Chilean Salad

  Very simply prepared with two aphrodisiac vegetables: tomato and onion.

  Ingredients

  2 medium onions

  Vinegar

  3 tomatoes

  Red or green chili pepper to taste (ají verde in Chile)

  Salt, pepper, and oil, to taste

  2 sprigs fresh parsley

  Preparation

  Mince the onions and steep them in hot water and vinegar for 30 minutes. Pour off the liquid and dry the onions on paper towels. Peel the tomatoes and cut them into lengthwise spears. Mince the chili pepper and mix with the onions and tomatoes. Dress with salt, pepper, and oil. Sprinkle with parsley.

  Celery Salad

  Ingredients

  1/2 cup golden raisins

  1 cup tea

  4 stalks celery, strings removed

  1 green apple

  1 teaspoon lemon juice

  1 small avocado

  1/2 cup sliced almonds, toasted

  1/2 cup mayonnaise

  Salt (optional)

  Preparation

  Soak the raisins in the tea. Drain and dry. Chop the celery and chill in cold water for 30 minutes. Drain. Peel and dice the apple. Sprinkle with the lemon juice to keep from turning dark. Peel the avocado and cut it into small pieces. Stir all the ingredients together. Check for seasoning and add salt if desired.

  Main Courses

  Kama-Sutra . . . Well, More or Less!

  This is the moment

  when we get into some serious cooking.

  Don’t be afraid.

  No one’s perfect—even the best cooks

  make mistakes. What matters

  is never to admit it.

  I have vast experience in culinary catastrophes,

  and I can offer practical suggestions

  that Panchita would never approve of.

  Her watchword is impeccable

  and honest execution; mine is creative bungling.

  Try to steer a course

  between these two extremes, at the

  level of your talent.

  The Nature of Regret, painting by Martin Maddox, 1992.

  In amorous relations there are several preambles, beginning with the first blast of the pheromones passing from the nose to the brain, transmitting the urgent call of the species, and culminating with the skirmishes of teenagers in the backseat of a car, where just when they abandon all caution, prepared to plunge into the abyss of unleashed lust, a policeman appears with a flashlight to douse the flames. Later in life, the same ceremonies of pairing are played out in a manner not unlike the ritual courtship dance of the flamingo. These warm-ups no longer take place in the backseat of a car but behind the office copy machine. As a general rule, the man moves as fast as circumstances allow, but if he possesses a lick of intelligence and good breeding, he will prolong the preambles in his bid to win his companion (the female of the species is rather ticklish on this point). This is the advice the author of the Perfumed Garden gives the Grand Vizier of Tunis:

  Know, O Vizier (God’s mercy be with you!), that if you wish to experience an agreeable copulation, one that gives equal satisfaction and pleasure to both parties, it is necessary to frolic with the woman and excite her with nibblings, kissings, and caressing. Turn her over in the bed, sometimes on her back, sometimes on her belly, until you see by her eyes that the moment of pleasure has arrived. . . .

  The equivalent in cuisine of this foreplay in bed is hors d’oeuvres, soups, and appetizers. In Italy it would also be pasta, and in Spain their succulent tapas, including a kind of potato and sausage omelet that they consider a prelude, not a performance. Nevertheless, once executed, the steps in the dance of the flamingo that lead lovers to the point of no return is the moment the true talents of either lover or chef will be demonstrated. Erotic manuals devote 90 percent of their practical advice to foreplay and draw a lace curtain over what follows—not for reasons of discretion but because once that final threshold has been crossed, the floodgates of passion are irreversibly opened and there is no handbook that will be of help. Frankly, I know few people able to make love as they consult the instruction manual beside their pillow.

  This is how Pablo Neruda describes sensual climax in a sonnet:

  . . . and the genital fires transformed into pleasure

  race along the narrow highways of the blood,

  bursting open like a carnation of the night,

  in the darkness, fading and not fading to a ray of light.

  In the kitchen, the equivalent of Neruda’s “genital fires transformed into pleasure” is the main course. As the orgasm is the culmination of lovemaking, the supreme moment of the hymn to the species, so the main course is the ne plus ultra of a luncheon or dinner. What comes before and after are delightful complements, a necessary part of the liturgy of the table, but only in the main dish does one test the mettle of the cook. I refer to one dish, for even though a banquet tends to feature more than one Homeric offering, these are erotic recipes, and we have already indicated that with a full stomach, no Casanova in the world is worth his salt.

  Unless otherwise indicated, these recipes serve two lovers with a hearty appetite, and sometimes there’s enough to stoke the fires at dawn.

  Fruits of the Sea

  Conger Eel De La Caleta

  Conger is a sea eel with very fine white flesh. It can be baked in the oven very simply with butter, a lot of lemon, and a little salt. In Chile the conger is eaten in soup (Conger Chowder), dredged in flour and fried, or steamed and served with a variety of sauces, either cold or hot. If you buy the whole eel, ask the fishmonger to skin it and cut off the head and tail, which can be used to make a fumet (see comments on stocks in the section on soups), an indispensable base for a good sauce.

  Ingredients

  1 pound cleaned conger

  1 onion, thinly sliced

  1/2 tablespoon red pepper

  1/2 cup vegetable oil

  1/2 cup white wine

  Juice of 1 lemon

  Salt and pepper to taste

  1 tablespoon butter

  1/4 cup grated cheese

  1 tablespoon minced parsley

  Preparation

  Wash the eel, divide it into pieces, and pat dry. In a heavy baking pan or casserole, sauté the onion and red pepper in the oil for 5 minutes. Add the eel, wine, lemon juice, salt, and pepper. Bake in a hot oven for 10 minutes. Remove from the oven, dot with butter, and sprinkle with the cheese and parsley. Baste in the pan juices, return to the oven, and cook 5 minutes more. Let sit for a few minutes before serving to allow the flavors to blend. Serve with boiled potatoes and parsley.

  Seafood Newburg

  This dish can be prepared with eel, corbina, trout, sea bass, or any fine-fleshed fish. With this recipe you can also use leftover cooked fish.

  Ingredients

  2 white fish fillets

  1 tablespoon butter

  1/2 cup cream

  1/2 cup plain yogurt

  2 egg yolks, lightly beaten

  1 tablespoon whiskey

  4 tablespoons Fish Stock

  Salt and paprika to taste

  1/2 teaspoon grated lemon zest

  Preparation

  Salt the fish lightly and steam gently for 10 to 15 minutes. Heat the butter, cream, yogurt, and egg yolks in a double boiler. Cook over low heat, stirring constantly; do not allow the mixture to reach a boil. When it thickens, slowly add the whiskey, stock, salt, paprika, and lemon zest. Cover the fish with the sauce and cook over low heat for 5 minutes more.

  Corbina à La Crème

  Can be made with salmon, conger eel, or other firm-fleshed fish.

  Ingredients

  1 pound corbina (middle section)

  Salt and white pepper to taste

  Juice of 1 lemon

  1/4 cup vodka

  2 sprigs fresh rosemary

  2 tablespoons butter

  1/2 cup cream

  1 pinch nutmeg

  1/2 cup shredded almonds, blanched and toasted

  Preparation

  Wash the fish and pat dry. Season with salt, pepper, and lemon juice. Place in a buttered baking dish. Sprinkle with the vodka and fresh rosemary, and dot with butter. Cover with aluminum foil and cook in a medium oven for 20 to 25 minutes. Remove from the oven, add the cream, nutmeg, and toasted almonds, and return to the oven without foil for another 5 minutes before serving.

  Hake Diana

  If your budget won’t stretch for a high-priced fish, that’s no reason to deprive yourself of an aphrodisiac treat.

  Ingredients

  1 pound hake, flounder, or similar fish

  Salt and pepper to taste

  1 tablespoon butter

  1/2 grapefruit

  1/3 cup ricotta cheese

  1/2 cup Homemade Mayonnaise

  Juice of 1 lemon

  1 teaspoon capers

  2 pickled pearl onions

  1/2 teaspoon minced cilantro

  Hard-boiled eggs and watercress for garnish

  Preparation

  Season the fish with salt and pepper, dot with butter, and place in a roasting pan. Remove the membrane from the grapefruit segments and place pieces on the fish. Squeeze any juice remaining in the grapefruit over the fish. Cook over medium heat for 15 to 25 minutes; the fish is done when the flesh separates easily from the spine. Remove from the heat, let cool, and place on a platter. Place the ricotta, mayonnaise, lemon juice, capers, pearl onions, and cilantro in a food processor and blend. Thin with juices from the fish to make a smooth sauce, check the seasoning, and pour over the fish. Garnish with hard-boiled eggs and watercress.

  Curried Sea Bass

  A delicious, substantial dish to fortify demanding lovers.

  Ingredients

  1/2 small onion, quartered

  1 half carrot, sliced

  1 garni of aromatic herbs

  Salt and pepper to taste

  1 cup water

  2 sea bass fillets, skinned and washed

  Juice of 1/2 lemon

  FOR THE SAUCE

  1 teaspoon butter

  1 teaspoon curry powder

  1/2 tablespoon vinegar

  1/2 tart apple, peeled and grated

  1 pinch brown sugar

  1 teaspoon flour

  Liquid from cooking fish

  1/2 cup coconut milk

  2 heaping tablespoons grated coconut

  Salt and pepper to taste

  2 tablespoons cream

  1 egg yolk, lightly beaten

  Preparation

  Boil the onion, carrot, garni, pepper, and salt in the water for 15 minutes. Rub the fish with lemon and place in a cooking pot. Gently pour the boiling stock over it. Cook for 15 minutes on very low heat. Remove the fish, taking care not to break it apart, and keep warm. Reserve the liquid.

  To make the sauce, melt the butter and add the curry, vinegar, apple, and sugar, stirring well. Add the flour and cook for 5 minutes over low heat. Still stirring, gradually add the liquid from the fish, coconut milk, and grated coconut, and cook over low heat 10 minutes more. Check the seasoning and add salt and pepper to taste. Keep warm but do not allow to boil. Add the cream with the egg yolk. Serve the fish and sauce with rice pilaf.

  Stuffed Trout

  Is your lover an impenitent fisherman? Very likely his only trophy will be some rather pathetic trout. With this recipe they can be turned into a source of pleasure.

  Ingredients

  2 medium trout, cleaned, with heads and tails removed

  Juice of 1 lemon

  Salt and pepper to taste

  1/2 cup chopped ham

  1 small pickle

  1 tablespoon minced celery

  1/2 tablespoon minced chives

  1 egg yolk

  1/2 cup cream

  2 tablespoons butter

  1/4 cup dry white wine

  1 pineapple slice

  1 tablespoon minced parsley

  Preparation

  Wash the fish well, pat dry, and season with lemon juice, salt, and pepper. Place the ham, pickle, celery, and chives in a food processor and make a paste. Add the egg yolk and 1/4 cup of the cream. Stuff the trout with this filling and fasten the edges with wooden toothpicks. Place the fish in a buttered roasting pan and sprinkle with the wine. Cook in a medium oven for 15 minutes. Remove, pour on the remaining 1/4 cup cream and decorate with the pineapple slice, and cook 5 minutes more in low heat. Serve warm, sprinkled with fresh parsley.

  Salmon Neptune

  Easy, quick, light, and very stimulating, this is the ideal dish for impetuous lovers. Remember that the pasta must be cooked al dente; otherwise, it’s like eating worms.

  Ingredients

  1 pound fresh salmon

  Salt and pepper

  2 tablespoons lemon juice

  4 tablespoons olive oil

  1 sprig fresh dill

  1/2 pound angel hair pasta

  1 large tomato, quartered

  2 tablespoons minced cilantro

  3 tablespoons minced fresh chives

  Preparation

  Season the fish with salt, pepper, 1 tablespoon of lemon juice, and a little olive oil, and place the dill on top. If you do not have a utensil for steam cooking, better buy one fast, but for now you can improvise by placing a large colander inside a large pot containing a few inches of water. Only the steam should reach the fish. Cook for approximately 15 minutes. The salmon should be nearly raw inside.

  As the fish is cooking, start to boil 8 cups of water for the pasta. Add 1 tablespoon of oil and salt to the water. Remove the fish from the colander, set aside the dill, and cut the salmon into small pieces. Cook the angel hair pasta in the boiling water for only a few minutes, al dente. Remove from the heat and drain well. Mix with the salmon, tomato, cilantro, and chives. Season with 1 tablespoon of olive oil, 1 tablespoon of lemon juice, and salt and pepper to taste.

  Park Avenue Lobster

  This is a very easy way to prepare the queen of the seas, but since lobster is expensive, I suggest you read the recipe carefully.

  Ingredients

  1 lobster, cleaned

  4 tablespoons olive oil

  2 tablespoons minced onion

  2 tomatoes, peeled, seeded, and chopped

  1 pinch garlic powder

  1 tablespoon chopped parsley

  1/2 cup Fish Stock

  1/2 cup sherry

  4 tablespoons cognac

  Salt and cayenne pepper to taste

  2 tablespoons butter

  Preparation

  Cut the lobster into medallions and sauté in the oil on both sides. Remove from the pan. In the same oil, sauté the onion until transparent. Add the tomatoes, garlic powder, and parsley. Stir until well coated and add the lobster, stock, sherry, and cognac. Season with salt and cayenne pepper. Cover the skillet and cook for 20 minutes over low heat. Remove the medallions from the skillet. Place the remaining contents of the skillet and the butter in a food processor and blend. Bathe the lobster medallions in this sauce and serve.

  Squid Lucullus

  If you want squid in their own ink, order it in a restaurant. This recipe is easy and exquisite.

  Ingredients

  2 slices bread, crusts removed

  1/2 cup milk

  1 tablespoon chopped onion

  1 clove garlic, crushed

  2 tablespoons butter

  1 pinch nutmeg

  Salt and white pepper to taste

  1/2 cup cooked spinach

  1 egg yolk

  1/2 cup chopped cooked shrimp

  4 medium squid, cleaned

  3 tablespoons oil

  Sliced tomato for garnish

  Preparation

  Soak the bread in the milk. Sauté the onion and garlic in 1 tablespoon of butter with nutmeg, salt, and pepper. Add the bread soaked in milk, spinach, and egg yolk. Stir well. Add the shrimp and remaining butter. Cook for 5 minutes, stirring until smooth. Stuff the squid pockets 3/4 full with this mixture. Close the opening with a wooden toothpick and fry one by one in the hot oil. Serve with sliced tomato for garnish.

  Saffron Shrimp

  Remember that in the East saffron is thought to be a powerful stimulant. This recipe was given me by my friends Francesca and Marisa, who teach Italian cooking to American tourists in Milan.

  Ingredients

  8 large shrimp, peeled and cleaned

  1 rounded tablespoon butter

  1/2 cup Mascarpone cheese or very fresh cream cheese

  1/2 teaspoon powdered saffron

  Salt and pepper to taste

  1 pinch paprika

  1 pinch garlic powder

  1/2 pound farfala pasta (bowtie or butterfly)

  1 teaspoon olive oil

  Preparation

  Sauté the shrimp in the butter, then set aside. In the middle of the bowl in which you plan to serve the pasta, whip the cheese with a spoon and slowly add the saffron until you have a yellow cream. Add salt, pepper, paprika, and garlic powder, and stir well. Cook the pasta in 8 cups of hot water until al dente. Drain, add the oil, and stir. Immediately pour onto the cheese and stir until the pasta is thoroughly coated with the cheese. Arrange the shrimp on top and serve.