That, as you might very well realize, was that. Angelina and I, smiling happily, joined hands and turned our backs on the embracing couples, sat and began to discuss their wedding plans.

  It would be the grandest social occasion the Special Corps Prime Base had ever seen.

  I snapped my fingers at the robar, which produced a chilled bottle of sparkling wine, opened it dexterously with its two right hands, poured and passed us brimming glasses. We clinked and drank.

  “A toast,” I said, “Can you think of one?”

  “Of course. To the future newlyweds. And may their lives be filled with happiness.”

  “Like ours,” I said.

  “Of course.”

  We kissed and drank the toast. Over Angelina’s shoulder I could see the screen with the image of that monstrous black sphere.

  I turned my back on it, not wanting to spoil this memorable day. Still, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Neither could Angelina.

  “Do we have enough money in the bank to buy a cyclotron?” she asked.

  I nodded. “We could even afford a coal mine as well. Why do you ask?”

  “I was just thinking. What a wonderful and unusual wedding present we could give the newlyweds.

  Table of Contents

  CHAPTER 1

  Chapter 2

  CHAPTER 3

  CHAPTER 4

  CHAPTER 5

  CHAPTER 6

  Chapter 7

  CHAPTER 8

  CHAPTER 9

  CHAPTER 10

  CHAPTER 11

  CHAPTER l2

  CHAPTER 13

  CHAPTER 14

  CHAPTER 15

  CHAPTER 16

  CHAPTER 17

  CHAPTER 18

  CHAPTER 19

  CHAPTER 20

  CHAPTER 21

  CHAPTER 22

  CHAPTER 23

  CHAPTER 24

  CHAPTER 25

  CHAPTER 26

  CHAPTER 27

  CHAPTER 28

  CHAPTER 29

  The Stainless Steel Rat Joins the Circus

  XI of The Stainless Steel Rat

  Harry Harrison

  Tor (Sep 1999)

  * * *

  Tags: Fiction

  Slippery Jim DiGriz. The galaxy's greatest thief and con artist: the Stainless Steel Rat. For novel upon novel, Jim DiGriz has outfoxed the forces of conventionality, cutting a stylish swathe through dozens of star systems.

  Now, Slippery Jim and his beautiful wife Angelina find themselves becalmed on a painfully boring backwater planet, with nothing to do but practice their skills at computer crime.

  Then they meet a billionaire who claims to be 40,000 years old--who offers them millions of credits to investigate a string of unsolved interstellar bank robberies. Robberies which, it turns out, always happen when the circus is nearby. . . .

  In a sense, The Stainless Steel Rat has always been a high-wire performer. Now, as he infiltrates the world of the galactic big top, he's taking the role to extremes . . . and drawing the attention of more dangerous ringmasters and strongmen than he ever expected.

  Will this be his final show? Has Slippery Jim finally leapt for his last trapeze? Naaah.

  From Publishers Weekly

  Life is always full of adventure for Jim DiGriz, the master criminal known as The Stainless Steel Rat, but this time he may be in over his head. After taking a job infiltrating a suspicious circus on a four million credit a day retainer, DiGriz finds himself and his family bound up, literally at times, in a planet-wide swindle. Someone is robbing banks and other sources of wealth using The Rat's good name while he dutifully performs his magic act under the big top. Soon DiGriz is hunted by endless factions of the police, his son Bolivar is jailed, his wife Angelina kidnapped, his formerly benevolent employer is getting more sinister by the hour and worst of all, The Stainless Steel Rat is actually losing money! In true space marauder fashion DiGriz outwits his enemy at every turn, or does he? "The dark forces" are never far behind and as the trickery and malicious blackmail get out of hand. DiGriz wonders if he and Angelina are getting a bit too old for this. As the book progresses, readers will wonder how many got-yous Harrison (The Stainless Steel Rat Goes To Hell) can fit in a clown car but his prowess as a ring master will shine through. After jumping through some spectacular hoops in this romp, DiGriz may be tempted to retire but hopefully Harrison, who turns 74 this year and who began writing about the Stainless Steel Rat in the early 1960s, won't.

  Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.

  From Kirkus Reviews

  Following his frolic in Hell (The Stainless Steel Rat Goes to Hell, 1996), the eponymous Slippery Jim diGriz runs off to join the circus. Jim and his wife, the lovely and talented Angelina, are approached by Imperetrix ``Kaizi'' Von Kaiser-Czarski, the galaxys richest man (and, possibly, the oldestafter 40,000 years his memory's none too reliable). Kaizi's being robbed, systematically yet undetectably, and he's willing to pay four million credits per day (plus expenses) to catch the thief. Our slick duo's single clue: a circus was in town when each robbery occurred. It wasnt the same circus, but always on the bill was Puissanto, the Strongest Man in the Galaxy. To question him, Jim and Angelina must travel to the remote and uninviting planet Fetorr and its equally uninviting city of Fetorrscoria. Another splendid romp for Harrison's picaresque pair. -- Copyright ©1999, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved.

  The Stainless Steel Rat Joins the Circus

  Harry Harrison

  v1.0 28 February 2001

  ‘Set a thief to catch a thief’ goes the old saying.

  And when you are the richest man in the Universe and someone is systematically robbing your various banks blind you’d better set the best thief ever to catch your thief. After all, even at four million credits a day plus expenses, you can afford him. Enter Slippery Jim DiGriz.

  And that’s how it all began for Slippery Jim and his wife, the ever deadly Angelina; persuaded from a life of stockmarket dabbling and picnicking by the hover tanks, hard cash and outright flattery of undoubtedly the richest and probably the oldest man alive; Imperetrix Von KaserCzarski.

  It would have seemed rude to not take the job and after barely four weeks (at four million a day) of watching the latest in computers (courtesy of son James) sift through the available evidence Jim has his first lead Each time one of Kaiser Czarski’s banks is robbed there is a circus in town.

  And as Jim knows full well, you don’t find out about a circus by going to it. You join it…

  Harry Harrison has entertained, amused and captivated the readers of science fiction for more than a quarter of a century with the adventures of the Stainless Steel Rat. And now the universe’s most loveable master thief and con artist is about to find out that life is a three ring circus.

  The Stainless Steel Rat

  Joins the Circus

  CHAPTER 1

  “I’m exhausted,” Angelina said. “All this hammering away on a hot computer keyboard.”

  “Productive hammering, my love,” I said, pushing away my own keyboard, yawning and stretching until my joints cracked. “In a little under two hours we have made more than two hundred thousand credits through insider dealing in the stock exchange. Some might believe it illegal-but very profitable. I prefer to see it as a public service. To keep the money circulating, to lower the level of unemployment…”

  “Not now, Jim. I am too tired to listen.”

  “But not too tired to listen to this. Right now we need a complete change. What do you say to a picnic in a leafy dell in Sharwood Forest? With champagne.”

  “A lovely idea, but the shopping…”

  “Has been already done. I have a complete picnic, basket and all, in the stasis freezer. Everything from caviar to Roc’s eggs. We have but to sling it into the hoverfloat, along with plenty of bubbly drink, and let joy begin.”

  And so it did. While Angelina slipped into something picnicky, I slipped the picnic hamper into the hoverfloat-humming happily as I did so for we had been working too hard of late. We must escape the daily grind. A change of scenery. In the nearby forest, which was one of the few green spots on the painfully boring planet of Usti nad Labam. The landscape was all dark satanic techno-factories run by computer nerds. It was a pleasure to rob them. Using the most advanced hacking techniques I had slipped some software into the operating system of a prominent broker. With this I could slow their input of information by varying lengths of time. With this advance knowledge I could buy before a price rise-then sell at the higher price. Neat.

  A favor to them really, because when the scam was eventually discovered, I truly believe that the resultant news stories and jolly police chases would give them something to think about for a change. Instead of the incessant RAM, ROM, PROM. In our own way Angelina and I were benefactors, bringing joy into otherwise boring lives. The price was a small one for them. Infinitesimal. Angelina joined me and we were up, up and away.

  The engine roared forcefully, the air rushed by swiftly, and we held hands compassionately as our transport of delight soared skyward.

  “Wonderful,” Angelina breathed.

  “Merda,” I growled as a police warning bleeped and blinked on the console. There it was-a police cruiser swooping towards us. I stamped hard on the power.

  “Please don’t,” Angelina said, placing a gentle hand on my arm. “Let us not spoil the day with a sizzling chase. Could we just stop, smile at the police? Not you, me. All you have to do is pay the fine. I will charm the police, you pay their fine, and we will then go on.”

  It made sense. There was no point in spoiling our day out before it really started. I sighed dramatically and, with great reluctance, eased off.

  Our speed dropped.

  The police cruiser fired its nose guns at us.

  Things happened very quickly after that.

  I hit overdrive and pulled back hard into an inside loop. The police missed: I didn’t. I blew the cruiser’s tail off. Then I banked hard to avoid the hosing slugs from his wingman. As the police vehicle swooped by I saw that it had no windows. Therefore no occupants.

  “Robot policemen!” I chortled. “Therefore we don’t have to hold back and spare their lives. Because they have no lives! To the junkyard with the lot!”

  After that it was Old Home Week in the diGriz partnership. I climbed-then did a 5G dive to get away from the flock of police cruisers that had appeared all too suddenly. Hit the reverse drive when they were all on my tail. Angelina worked the armament and defenses as they zipped by and managed to get three of them. Even on the most peaceful planet I go not unarmed into the sky; our peaceful hoverfloat was a lot more deadly than it looked.

  But this chase was beginning to turn nasty. We were vastly outnumbered and outgunned. “And running out of ammo,” Angelina said, echoing my own thoughts.

  “Change of venue!” I shouted, dropping towards the green forest below. “Grab the survival kit and get ready for a bumpy landing.”

  I screeched low over a rock-tipped ridge, dived into the valley beyond-and braked to a hover under the trees below. Angelina had the door open as we juddered to a stop, the kit thrown out, and was diving right out behind it when I hit the twosecond-delay button. I was cutting it a little too close: the doorframe hit my bootheel as I went out. I changed the dive into a roll, hit the ground hard on my shoulders and thudded to a stop, all of the air knocked out of me.

  “My hero,” my dear wife said, patting my cheek and kissing my forehead. “Now let’s move it.”

  We did. Grabbing up the kit, she gracefully, and I haltingly, dived into the protection of the shrubbery.

  Meanwhile above the trees the battle roared as our faithful hoverfloat defended itself with all the robotic skill at its command. Alas, the fracas ended suddenly with a tremendous explosion.

  “End of champagne and caviar,” Angelina said, her voice so cold I felt my body temperature drop.

  “I’ll not contribute to the Policeman’s Ball this year.” I grimaced.

  She laughed warmly and squeezed my hand. And the old, cold deadly Angelina slipped away.

  “Let’s make tracks,” I said. “Before they discover that they were fighting the robot pilot.”

  “Let us not,” she said. “This is a nice big tree that we are under. It will shield us from visual observation, perhaps infrared imaging as well. If they suspect that we were not in the hoverfloat they could backtrack and look for us.”

  “Your logic is impeccable,” I said, rooting through the survival kit. Guns, grenades, all the necessities of life. “And to carry that logic a bit further-why were the police trying to shoot us up?”

  “I haven’t the foggiest. As far as the authorities know we are simple tourists who dabble in the market. Sometimes losing…”

  “Most times winning!”

  “What do you have there?” she asked as I pulled a silver form out from behind a belt of ammunition.

  “Jolly Barman Instant Cocktails. I bought a couple of these on sale.” I pulled the tab and two plastic beakers dropped into my hand. There was a hissing sound and the can turned cold in my hand; moisture condensed on it. I handed Angelina a beaker, poured it full of sparkling liquid. The gray scraps in the bottoms of the mugs were instantly reconstituted by the liquid to pieces of fruit. I poured another drink for myself and we sipped appreciatively.

  “Not too bad.” I smacked my lips and cudgeled my brain. “Those police were out to blast us-not arrest us. Are we missing something?”

  “Obviously. I think that we should get out of the forest now and see what we can find out about this mystery attack.”

  “We can’t exactly call the police and ask them why they were gunning for us-can we?”

  “We can’t. Therefore I will think of something more subtle. Call our son James and have him do a computer search of our problem. After all-he is in the computer business here and should know how to get information.”

  “An excellent idea. We can also have him come pick us up since it is a long walk home.”

  We finished the drinks and I shouldered the survival kit. There was no sound of aircraft now, just some distant birdcalls and the hum of insects. We moved through the trees, staying undercover, distancing ourselves from the action with the police fleet. We listened closely but there was no sound of any engines behind or above us. I smiled. Then I frowned when I heard the grumble of a motor up ahead.

  “Perhaps that is a sturdy forester, practicing his weald-wise trade,” I said hopefully.

  “Would that it were. Because whatever it is out there is coming closer. If they are looking for us, then I am forced to believe that all of this activity and attention is far too murderous for a simple traffic bust.”

  “Unhappily, I agree. They have made no attempt to communicate with us just came in blasting.”

  I looked on gloomily as she opened the survival kit and took out an immense handgun. “But let us not make it easy for them.”

  We didn’t. The armored police cruiser had its tracks blow off as it appeared. It kept firing at us even though it couldn’t move. We dived in close, so close it could not depress its guns to get at us. I jumped to the top of the tread, flipped open the top hatch and dropped a couple of sleep capsules. Then I looked carefully inside.

  “Highly interesting.” I rejoined Angelina on the ground. “Nobody home. Which means, like the cruisers that chased us, this thing is also robot operated and remotely controlled.”

  “By whom?”

  “By our new enemies, whoever they are.”

  Distant engines sounded from behind the trees and we slipped away in the opposite direction, deeper into the forest. Which did not do much good in the end because there were. now sounds of machines from ahead.

  “They have trackers on us-so there is no point in wearying ourselves by running about. We’ll stay here and make a stand. Get as many of these robot machines as we can.”

  “I thought that there were laws of robotics-about not killing or injuring humans.”

  “It looks like those laws were repealed. Lock and load here they come again!”

  I would have felt a certain compunction about killing a policeman, but I really did enjoy blasting police robots into tiny bits of junk. But it proved to be a no-win battle. Wherever we turned they were there ahead of us. Our ammunition dwindled as their numbers increased.

  “My last grenade,” Angelina said as she blasted a hovertank.

  “My last shot,” I said, taking out a robocycle. “It has been nice knowing you.”

  “Nonsense, Jim. You are not giving up, you never do, never will.”

  “You know that-but they don’t.” I stepped out into the clearing and waved my handkerchief, raised my palms in the air as I faced the circle of robot police. “Peace, pax, surrender. OK?”

  “No OK,” an armored robot said. It had sergeant’s stripes welded to its arm, and a sneering tone to its metallic voice.

  It raised a glowing muzzled flamethrower.

  I blew it away with a shot from my crotch cannon.

  Was this the end? Were we to be ground into the soil of this sordid planet at the galaxy’s edge?

  The tanks and robots and all the other military gear surrounded us, rumbled forward, weapons quivering with metallic malice. Angelina had her

  hand in mine. I contemplated one last attack, throwing myself onto our attackers in the vain hope that she might escape. Then, even as I tensed my muscles for a suicidal attack, a voice sounded out from among the trees.

  “You really are very good,” the dapper man said condescendingly as he stepped into the glade. Full evening dress, black cloak held by a diamond brooch, diamondcapped cane. This was too much. I heard a primitive, unsummoned growl grumble from the back of my throat as I fired what really was the very last shot from my crotch cannon.