Me: Not today but thank you. :)

  Landon: Gtg work. Talk to you tonight.

  What an interesting midday conversation. Just some casual masturbation talk in the middle of the work day. I needed to start on my sex list and make sure I brought condoms with me next time. I don’t know what I expected from him in terms of physical intimacy, but he was surprising me. I was sixteen when I had first slept with someone. I was scared but excited, and the guy was seventeen. He sort of knew what he was doing, but I was still scared shitless for a month afterward. The fear of getting pregnant was real—even though I wasn’t—and I was on birth control.

  I needed to let Landon know that we were covered on that front, as I was not interested in having a baby soon and that my IUD should do all that hard work for us.

  Also, I had disclosed my HPV status, and he had said he had done nothing more than oral years ago and had been tested. I mentally patted myself on the back because, before, I was not great at these conversations. I felt weird and awkward, and the media had done a shit job of preparing for this.

  Okay, so I was dating someone I actually liked and saw a future with?

  Holy shiiiit.

  I had paused all my dating profiles because, as we had established, I am not good at keeping rosters because I needed a deeper emotional connection. I had conflicting emotions, too, because people would think we were straight. Landon was, but I wasn’t. And Landon was a “gender bender,” as he had said.

  Bi erasure was a real thing, and I had just fully embraced that part of who I was, so I wasn’t ready to give it up.

  But how would it look when we had our Ella and Elena date? E & E. Cute.

  I needed to think about that as well, when that would happen, how and what that needed to look like.

  Thoughts for another time.

  Meanwhile, I needed to tackle my emails and get my schedule worked out at the new studios. How was it that, during the busiest and weirdest time of my life, I had found someone to share things with?

  The universe had a funny way of working things out.

  CHAPTER Twenty

  "I have a present for you,” Landon said as I walked into his apartment.

  We had been talking a lot about sex. The conversation usually went with a question Landon had and me answering, then me asking to be inclusive of him since he hadn’t slept with anyone. I had never talked about sex so much with someone before. It oddly made me more excited and comfortable to explore that in our new budding romance.

  He wanted his transparency policy to carry over into physical intimacy. He had said he wanted a lot of feedback, and I asked for it in return. I had mentioned that sleeping with anyone new required time and energy to understand their likes and dislikes, no matter how much experience you had with someone else.

  “Oooh, I love presents,” I said after walking in and setting my purse down on the glass table.

  “Sit, and I’ll go get them!” He smiled.

  I sat and wondered what on Earth he could have gotten me.

  “Okay, I thought these could be fun to play with,” he said almost sheepishly.

  His shoulder-length blonde hair was pulled back in a baby bun, and he had on light pink glasses. Damn, I was a sucker for someone in glasses.

  He removed his hands behind his back and revealed two small rectangular boxes wrapped in pink wrapping paper.

  I smiled ferociously and snatched them out of his hands before ripping the first box open.

  “Is this a vibrator?!”

  It looked like a small lipstick-sized vibrator. Very petite but “powerful,” as boasted by the box.

  “Yeah, I thought we could keep it over here for you.” He shyly smiled at me.

  It had taken so long for my ex to want to incorporate toys into our partnered sex. It was frustrating because he always felt like he should do it without it. Funny thing is, whenever I had sex with women, they were always down to use toys if they hadn’t already suggested it. Men had a weird thing about vibrators and dildos.

  “This is really thoughtful and sweet. Thank you,” I said, warm fuzzies exploding in my belly.

  “I’m glad you like it! Hopefully, it’s okay. I didn’t want to seem too presumptuous.” He looked down and picked at his nails.

  I laid my hand on top of his. “This is the sweetest thing, not presumptuous at all.” I kissed his knuckles.

  He blushed and pushed the other box toward me with his pointer finger. “This one is a little bolder.”

  Raising an eyebrow, I tore into the paper. My mouth dropped, and a cheeky grin almost split my face.

  “Handcuffs?!” I said with delight.

  Well, we knew he was a good listener.

  “Yeah, I just wanted to show you that I am open and willing to try different things with you. Things you like and I have obviously never experienced before but that I want to. I already feel like you are going to be way better at this, but I just wanted to show you that I am ready and open to new things. Also, I don’t want you to worry about getting condoms or anything. I want to contribute to birth control and safe sex, and I know that’s the best way I can do that and make sure that I wear one every time.”

  “I have an IUD. But I appreciate you saying all that. I am not the best at enforcing barrier methods in the moment, so I will need help to stay accountable, but this is really nothing I would ever expect. I am really excited to explore things in our intimacy,” I said, standing and wrapping my arms around his neck. “Thank you. This was totally unexpected and one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.” I planted a gentle kiss on his oh-so-soft lips.

  “You’re welcome.” He pulled me against him and kissed me back harder.

  Something about his pouty bottom lip did me in when we were kissing because I couldn’t help but nibble and bite. Let’s be honest: I was trying to start something.

  No one had ever given so much thought into my pleasure and sexual fantasies so early before. Hell, whenever I slept with people, they hardly ever asked.

  Something was so attractive about his care, thoughtfulness, and eagerness to invest in understanding who I was and what I wanted.

  I gently pulled away with his bottom lip between my teeth and groaned as I smiled back at him.

  He grabbed my hand and led me to his room. “Is this okay?” He pushed me down onto his bed.

  “Yes.”

  He went to dim the lights and turn on his lamp on his nightstand. “I really want to be able to see you, all of you. You’re so beautiful, Elena.”

  I didn’t really have words to respond. He leaned down and kissed me slower and hotter this time. His tongue gently explored and tested boundaries in which I was more than happy to indulge.

  His hands trembled as he ran his fingertips down my arms, leaving bursts of sensation in his wake.

  He reached for the hem of my shirt, standing between my knees. “Can I take this off?”

  “Yes, but then I get to take yours off,” I said, smiling.

  Nodding, he smiled as he pulled my cropped sweatshirt over my head and threw it to the side.

  I pushed him back playfully, pulled his shirt over his head, and threw it in the same direction as mine. With my fingertips, I traced his collarbone down his chest and brushed over his nipples, inducing a twitch and sigh out of him. “Do you like your nipples played with?” I brushed the small bud of his nipples again and scraped it with my nail.

  He whimpered, and his body shook. “Yes.” He closed his eyes and groaned.

  After kissing, nipping, and biting his neck, I flicked my tongue over a nipple, then sucked gently.

  “Elena, oh my god,” he moaned.

  I smiled against his skin, drawing my nails across his chest again. “Does that feel good?”

  “Yes, but I’m supposed to be seducing you.”

  I laughed. “We can both do some of the seducing.” I sat again as he came down to his knees in front of me, level with my chest.

  “I want this off.” He slid the straps of my black bra off with his fingertips.

  I reached behind me to undo my clasp, and he gently grabbed my hands. “Can I do it?”

  “Of course,” I said, breathless.

  He was making my heart flutter by simply being himself.

  He reached around to undo the clasp a few times before finally undoing it while I nibbled on his shoulder.

  My bra got discarded to the side, and he stared wide-eyed at my chest. In the past, I felt neutral about my boobs. Most people I had slept with didn’t say much about them or my piercings. They usually were intimidated and spent little time on my breasts because of the piercings, and they were of average size.

  “Your breasts are literally perfect.”

  I nearly choked.

  No one had ever talked about my body this way, especially when we were about to fuck. Usually it was grabbing, groping, and quick fondling. Never relishing or worshipping my body.

  “I don’t even know what to say to your words.”

  I suddenly felt very unprepared for Landon.

  “You don’t have to say anything.”

  He moved his mouth against my chest, exploring the boundaries, biting, licking, and sucking, making me groan and weave my hands through his hair.

  He ran a finger over my piercings. “These are so fun.” He pushed me back down until I lay flat on the bed, and I was happy to indulge him. Looking unsure, he started pulling off my yoga pants with trembling fingers, and I helped by squirming out of the tight fabric before throwing them at our shirt pile.

  “Your turn,” I said, sitting up again and going for his jeans. I kissed along his ribs and moved to gently bite and suck on his hipbones.

  He pressed into me and groaned. “How do you know all these spots?!”

  I laughed again and moved my mouth lower. “Is this okay?” I positioned my mouth below his hips.

  Nodding, he looked at me with awe as I gently took him into my mouth and moved my tongue in rhythm to his groans.

  “Elena, Jesus.”

  His head rolled back, and he grabbed onto my shoulders to steady himself.

  “Okay, my turn.” He got up and stepped away.

  I smiled, lying back. “Okay.”

  He kneeled in front of me, kissing along my hips and inner thighs. Heat pooled between my thighs, and it nearly screamed and begged for his touch. His fingers, tongue, anything. “I’ve never done this, um, very well before.” He hovered above my throbbing clit, looking at my body in wonderment. “Pretty sure the first time I did this, I missed all the right parts.”

  “Think of it like kissing with lots of tongue,” I said, gripping his hands resting on my hips, my thighs nestled on his upper arms.

  “Pay special attention to my clit.” I guided his fingertips to brush up against my swollen bud.

  He swallowed and nodded.

  “We will figure it out together, okay?”

  He nodded, then dove right in. My back arched off of the bed as he took a single swipe of his tongue through my center. He moved his mouth and tongue along my clit, and it shot heat through my spine as I groaned and ground against him. He continued with his mouth and then gently slipped his fingers through my wetness.

  “You taste so yummy.”

  I groaned at that.

  “And you smell so good.”

  I was officially in shock by his words and his actions. No one had ever told me my vagina smelled good or tasted yummy. I had always been self-conscious about the taste and smell of my vagina because—hello?—misogyny. Even women I had slept with never complained but had never complimented it either. Sex had been so hurried with my random hookups. A means to an end. But it felt like Landon wanted to memorize the shape, smell, and taste of all my body.

  Realistically, I probably wouldn’t orgasm this first time. And that was okay. It wasn’t all about coming because he was learning my body. It took me a lot longer to come in partnered sex than it did solo. But damn if everything he was doing didn’t feel so good and so sweet.

  I groaned again as he slipped another finger in, and I desperately wanted all of him inside me.

  I sat up.

  He looked at me, alarmed. “Am I doing something wrong?”

  “Not at all, but I’m ready for you if you’re ready for me,” I said, reaching for the condom he had pulled out.

  “Yes, I am ready.”

  I pushed up to kiss him, tasting myself on him and liking it, before pushing him onto the bed and telling him to scoot all the way to the pillows. After grabbing the condom and the lube he had set out, I sat beside him as I opened the condom up and slipped it on generously. I moved to straddle him and hover above him.

  “You ready?” I said.

  His eyes were fixed on me, and I lowered myself onto him. He gasped and groaned, matching my own sounds. “You feel really nice,” he said. “Very similar to a pocket pussy.”

  I laughed, and he cringed.

  “Wait, I did not mean to say that.”

  “I mean, the point is to feel like vagina, right? So, I think it’s fine.” I gently moved on him, rocking back and forth, watching his eyes roll back and his hands grasp the sheets as he groaned.

  “Holy shit, Elena.”

  I continued in a quick rhythm, his moans pushing me to go faster.

  “I’m going to come,” he said, shuddering as he closed his eyes, then said my name.

  I bent forward and gently kissed his jaw.

  “You okay?” I said into his ear, my body pressed against his.

  “More than okay, I’m wonderful. That was amazing. Thank you for this and sharing your body and just . . . Thank you,” he said, wrapping his arms around me and squeezing me.

  I smiled. Nobody had ever thanked me after sex.

  “I know I didn’t make you come. Will you teach me how?”

  I nodded against him.

  “Right now?” he said.

  I laughed. “Next time. I still enjoyed myself, even without an orgasm. Thank you for asking, though.” I squeezed him.

  I don’t know how long we had been laying there, with me on top and him holding me, but I needed to pee.

  “Okay, I’m gonna get up and pee now, so I don’t get a UTI,” I said, kissing his cheek, then moving away.

  “So you don’t get a UTI?”

  “Yeah, peeing after sex helps flush all the stuff out so no bacteria chills in your vagina. So, I have to do it every time, as I am super susceptible to them. Any time I have forgotten to pee, I’ve gotten a UTI.”

  “Okay, I’ll help you remember, then.” He stood and giggled. “So much liquid. Wait . . . where’s the condom?”

  My eyes went wide.

  “Shit,” I said, looking around.

  It could only be in one place.

  “What?” he said, sitting up looking alarmed.

  “I think it’s still inside me.”

  Fuck.

  CHAPTER Twenty-One

  Once upon a time, I tried a menstrual cup. I wanted to be more environmentally conscious of my period products, and so many of my friends had raved about them. My friends had mentioned it was hard to get in at first, that you needed to try a few different folding methods to get the cup in or try it with lube.

  So, at first, I bought the wrong one because, apparently, they make size differences dependent on whether you have had children. First mistake. Second mistake: I was trying to get the damn thing in.

  When I tell you it took me a long time to get that thing in, I am not joking. It took so many tries of it flinging open and splattering blood on me, the walls, toilet . . . EVERYTHING. Talk about a crime scene. So, when I had finally got it in, I felt POWERFUL.

  I wore it for a few hours and then went to pee, as once does. And I had bled into my underwear. Weird. It was supposed to be leakproof, and my flow wasn’t that heavy to fill it up in just a few hours.

  After checking on the cup, I couldn’t find it. My vagina had sucked that thing waayyy up into the canal. So, for the next thirty minutes, I was digging inside my bloody vagina, trying to retrieve this thing, and squatting in my shower, bearing down like I was birthing a child to push this thing out.

  I was sweating and crying for no other reason other than the traumatic experience.

  Fast forward to me trying to fish this condom out of my vagina. Maybe my menstrual cup had prepared me for this moment. Why my vagina was so good at keeping things in was beyond me.

  But, this time, it only took me ten minutes—with a lot less sweating and crying. However, I had to bear down in the bathroom during my wannabe labor while Landon nervously paced outside, asking if I needed his help.

  Absolutely not.

  “I got it!” I said, waving it around and exhaling.

  Jesus Christ. I did not want this to be a Reddit thread about needing to go to the hospital to retrieve a condom from inside of me.

  “Whoooo!” Landon cheered from outside the door.

  I got up, peed, washed my hands, and opened the door to a now-clothed Landon, who was standing there with my clothes.

  “I thought you might be ready for these.” He smiled sweetly.

  “Thank you.” I got dressed.

  “Does that . . .”

  He looked confused.

  “What?”

  “Does that normally happen? I mean, you’re the only person I’ve slept with, so I have no frame of reference. Also, I am for sure going to tell people you deflowered me,” he said, smiling cheekily as his blue eyes danced.

  I laughed. “That’s the first time that has happened to me with a condom.” I shrugged. “But it’s not unheard of. It just happens sometimes.”