he was moving in with Dex. Of course, that hadn’t surprised him as much as Sloane’s admission to having marked Dex. Sloane was a Therian, but Ash wondered if his best friend was aware of how serious a commitment he’d just made. Neither of them had much experience with a committed functional relationship until now. Ash was still trying to wrap his head around Sloane in love, much less being all domestic and shit. From what Ash gathered, Sloane actually liked it. He liked getting up before Dex and making them breakfast. They took turns cooking or ordered takeout, took turns washing the dishes and clearing up, even doing laundry. Did his friend enjoy it because it was what normal couples did? Because all their life they’d struggled with finding a little piece of normalcy in the chaos that spawned them? Ash cooked and did chores around the house, but he didn’t think of himself as domestic. He just liked taking care of his shit. Everything clean and in its place. But being told to take out the trash, wash the dishes, or pick up a gallon of milk on his way home? Ash didn’t like the sound of that. At least not until he thought of Cael, and then everything he thought he knew flew out the window.

  I am so fucked.

  TWO

  The cab pulled up outside Ash’s apartment building. He paid the driver and headed upstairs. His smartphone vibrated in his pocket and his heart skipped a beat when he saw it was from Cael. Jesus, what was happening to him? Cael texted him all the time, every day. Now he was going to feel like a damn virgin every time Cael texted him?

  “Fuck this shit.” Ash shoved his phone into his pocket and went inside. He closed his apartment door behind him, removed his shoes, and hung his coat up on the rack by the door. It was good to be home, even if a part of him wished he’d taken Cael up on his offer. By now they would have been huddled close together on the couch with Cael rambling on excitedly about the latest gadget. Cael was the only one who could talk tech to Ash without him wanting to shoot something. He padded across the hardwood floors to the kitchen to wash his hands. They were still a little sticky from when he’d spilled the soda at Dekatria. The thought had him clenching his jaw. Damn it, the last thing he needed was to get caught up in his anger at what he’d learned from Maddock.

  Fucking double-edged sword. He was glad he knew about Fuller, but he also hated it at the same time. There was nothing he could do with that information. He couldn’t kick Fuller’s ass. He couldn’t undo what had been done.

  Ash walked to his couch and dropped down onto it, just staring at the ceiling. “Fuck.” Then he remembered Cael’s text and removed his phone from his pocket. He tapped the screen to open it and smiled like a dope. There was an image of two cute little green dinosaurs, one bigger than the other, and they were hugging, a little red heart above their heads.

  Ash tossed his phone onto the couch cushion beside him and let his head fall back. Man, he was so screwed. He’d disappointed Cael. Again. They were supposed to be moving forward, not backward. Whose fault was that? His. As usual. His smartphone rang, and he considered not answering. The ringtone told him it was his partner. With a sigh, he scooped it up, tapped the screen, and held it to his ear.

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m coming over.”

  “Now’s not a good time,” he muttered. The doorbell rang, and he closed his eyes. “You’re outside the door, aren’t you?”

  “I am.”

  He hung up and went to his front door. Just what he didn’t need, a heart-to-heart with his partner. He should have known she’d have something up her sleeve when she’d stayed quiet after Rosa asked if he was dating Cael. Damn it, he really didn’t want to do this. He opened the door and glowered down at her.

  “Can we not do this now?”

  “Nope.” As expected, she ignored his displeasure and slipped past him into the apartment, where she proceeded to chuck off her boots and leave them by the door. With a growl, he closed the door and followed her into the kitchen.

  “Beer or wine?”

  “Beer,” Letty said, hopping up onto one of the chairs at the island counter.

  He grabbed two beers from the fridge along with the bowl of black olives. His partner loved these things as much as he did. Placing the bowl on the counter, he snatched one and popped it into his mouth before he used his shirt to twist the caps off their beers. He slid one across to her and took a long swig as he waited for her to say whatever it was she came here to say.

  “So, you and Cael.”

  “What about me and Cael?”

  “Is there a you and Cael?” She popped a couple of black olives into her mouth and arched an eyebrow at him.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Kind of hard not to know if you’re with someone. How long have you been into dudes?”

  Ash took another swig of his beer before replying. Maybe he needed to break out the hard stuff for this conversation. He could have sworn he had a bottle of vodka left from Dex’s birthday party. “I’m not. Never have been.”

  “Right. Last time I checked, Cael identified as a dude.”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “Of course it is. Because it’s you. You make everything complicated, Ash.”

  “Thanks. That really helps.” Not that she was wrong. After working almost ten years with someone, having their back, always in each other’s hair, you got to know them pretty well.

  “You’ve always been different with him. It’s sweet. So when did things change?”

  “Letty—”

  “No way. You’ve been twisted up inside for months. I’m your partner and your friend. None of this tough suffer-in-silence lion Therian bullshit. Talk to me, Keeler.”

  There was no way around it. She wouldn’t let up until she was satisfied. Unlike Rosa, who fussed over everyone on the team, Letty was more reserved, but she was a great shoulder to lean on and had this pain-in-the-ass way of seeing through him. Next to Sloane, she was also the only one who could get away with pushing his buttons without running the risk of a punch in the face. Maybe he wouldn’t punch Rosa, but he wasn’t against swiping her legs out from under her.

  “Fine. Nothing changed. It’s more like I couldn’t bury what I felt for him anymore. I’d pushed it down for so long. Since we met, basically. I convinced myself that I was lucky to have him as a friend. It got harder each year. Then all this shit happened with the Order and the Coalition. When Hogan took him…” The moment the words left his mouth, he regretted it. Shit. It was the first time the incident had been brought up. He took a gulp of his beer, feeling her intense gaze on him. She had this unsettling way of being able to get information out of him just by looking at him. There was no one who could outstare Letty.

  “What did happen with Collins? How’d he take your gun?”

  Ash had never minced words with his partner. He wasn’t going to start now. “I let him take it.”

  “Jesus, Ash.” Letty closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. “I don’t—Fuck it. Tell me.”

  Ash shrugged. “He was going to shoot Dex. I had to take him out.”

  “No. You wanted to take him out. Fuck.” Letty jumped off the chair and started pacing. “Do you realize what would happen if Sparks found out?” She spun toward him, her brown eyes blazing. “Damn it, Ash. What were you thinking?”

  “That I was doing what I had to do.”

  “No.” Letty jutted a finger at him. “You lost control.”

  Ash put his beer on the counter and confronted her. “Those sons of bitches tried to kill me and Sloane. They almost succeeded. You really think Hogan was going to let Cael walk out of there alive? What about Dex? That asshole Hogan was going to take down as many of us as he could. You think I don’t know about your little outburst in Dex’s office after Sparks pulled the team?”

  “Yeah, I got pissed and wanted to punch something. You snapped Collins’s neck!”

  “Collins knew what he was doing. He pulled a gun on an agent with the intent of killing him while surrounded by armed agents. Neither he nor Hogan had any intention of being taken in alive.”

  Letty folded her arms over her chest. She knew he was right. He could see it in her eyes. Of all his Human teammates, Letty had the most explosive temper. She was sweet and kind, but when something pissed her off, she was a blazing inferno that felt no remorse for the fuckwit who’d earned her wrath. Ash had always admired her and her mettle. She was living proof that big things came in small, explosive packages. Right now her anger stemmed from Ash doing something that could potentially end his career.

  “It doesn’t change what you did.”

  Arguing with Letty would get him nowhere. He’d learned that a long time ago. So he approached from a different angle. “Let me ask you something. Have you ever loved someone so much you would die for them? Without hesitation or a second thought?”

  “I—” She sighed and deflated. It didn’t last long. “And what about the next time Cael’s life is threatened? You can’t just go around snapping perps’ necks, Ash.”

  Like he wasn’t aware. Ash ran a hand over his hair and motioned to the couch. They took their beers and sat down. Letty sat facing him, pulled her feet up, and leaned against the backrest, waiting for his reply.

  “I don’t know. I haven’t given much thought to what happened. I kind of have a lot on my plate right now. Maddock’s worried I’ll hurt Cael.”

  Letty scoffed. “I love the sarge, but he’s not always right, despite believing otherwise.”

  Ash smiled. “Listen to you, defending my honor and shit.”

  “Fuck off. Seriously. The way you treat Cael? Shit. I wish a guy would put me on a pedestal the way you do with him. You’ve taken a bullet for him.”

  “Yeah, and I’ve broken his heart time and time again. I’ve been too much of a coward to step up and be what he needs me to be.”

  “Ash Keeler is not a coward. I should know. You’ve had my back for years. A lot of the other guys in Defense would have given me shit for being a woman. Not you. From the beginning, you supported me. You never tried to prove you were better than me or more skilled. You stood up to anyone who had shit to say about me.”

  Ash frowned. “That’s because you’re fucking scary.”

  “Shut up.” Letty laughed, then sobered up. “Ash, you’ve had a string of one-night stands and casual hookups. This is the first time you’ve been in love. Why are you holding back? Why is Cael being a guy such a problem?”

  “I don’t want it to be a problem, Letty. You think I don’t want to throw myself into this? Into being with him and say fuck everyone? When I’m with him, all I want to do is touch him. When I’m not with him, all I do is think about him. I fucking dream of him. I want him so bad it’s killing me, but whenever I’m faced with him, my brain panics and pulls away. It’s a vicious cycle.” He sighed and put his beer down on the coaster on his coffee table.

  “So what are you going to do?”

  “Find a way to sort my shit out. See a therapist, I don’t know. But I have to do something. We can’t keep going like this. He deserves better.”

  “So do you,” she said gently.

  “You really think that, don’t you?”

  “You bet that grumpy ass I do.”

  “Thanks.”

  Not one to get too mushy, she swiftly moved on to something else. “I gotta go. I’m meeting Rosa and Lou for Christmas shopping at the mall. Want to come?”

  Ash arched an eyebrow at her. “I hope you’re kidding.”

  Letty jumped off the couch with a very indelicate snort. “Duh, but it was worth it to see the look on your face.”

  “Sadist.”

  She let out an evil cackle on the way to the kitchen, where she dropped her empty beer bottle into the recycling bin before heading for the front door. She tugged her boots on and threw him a kiss. “Be good. Love you.”

  “Get lost,” he grumbled, holding back a smile. “And make sure Rosa doesn’t get me any more fucking candles. There ain’t enough candles in the world to make me get in touch with my gentler side, so she can fuck off.”

  “You know she does it to piss you off. What do you do with them?”

  Ash shrugged. “I usually give them to Cael. He likes that sort of thing.”

  “And the ones you don’t give to Cael?” she asked with a knowing smile.

  “Why are you interrogating me?”

  She laughed and waved good-bye, the door closing behind her. It was still pretty early. Maybe he’d take a nap and later order some takeout. He really didn’t feel like cooking. His smartphone rang, and he straightened. Shit, it was Dex. There was only one reason Dex would be calling him. Something had happened with either Sloane or Cael. He quickly answered.

  “Dex?”

  “Ash, it happened again.” Dex’s voice was shaky, and he sounded out of breath.

  The hairs on the back of Ash’s neck stood on end. “What happened?”

  “Sloane… he lost control again.”

  “Are you safe?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay, I’m on my way.” Ash hung up and dashed to the front door, where he pulled on his boots and grabbed his coat off the rack. Shit. This couldn’t be good. He locked up quickly and called for a cab to hurry the hell over. The company he used knew who he was. They’d send someone over in no time. As he took the stairs, he wondered what the hell was going on with his best friend. This had never happened before, and now it had happened twice. There was no reason it should be happening at all.

  The only Therians susceptible to losing control of their shifting were adolescents, but the government had taken care of that a long time ago, developing a drug to help the hormone imbalance, which they provided free to parents of young Therians. The first time Sloane lost control had been after having an argument with Dex. No argument, no matter how big, should’ve caused Sloane’s loss of control. Something was going on. When he got to the street, his cab was already waiting. He climbed into the back and gave the driver Dex’s address, telling him it was an emergency.

  Was it because Sloane was on Therian medication? Sloane was hardly the first Therian to be on meds. If there was a problem, it would have been all over the news, with mass breakouts of shifting. In less than ten minutes he was at Dex’s front door, using his key to let himself in.

  “Dex! Dex, where are you!”

  “Upstairs. It’s okay.”

  Ash took the stairs two at a time and ran into the bedroom, stopping when he saw Dex sitting in the middle of the large bed with Sloane passed out, his head on Dex’s lap. Both were wrapped in white blankets from the waist down. Dex’s eyes were red, and Ash could tell he was trying hard to keep it together. Dex gently stroked Sloane’s hair, his lips pressed into a thin line. Beside Dex on the bed was a Therian jet injector.

  “He’s tranqed?”

  Dex nodded. He picked up the jet injector and stared down at it. “I tranqed him. I put this thing against his neck, and I shot him.”

  Tears welled in his eyes, and Ash’s heart went out to him. Tranquilizing feral Therian perpetrators was one thing. They’d trained for it, learned to detach themselves from the disturbing reality of taking citizens down like animals. But to have to tranquilize your Therian lover? Ash wished he was better at comforting or at least coming up with comforting words. Instead he gently took the injector from Dex’s hands. He placed it inside the nightstand’s open drawer.