A freshly prepared omelet can be a song for the spirit comparable only to the music of the fakir’s flute that seduces the serpent to rise from its basket, erect and powerful. In the streets of India, from a prudent distance, I watched several of these cobra charmers and always thought: If they have all that power with a snake, what might they not arouse with their music? Perhaps that is why male tourists of a certain age offer special tips to have the charmers play for them. (I don’t know why this reminds me of the lighthouse of San Francisco. Every time fog is predicted, a number of men wander over to the lighthouse, because when the lugubrious horn begins to sound to warn ships of danger, the vibration awakens the visitors’ libidos). But let’s get back to our perfect aphrodisiac omelet.

  The Empress’s Omelet

  For two people in love, you need 5 eggs, fresh from the nest of a virgin hen, salt and pepper, fresh country butter, chopped chives, 4 fine but succulent slices of Norwegian smoked salmon, 1/2 cup of beluga caviar, if possible from the Baltic Sea, 2 teaspoons sour cream, and, of course, toast. Ever so delicately, break the eggs into a fine porcelain bowl—porcelain for reasons of elegance, nothing more—and beat lightly, adding salt and pepper. Warm the butter in the omelet pan sacred to every good cook, and as soon as the butter begins to turn the tint of warm Caribbean skin, pour in the eggs. When the omelet is half cooked on the bottom, loosen it with infinite gentleness, whispering encouragingly, because if you are rough, it will lose its enchanting disposition; add the chives and salmon and fold it over, exactly as you would close a book. To free it entirely, experts move the skillet back and forth with the pulsing syncopation of a good dancer and then, with a sudden flip of the wrist, toss it up in the air and catch it, now reversed, so it will cook to a golden brown on both sides—although I admit that every time I’ve tried that move, the omelet has landed on my head. These gyrations are pure exhibitionism, because when you make an omelet, as when you make love, affection counts for more than technique. Serve your omelet on your most beautiful plates, already warmed in the oven. Spoon on the caviar, and beside this triumph place the sour cream and warm toast. After a night of passion, this is the breakfast indicated for making love, no holds barred, the rest of the day.

  Forbidden Fruits

  In erotic literature, oral sex sometimes is called “forbidden fruits,” but it is not my purpose here to analyze the incongruencies of language and prudery. It’s enough to recommend as stupendous aphrodisiacs both forbidden fruits and others considered to be respectable, which we will enumerate for purposes of pure overkill.

  Almond In mythology, the almond emerges from the vulva of the goddess Cybele, but I don’t see that as cause for alarm. Almond, milk, honey . . . Do they not evoke The Thousand and One Nights and The Song of Songs? The almond is associated with passion and fertility and is the most sensual component of Arabic pastry making. In Italy it is used as a medicine and tonic for amours, which may be the origin of the custom of offering almonds before a meal with cocktails. Their aroma, penetrating, persistent, sometimes slightly bitter, is supposed to excite women and therefore is cherished in creams, soaps, and massage lotions.

  Apple The symbol of temptation.

  And the Lord God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat; But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it; for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shall surely die. —Genesis 2:16–17

  But the serpent convinced the woman, and she, in turn, her companion, and both ate “thereof,” and so began the problems of the human couple. The Bible does not say, however, that the fruit was an apple. We must suppose that the fathers of the church—celibate and misogynist—chose the apple as the forbidden fruit because when cut in half its seeds appear arranged in the shape of a vulva, a part of her anatomy the wicked Eve used to tempt that virtuous Adam. Later in history, the Shulamite sings to Solomon: “Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples; for I am sick of [from] love.” (The Song of Solomon 2:5)

  At any rate, the fame of the apple in the duel of love is universal. It is used in many magic potions, philters, and enchantments. The liquors of the apple, such as calvados and cider, are stimulating and thought to rejuvenate.

  Avocado In some parts of the world, the avocado is considered a vegetable, but in fact it is a fruit the Aztecs called ahuacatl, which means “testicle.” It is, nevertheless, a “feminine” fruit, with soft texture and delicate taste that more often evoke sensuality in women than in men. It was taken to Europe by Spanish conquistadors, who were responsible for spreading its fame as a stimulant—so effectively that in the confessional Catholic priests forbade it to their parishioners. It has so many calories that I prefer to use it to decorate plates, for facials, and for an occasional mischievous game.

  Banana Associated with erotic energy in the Tantric tradition and the phallic symbol par excellence, although I don’t know what man would like having his yellow, and with spots. I think that as an aphrodisiac it has nothing to offer but its shape, although that’s better than nothing.

  Cherry In more innocent times, in the United States, jocks in locker rooms would boast of making it with the blondest cheerleader by saying he’d “gotten her cherry,” which was his way of saying he was the first to break her hymen. Today he would be considered a nerd. We have come a long way, baby.

  Coconut In India it is thought to increase the quality and quantity of semen and to cure illnesses of the urinary tract. Stimulating properties are attributed to a drink confected of coconut milk, honey, and spices, but it may be the spices, more than the coconut, that are responsible for the effect.

  Dates Rich in vitamins and calories; a handful is equivalent to an entire meal. The date provides energy and increases erotic potency in men and coquetry in women, more than enough reason to make it a staple of the diet of Africa and the Mideast, where it is always found in the saddlebags of camel caravans crossing the desert. With the fermented juice from the crown of the date palm, an aphrodisiac liquor called palm wine is brewed.

  Figs In ancient Greece this fruit was one of the sacred foods associated with fertility and physical love. In China it was given to sweethearts, and in Europe it is considered aphrodisiac because of its shape and color; in some places female genitals are called figs, while in other parts of the world fig is a term for homosexuals.

  Grape No self-respecting orgy can do without grapes, the fruit associated with pleasure, fertility, Dionysus, Priapus, Bacchus, and merry gods in all traditions, because wine is made from the grape, and without wine any attempt at an orgy turns into collective boredom.

  Pêches, painting by Man Ray, Man Ray Trust, New York, © 1997 Artists Rights Society (ARS), New York/ADAGP, Paris.

  Mango Like so many tropical fruits, this one has an intense fragrance and flavor. Its orangeish pulp, rich in vitamins, is the base for many dishes in Asia and Polynesia, where it is considered a male food because of its resemblance to a testicle (given the size of mangos, a bit of an exaggeration).

  Peach and apricot Perhaps the most sensual of all fruits, for their delectable perfume, soft and juicy texture, and flesh color, an eloquent representation of the female private parts. The peach is a native of China, where it has been cultivated for more than two thousand years. Shakespeare knew its magical reputation, and in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, the fairies use it as an aphrodisiac.

  Pear Favorite of erotic art for its feminine shape, it contains vitamins and iodine. A salad of pear spears, fresh watercress, and nuts is an interesting way to begin a lovers’ meal, among other reasons, because it can be eaten with the fingers and has a delicious fragrance.

  Pistachio A small fruit very popular in all of Asia and mentioned in the Bible and in Persian and Arab writings. With true perseverance, women of the harems consumed honey cakes with pistachios to maintain their fleshy bodies and dimples, which in those days were appetizing and today, sadly, are only fat and cellulite.

  Plum Like the peach, used in Chinese art as a symbol for a woman’s intimate parts.

  Even though I have forgotten her

  I continue to eat

  plum after plum. . . .

  —Haiku, James Tipton

  Pomegranate Brought to Europe during Arab invasions. In some erotic texts of the East, the pomegranate is accorded aphrodisiac virtues and associated with ceremonies of fertility, thence the tradition of using the seeds at nuptial festivities as rice is used in the West. In Greece it is, like grapes and figs, a ceremonial fruit of Dionysian rites.

  Quince Along with the apple and the pomegranate, the symbolic fruit of Aphrodite, the goddess of sexual ecstasy and youth.

  Strawberry and raspberry Delicate fruit nipples that in the code of eroticism invite love. They are the ideal complement to champagne in courtship rituals, as noted by the beautiful and frivolous Pauline Bonaparte.

  I know what you are thinking, dear reader: Why this interminable list? Can’t this woman just sum things up in a single “and so forth”? No, no I can’t. You may skip the list if that’s what you want to do, but scientific rigor obliges me to be exhaustive. If someday this book is published, I intend to claim the reputation of being the foremost authority on aphrodisiacs in the world. People will come from all corners of the globe to consult with me, and if widowed, I will not want for suitors.

  Other Delicious Aphrodisiacs

  Coffee (Coffea arabica, Coffea liberica, Coffea robusta, and other varieties) Properly listed among herbs and spices; however, I believe that, like chocolate, coffee deserves a chapter of its own. Stimulating due to its caffeine, a powerful alkaloid, which is why Mormons—who also do not consume alcohol—do not drink it. On the other hand, in many Muslim countries, particularly Arab nations, where the Koran forbids alcohol and other stimulants, coffee is de rigueur. For those of us who suffer the vice, we cannot face life before the first morning fix. Any aphrodisiac factor is doubtful. In the United States, fanaticism has risen to such a level that awning-covered carts selling espresso are multiplying on every street corner, yet the libido of Americans is not especially notable. So sophisticated has the coffee trade become that a special idiom has developed around it, much like the ancient language of flowers. My favorite is Cap-large-decaf-soy-nonfat-wet-cin-choc, a name recited in a single breath and which means: a large decaffeinated cappuccino with no-fat soy milk, half milk, half foam, with cinnamon and chocolate. To an Italian, inventors of the cappuccino, this is, of course, heresy.

  Tea Known in India and China for several centuries before Christ, first as a medicine and then as a refreshing drink, tea did not arrive in Europe until the beginnings of the sixteenth century, brought by Portuguese merchants from India in 1530. By the eighteenth century it was a common drink in England, where Thomas Twining began selling it by weight. Twinings of London, and the custom of drinking this brew at five o’clock in the afternoon, exist in that country to the present day. In 1773 North American colonists threw bundles of tea into the harbor as a protest against taxes and lack of political guarantees, thus beginning the United States War of Independence against England. From that time on, North Americans have drunk little tea (and they prefer it iced).

  Tea is cultivated primarily in the warm, humid climates of Asia, and there are countless varieties, whose aphrodisiac value depends on the faith of the imbiber. Chai, tea brewed with spices, milk, and lots of sugar, is popular in India, while in Russia tea is drunk (in a glass, never a cup) with lemon and sugar and, in winter, a shot of brandy or vodka. The refined tea ceremony of Japan, chanoyu, is considered a choreographed art and a form of meditation in accord with the principles of Zen: harmony, respect, purity, and tranquility. These four principles, in apparent contradiction to sensuality, can come to be the essence of sensuality itself, but for that to happen it is necessary to travel twice the complete path of the senses.

  Chocolate Contains theobroma, “fruit of the gods.” Whoever said that chocolate is not one of the fundamentals of the human diet? To me it seems more nutritional than beans and broccoli, to mention only two. Chocolate was the sacred drink of the Aztecs, related to a goddess of fertility, Xochiquetzal, and consumed only by nobility. The cruel conqueror of Mexico, Hernán Cortés, tasted it first in the court of the emperor Moctezuma and shortly thereafter introduced it into Spain, where its fame as an aphrodisiac was so great that women drank it in secret. It is as addictive and stimulating as coffee—because of the alkaloid theobromine—but it is also symbolic in rituals of romantic courtship. What woman has not seen her defenses crumble before a box of chocolates? The taste, so popular in Europe and America, is not equally appreciated in Asia and Africa. On a trip to the interior of India I could not find chocolate and suffered such tortures of privation that now I understand the trauma of drug addicts.

  Honey The nectar of Aphrodite, golden treasure of the earth drawn from the soul of flowers and the labor of bees, honey served to sweeten life long before the discovery of sugar. Its taste and aroma depend upon the flowers from which the winged toilers have sipped. Honey’s reputation as an aphrodisiac is extensive: bride and groom go on a “honeymoon,” and in many cultures honey is part of the wedding ceremony and banquet. Its high vitamins B and C content, and the minerals in the pollen, stimulate the production of sex hormones. It instantly revives exhausted lovers, because the body absorbs it in minimal time. Avicenna, the celebrated Arab physician, whose prescriptions were used for several centuries during the Middle Ages, recommends honey and ginger to cure impotence. Honey is used in the preparation of sensual sweets, mixed with nuts, coconut, camel or goat’s milk, eggs, spices, and so on. It is thought that the saliva of the beautiful houris of Allah’s Paradise, as well as female secretions during certain days of the menstrual cycle, taste of honey. Attila, who believed steadfastly in its stimulating power, drank so much mead on the day of his wedding that he died of cardiac arrest, to the jubilation of his enemies and possibly his bride. King Solomon sings to his beloved, “Thy lips, O my spouse, drop as the honeycomb; honey and milk are under thy tongue, and the smell of your garments is like the smell of Lebanon.” (The Song of Solomon 4:11)

  If it hasn’t already occurred to you, here is a fact: warm honey on your body lends itself to many exotic games. Cleopatra liked to apply a mixture of honey and ground almonds to beautify her skin. Julius Caesar and Mark Antony grew fat at her side not only because they had deserted the rude life of the barracks for the languid pleasures of the Egyptian court, but because they grew so fond of licking dessert from the intimate goblet of that seductive queen.

  Nouvelle Cuisine

  The latest culinary mode is nouvelle cuisine, which has very little new about it, since it uses the same ingredients that have always been used, only in more ethnic combinations, as a chef in New York defined it to me. I suppose he was referring to Asian and Latin American influences, ignored until only recently in most of Europe and North America. This cuisine is also lighter, with less fat and fewer calories, and the portions are smaller—although they cost more because they require decoration. My mother always says that if it looks too good, you can be sure that someone has put his fingers in it. If we served nouvelle cuisine at home, it would give the deplorable impression that there wasn’t enough food to go around.

  Bodegon de Palenque, painting by Ana Mercedes Hoyos, 1989, Christie’s Images, New York.

  I don’t trust these modern restaurants where the waiter—an athlete with pirate rings in his ears and tattoos on his hands—introduces himself by his given name and treats me as if I wanted to sell him a Bible. It’s a sure thing that here I will be served nouvelle cuisine. If I don’t have the option of escaping, I am faced with an exhaustive menu on which each dish is described in the pedantic language of an aspiring literary critic. Usually I choose the least expensive thing on the menu, with the hope that it will also be the simplest, but invariably I am served the creation of a psychotic. My humble fish comes disguised as a hat, and when I lift away the carrot fringe, celery feathers, petals of flowers, and onion veil, there’s very little trout beneath. It seems a shame to wreck such a work of art, and when finally I decide to sink my fork into it, the whole thing falls apart and a radish in the shape of a bee lands in my lap. I am left with the sensation of not having eaten enough and having paid too much. It isn’t like a Basque inn or Mexican taco shop, where for a modest price you are stupefied for four or five days.

  Nouvelle cuisine can be interesting, but when it comes to food—and men as well—I prefer more robust flavors and a simpler appearance, like an honest fish that is not ashamed of its nakedness. It’s true, I do want it dead. I am horrified by food that moves, which is why I avoid gelatin and oysters, but this is a mania I must combat: many animals in the aphrodisiac recipe file are barely more than swooning when brought to the table. Once in a Scandinavian restaurant I was served a sea serpent—eel, I think they called the poor thing—that suffered a brief attack of epilepsy when I tried to cut it. I let out a screech, and the waiter, who at that instant was serving the wine, dropped the bottle. The ideal is for your food to be good and dead but to have avoided rigor mortis. And no eyes, please, even if they’re closed. There’s nothing so horrifying as the entreating gaze of a whole animal on a tray. Since they’ve gone to all the work of killing it, why not cut off its head in the bargain?

  My objections to tomatoes turned into roses, potatoes disguised as nightingales, and other euphemisms of nouvelle cuisine do not mean that I have a taste for dishes that look like prison mush, the kind of gruel I had in the English school where I acquired my characteristic stoic stomach, or that I like the brutish offerings of peasant origins. Those roast pigs in Spain with an apple in their snout and a sprig of parsley up their ass deserve a requiem mass. It’s sin enough to kill animals; there’s no need to humiliate them on top of it.