my legs and sprang backwards.

  “Thus ends the saga of the Stainless Steel Rat!” My words were followed instantly by the crash of breaking glass, as I burst through the window and hurtled out into the night.

  Falling. Twisting and turning as I did. So that I hit the waters of the canal in a clean dive that took me under in a curving arc, I did not break the surface again until I was some meters away and concealed by the darkness.

  It was a happy end to a pleasant evening; I hummed to myself as I did an easy breaststroke through the darkness. I had brought joy to this dull planet, at least for a few brief moments. The police had reluctantly indulged in a bit of exercise. Now they could relax and fill out the endless reports so dear to the copper’s heart. The news reporters would have something interesting to write about—for a change—and the populace in turn would be fascinated by the exciting events of the evening. I really should be treated as a benefactor of

  4 The Stainless Steel Rat for President

  mankind—not a criminal. But there is no justice, I knew that,

  so I just swam on.

  Number twenty-two was a safe house located in one of the

  more repellent districts of Blodgett City. Angelina would know what the number meant and would join me there. Meanwhile, there was little chance that my sodden clothing would draw the attention of anyone foolish enough to be abroad in these mean streets. There was one hidden entrance to the house that began in a public toilet, which I used now as being the most appropriate. In the house I left a trail of ruined clothing down the hallway to the bath, where a steaming shower relaxed and restored me. I was dressed again in fresh garments and sipping a

  “I hoped you would enjoy it.” I pointed. “You have left the door open by mistake, my sweet.”

  “No mistake, my love,” she answered. As an attacking herd of policemen thundered through behind her. “Betrayed!” I shrieked, leaping to my feet. “Et tu. Brute?” “I’ll explain,” she said, coming towards me.

  “Mere words will not explain treachery!” I shouted as I dived around her towards the escape panel in the wall. She extended a delicate foot that caught my ankle and sent me sprawling headlong. Before I could rise again the hordes of policemen had fallen upon me.

  Chapter 2

  I’m good—but not that good. Sheer weight of numbers overwhelmed me. The first two attackers dropped unconscious, as did the next two. But someone had a armlock on me and as I was breaking this hold another policeman got me by the ankle. And so on. Roaring with rage, like a giant pulled down by ants, I fell beneath the onslaught. My last act was to free my right arm long enough to take the jeweled policeman’s badge from my pocket and flip it across the room to land at Angelina’s feet.

  “Here!” I ululated. “You deserve that. Not as a souvenir as I had planned, but as a decoration honoring your new and traitorous alliance with the police!”

  “How charming,” she said, picking it up, then stepping forward and swinging a sharp uppercut that caught me square

  on the jaw. “And that is your decoration for mistrusting your wife. Release the creature.”

  I dropped, stunned, as the restraining hands let go. Angelina throws a mean punch. When the whirling constellations had vanished, and vision returned, I saw her handing the badge back to the policeman at her side.

  “This is Captain Kretin,” she said, “who tried to speak to

  you earlier this evening. Are you ready to listen now?” I muttered something that even I couldn’t understand and stumbled to the nearest chair, rubbing my jaw and feeling immensely sorry for myself. The captain spoke.

  “As I have been explaining to your charming wife, Mr. diGriz, we merely want you to aid in an investigation. A man has been found, brutally murdered …”

  “I didn’t do it! I was out of town at the time! I want my lawyer…” “Jim, darling, listen to the nice policeman.” It was the way she said darling that sent ice water through

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  my veins. I shut up. My Angelina can be deadly when provoked.

  “You misunderstand; no one is accusing you of the crime. We just need your aid in attempting to solve this hideous felony. This is the first murder we have had on Blodgett in a hundred and thirteen years, so we are kind of out of practice with this sort of thing.”

  The captain took out his notebook to refresh his memory, then carried on in a boring and monotonous voice. “Earlier this afternoon, at approximately thirteen hundred hours, there was a disturbance in the Zaytoun district of this city, not far from your place of residence. Witnesses reported three men running from the scene of th crime. The police were summoned and found the victim of the assault, who had been brutally stabbed a number of times. He died without regaining consciousness. His pockets were empty, his wallet missing, he had no identification of any kind on his person. However, during the subsequent post mortem examination a piece of paper was found in his mouth. This is the piece of paper.” He held out a wrinkled scrap, and I took it up gingerly.

  Scrawled on it were the words STAINLUS STEAL RATA.

  “Whoever wrote this doesn’t spell too well,” I muttered, brain still addled from Angelina’s tiny but deadly fist.

  “A remarkable observation,” she said, looking over my shoulder. Her tone of voice was not a sympathetic one. The policeman droned on.

  “It is our theory that the victim was attempting to contact

  you. If this is so, then the indications are that he put the paper into his mouth when he was attacked, in order to conceal its presence from his assailants. Here is his picture. We would like to ascertain the dead man’s identity.” He passed it over. I biinked my eyes into focus and stared at it. I was depressed. I have seen corpses before so that part didn’t bother. It was a good holograph, in three-dimensional color, clear and sharp. I turned it around and around—then handed it back.

  “That’s all very interesting,” I said. “But in all truth I have

  never seen this man before.”

  They didn’t want to believe me, but’ in the end they had no choice. I could see that they were sure that I was lying—even though I was telling them the absolute truth. They left after

  some more futile questions, carrying away three of their party

  The Stainless Steel Rat for President 7

  who had not regained consciousness. I went to the bar to mix

  us some strong drinks, since it had turned out to be a very trying evening. But when I turned about with the glasses in my hands I found the point of a very sharp kitchen knife about one centimeter from my left eyeball.

  “Now what was that you said about my being a traitor?” Angelina asked in a warm, cold voice; honey over ice.

  “My love!” I gasped, stepping backwards. The knife moved with me, never changing its relative position. I felt the sweat break out on the nape of my neck as I began lying swiftly. “How could you be so heartless? So misunderstanding? When the police appeared I was sure they had captured you, forced

  you to lead them here against your will. So I called you a traitor so they would think you were not involved in whatever charge they were arresting me on. I did it but to protect you my dearest!”

  “Oh, Jim, I have been so cruel to you!” The knife clattered to the floor and she had her arms about me and I juggled fiercely not to spill the drinks down her back. Her arms were strong, her embrace warm, her kisses passionate. And I felt like a rat.

  “There, there,” I gasped after we came up for air. “Just a misunderstanding. Now let us drink our drinks and try to figure out just what the hell is going on around here.” “Were you really telling them the truth? You’ve never seen the dead man before?”

  “The truth and nothing but! I know that I have broken my long-standing rule of never telling the police anything that might aid them in the slightest. It can’t hurt, just this once. The man’s an absolute stranger.”

  “Then let us find out who he is.” She took the holograph from behind the seat of the sofa where she had concealed it. “I took this from the captain’s pocket as he left. There is no need to involve the local police in Special Corps matters. I’ll get on to the local agent at once.”

  She was right of course. This affair undoubtedly had ramifications that stretched far beyond this backward planet. Since identity records here were exhaustively complete it meant that the dead man had to be from offplanet. Which meant that the case now was the responsibility of the legendary, galaxy-wide, professional, superior and all-embracing police force known only as the Special Corps. Of which organization I can say, in all modesty, I am the most important member.

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  “We’ll need more identification than this picture,” I said, handing it back to her. “Have the agent meet us here. I’ll be back within the hour with everything that he will need for the investigation.”

  I slipped a toolkit into my pocket before leaving. The city morgue was not too distant—which will give you a good idea of the kind of neighborhood this is—and I went through a back window and three locked doors without slowing down. I pick locks the way others pick their teeth.

  I slid out the drawer of the cooler and stared down at the corpse. The glimmering hope that he might be familiar in the frozen flesh vanished. The mystery remained. It took but seconds to scrape off fragments of skin, clip hair samples— and extract dirt from under the man’s nails. His clothes had been carefully filed and labeled by the police. I located them and took samples of these as well. And still more scrapings from his shoes. After this I went out the way that I had gotten in—and no one knew of either my arrival or departure. This minor operation had gone so smoothly that I returned to the safe house just as the Special Corps agent was letting himself in through the public convenience.

  “Nice weather today, Mr. diGriz,” he said, adjusting his clothing.

  “It’s always nice on Blodgett, Charley. That’s why I hate it. When is the next shipment going out to headquarters?” “A couple of hours. The weekly bag. I’m taking it myself.” “Perfect. I want you to take along these containers. Tell the lab to use every possible test on these samples. Here’s a picture of the late deceased that I took them from. Get me gene tests, pollen tests, blood groups, ethnotyping, everything and anything they can think of. I want to know who this

  man is—or was. If he can’t be identified I want to know where he came from. He was looking for me—and I’m very interested in finding out why. “

  The answer came in a surprisingly short time. Just three days later the front door bell rang and I looked into the

  scanner to see that the good and faithful Charley had returned. I let him in and reached out for the sealed case he was carrying. He pulled it away and chewed nervously at his lower lip. I growled deep in my throat and he cringed even more.

  “I got orders, Mr. diGriz. From Inskipp, the supreme,.

  our Commander-in-Chief.”

  The Stainless Steel Rat for President 9

  “And what does that dear, sweet man have to say for himself?” “He says that you have forged some checks on the Corps secret account and he wants the seventy-five thousand credits back before he releases any more information to a depraved crook…” “You’re calling me a depraved crook!”

  He whinnied with fear as he scurried away from my grasping fingers.

  “No! You got me wrong! I didn’t say that—Inskipp did. I’m just quoting him like he told me to.”

  “The bearer of ill-tidings should be killed as well,” I snarled, my fingers still snapping in anger. I reached for him again but Angelina appeared suddenly and stepped between us. She held out a check to Charley.

  “Here is the money we borrowed from the account. A simple error in bookkeeping, wouldn’t you say?” “I sure would! I do the same thing myself sometimes.” He wiped the sweat from his brow and passed over the case. “If

  you will kindly give this to your husband I’ll be moving on. A busy day coming up, ha-ha.” “The door slammed behind his back and I took the case from Angelina, pretending that I did not see the angry flare of her nostrils.

  “This is it,” I said, pressing my thumb on the security latch. The case fell open, a screen lifted up and glowed with life. Inskipp’s depressing features looked out at me and I almost dropped the thing. Angelina must have seen my expression because she took the case from my hands and placed it on the end table. The imaged Inskipp glowered and snarled and shook a piece of paper in my direction.

  “You’ve got to stop stealing this organization’s money, diGriz. It sets a bad example for the troops. You will have paid back your last embezzlement by now or you wouldn’t be listening to this message. It’s only because of our interest in ParaisoAqui that I am talking to you now.” “What is ParaisoAqui?” I said aloud.

  The image nodded sagely. “By now you are asking yourself what is ParaisoAqui. ” The smugness and self-assurance of the

  man. How easy it is to hate your boss. Particularly when he is one jump ahead of you. “Well I’ll tell you. It is the home world of the murdered man you asked the lab to track down. I want you to go there and have a look at this planet. Then come and report to me. If you will read the document enclosed hprp vnii will niiirklv >p whafr niir intprpt i

  10 The Stainless Steel Rat for President

  The image vanished and the screen went dark. I flipped the screen back into its well and took up the envelope that had been concealed beneath it.

  “This is very interesting,” I said, quickly flipping through the printed sheets. “In what way?”

  “Because not only don’t I know the man who was trying to

  see me—but I have never in my life heard of his home world before.”

  “Well … we are just going to have to do something about that, aren’t we?”

  “We certainly are!” I said, smiling in return. “We are just going to have to grit our teeth and obey Inskipp’s instructions. Like it or not we will have to visit this mysterious planet.” Angelina nodded and we just stood there grinning like fools. Knowing—without knowing how we knew—that the present period of peaceful boredom was at an end. The future was already looking brighter. I felt it in my bones. Something very unusual and highly interesting was about to begin.

  Chapter 3

  The travel brochure was heavy and warm to the touch, the

  copy on its cover glowing with self-importance. “Come to sunny perfection on the holiday world of ParaisoAqui,” I read aloud.

  Angelina, sitting at my side, was reading from a more sober and thinner volume, appropriately bound in black.

  “ParaisoAqui is a planet that was settled during the first galactic expansion and only recently rediscovered. It is noteworthy for having the most corrupt form of government in the galaxy.”

  “A slight difference of opinion between these two sources,” I said, rubbing my hands together with anticipatory glee.

  “Afternoon bouillon, sir?” the steward-robot asked, bowing and scraping before us.

  “Not even to bathe in, you mechanized toady,” I said. “Ill have a large Altairian panther juice on the rocks. Better make that two—” “One,” Angelina said firmly. “Bouillon for me.” “Yes, madam, delighted, perfect choice, wonderful,” the obsequious machine salivated, bowing and nodding and rubbing its hands together as it writhed away. I hated it. Just as much as I hated everything else about this space-going cruise ship, the Luxurious Paradise Planet Tour, as well as all of the repulsive and loathsomely garbed tourists who gathered in shrieking throngs throughout the lounge.

  “But we’re dressed the same way, my darling,” Angelina said. I must have spoken my thoughts aloud in the passion of the moment. And we were indeed dressed the same way. With a vengeance! I wore a short-sleeved shirt patterned with hideous purple and yellow blossoms. With shorts to match. Angelina wore exactly the same outfit, admittedly filling hers out in a far more attractive way. Also, in the latest holiday fashion, we had our hair dyed blonde and curled into

  11

  12 The Stainless Steel Rat for President

  little green-tipped ringlets. I would have felt like an absolute fool were it not for the fact that all of our fellow travelers

  were garbed and coiffed in an equally repulsive fashion. A perfect disguise, yes, but what a price it exacted from my free soul! I opened the brochure to reveal a holopic of a deep blue

  sea under a light blue sky. The waves stirred and crashed onto the beach with a tiny crashing sound; a faint smell of sea brine wafted up from the page.

  “Happy natives laugh away their days in the sunshine amidst the gustatory glories of sun-ripened fruit and freshcaught fish. “

  Angelina read quietly from her book, a dark counterpoint to mine. “

  “The inhabitants live in a condition of near-slavery; poverty and disease is the norm. The rule of the dictators government is absolute.”

  “Thirty minutes to planetfall … planetfall in thirty minutes,” the loudspeakers whispered. The tourists stirred and squeaked with excitement. I threw my guidebook into the atomic oubliette where it exploded with a puff of smoke, thin cries echoing from its recorded pages.

  “We’ll just have to see for ourselves,” I said. Angelina handed me the Special Corps report and I nodded and sent it after the other. “If that is found in our luggage we are finished before we even begin.”

  The steward smarmed up and we took our drinks. Angelina smiled across her steaming cup at me. “Now, don’t be a spoilsport, Jim diGriz. This is not only a cover, but is a real holiday as well. You’re going to enjoy it if I have to throttle

  you into submission. Think of it as a second honeymoon— no, afirst one! We never did have a proper one.”

  “Aren’t we a little late? After all the twins are almost twenty years old …”

  “Which makes me hideous, middle-aged and unattractive I suppose?” There was ice in her words and menace in her voice, I threw my drink aside—it ate a hole in the carpet where it fell—and dropped on my knees before her.