my visit to the Presidio. Leaving out the gory bits and making it sound far more exciting than it really had been, which is the way to tell a story.

  “… after the phone call I just walked out of there and into the car. I took off and you know the rest of what happened then. We ended up here.”

  “Incredible!” de Torres gasped. “What formidable courage to go into that den of murderers like that.”

  “You would do the same for your son, wouldn’t you?” I asked.

  He nodded. “Of course. But I did not do it and you did. And what bravery to carry death at your fingertip. But is it not dangerous to travel to the planets, carrying this deadly virus with you …”

  He stopped and looked around at us as though we were all insane as my family burst into wild laughter, Angelina leaned forward and patted his hand to reassure him.

  “It is not you that we are laughing at, marquez, but at Zapilote. The best part of this is that my Jim would never kill

  anyone. He couldn’t carry through a plot like this if there were the slightest chance that even an animal like Zapilote might die by accident.” The marquez biinked in confusion. “I do not understand?” “There is no deadly virus. The fingernail was coated with a pyretogen and a neural anesthetic. One of them gave Zapilote a hieh fever, the other numbed his extremities. The effects of

  138 The Stainless Steel Rat for President

  both of these drugs wear off in about four hours. That’s why the deadline.” “But the doctor—the injection?”

  “Just sterile water. Now do you see the beauty of it all? It

  was just bluffl Not only is my husband the world’s greatest hero, but he is also the galaxy’s greatest con man and actor at the same time!”

  I lowered my head in false modesty. But what she had said was true and I did not find it too hard to take. It had been a long, hard day and so a little soothing of the ego was very much in order.

  Chapter 25

  I reluctantly spent a rather painful evening, since the effects of the neocain had to wear off before the doctor could treat

  my bruises and contusions. Afid broken ribs. Three of them had been fractured by the Colonel, and I sat there and cursed and thought evil thoughts about him while the medic shot bone rejuvenator into the rib marrow, then bound me up. When he was finally finished, a small shot of neocain and a large ron lacked me off to dreamland for some well-deserved rest.

  Angelina let me sleep late the next morning, and did not look in until I was taking my second cup of coffee from the bedside dispenser.

  “And how are we feeling today?” she asked cheerily.

  “I don’t know how we are feeling but I are feehng like I have been drawn through a knothole.”

  “Poor dear,” she said, brushing my tousled hair and kissing

  me lightly on the forehead. “The boys have prepared a surprise that should take your mind off your troubles. ” Even as she said this the door opened and James entered carrying a projection TV set. Bolivar was right behind him with the screen. I scowled with instant distrust.

  “I hate the box,” I animositied. “Particularly moronic morning cretin fodder.” Angelina patted my head soothingly.

  “There, there, mustn’t get irritated. It is not morning TV because it is no longer morning but early afternoon. The traditional time on this planet for the big midday meal. Which is also traditionally followed by the news broadcast watched by almost everyone as they relax, comatose, fingers laced over distended stomach. “

  “My fingers are clutched to my starving stomach. And I hate news broadcasts.”

  “Here comes the maid with your nine-course breakfast,” Bolivar said, stepping aside so the laden table could pass.

  139

  140 The Stainless Steel Rat for President

  “And this is no normal broadcast either. After the trap that

  was laid for us outside of the Broadcasting Center we can be pretty sure that we were backtracked. Which means that the dummy interrupters were surely found. But James ran a circuit check last night and the real interrupters are still in place. It took us most of the night to get the tape ready—but

  we think that you will really enjoy the news today.” “I will, I will,” I enthused through a mouth full of food. “And I take back all of my earlier, surlier suggestions. I should have known. Angelina my love, sit beside me and help yourself to a chop and we will enjoy the show together.” The program that preceded the news was just ending as I ended my meal. It was a romantic opera of the kind that mental cripples are said to enjoy, with all kinds of fat people singing into each others faces, clumsy stabbings with collapsible swords followed by hearty songs from the death bed. Happily it ended just as I was reaching for something to throw at the set. A series of repulsive commercials followed, of which only the ron advertisement was bearable, all dewy glasses and clinking ice cubes. But even the most dreadful commercial must come to its sodden end. An off-key fanfare heralded the news and a smart-looking girl swam into focus.

  “Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. This is the afternoon news that is brought to you every day at this time. We have been getting reports from the capital that GeneralPresident Zapilote is feeling much better after the mild attack of food poisoning he suffered yesterday. Dear GeneralPresident, all of us here, and I know all of you out there, join in wishing you the speedy of speediest of speedy recoveries…”

  At this point James pressed the button on the radio-control box he was carrying. The screen shimmered for a second and the girl was replaced by a photograph of me, complete with beard, waving enthusiastically and flashing pearly teeth. The marqu6i stood at my shoulder. A woman’s voice continued the narration—but not that of the previous speaker. I recognized Angelina’s voice in an instant and gave her hand a

  squeeze.

  “But let us not dwell on the psychosomatic illnesses of this sordid little dictator, let us instead meet the noble man who will be our next president. I refer to none other than Sir Hector Harapo, shown here with the vicepresident to be, the Marqu6z de la Rosa. “These handsome and noble gentle-The Stainless Steel Rat for President ‘ 141

  men have just held their first election rally in Puerto Azul. It was an enormous success despite the attempts ofZapilote’s corrupt police force to prevent it. The first attempt occurred …” It was a snappy production and I enjoyed every moment of it. All the film had been edited to show the opposition in the worst possible light, while our team were unto gods. I clapped enthusiastically when it came to the end.

  “Well done! My congratulations to you all. And I would

  pay a thousand credits to see the expression on that poxy dictator’s face at this very moment! But enough. Having finished the first part of the campaign we must look forward to the final stages. We have three months until election day and every moment must be taken up with bringing our message to the people.”

  “Without any of us getting shot or blown up,” Angelina said firmly.

  “I could not agree more. But our message must be carried by the news media, and I would welcome suggestions on how that will be done. We can assume that our little TV tap is now being tracked down and destroyed. Once they find out what

  we have done our chances of fixing any other interrupters into their circuitry are less than zero. But we must have access to the news media or we have lost the election in advance. Any suggestions?”

  “The answer seems fairly obvious,” Angelina said. “You must interrupt the broadcasting circuitry at the most vulnerable point, which is at the same time the most inaccessible point. If you understand what I mean.”

  “I don’t understand,” I admitted unhappily. “I must have been hit on the head once too often yesterday.” “Morn’s right!” James said; he had not been hit on the head at all, so was therefore far ahead of me and Bolivar who was also blinking in a concussed manner. “We put the interrupters into the satellites themselves!”

  Yes, the answer was hideously obvious and I should have guessed; I pouted unnoticed in the corner as James rattled on enthusiastically.

  “The next step then must be a major effort to find out more about the satellites …”

  “Already done,” Angelina said brightly. “There is a company named Radiodifundir SA that is located at the spaceport near Puerto Azul. They service the communication and weather satellites for the government. They are a small com—

  142 ‘ The Stainless Steel Rat for President

  pany, so small that all of their work is done by a single and ancient spacetug that has been modified for satellite work.” Warm smiles greeted this bit of information, and we all beamed enthusiastically at one another. Being of the same mind and possessed by the same idea. I expressed the thought that was on all our lips.

  “It couldn’t be that this is the only ship on this planet that

  can do this kind of work?”

  “Not only could it be—it certainly is! If this ship, the Populacho, was out of action it would be some months at least before another could be found, modified and brought here.” I rubbed my hands together in anticipation. “The next step is painfully clear. Relay units .must be constructed, designed for installation on each satellite. They must be self-powered and will operate when they receive our coded signal. In that manner we can give all the listeners and viewers an unbiased view of the news every day. The ship, the Populacho, must be pressed into our service to enable us to install the devices. After which it must be rendered, shall we say, ‘unfit’ for awhile. At least until the election is over. Can anyone fault this plan?”

  “I can’t,” Angelina said. “But I have one additional suggestion. We are fighting this election in the name of democracy so we must begin acting by the democratic rules we profess to believe in. We must not repeat what we did tonight, cancelling their news program and substituting our own. Democracy means free speech. We must allow them to broadcast, then follow with our own news. The public must be given a choice. People must be allowed to make their own minds up.”

  “Is that wise?” I asked. “Can they be trusted?” “Yes, it is wise, my dear husband, though you might not think so. Your personal beliefs fall somewhere between fascism and anarchy. Of the two I favor the anarchy. But given a wider choice I would settle for democracy. All in favor?” The boys raised their hands and I scowled.

  “The ayes have it. We will now plan to commit a crime in the name of the greater good of democracy. ” “Who’s the fascist-anarchist now?” I growled.

  “Not us,” Angelina smiled in sweet answer. “We’re just pragmatists. Our hearts are pure and our motives of the best. And the results of our actions will be for the greater good of all.”

  TL.>> C1I:>>

  iii Jltiiiiicaa JICCI i
  “Say that to the owners of the Populacho,” I snarled, “when they find their spaceship at the bottom of a smoking crater. “

  But she was unflappable. “They will get recompense from their insurers and buy a new and better ship. Isn’t that what

  you always say?”

  There was of course no answer to that other than to bite savagely into a piece of toast. But even as I chewed I smiled. “You are a fine crew and I cannot argue with you. Now let us extremely honest, democratic republicans, staunch upholders

  of law and order, begin planning our crime of spaceship nlcfrltrior

  Chapter 26

  “How does it look?” I said, leaning out of the car window and calling up to Bolivar who sat on the roof above me with the high-power binoculars.

  “They’re sealing the loading hatch now, so they should be ready for takeoff soon. Wait—yes—one of the crew has just

  come down and disconnected the power leads, which means that the ship is on internal power. The ground crew is driving

  away. ” “Perfect. Get into the car and we go into action.” He hit the pavement and bounced into the front seat. Bolivar put the car into motion the instant the door was closed. I sat in the back and admired Angelina, sitting at my side, clearly visible as soon as we had pulled out of the darkness of the hangar into the glare of the spaceport lights.

  “You’re adorable! I just love your kinky white nurse’s outfit. If only you had brought a white whip with you.” “Do you really like it?” she asked, ignoring the crude flagellation funny. ‘The skirt isn’t too short?”

  “Very short—and very nice,” I said, patting the neat turn of white thigh between skirt and knee. “The idea is to distract these people while we work our will upon them. And you are the most distracting thing on this planet.”

  “You’re not to shabby yourself with that uniform and curly moustache.”

  I twisted the ends of this hirsute object, then gave the rows of medals on my chest ajingle, “Everyone respects authority. So the more authoritarian you look the more respect you get. All right team, here we are. Operation Medico will now swing into action.”

  We climbed from the car at the foot of the gangway and I led the way up to the entrance, light gloaming from my high-peaked cap and pristine uniform. Nurse Angelina followed and the boys brought up the rear, white-suited and

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  The Stainless Steel Rat for President 145

  lugging a great white case. The crewman, on guard at the ship’s airlock, gaped in appreciation, then grew resolute and barred our way.

  “You can’t go in here. Due for takeoff in a couple of minutes.”

  I looked him up and down slowly with the same expression on my face that would have been there if he had just wriggled out from under a flat rock. As a worried look crossed his features I took out a scroll and let it drop open before him. It was covered with fine black and red printing and sealed with a great gold seal. My voice was most stern.

  “Do you see this? It is a quarantine document issued by the Board of Health. There is a medical emergency and you will take me to your captain at once. Now—lead the way.” He led. It had really been quite easy. As soon as a turn in the corridor blocked any view he might have had of Bolivar and James, they sealed the airlock behind us. The captain looked up, shocked, when we entered the control room. “What is going on here! Get out at once …” “You are Captain Ciego de Avila. I have here a quarantine notice from the Board of Health. Your men must be examined before this ship can leave.”

  “What are those morons in Primoroso trying to do to mel” he protested. “My schedule, do they ever think of that? I have a launch window coming up in less than thirty minutes.” “You will launch on time, I guarantee you. For our sake as well as yours.” How true! “We are trying to contain an outbreak of a rare disease brought here from another planet. Perrotonitis..,” “I’ve never heard of that. “

  “That shows you how rare it is. The first symptoms are fever, slavering and growling like a dog. We have reason to believe that one of your crew is infected. ” “Which one?”

  “That one,” I said pointing at the crewman who had led us here. He whinnied and shied away. “Nurse, examine bis throat. “

  He reluctantly opened his mouth and Angelina pushed down his tongue with a wooden depressor. “His throat is very irritated,” she said.

  “I’m not sick!” the man wailed, saliva forming at the corners of his mouth as he spoke. He wiped it away with the hot

  146 The Stainless Steel Rat for President

  skin of his hand. “Not sick …” he growled—then barked twice.

  “He has it!” I shouted. “He’ll be wagging his tail next! Grab him men and I’ll administer the cure!”

  Barking and yapping, with Bolivar hanging from one arm and James from the other, he was immobilized so I could give him the injection. Which not only knocked him out but neutralized the reactive agents that he had absorbed through the mucous membranes in his mouth—put there by the tongue depressor.

  “Caught in time,” I said, looking down at the unconscious body while I put the hypodermic back into its case. “He will

  recover after he regains consciousness. Now, Captain, order the rest of your crew here at once for examination. If it is done quickly you will make your launch on time.” It was done quickly. Within five minutes most of the crew had developed symptoms and were stretched unconscious on the deck. It was not by chance that only a skeleton engine and control room crew remained. I nodded approval, then took out a large pistol and pointed it at the captain. “I am now taking over your ship. Long live the revolution!” “You can’t do this—you’re mad!”

  “No we are not mad, just incredibly vicious. We represent the Black Friday-afternoon Revolutionary Party and we will kill you to make you free. We fear nothing. You will operate this ship in its normal manner or we will murder your crew

  one by one until you agree to cooperate.” “You’re all nut cases! I’m calling the police , . .” He reached for the radio but I moved faster. Seizing him by the arms and spinning him about. “Kill the first one,” I called out.

  “Freedom and liberty!” Bolivar shouted as he pulled a large butcher knife out from under his jacket. He leaped upon the unconscious figure at the far end of the row, kneeling on the man’s chest.

  Then he bent forward and cut the man’s throat with a single vicious swipe of the sharp knife. There was a gurgling

  cry as the blood spurted out of the awful wound. It was very realistic.

  “Take the body away!” I shouted, and turned back to the captain. If I had been impressed—even though I knew that the flesh-colored apparatus filled with blood had been fixed to the front of the man’s neck, that the shriek came from an

  The Stainless Steel Rat for President 147

  apparatus in the knife—well, you can imagine the effect this had on the captain. He staggered and the blood drained from his space-tanned face. I had made my point.

  There were no problems after that. Both captain and crew cooperated to the best of their ability. We cleared for takeoff with spaceport control and lifted into orbit. As we were jockeying into position near the first satellite, the boys opened the crate and extracted one of the self-powered interrupters. I had been studying the wiring diagram of the satellite and had pinpointed the place where it should be connected. The wire leads were color-coded; there would be no problems. “I’ll suit up now,” I said.