now. I’m sure that he can help us. Please tell the audience, chief, how long have you lived in Tortosa?” “Well … all my life.” Most reluctantly. “Good. Then do you see any strangers here?” He looked around and even more reluctantly said that he didn’t.

  “Very good,” James said. “We are just in time for the big event—the election returns are coming in. As a public service the loudspeakers will be turned on so that everyone present can hear the results.”

  The mayor and the chief of police seemed to shrink inside their clothes when they heard the outcome of the election. When the vote for Tortosa was announced they stirred in panic, but Rodriguez stepped forward and they grew still again. Behind them the good voters of Tortosa roared in protest.

  “Did you hear that?” James’s voice asked. “Could something be wrong? Just two votes for Sir Hector Harapo—and every other vote for Zapilote. Let us find out for ourselves.” A switch was thrown and his voice boomed from all of the loudspeakers. “Good people of Tortosa, this is the representative of Sir Hector speaking. He is of the belief that the

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  repulsive swine of a general-president has thrown your votes

  away, that the voting machines are crooked, that Zapilote is cheating you out of your representation on this ballot. Let us discover the truth. Will every person here who voted for Sir Hector Harapo please raise his or her hand. Thank you.” Silence filled the square as the hands went up. Slowly, firmly, proudly. A sea of hands. An uplifting demonstration of the truth.

  “Very good. Thank you. Will you please lower your hands. Now I ask for the hands of those who voted for Zapilote.”

  All of the hands dropped. Not one hand lifted. Yes, one, two hands, as the mayor and the chief hesitantly raised their palms. James’s voice was jubilant.

  “There you have it, people of ParaisoAqui. Proof positive of the crime of disfranchisement. All of the people of this town, with two verminous exceptions, have been deprived of their vote. We have positive proof that in Tortosa the voting

  was fixed. The wrong man won.”

  I signaled and the camera came back on me. I pointed gravely at the massive tome beside me.

  “A crime has been committed. A crime that you will find reference to on page nine thousand and three of the sacred constitution of this planet. The wording of clause seventynine on this page is clear, painfully clear. I will read it to you.” I raised a copy of the clause and read from it in my most impressive and sonorous voice.

  “Due to the nature of electronic voting and due to the necessity of assuring that the voting is always recorded with utmost accuracy and due to the invisibility of the votes once they have been recorded in the voting machine, it is hereby ordained that strictest controls and regulations must be observed as stated in paragraph nineteen, subsection forty of the voting act, and as further guarantee of the surety of the votes it shall be declared and enacted that if it be proven beyond doubt that the recoird of votes in a single voting machine during a presidential ballot be proven to be substantially altered, then that presidential ballot shall be declared null and void, and all of the ballots cast in that election shall be declared null and void. It is furthermore required that two weeks after this declaration of nullity there shall be another ballot and this ballot will be potentiated using the original system of paper ballots and ballot boxes and the winner of this election will be declared President and he shall instigate

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  an investigation of the voting machines before their next use in any election.”

  I placed the paper reverently back upon the constitution, then turned slowly to the camera. In a serious and ominous voice I spoke.

  “I therefore declare this election null and void. In two weeks’ time there will be another election. At that time— mav thp hp.
  Chapter 30

  “Cut,” Angelina said, and there were shouts of joy from all present.

  “You have done it,” she wid, and kissed my cheek above the fuzz line. “And you have taken care of all of the voters of Tortosa as well.”

  “Absolutely. For our sake, as well as theirs, they are now settling down in their bedrolls in the tents outside. Safe from

  any retaliations from Zapilote’s creatures. They will remain for the two weeks until the next election and will be handsomely paid for their little vacation. All of them seemed to enjoy the idea.”

  “He will ignore us,” de Torres said gloomily. “He will pay

  no heed to the demand for another election. He has the power to do this.”

  “He dare not,” I said. “It would ruin the planet’s economy. Without the import of ofiworld currency his corrupt and incompetent administration would be bankrupt in a week. I have sent full details on the election to every planet supplying tourists to this world. They will be watching the result with close attention.”

  “Then we have won!” de Torres said, striking a victorious

  pose,

  “Not yet,” I told him. “We have still to fight the battle of the ballot boxes. But this time we will be ready. For every dirty trick he knows I know three. It will be a conflict every step of the way, but at least now we stand a chance.

  It was a very busy two weeks. The official ballot boxes were manufactured and sealed under the ‘strictest supervision. But

  we had little trouble extracting a sample from their warehouse in order to go into the ballot-box business for ourselves. We did the same thing with the ballots, and very quickly had printed as many as had the government presses. I didn’t know what kind of dirty tricks they would be trying,

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  The Stainless Steel Rat for President 169

  so we had to be ready for everything and anything that might come our way.

  Nor were we being tardy on the organizational front. Jorge, once a tourist guide and now in charge of our recruiting campaign, had flying squads visiting every polling district. Local volunteers were formed into secret committees, then issued with scrambler radios so we could be in constant touch with all of them. Campaign brochures poured forth from printing presses right around the planet, and we saw to it that there were two news bulletins on radio and television every night. First came the lying government one—then ours followed immediately afterwards. We kept the news factual and accurate and free of political bias. That was enough—it was a breath of fresh air after the drivel that had proceeded it. We knew that their technicians were doing everything they could to jam or trace our signals. To no ayail. Freedom of information had come to the planet. If the ballot could be kept relatively honest Zapilote’s regime was surely doomed.

  We had real proof of this when the government car approached our perimeter defenses on day eleven, just three days before the election. It was stopped by the guards who put a call through to me.

  “Excuse me. Sir Hector, but the party in the car will speak to no one but you.” “What’s the security status?”

  “Detectors reveal only small arms. No bombs, no radiation devices of any kind. One passenger in the back, a driver and guard in the front.” “Sounds good so far. Who is the passenger?” “We can’t tell. The windows are opaqued.”

  “Let them through. I don’t think we’ll have any trouble looking after them.”

  Nor did we. The car was stopped among the trees well away from the castle. Rodriguez and Bolivar had a squad with them; they had the two men who were in the front of the car disarmed and whisked away within seconds. I strolled into sight and looked at the dark windows. I was quite relaxed, possibly because of my superior combat ability, but truthfully because of the portable force field generator that protected

  me.

  “You can come out now,” I said.

  The door slowly opened and Zapilote poked his head through, then climbed down.

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  “What an unexpected pleasure,” I said.

  “None of that nonsense, Harapo. I’m here to talk business.” He reached behind him in the car and removed a metal box. When he turned back with it in his hand my pistol was trained between his little beady eyes.

  “Put that away, you moron,” he snarled. “I’m not here to try to kill you.” He threw a switch on the box and it began to hum loudly. “This is a white noise generator. It blacks out

  any kind of recording equipment and sets up air tremor patterns that make photography and lipreading impossible. I want no record of this conversation to exist. ” “Fine by me.” I put the gun away. “What do you want?” “A deal. You’re the only person in a hundred and seventy

  years that eyer gave me a fight. I appreciate that. It was getting kind (n boring.” “Not to the people you had beaten to death. ” “None of that liberal hogwash for the masses. There are just the two of us here now. You don’t care about the microcephalic mob any more than I do …”

  “What makes you say that?” The conversation was beginning to get interesting.

  “Because you are a politician, that’s why. The only thing politicians care about is getting elected, then reelected. You have stood up to me and made your point. It’s now time for

  us to get together and make a deal. I’m not going to live forever, you know …” “That’s the best news I have heard yet!” He ignored me and pressed on.

  “My geriatric shots aren’t having the same effect that they used to. I may have to retire one of these days. So I’m thinking of bringing someone along to take my place. And that person is you. How’s that for an offer?”

  He started to cough and had to grope in his pocket for a pill. It was a great offer. On his terms it was incredible indeed. He had built a political machine and had taken over the planet completely. And he was offering me a share in it—and a future of controlling it. It was a magnificent offer. “And what will I have to trade off for this job?” “Don’t be stupid. You lose the election. You take a dive. And after that you stay in politics in opposition to me. Everyone thinks that you are the greatest thing since they invented sex, so all the bleeding-heart liberals flock to your cause. You organize them and see that they don’t do any harm. Of course

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  you let us know who the real revolutionaries are so we can dispose of them. This system will last a thousand years. It’s a deal, right?”

  “Wrong. And I know that I am going to have a job explaining to you exactly why. You see I believe in the one man one vote system …” “Ha, ha!” “Equality before the law … ” “Come off it!”

  “Free speech, habeas corpus, no taxation without representation …”

  “Do you have a fever, Harapo? Just what the hell are you talking about?”

  “I said that you wouldn’t understand. So let me put it on

  your terms. I want all the loot and I want it now. I want all the money, all the power, all the women. I intend to kill anyone who gets in my way. Do you understand?” Zapilote sighed and nodded .his head and snuffled. “I’m an old man and I get emotional when I hear talk like that. Reminds me of me at your age. I need you on my team, Harapo. Say you’ll join me!” “I’ll kill you first.”

  “Really wonderful. Just what I would have done.” He turned and climbed slowly back into the car. Before he closed the door he looked at me again, sighed and shook his head. “I can’t wish you good luck. But I can say that meeting you has been a great emotional experience. I know that after I go my work will be carried on by someone who understands me, who thinks like I do.”

  The door slammed and I signaled for the return of the other two men. I watched as they climbed in, then drove

  away.

  “What was all that about?” Bolivar asked.

  “He offered me the world. A partnership now, and the whole works after he was dead.” “You said yes?”

  “My dear son! I may be a crook but I’m not a criminal. It’s the Zapilotes in this universe who have to go. The little men with the big contempt for mankind. I may rob a man of his wealth but I would never take away his life or his freedom. In fact I don’t rob people of their wealth. I rob corporations, companies, those bloated and insensate creatures that lock up

  nllT. UPll

  172 The Stainless Steel Rat for President

  “Dad—I’ve heard the lecture.”

  “Right. Let’s get back to the castle. I want to wash my hands and get a drink. I don’t like the company I have just been keeping.”

  Chapter 31

  I was up at the crack of dawn on election day, breathing deeply of the morning air just as the sun popped over the horizon.

  “Aren’t we being energetic so early?” Angelina said, opening one eye to look at the clock, and not liking what she saw.

  “This is not the time for slugabeds! History is being made today—and I’m the one who is making it.”

  “I can’t face all that ego so early in the morning.” She pulled the blankets over her head. “Go away,” she muffled.

  I hummed happily to myself as I trotted down the stairs. The marqu6z was breaking his fast on the patio and I joined him there.

  “History is being made today,” he said.

  “I just said the same thing myself.” We raised our coffee

  cups and drank a toast to victory. Bolivar and James soon joined us, and by the time the polls opened at nine we were already in contact with our teams in the field.

  Within three minutes we had a dozen cries for help. Our poll watchers were being beaten up, two of them had been shot, and four fake voting registers had been discovered. I had expected no less. We did what we could, but our forces

  were small and thinly spread. And the decision had already been taken to concentrate our strength on the large cities. Our most important weapon was the oflworld newsmen. When word of the canceled and fraudulent election had gone out to the planets, great interest had been aroused. A few of the big planetary networks had sent their reporters, but most of them had not had the time to make the arrangements. Therefore most of the newsmen were freelancers, forty-three of them in all.

  “It’s working,” Bolivar said, as he finished a call on the radio. “That was the tenth precinct in Primoroso. We caught them packing the ballot box. One of the newsmen got it all on

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  tape and there is going to be a recount. We’re really lucky that so many newsmen came for this election.” “Luck, my son, is never a matter of chance.” I humbly averted my eyes. “There are forty-three freelance newsmen here because that was the most I could hire at short notice. Their fares have been paid, they are enjoying their holiday— and anything they may make by selling their material is found money.”

  “I should have known,” he said. “If there is any crooked

  way of getting a thing done my dad will think of it!” I slapped him on the shoulder and turned away, too filled with emotion to speak. Praise like this is more precious than pearls.

  By midaftemoon the fat was really in the fire. We were fighting a rearguard action and barely holding our own. In

  some of the smaller towns we knew that we had lost since Zapilote’s supporters had simply closed the polls at gunpoint and substituted their own stuffed boxes. We had to let them get away with it. It was the big population centers that counted and we were still managing to hold our own there. With any luck it might be a fairly honest ballot, with a final vote that represented the will of the people.

  As the reports came in the marquez began to grow more and more depressed. He cracked his knuckles pensively and shook his head in anger.

  “This is no way to go about it! We do nothing on our own! Our people just sit around looking at the wall until it is too late. Only after the illegal acts have been committed do they go into action. We can never win unless we hit them first and hit them hard. Why don’t we just shoot all the Zapilote supporters?”

  “My dear marquez, we have to win in the way we are doing it now. Otherwise it would not be a democratic election.” “I’m beginning not to like this democracy of yours. It is too much work. It is much easier to tell the peasants what to do. They like it that way. We know that you will make a better president than that piece of filth Zapilote. So let’s just make

  you president and let it go that.”

  I sighed deeply. Gonzales de Torres, the Marquez de la Rosa, had an attitude towards the world that went with his name. He would never understand the reality of democracy. I had to count upon his kindness and personal code of values to get his cooperation.

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  “I’ll explain some other time. Meanwhile we have to set up the automatic ballot box stuffers.” “The what?”

  “The machines that will return whatever vote we like in the districts we chose.”

  “You can do this? And if you can do it—why aren’t you doing it for all the districts and save a lot of time and effort?” “Because we must have what at least appears to be an honest election. If our new world starts corruptly it is going to go on being corrupt. However if we have to give it a little corrupt help I intend to keep that a secret from the electors. We want them to think that democracy works—and it will work after the election. So what we are doing is keeping track of every ballot box that has been rigged, stuffed or falsified in

  any way. And we are not interfering with the boxes themselves. ” “Then we will lose.”

  “No we will win. That - uaranteed in each of those districts. Because it is not tne boxes that will be interfered with—but the information about those boxes.”

  “You have lost me,” he said, then poured some ron into a glass. “This is said to help the mental processes.” “Well help mine too, thank you. It is really very simple. We are attaching one of these devices to the phone lines of each of the vote-counting officers in each of the affected districts. “