And Uncle ushered me out onto the terrace just as Foma was entering the room. But I confess that I did not go away. I decided to stay on the terrace, where it was very dark and consequently difficult to see me from inside the room. I decided to eavesdrop.

  I am not trying to exonerate myself, but I will say without hesitation that the half hour I spent on the terrace, struggling to hold down my temper, was an act of high martyrdom. From where I stood I could not only hear, I could see everything through the French window. Now picture Foma Fomich summoned to appear under threat of physical force if he refused.

  ‘Have my ears deceived me, Colonel?’ he whined as he entered the room. ‘Have I been informed correctly?’

  ‘You have, you have, Foma, calm down,’ Uncle replied bravely. ‘Sit down. Let’s talk it over seriously, in a friendly, brotherly fashion. Sit down, Foma.’

  Foma Fomich gravely settled into an armchair. Uncle continued to pace up and down the room in quick, uneven steps, evidently uncertain where to begin.

  ‘Yes, in a brotherly fashion,’ he repeated. ‘You’ll understand me, Foma, you’re no child; neither am I — in short, we’re both advanced in years … Hm! Look here, Foma, we haven’t been seeing eye to eye on certain points … Yes, that’s right, on certain points, and so, Foma, old fellow, wouldn’t it be better for us to part? I’m sure you’re a gentleman and would wish me only the best, and so … But what’s the use of talking! Foma, I’m your friend till the end of time — I swear to it by all the Christian saints! Here is fifteen thousand rubles in silver: that’s all I’ve got, my friend; all I’ve been able to scrape together at my family’s expense. Take it, don’t be afraid! I must, it’s my duty to provide for you! Most of it is in securities and a little bit of cash. Don’t hesitate! You owe me nothing because I’ll never be in a position to repay all you’ve done for me. Yes, yes, indeed, this is what I feel, even though our views don’t coincide on the main issue at the moment. Tomorrow or the day after … or whenever it suits you … we must part. Why don’t you move into town, Foma? It’s only about ten versts from here. Behind the church, the first turning you come to, there’s a beautiful little house with green shutters belonging to the priest’s widow; it could have been built specially for you. She’ll sell it. I’ll buy it for you on top of what I’m giving you now. You’ll be practically next door to us. You can study literature, science: your fame will spread … All the civil servants there are gentlemanly, friendly, unselfish people; the parish priest is a scholar. At holiday time you’ll be coming to visit us — what a life it’ll be, a real paradise! Do you agree, or not?’

  ‘So these are the conditions on which Foma is being dispatched!’ I thought. ‘Uncle didn’t say anything to me about money.’

  For a long time there was total silence. Foma was sitting in the armchair thunderstruck, staring hard at my uncle, who was evidently becoming disconcerted by the silence and such a gaze.

  ‘Money!’ Foma uttered at last in an affectedly feeble tone, ‘where is it, where is this money? Give it to me, hand it to me quickly.’

  ‘Here it is, Foma: my last scrapings, fifteen exactly, that’s all I have. There are some credit notes and securities — you’ll see for yourself … here!’

  ‘Gavrila! you take this money,’ Foma said gently, ‘it may come in handy to you, old man. — No!’ he suddenly yelled in an unusually high voice, leaping to his feet. ‘No! Give it to me first, this money, Gavrila! Give it to me! Give it to me! Give me these millions to trample underfoot, give them to me to tear up, spit on, scatter about, vilify and desecrate! … I, I am being offered money! I’m being bribed to leave this house! Do my ears deceive me? Have I lived to witness this final degradation? Here, here they are, your millions! Look: there, there, there and there! This is how Foma Opiskin conducts himself, in case you didn’t know, Colonel!’

  And Foma scattered the bundle of money all over the room. Strangely enough, he neither tore nor spat on a single note as he had boasted, but only crumpled them, and even so, none too severely. Gavrila rushed to pick them up and later, and after Foma had departed, carefully handed them back to his master.

  Foma’s response produced a shattering impression upon my uncle. It was his turn now to stand stock-still, dumbfounded and open-mouthed. Meanwhile Foma settled back in his chair, panting as though in extreme agitation.

  ‘You’re a peerless fellow, Foma!’ Uncle exclaimed, having finally come to, ‘You’re the noblest of men!’

  ‘That I know,’ Foma replied in a weak voice, but with enormous dignity.

  ‘Foma, forgive me! I’m a scoundrel compared with you, Foma!’

  ‘Yes, compared with me,’ Foma agreed.

  ‘Foma! It’s not your nobility that astounds me,’ Uncle continued rapturously, ‘but rather that I could have been so uncouth, blind and mean as to offer you money under such circumstances! But Foma, you were mistaken in one respect: I never intended to bribe you, I wasn’t paying you off to leave the house; I merely wanted you to have some money so that you wouldn’t be destitute when you left me. I swear it! On my knees, on my bended knees I’m ready to ask your forgiveness, Foma, and if you wish, I’ll kneel down before you now … you only have to say the word …’

  ‘I don’t need your bended knees, Colonel!’

  ‘My God! Just think, Foma: I was worked up, flabbergasted, I was beside myself … But speak, tell me, how can I make up for this offence? Instruct me, guide me …’

  ‘No need, no need, Colonel! And rest assured that tomorrow I shall be shaking the dust off my feet outside this house.’

  And Foma began to rise from his chair. Much alarmed, Uncle rushed forward in an attempt to make him sit down again.

  ‘No, Foma, you’re not going anywhere, I assure you!’ Uncle shouted. ‘No need to talk of dust or feet, Foma! You’re not to stir from here, or I shall follow you to the ends of the earth, I won’t leave you until you forgive me … I swear, Foma, that’s what I’ll do!’

  ‘Forgive you? You are guilty?’ Foma said. ‘But I wonder if you have any idea at all of the extent of your guilt? Do you realize that you are guilty before me now by the very fact of offering me a crust of bread in your house? Do you realize that in a matter of seconds you have now poisoned all previous crusts of which I have partaken in your house? You made me feel beholden for every morsel, for every mouthful of bread that I had already eaten here; you have demonstrated to me that I was a slave in your house, a lackey, a duster for your patent leather boots! When in the purity of my heart I fondly imagined that I was a friend and brother under your roof! Didn’t you yourself, you with your serpent’s tongue, assure me thousands of times of this friendship and brotherhood? Why then did you secretly weave the noose in which I have now been caught like a damned fool? Why under cover of darkness did you dig a pit and push me into it? Why didn’t you strike me down at a blow, with this club? Why didn’t you wring my neck like a farmyard cockerel’s in the very beginning, because … well, because, for instance, it couldn’t lay eggs. Yes, that’s right! I stand by this comparison, Colonel, even though it has a provincial flavour about it and is reminiscent of the trivial tone of our contemporary literature. I stand by this comparison because it illustrates the absurdity of your charges; for I am no more guilty before you than this hypothetical cockerel might have been, offending his scatter-brained master by his inability to lay eggs! Now, Colonel! Whoever pays his friend or brother money — what for? What for, that’s the point? Saying: “Here, take it, my beloved brother, I owe it to you: you saved my life: so take these pieces of silver — Judas did — and clear out of my sight!” How naive! How brutally you have treated me! You thought I coveted your gold, when I cherished nothing but the purest thoughts for your well-being. Oh, how you have wounded my heart! You’ve played with my noblest feelings like a boy with his jacks! I’ve been anticipating this from the very beginning, Colonel — that’s why your hospitality has been sticking in my throat and throttling me all along! That’s why your eiderdowns have been crushing me — crushing me instead of giving me comfort! That’s why your sugar and sweets have turned to cayenne pepper in my mouth! No, Colonel! You live and thrive on your own, and let Foma plod his own weary way with a bag over his shoulder. So be it, Colonel!’

  ‘No, Foma, no! It won’t be so, it can’t be so!’ Uncle whined, feeling he had been utterly annihilated.

  ‘Yes, Colonel, yes! it has to be so and there is no other way. Tomorrow I shall leave you. You can scatter your millions, carpet my whole way with banknotes, every inch of the highway as far as Moscow itself — and I will proudly and disdainfully walk on your banknotes; this same foot, Colonel, will trample, crush and defile those banknotes, and Foma Opiskin shall live by the rectitude of his soul alone! I have spoken, and I have revealed my mind! Farewell, Colonel. Fare-well, Colonel! …’

  And Foma Fomich made another attempt to rise from his chair.

  ‘Forgive me, forgive me, Foma! and try to forget! …’ Uncle entreated.

  ‘“Forgive!” you say? But what use is my forgiveness to you? Well, supposing I do forgive you: I am a Christian; I can’t help forgiving; I’ve nearly done so already. Now tell me: would it not be violation of good sense and spiritual dignity for me to remain a minute longer in this house? And anyway — you have shown me the door!’

  ‘It wouldn’t be violation of anything, it wouldn’t, Foma! I assure you, it wouldn’t!’

  ‘Really? But how can we be equals from now on? Can you understand that I have, as it were, crushed you with my nobility of spirit, that you have indeed crushed yourself by your despicable behaviour? You have been crushed, and I have been exalted. So how can there be talk of equality? And how can there be friendship without equality? I say this with a bleeding heart and not, as you may perhaps suspect, to exult and elevate myself above you in triumph.’

  ‘My heart bleeds too, Foma, I assure you.’

  ‘And this is he,’ continued Foma Fomich, changing his tone from severe to sanctimonious, ‘this is he on whose account I spent so many sleepless nights! How many times I used to get up during my sleepless nights, light the candle and say to myself: “Now he sleeps peacefully, he puts his trust in you. So you must not sleep, Foma, keep vigil for him; you may devise something for his well-being.” Such were the thoughts that went through Foma’s head during his sleepless nights, Colonel! And this is how this same Colonel has rewarded him! But enough! enough! …’

  ‘But, Foma, I will redeem your friendship, I will, I swear to it!’

  ‘“Redeem”? Where is your guarantee? As a Christian I forgive and even love you; but as a man, a man of honour, I’ve no alternative but to despise you. I’m obliged to despise you, I must in the name of decency, because you have — I repeat — you have disgraced yourself, whereas I have acted in the noblest way possible. Which of all of you could do anything to equal what I have done? Who would find it in him to turn down a colossal sum of money such as the penniless and universally despised Foma Fomich has spurned in the name of glory? No, Colonel, if we are to be quits, you’ve a long list of good deeds to perform. And what good deeds are you capable of, I ask you, if you can’t even address me properly and keep calling me “Foma” as if I were a common servant?’

  ‘But, Foma, I did it to be friendly!’ Uncle cried. ‘I had no idea you didn’t like it … Good God! If only I had known …’

  ‘You were incapable,’ Foma continued, ‘you were incapable of granting, or rather unwilling to grant, the most trivial, the most insignificant request — to address me as “Your Excellency”, as one addresses a general …’

  ‘But surely that would have been, should I say, supreme arrogation, Foma?’

  ‘Supreme arrogation! You’ve read too many high-flown phrases, you keep repeating them like a parrot! Do you realize you have debased and dishonoured me by your refusal to refer to me as “Your Excellency” — you dishonoured me because in failing to understand my motives, you made me appear a capricious fool who ought to be put away in an asylum! Do you really suppose I couldn’t see how ridiculous I’d look if I were to choose to assume the title of “Your Excellency”, I who despise all titles and earthly honours, which are pure humbug in themselves unless they be illumined by virtue? Not a million rubles would persuade me to accept the rank of general without the light of virtue! And you took me to be out of my mind! For your benefit alone I sacrificed my pride and let you, yes you, take me as insane, you and your band of scholars! The only reason I asked you to address me as a general was to enlighten your mind, to raise your morals and to bathe you in the light of new ideas. Above all else I wanted to see to it that you stop revering generals as though they were the highest luminaries on this earth; I wanted to prove to you that rank is worth nought without true nobility, and that you needn’t gloat over the arrival of your general, when at your side, perhaps, there are people who shine with virtue! But you’ve flaunted your colonel’s rank in my face for so long that you just couldn’t bring yourself to say “Your Excellency” to me. There lies the cause of it all, that is where it is to be found — not in “supreme arrogation”! It all revolves around the fact that you’re a Colonel and I’m simply Foma …’

  ‘No, Foma, no! I assure you, that’s not so at all. You’re a learned man, and not simply Foma … I respect —’

  ‘You do! Good. Pray tell me then, seeing that you do respect me: am I worthy of general’s rank or not? I want a straight answer! Am I worthy of it or not? I want to see how developed your mind is.’

  ‘As regards your honesty, your generosity, your wit, your supreme spiritual nobility — of course, you’re worthy!’ Uncle replied proudly.

  ‘And if I am worthy, why won’t you say “Your Excellency”?’

  ‘Foma, perhaps … I will …’

  ‘I insist! I insist, Colonel, that you should do so now, I insist and demand! I can see how difficult it is for you to agree, and that’s why I insist. Let this sacrifice be the first of many spiritual acts which — don’t forget — you will have to perform to raise yourself up to my level; you will have to learn to master yourself, for only then will my faith in your sincerity be restored …’

  ‘I’ll call you “Your Excellency” tomorrow, Foma!’

  ‘No, not tomorrow, Colonel, tomorrow will look after itself. I insist you address me as “Your Excellency” now, immediately.’

  ‘Well then, Foma, I’m ready … Only why now, Foma …?’

  ‘And why not now? Are you ashamed? You offend me, if it shames you.’

  ‘Well, all right then, Foma, I suppose I’m ready … even proud to … Only, Foma, what’s the point, without rhyme or reason — simply: “Hello, Your Excellency?” It doesn’t make sense …’

  ‘No, not “Hello, Your Excellency”, that’s an offensive tone; you mustn’t turn it into a joke or farce. I will not allow such jokes from you. Come, come, Colonel! I demand you mend your tone immediately!’

  ‘You’re not joking, Foma, are you?’

  ‘In the first place, I am not “Foma”, Yegor Ilyich, but “Foma Fomich”. Don’t forget: I’m not “Foma”, but “Foma Fomich”.’

  ‘Of course, Foma Fomich, I’ll make every effort … Only what am I to say?’

  ‘You’re not sure what to add after “Your Excellency” — that I can well understand. You should have mentioned that to me long ago! It is quite pardonable, especially in one who is not creative, to put it politely. I’ll help you, since you are not creative. Repeat after me: “Your Excellency”.’

  ‘Very well, “Your Excellency”.’

  ‘No, not “Very well, Your Excellency”, but simply “Your Excellency”! I told you to watch your tone, Colonel! I also trust you will not be offended if I suggest you make a slight bow and at the same time incline your body forward a little. When conversing with a general keep the body inclined forward, so as to indicate respect and also, as it were, readiness to fly off on an errand for him. I’ve been in the company of generals myself, so I know what I’m talking about … So “Your Excellency”.’

  ‘Your Excellency …’

  ‘I’m overjoyed and delighted that at last I have the opportunity to apologize for failing to appreciate from the start Your Excellency’s true nature. Let me assure you that in future I shall not spare any of my feeble efforts for the common good … Well, that’ll do!’

  Poor Uncle! He was obliged to repeat all this nonsense phrase by phrase, word by word! I stood blushing with shame, as though it had been my own fault. Anger was seething within me.

  ‘Well, don’t you feel,’ the tormentor continued, ‘that you’ve now been spiritually uplifted as though an angel had been sent to lull your heart? … Do you feel the presence of this angel? Answer me!’

  ‘Yes, Foma, I suppose I do feel a bit more at ease,’ Uncle replied.

  ‘As though your heart had been dipped in some kind of balm the moment you got the mastery of yourself?’

  ‘Yes, exactly that, Foma — as if rubbed with some unguent.’

  ‘Unguent, you say? Hm … I wouldn’t know about unguents … Well, no matter! The point is that you know now how it feels to have performed one’s duty! Learn to master yourself! You are proud, inordinately proud, Colonel!’

  ‘Yes, proud, Foma, I agree,’ Uncle replied with a sigh.

  ‘You are an egoist, and a sordid egoist at that …’

  ‘An egoist, yes, that’s right, Foma, I can see that. I realized that as soon as I got to know you, Foma.’