“I should kill him,” Jon said when the door shut softly, leaving the two of us alone. “I’m sorry, Red. I’m not trying to upset you. But he is the one I’ve been waiting for.”

  “I could say the same thing,” I replied, crossing my arms over my chest. The second the words came out of me, I knew this was going to be a fight. This wasn’t going to go well for the two of us. I knew that in my gut. But I pressed on. “Jon, this isn’t any random person. This is my family.”

  “You consider that guy your family?” Jon asked, before scoffing.

  “You wouldn’t understand,” I murmured, heading to the window. I wrapped my arms around myself, suddenly cold, even though nothing actually changed in this room.

  “What?” Jon asked, narrowing his eyes. “Because I don’t have a family?”

  I closed my eyes, tilting my head up to the ceiling, as though I could ask God for guidance on how to handle the current situation that was playing out in front of me. Except, I had no idea what to do.

  “You know that wasn’t what I meant,” I said, trying to keep my voice down, trying not to have a tone. The last thing I wanted was to start a fight with him, especially if my grandfather was right outside, listening. He would probably relish any conflict between me and Jon, and then try to use it against us whenever he could. I didn’t want Jon to be in the middle of it. Hell, I didn’t want to be in the middle of that.

  “Well, what did you mean?” Jon shot back. He defaulted to pacing, a purposeful step, aggressive but not quite stomping. I had seen him do it many times before now. “Because it sounded like you meant that you were conflicted because of personal reasons. You don’t think I got those too?”

  “Of course you do,” I said. I crossed the room to him, placing myself in his path. Instead of stopping, instead of letting me wrap my arms around him, he sidestepped me and went around me. That, more than a slap across my face, broke my heart. I closed my eyes. For some reason, tears pricked my eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was cry in front of Jon. It was pathetic and it made me seem like I was a child crying because she wasn’t getting her way. And I wasn’t. “I’m not saying you don’t.”

  “Then, what are you saying?” He was suddenly right behind me. Even though we weren’t touching, I could feel him there. Everything inside of me stilled. Everything inside of me tensed. I wanted him to touch me, to reach out and reassure me that everything was going to be okay. But he didn’t. He kept his distance. Even an inch or two away from me was too far away from me.

  I took a deep breath. I needed to figure out what I wanted to say without offending him. At the same time, he would know if I lied to him, and lying to Jon was one of the grave offenses he refused to tolerate.

  “I’ll tell you,” I said, “but you have to let me talk. You can’t jump in and interrupt me.”

  There was a moment of silence. Even though my back was to him, I knew he was rolling his eyes and maybe crossing his arms across his chest. “Fine.” The word was crisp, like a flake of snow, sharper than it appeared.

  I winced, suddenly glad he couldn’t see me or my reaction to him. I took another breath, hoping he couldn’t hear how shaky it was but knowing, with his supernatural abilities, he did.

  “You don’t have a family,” I said. He winced at my words and I immediately regretted them. I shouldn’t have pushed. It didn’t matter if I was right or wrong or whatever. None of it mattered. But they were out in the open now and I couldn’t take them back. If anything, I had to push forward. I had to at least respect him enough to tell him how I felt, even if it hurt him. “You don’t know what it’s like to lose something, someone who basically stepped up for you when…” I let my voice trail off. My eyes filled with tears and I flared my nostrils, trying to control myself. I didn’t want to start crying. Not here. Not now. “It’s just, my grandfather is my family. He knows what happened to my uncle, to my parents. I can’t not listen to what he has to say.”

  “Lara,” he said. “Maybe the men in my unit weren’t blood, but they were my brothers. I experienced things with them I will never experience with anyone else. And your grandfather killed them for his experiment.”

  “I’m not defending him,” I said quickly. “I just want to listen to what he has to say. I think we owe –“

  “We don’t owe him shit,” Jon bit out, throwing his arms out like he was pissed I would even suggest such a thing.

  I clenched my teeth together. “If you would just let me finish,” I said slowly, “I was going to say that we owe it to ourselves to see what he has to say. You’re the one who wants answers. You’re the one who wants to know what’s going on, who’s involved, and what the plan is for the future of Project Bloodshade, right?” When he didn’t answer, I pushed on, knowing that at least he was listening. “Well, I’m telling you what I think, Jon. I’m telling you that if anyone knows anything, it’s my grandfather.”

  Jon opened his mouth and I braced myself, waiting for his comeback. I crossed my arms over my chest tightly, trying to keep myself from saying anything stupid in front of him. I didn’t want to interrupt him and I definitely didn’t want to lash out with a raised voice or a dismissive tone. I had learned the hard way that Jon didn’t respond well to either of those things and if I wanted him to understand my point of view, I was going to have to control myself.

  “I know,” he finally said, catching me off-guard.

  I dropped my arms to my sides and raised my brows. “Y-you do?” I asked.

  He reached up and rubbed his forehead. It almost seemed as though he was trying to find the right words to say and was getting frustrated that he couldn’t.

  “He’s your only family, like you said,” he allowed, each word coming out slowly, softly. Tension rolled off of him in waves, like this was difficult for him to do. I wanted to reach out to him, to show him just how much I appreciated the effort because I knew it, but I kept my hand to myself. Touch could sometimes help a situation, and, at others, it could be gasoline on an open fire. I didn’t want to make things worse by touching Jon even though I wanted to. “I understand why you want to talk to him. I understand why you want to give him this chance. But I…” He shook his head. “I just don’t understand why you’re so willing to trust his word when you’ve thought he’s been dead for years and years, for your whole life.”

  He made a good point. As much as I didn’t want to admit that, I had to. My grandfather, at least, was a liar. He hid himself from me, from Richard. Richard had dedicated his life to getting justice for his father because he thought my grandfather was alive, and he got killed for it. If my grandfather knew and let that happen to his own son…

  I should be scared. I shouldn’t trust my grandfather. But I wanted to hear his side of the story. I wanted to give him the opportunity to talk to me, to tell me everything.

  “I just…” I rubbed my lips together, trying to find the words that would make sense to Jon, to get him to understand. I took a step back and turned my back to him, my eyes running up the gold wallpaper. I wanted to sit down somewhere, my body utterly exhausted, but sitting would put me in a vulnerable position and I couldn’t have that. “You experienced something like this with Yvonne. Did we not raid her office, looking for clues about what’s going on?”

  “Yeah, we raided her office,” Jon said, taking a step towards me. “It wasn’t like the two of us went to some café and chatted over her betrayal of me over lattes.”

  “But if you could talk to her about it, if she was willing to tell you everything, wouldn’t you listen to her?” I asked.

  I reached up to my necklace again, hoping those words would be enough, hoping God might give me better ones if these ones didn’t work. I didn’t know why I was nervous. I would speak to my grandfather whether Jon wanted me to or not, but I wanted Jon to understand. I didn’t want to shake his faith in me, but I also didn’t want to have to compromise my own wants to appease what he wanted. I felt caught and unsure of what to do.

  Jon opened his mouth to say something, then thought better of it, before shutting it. He let out a breath through his nose, his nostrils flaring. Slowly, he walked over to me, sidestepping the bed. I stilled my body even though I didn’t want to get caught up in him. It might distract me from everything, and a distraction was the last thing I needed right now.

  “Honestly, Lara, I don’t know what I would do,” he said. “Things have gotten… complicated since I’ve come back.”

  I tilted my head to the side, frowning. Was he referring to me? To our relationship? Jon returned because he needed my help and I gave it to him. He left again, thinking he had everything he needed in order to get that revenge he so desperately wanted. But the truth of the matter was, he came back because he needed my help. Again. He was willing to risk me for what he needed to extract his revenge.

  And I didn’t blame him for it. I didn’t get mad. Even when things got more intimate between us, even when I was sure I was falling for him despite the warning bells going off around me, I saw things from his perspective, I made sure to understand, because if I didn’t, I would be confronted with the fact that Jon was selfish. He only wanted one thing. Maybe I complicated that, maybe I was just his distraction, but I realized we wanted different things. He wanted to put everyone down, and I wanted to understand. I wanted information. I wanted justice.

  “Would you care to elaborate?” I asked, perking my brows. I curled red hair behind my ear, trying not to be jerky with my movements. The last thing I wanted was Jon thinking I was mad at him because then he might pull away and make it impossible to have any sort of meaningful conversation. “About things being complicated?”

  “I don’t… I don’t think I have to,” he returned. His eyes never leave mine and we shared a look. I knew what that meant. I knew what – or who, I corrected myself – the complication implied.

  Me.

  “You know,” I said, dropping my arm to my side, “I don’t have to be a complication for you anymore, Jon. That was the last thing I ever wanted to be, especially for you.”

  “Lara,” he said, his voice edged with annoyance.

  I held up my hand. “No,” I said through gritted teeth. “You don’t get to tell me what to do. You don’t get to tell me what to say or how I feel or any of that bullshit. I had a life before you came back. I was taking self-defense classes. I was dating. I was fine. I survived without you, and I would do it again.”

  “Good.” Jon’s voice was like the crack of a whip. It hit me all the same and I fluttered my eyes, taking a step back. He couldn’t be serious, could he? Maybe it wasn’t fair of me to expect him to play fair when I just lashed out, but the conversation was slipping away from me, it was difficult for me to get a handle on it. “That’s what I’ve always wanted. You think I want to be with you?”

  I took a step back. If Jon would have slapped me, the pain would be much less. For a minute, I saw regret flash in Jon’s dark eyes, but then it vanished, and I couldn’t be sure if I was projecting what I wanted to see in them or if I actually saw it. Not that it mattered. Jon said enough.

  “I never asked you to be with me,” I managed to get out. There was no emotion in my voice. I felt… nothing. Numb. Dead. Like Jon took the life from me and smothered it with his words. “I’m not going to force you to if it’s just going to complicate things. I’m not forcing you to be with me. It’s not like I had a gun to your head.”

  “Lara…”

  “No!” I exclaimed, surprising myself. I glanced over at the door, hoping my grandfather didn’t overhear. I didn’t need him listening in on a lover’s quarrel – although I wasn’t sure if it even counted as a lover’s quarrel. Maybe I should just call it a complicated argument. “You do not get to call me Lara. You do not get that right anymore.”

  Jon clenched his teeth together. He was trying to tell me something in his stare, but I couldn’t read it. My heart clenched. How could I not read Jon’s face? I was so good at it before. But now, my head was mixed up with things like my grandfather returning and this blind desire to get information from him. Most of it was for me, but some of it I wanted for Jon. I wanted to bring him peace.

  “This isn’t supposed to be how things end between us, Lara,” he said in a low voice, staring at the floor. He clenched his jaw again, and it was like he stabbed my heart. I knew, at that moment, that Job was saying goodbye.

  “But you’re saying it was always going to end,” I said. Tears pricked at my eyes and I cursed myself. This was not what I wanted. I didn’t want to say goodbye to Jon, and I certainly didn’t want to cry in front of him. But I didn’t know what else to do at this point. I scoffed, through the pain, through the heartbreak, through it all. “I’m not even surprised. Why would I be?” I shook my head. “Was any of it real, then? Anything? Or was I always temporary?”

  Jon picked up his gaze and let out a breath through his nose, flaring his nostrils as he did so. I lifted a finger, tilting my head to the side.

  “Do not look at me that way,” I said, my voice strained. “Do not look at me like you’re sorry, like you would take it all back.”

  “I would,” he said. “If it meant I didn’t have to hurt you…”

  “What, all because I want to have a conversation alone with my grandfather?” I asked. The tears fell at this point. I didn’t bother wiping them away. I couldn’t bring myself to make it obvious how heartbroken I was, even though me crying already did that. “You’re just going to stop because of that?”

  “I can’t do this anymore.” He stepped back from me. “I can’t be distracted anymore. You have your grandfather, which means you have answers you and your family have been looking for your whole life. I still have a job to do.”

  I clenched my teeth together, trying to get a hold of my emotions. I reached up and wiped at my cheeks. I didn’t like having to do it, just because it made it obvious that I was upset, but I didn’t care.

  “And what does that mean?” I managed to get out. I wanted to hiccup, but I swallowed the telling gesture by glaring at Jon.

  “It means I’m leaving, Lara,” he said, “and this time, I’m not coming back.”

  I wanted to roll my eyes. I wanted to stomp my foot like a toddler. I wanted to lash out and point out that this wasn’t the first time he told me that. But I didn’t. I was tired of fighting, even with him.

  “Was any of it real?” I asked as he headed for the window.

  I didn’t expect an answer. He said nothing as he managed to open the window and climb onto the fire escape. Tears pricked my eyes once again and I bit back a scream of frustration. At the last minute, he popped in his head and locked eyes with me.

  “It was all real.”

  Chapter 3

  I quickly wiped the tears from my face, clawing at my cheeks as quickly as I could. The last thing I needed was for my grandfather to come in and see me crying like a baby over a man. I wasn’t that type of person, and I didn’t want him to think I was. I didn’t know why it was so important for me to earn my grandfather’s respect. He was a bad guy. At least, if he was responsible for Project Bloodshade, if he was the reason an entire Marine unit died just to be brought back and repurposed as government weapons, what did that say about him other than the fact that he was a monster.

  And yet, it was difficult for me to reconcile the two things – that monster was my grandfather, a man my uncle and I both assumed was dead.

  Once I finished wiping away my tears, I took a deep breath. I didn’t have a mirror in front of me or access to a sink. I couldn’t wash my face and pretend that everything was all right. Instead, I needed to confront the fact that I had no idea what to do. I was here for information, but what then? When I got it, was he going to let me leave? That didn’t seem likely. However, I didn’t get the sense that he would kill me, either.

  I cleared my throat and took my necklace in my hand. Squeezing my eyes shut, I tilted my head up and said a prayer. Please, God, offer me protection and information. Please, let this finally be the beginning of the end.

  I opened my eyes and moved into the living room. My grandfather was still standing, hands behind his back, back facing the room I just came out of. I had no idea what he had been doing while Jon and I talked, but instead of standing, I didn’t see any hint of what that might be.

  “Uh, Mr. Brown?”

  My grandfather turned and gave me a smile. I stilled when I saw it. There was so much of Richard in that smile that it took everything in me not to tear up at the sight of it. I hadn’t seen Richard in months, not since he died, and to feel like he was in front of me again felt nothing short of a miracle.

  “I’m a general, Lara,” he corrected me, though his tone was gentle. “You can refer to me as General, or you can call me grandpa. My kids called my father Papa. Not sure how that suits you, but it’s a thought.”

  I swallowed. Once again, I was filled with more conflict than I wanted. How I longed to hear my grandfather’s voice. How I longed to have some sort of sweet nickname to refer him to that would distinguish him as mine, as special. How I longed to meet the man that Richard risked everything for, the man he idealized to the point of ignorance. Because if my grandfather was behind everything, Richard died for nothing. He risked his life for a man who defined the word evil. And I was having trouble making sense of that in my head.

  “Right,” I said. I pressed my hands down my stomach, trying to wipe the perspiration from my skin. “Jon is… well, we’re alone. You’ll keep to your word?”

  Just because Jon and I didn’t end things on the best of terms didn’t mean I wanted anything to happen to him. I wanted him safe and away from my grandfather. I wanted him away from all of this.