‘I must admit, I just don’t understand you,’ I confessed at long last; ‘and what’s more,’ I continued, ‘I thought I was dealing with a person of sense, and for my part I hardly expected —’

  ‘Assumed, expected …’ Mizinchikov interrupted: ‘translated into plain language, you don’t think much of me or my idea, am I right?’

  ‘No, not at all … but …’

  ‘Oh, please don’t be afraid to speak your mind! You’ll do me a great pleasure: we’ll get to the point. I’ll agree that this whole business must strike you as rather out of the ordinary. But let me assure you — there’s nothing stupid about my plan, on the contrary, it’s an extremely sensible proposition; if only you would be so good as to listen to the circumstances as a whole …’

  ‘Please go on! I’m waiting to hear.’

  ‘Well, there’s nothing much to tell. You see, I’ve run into debt and I haven’t a kopeck to my name. On top of that, I’ve a sister of about nineteen, an orphan living with a family, practically destitute, you know. I’m partly to blame. We inherited an estate of forty serfs which, as bad luck would have it, coincided with my commission in the cavalry. Well, at first I borrowed on security but then came wine and women. I lived like a fool, I set the fashion, like Burtsov, I gambled, drank — in short, I couldn’t have behaved more stupidly … I’m ashamed to talk about it. Now I’ve come to my senses, I’m going to turn over a new leaf. But I’ve got to get a hundred thousand in cash. As I’ve no hope of earning anything, I have no practical skill and hardly any education, there are only two ways open to me: either to steal or marry into money. I came here on foot, yes, I walked all but barefoot. My sister gave me her last three rubles when I started out from Moscow. Here I came across Tatyana Ivanovna, and that’s when I got the idea: I decided to sacrifice myself and get married. You must agree, this makes perfect sense. Besides, I’m doing it more for my sister … of course, for myself as well …’

  ‘Just a moment — are you going to propose to Tatyana Ivanovna?’

  ‘God forbid! That would be asking to be kicked out of the house, anyway she’d refuse; but she’ll jump at the idea of running away, elopement. As long as I make it romantic and exciting for her. Of course we’d get married legally immediately afterwards. But I must lure her away from here first!’

  ‘What makes you so sure she will definitely elope with you?’

  ‘Oh, don’t worry! I’m positive about that. Everything depends on Tatyana Ivanovna’s readiness to start an affair with literally anyone she meets, anyone who cares to respond to her. That’s why I’ve asked you to give me your word beforehand not to try and take advantage of me. You will appreciate, I am sure, that it would have been foolish of me not to make use of the opportunity, especially considering my circumstances.’

  ‘She must be totally mad … oh! I beg your pardon,’ I said, stopping short, ‘now that you have designs on her …’

  ‘Please don’t be embarrassed, I’ve asked you already. You ask if she really is mad? Well, how shall I put it? Of course she isn’t, otherwise she would have been put away; and what’s more, I don’t see anything specially disturbing in this craze for love affairs. She’s an unusually honest girl, in spite of all. You see, she was dreadfully poor until last year, and since the day she was born she’d been under the heel of benefactresses. She’s fearfully sensitive, and conscious of never having had a proposal. So you must understand — what with her hopes, desires, aspirations, passions, which have always been bottled up, and the endless taunts from her benefactresses, it’s hardly surprising that she has been reduced to such a state. And then suddenly she comes into money; you must agree, that would have unsettled anybody. Now of course they’re all after her, she is the centre of attention, and all her hopes have been raised. You heard her story about the dandy in the white waistcoat: it’s true, it all happened just as she said. This should tell you about the rest: secret billets-doux, suppressed sighs, love poems, and you’ll get her — and then bring in silken ladders, Spanish serenades, and all that nonsense — you can do anything you like with her. I’ve tried her out already, and got a secret rendezvous. But for the moment I’ve decided to leave things as they are till a better moment. But in about three or four days’ time I’ve definitely got to get her away from here. First I’ll give her sweet words and sighs; I can strum on the guitar and sing. A rendezvous at night in the arbour, and by dawn my carriage will be waiting: I’ll lure her into it and we’ll be away, away! You see, there’s no risk: she’s of age and besides, she’ll have done it of her own free will. And of course, once she’s eloped with me, she’ll be under an obligation to me … I’ll put her in the care of a poor but respectable family — there’s one about forty versts from here — where she’ll be looked after and cared for till the wedding day, so that nobody else gets their hands on her. In the meantime I’ll be making the wedding preparations — shouldn’t take me more than three days. Of course I’ll need money, but I’ve worked it out, the whole thing won’t cost more than five hundred in silver, and I’m counting on Yegor Ilyich to help me out: he’ll give me the money without knowing what’s going on. Now do you understand me?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said, having grasped the situation fully. ‘But tell me, where do I come into all this?’

  ‘Oh, quite a lot, I assure you. Otherwise I’d never have approached you. As I said, I’ve got a respectable but impoverished family in mind. I’ll need your help in various ways — and of course as a witness. Frankly, I’ll be lost without your help.’

  ‘Let me ask: to what do I owe the honour of your confidence in me? I’ve only been here a few hours and I am a total stranger to you.’

  ‘I’m glad you asked me,’ Mizinchikov replied with a friendly smile; ‘frankly, your question makes me very happy because it gives me an opportunity to express my profound respect for you.’

  ‘Oh, you do me too much honour!’

  ‘Not at all, you see I’ve already studied you a little. You may be a trifle emotional and … and … well, young too; but there’s one thing I’m certain about: if you’ve promised to keep a secret, you’ll never break your word. First, you’re not like Obnoskin. Secondly, you’re honest and would never think of stealing my idea from me, unless, of course, you decided to enter into a friendly deal with me. In that case I might perhaps be willing to concede you my idea, that is, Tatyana Ivanovna, and I’d do my level best to help you with the elopement — on one condition though, that one month after the wedding you paid me fifty thousand in cash; naturally I’d appreciate some security in advance — say an IOU without interest.’

  ‘What?’ I cried, ‘you’re offering her to me?’

  ‘Naturally I’m quite willing to let you have her, if you should feel so inclined. I shall be the loser, of course … but the idea is mine and it’s worth hard cash. Thirdly, I turned to you because there really isn’t anybody else to choose from and, bearing in mind the present circumstances, delay would be disastrous. And what’s more, the Fast of the Assumption will soon be upon us and there are no weddings then. You understand me now, I hope.’

  ‘Indeed I do, and let me assure you once again that your secret will remain inviolate with me; but I cannot be your accomplice in this affair, I feel duty bound to make it clear to you here and now.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘What do you mean, “why”?’ I cried, at last giving full vent to my indignation. ‘Don’t you see that it’s a mean trick to play on anybody? Of course your calculations are faultless, based as they are on the frustrations and unhappiness of this pathetic spinster — but that alone should have been enough to deter you as a gentleman! You said yourself she deserves respect even though she is ridiculous. And now you’re ready to take advantage of her misfortune so as to squeeze a hundred thousand out of her! You’ve no intention of being a dutiful husband who will stand by her and accept his responsibilities: you’re bound to leave her … The whole plan is so outrageous that I’m amazed you dared ask me to be your accomplice!’

  ‘My God, what a romantic you are!’ Mizinchikov exclaimed, looking at me with unfeigned surprise. ‘Come to think of it, it might not be that you’re romantic — just that you don’t understand what’s at stake. You’re accusing me of being dishonourable, and yet she and she alone stands to gain in this, not me … just consider!’

  ‘I’m sure as far as you’re concerned, marriage to Tatyana Ivanovna would be the most magnanimous arrangement possible,’ I replied with a sarcastic smile.

  ‘How else? Of course it would be the most magnanimous arrangement possible!’ shouted Mizinchikov, his temper rising too. ‘Just consider: first, I’m sacrificing myself by agreeing to be her husband — isn’t that worth something? Secondly, even though she’s got at least a cool hundred thousand in silver, I’m only ever going to take one hundred thousand in notes, I have solemnly promised myself not to touch any more in all my life, though I could easily do so — that’s worth something too! Finally — try to understand: can she ever have a moment’s peace in life? If she’s to lead a life of peace, she’s got to be relieved of her wealth and committed to a lunatic asylum. Otherwise, she’ll be prey to some waiting, fortune-hunting, guitar-strumming, serenading confidence-trickster like Obnoskin, complete with moustachio and pointed beard, who’ll seduce her, marry her, pocket all her money and then leave her stranded by the roadside. Take this household, highly respectable you’d think: but she’s tolerated here only because everybody is speculating with her money. She must be protected from all these risks! Now, as soon as she’s married to me, you understand, there will be no more dangers of that sort. I’ll see to it that she comes to no harm whatever. First, I shall immediately settle her in Moscow with a respectable, destitute family — not the one I mentioned earlier, another one; my sister will be at her side all the time and she’ll be under strict surveillance. She’ll be left with at least two hundred and fifty thousand — perhaps three hundred thousand — in cash: imagine how you could live on that! All the pleasures of life will be hers, balls, masquerades, concerts. I shan’t even object if she indulges in a little flirtation, but I’ll have to safeguard my interests — it will have to be strictly in the realm of fancy, not beyond. At present, anybody can insult her, but all that will stop once she’s my wife, Mrs Mizinchikov, for I’ll not allow my good name to be sullied, sir! Isn’t that worth something? Naturally we shan’t be living together. She’ll live in Moscow, I’ll be somewhere in Petersburg. You might as well know this because I’m not hiding anything from you. Well, what if we do live apart? You’ve seen her and observed her character: I ask you, is she capable of being a wife who maintains a conjugal relationship with her husband? Could one ever expect her to be constant? She’s the most irresponsible creature under the sun! She must have continual variety; she could get married one day and forget all about it the next. And I should make her very miserable indeed if I were to stay with her and expect strict performance of her marital duties. Naturally, I’ll be coming to see her from time to time, once a year or even more, and not just for the sake of her money, I assure you. I said I shan’t take more than a hundred thousand, and that’s the end of it! I’ll be perfectly honourable with her in money matters. By coming to see her for a day or two I shall be bringing her a lot of happiness, and avoid turning into a bore; I shall laugh with her, tell her jokes, take her to balls, make love to her, give her souvenirs, serenade her, buy her a Pekinese; we’ll have romantic partings and I’ll go on writing love-letters to her. She’ll be positively delighted to have such a romantic, amorous and happy husband! To my mind this is all quite reasonable: if only all husbands behaved like that. Wives never appreciate their husbands more than when they’re away: I’ll follow my theory and capture Tatyana Ivanovna’s affections, I’ll hold her in sweet bliss for life. What more could she want, I’d like to know? Life will be sheer heaven for her!’

  I listened too astonished to speak. I could see it would be futile to contradict Mr Mizinchikov. He was obsessed with the righteousness, the grandeur of his plan, and spoke of it with the passion of an inventor. However, there still remained one tricky matter which had to be resolved.

  ‘Have you considered,’ I said, ‘that she’s already virtually Uncle’s fiancée? If you elope with her, you’ll hurt him badly; you’ll be abducting her on the eve of her wedding day, and on top of that, you’ll be borrowing the money to finance your project from him!’

  ‘Ah, that’s where you’re wrong!’ Mizinchikov cried out in excitement. ‘Don’t worry, I was expecting you to raise that objection. First and most important: as yet your uncle has not actually proposed; so I could have been unaware of any plans afoot for his betrothal. And don’t forget, I conceived my plan three weeks ago, when I still knew nothing at all about what was going on here; and therefore as far as he’s concerned I’m morally perfectly within my rights, strictly speaking, I’m not taking his bride away from him at all, it’s more like the reverse, and — remember — I’ve already had a secret midnight meeting with her in the summer-house. And lastly, if I may say so: just now you were fuming with indignation that your uncle was being made to marry Tatyana Ivanovna, and now you’re suddenly defending this marriage and talking of honour and insults to the family! No — it’s me who’s doing your uncle an enormous favour — I’m rescuing him — surely you understand that! He’s dead set against this marriage, and he’s in love with somebody else into the bargain! What sort of a wife would Tatyana Ivanovna make him? And on top of everything, she’s bound to be unhappy with him because sooner or later someone will have to stop her throwing roses at strange young men. But once I’ve abducted her in the night, neither Foma nor the General’s Lady will be able to do anything about it. It’ll be too scandalous to bring back a bride who has absconded from the altar. Now isn’t that doing your uncle a service, a really good turn?’

  I must admit this last remark really made me stop and think.

  ‘But what if he proposes tomorrow?’ I said. ‘Surely it’ll be too late then? They’ll be officially engaged.’

  ‘Of course it’ll be too late! That’s exactly why we have to work fast to prevent it. Why do you think I’m asking for your cooperation? I couldn’t possibly cope on my own, but the two of us could make sure that Yegor Ilyich doesn’t propose to her. We’ve got to stop him! We may even have to give Foma a beating to divert everybody’s attention — they’ll not think of weddings then. Of course, this would only be a last resort; I’m only making a suggestion. You’re my only hope.’

  ‘One final question: have you told anybody else besides me about this scheme?’

  Mizinchikov scratched his head and made a very wry face.

  ‘I must admit,’ he replied, ‘your question is worse than the most bitter pill for me. I have, that’s the whole trouble … what a fool I’ve been! I mentioned it to Obnoskin, of all people! I can hardly believe it myself now! I’ve no idea how I came to do it! He was always snooping about; I hardly knew him at the time, and when the idea first occurred to me I was in a daze; the one thing I was clear about was that I needed an accomplice, so I turned to Obnoskin … Unforgivable, unforgivable!’

  ‘Well, what did he have to say?’

  ‘He jumped at the idea, and early the very next day he vanished. A couple of days later he came back with his mother. Kept avoiding me and wouldn’t say a word, as though he was afraid. I immediately guessed what was going on. His mother’s a sly one — she’s been up to every trick you could imagine. I know her of old. Of course, he told her everything. I’m waiting now and keeping quiet, while they spy about. The situation is rather tense … That’s why I’m in a hurry.’

  ‘What exactly are you afraid of?’

  ‘There’s not much they can do — but they’re bound to make some sort of mischief. For a start they’ll want money for keeping quiet and not interfering: that I can expect … Only I’m not in a position to spare them much — my mind’s made up; they won’t get more than three thousand in notes. Judge for yourself: three thousand here, five hundred in silver for the wedding which I’ll have to pay back to your uncle; then some old debts of my own — well, something for my sister, just a little. A hundred thousand won’t go very far! I’ll be ruined again! … By the way, the Obnoskins have left.’

  ‘Left?’ I asked with interest.

  ‘Yes, straight after tea; anyway, to hell with them! They’ll be back again tomorrow, you’ll see. Well then, can I rely on you?’

  ‘To be honest,’ I replied, wincing inwardly, ‘I don’t know what to say. It’s a tricky proposition … Of course, your secret is quite safe with me, don’t mistake me for an Obnoskin … but I’d rather you didn’t rely on me.’

  ‘I can see,’ said Mizinchikov, getting up, ‘you’re still prepared to put up with Foma and the old lady, and fond though you are of your kind, noble uncle, you don’t fully appreciate what he’s being subjected to. You’re new here … But patience! If you stay here tomorrow, you’ll see for yourself, and by the end of the day you’ll agree. Otherwise your uncle is doomed — you understand? They’re certain to marry him off. Don’t forget, he may even propose tomorrow. It’ll be too late then; tonight is the time for a decision!’

  ‘I do wish you every success, but as for helping … I honestly don’t know.’

  ‘Very well! Let’s wait till tomorrow,’ Mizinchikov decided with a derisive smile. La nuit porte conseil. Au revoir. I’ll see you first thing in the morning. Think it over …’

  He turned and left, whistling a tune.

  I went out after him for a breath of fresh air. The moon was not up yet; the night was dark, warm and close. The foliage in the trees was motionless. Though I was extremely tired, I decided to take a short stroll to refresh myself and collect my thoughts in peace, but I had not walked ten paces when I suddenly heard Uncle’s voice. He was mounting the flight of steps to the house and talking excitedly to someone. I immediately turned back and called to him. He was with Vidoplyasov.