He looked at me with serious eyes. “How many flowers have you taken?”

  “You mean virginities?” I giggled.

  “Yes.”

  “Just yours,” I said as I leaned up against the bathroom sink and crossed my arms.

  “The first person you slept with had been with someone else before? Weren’t you like sixteen?”

  He remembered what I had told him over text one night when he was full of his sexy, flirty questions.

  “Yeah, they had.”

  He nodded and then held out his hand.

  Raising an eyebrow, I took it gingerly.

  He interlaced our fingers together and pulled me back toward his room. He sat and tugged me until we both were laying down. “Do you want to cuddle?” His blonde hair fell into his eyes.

  I brushed it away with my fingertips. “Yes.”

  “Little or big spoon?”

  “Tonight, I think I want to be the little spoon, but I’m not opposed to being the big spoon.” I snuggled my back against him.

  It felt nice to be held by someone who actually cared about me and wanted more than sex. Even though the sex was fun. He was easy to be with. Things felt natural and normal.

  I don’t know how long we had been laying there, but, eventually, I had drifted into sleep and found Landon sitting up next to me with his phone in front of him with a serious look on his face.

  I felt all gooey and warm. Waking up next to him was nice. I assumed it was probably close to midnight.

  “Hi,” I said groggily.

  “Hi,” he said, laying his phone on his chest.

  “What time is it?”

  “Eleven fifty-six.”

  “I should probably go, actually, I have to teach at nine a.m. tomorrow,” I said, stretching out and yawning. I wasn’t ready to spend the night.

  “Okay, is there anything you want me to keep here for you?” he said sweetly.

  “What?”

  I was taken aback. No one had ever offered to have anything for me before at their apartment.

  “Yeah, like snacks or like a toothbrush or something,” he said, shrugging.

  “You’re offering to get me a toothbrush?” I said, looking at him like he had grown an extra eyeball.

  “Well, just in case you, like, fall asleep and spend the night or something, unless you don’t want to do that again . . . I don’t know. I just want to make sure you feel okay here. Like, if you need anything, you can ask. I have tampons and makeup wipes and other stuff in the bathroom, but I want you to be comfortable in my space.” He looked away.

  I sat up and looked at him again, taking in the softness of his lips, his sculpted brows, the messiness of his blonde hair. It made my heart clench. “No, it’s just no one has actually ever offered anything like that to me before. It’s very thoughtful. I don’t have anything right now that I can think of, but if I do think of something, I will let you know.”

  “What?” he said, looking down at himself.

  “What have you been doing while I have been sleeping?” I scooted to the end of the bed.

  He shifted his eyes from side to side. “Um . . .”

  “I was just being playful. You don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to.”

  I wondered what the weird shift was about.

  “No, transparency is my policy . . . I was doing some . . . research.”

  “Research?” I said, looking at him quizzically.

  He pushed his phone over to me, and on the screen was a diagram of a vagina, vulva, clitoris, et cetera. The whole setup. I looked up at him and then scrolled down to an article about familiarizing yourself with it all and how to best pleasure your partner.

  “This is very thorough,” I said, smiling brightly at him.

  This was absolutely fucking adorable.

  “I just, like, I know I came, but you didn’t. I want to be able to do that. I want to be able to please you, so I want to get better at all the things.”

  “It will take time for us to get to know each other’s body, and my setup is just a little more finicky. It doesn’t mean I didn’t have a good time. This was probably the most fun I’ve ever had having sex before. You make things very enjoyable,” I said, standing and handing his phone back to him. I offered my hand and pulled him up, so we were standing toe-to-toe. He was only a few inches taller than me, and it felt like our bodies perfectly fit together during sex. I wrapped my arms around his waist. “Did you have fun?”

  “Yes.”

  I looked into his eyes. “How are you feeling, since this was your first time? Do you want to talk about anything? Is there anything you may need from me?”

  “No, I mean, I think I’m okay. I’m great, really. It was really great. Thank you for having sex with me,” he said with a cheeky grin.

  “I think I thought it would be like it was in movies, you know?”

  “What do you mean?”

  He scrunched up his face. “Like I would feel like a totally new person. But I feel pretty much the same. Or that I would have a huge rush of emotions toward you and immediately fall in love with you. And I really like you, but my feelings for you are the same as they were before. Movies really don’t show an accurate portrayal.”

  “No, they really don’t. I thought I would feel different after my first time, too, but my body was still my body, you know?” I said, pressing my body against his before giving him another squeeze. “Plus, virginity is a social construct, so movies really just fuck it all up, anyway.”

  Landon smiled, showing off his dazzling white teeth. “Is that why you weren’t freaked out by me saying I was a virgin?”

  “Part of the reason. I have friends who haven’t had sex for multiple reasons, and it doesn’t make you any less or more of a person or partner if you have or haven’t. Your reasons are yours, and I’m just happy to be here with you now.”

  “I was more worried about your relationship with sex and how you wanted to see that in a relationship because I am a pretty sexual person with a high libido, so I wanted to make sure we were compatible in that way.”

  “Hmmm. Well, I definitely want to do it again and again and again,” he said, squeezing my ass. “You are seriously so beautiful, Elena. And your ass . . . truly a work of art.” He gave it one more good squeeze before I pushed him away.

  “Hey, don’t start this because I need to leave, and I will stay to finish it,” I said playfully.

  He grabbed my hand and kissed my palm. “Okay, you win. I don’t want to make you exhausted for work tomorrow.”

  I smiled and gave his hand a squeeze as I snatched my purse and went to the door with him on my heels. “You don’t have to walk me out.”

  “I’d like to,” he said as we left his apartment.

  “When do I get to see you again?”

  We made our way to the front of my car. I smiled, thinking of when we made out against it on our second date, which was only a short time ago, but I also felt like I had known Landon forever.

  “I’m not sure. I need to check my calendar. Text me when you get home safe, and I’ll look to see when I am free next,” he said.

  “Okay, sounds good.”

  We wrapped our arms around each other and exchanged several lingering kisses before he groaned and pulled away. “You are very tempting, Elena, but I will see you soon. Drive safe, okay?”

  He walked over to the sidewalk and watched until I pulled away.

  My heart and body felt warm, fuzzy, and tingly.

  Even after the condom incident . . . Landon was so sweet, honest, and fun.

  And I was in danger of falling in love.

  CHAPTER Twenty-Two

  The next week, we didn’t get to see one another, and it made my chest ache. Then, the week after, Landon was out of town for five days on an Ella-only vacation with some friends.

  We chatted on the phone almost every night, and the night before Landon left, he had me on speaker while he was packing.

  “So, can I ask you something?” he said as I snuggled deeper into my comforter with my phone tucked between my ear and shoulder.

  “Of course. What’s the question?” I asked.

  “Can we do she/her pronouns starting tomorrow for the trip?” he asked nervously.

  “Yeah, of course,” I said, smiling.

  “And then the day after I get back, I will be ready for he/him again,” he replied.

  “I can do that.”

  “Thank you for just doing this with me. I have never gotten to have Ella be in a relationship before, and I am still navigating it. Like, it’s still me, so it’s not like a personality disorder thing, but I know it’s a lot to ask for someone else to deal with. And I know it can be weird when I refer to myself in third person, but I am still working to figure out the best way to speak about myself, and it’s easier for people to digest in two clear buckets, like Landon and Ella, even though we are one and the same.”

  He spoke softly.

  “You’re welcome. This isn’t too much to ask. You are not too much. Who you are is a beautiful, amazing human being who I feel really honored and lucky to be with right now. I know that I will make mistakes, so all I ask is that you be honest with how you’re feeling, and if I fuck something up, please correct me. I want to show you that I care about and accept all parts of who you are. There are no conditions here to dating one another.”

  Landon breathed a sigh of relief, then paused before saying, “I just don’t understand how I got so lucky to have met you.”

  I could hear the smile in his voice.

  “I don’t understand how I got so lucky to have met YOU,” I said, matching the smile in his voice.

  “I have a question now, though.”

  “Let’s hear it.”

  “When I want an Elena and Ella date . . . how should I ask? How do you want me to differentiate between an Ella and Landon date?”

  It was something I had been thinking about for a while. I wasn’t sure how it would feel best, but I knew that I wanted to do it.

  “Just say, ‘Ella, I want to take you out on a date,’” Landon said.

  “Okay!” I said, butterflies fluttering in my belly.

  “I would really like to be wined and dined like any other girl sometime. Like flowers, dressing up, all the things that happen when girls get taken on dates. I want the full experience where my femininity is recognized and desired, you know?”

  “Mmmm. Okay, thank you for telling me.”

  I had already been planning a special E & E date for when the time would come. I needed to put serious thought into it.

  “I have another question,” I said, smirking slightly.

  “This one sound more mischievous,” Landon said, noting the tone change.

  “How do you feel about me sending you dirty pictures when you’re on vacation?” I said, planning how I would satiate my sex-deprived torture.

  “I LOVE that,” he said, laughing. “But maybe we need a warning before it happens? So I can be prepared, and I am not in a compromising position?”

  Humming, I thought about it. “How about I send a waffle emoji right before, and you can like it if you’re ready and willing to engage, OR you can dislike it if you aren’t in a place to receive it?”

  “A waffle?”

  “A waffle.”

  “I fucking love it. Let’s do it. Does that mean you want dirty pictures from me?”

  “I mean, I don’t really want a dick pic. But if you’re in lingerie or a swimsuit, I would be a bigger fan of that.”

  I thought about it seriously. No one had ever asked me about what types of pictures I liked to receive. I was much more visually stimulated by femininity than by masculinity. Was that a bi thing or a patriarchy thing? Sometimes, I couldn’t sort out what had been conditioned and what was of my own free will.

  “Okay, cool. Did not want to send any dick pictures. And, honestly, if we could not talk about my dick in terms of, like, how big and hard it is and weird masculine things, I would really appreciate it.”

  I imagined him cringing over the phone. I laughed because dick pictures should have been uncomfortable for everyone.

  “Yes, absolutely! Dick pictures suck for everyone. And message received! What do you like in terms of compliments?”

  This was another conversation I had never had before. It was refreshing to have someone who asked what you liked and wanted to openly talk about it instead of trial and error and then get pissed when you didn’t like the pet names they had picked out for you, like “sweetheart” and “honey.”

  “Hmmm, well, I don’t really want to be called handsome. I would rather be called pretty, beautiful, et cetera. And you could call my chest boobs instead of pecs. Or just like subtle feminine switches would be appreciated. It makes me feel like you are recognizing it, and it makes me happy.”

  “Okay! Thank you for sharing that all with me,” I said, making mental notes.

  “What about pet names or nicknames?”

  “I have a weird thing about pet names. It is going to take me some time to get used to using them for you. I don’t mind you using them for me! As long as it isn’t super corny or cheesy. But I just have a weird thing about words, and it will take me a while to warm up to using pet names for you and finding a nickname that sticks.”

  “I understand. Can I try out different nicknames for you, and you can tell me if you like them or not?” he said playfully.

  I smiled at that. Always asking for permission and consent was something I didn’t realize I was missing in a relationship until meeting Landon.

  “Yes, you can do that.”

  “Also, I may not be texting you as much or calling, since I will be on vacation. It doesn’t mean I am ignoring you. I just want to be present with my friends,” he said sweetly.

  “I really like you, but I want to be able to enjoy my time with my friends without being on my phone a ton.”

  “I think you absolutely should be texting and calling me less. This is your first Ella trip, and it’s so exciting! You should be soaking it all in with your friends. Just let me know you are safe and send pictures when you can, as I would love to see your outfits and what you girls are getting up to,” I said, smiling into the phone.

  “You girls?! You are making my heart melt. Thank you for understanding.”

  We chatted a little bit longer until we both were feeling the pull of sleep, and we both had an early morning the next day. Afterward, we said our goodbyes, and Landon promised to text me when he was settled at the airport, then when he landed.

  It would be the first time going through TSA as Ella. I heard of trans folks having a hard time at airports with unnecessary pat-downs, discriminatory practices, and other unpleasant things. I hoped that the experience would be positive and people would just mind their damn business.

  Sam had had difficulty before he got his photo ID changed on his passport and driver’s license, as well as his gender affirmed. With Landon, it was trickier because Ella didn’t get her own licenses or passport.

  Fingers crossed that the TSA person was a decent human and that everyone would be kind.

  A wave of nausea and rage coursed through me at the thought of someone being a dick to Ella. I couldn’t do anything about it, but it didn’t make me feel any better about the situation.

  Trying to drift into sleep, I struggled as I replayed our night in my head over and over.

  It was such a change of pace from my usual sexual antics. I felt like I didn’t even know how to be in a healthy relationship because I had never actually experienced one.

  But this felt like a damn good start, even though it had barely been a month. Landon challenged me to be super honest about what was going on and offered the same, whether it was in the bedroom or outside.

  I felt like I had found a unicorn.

  Myself, a bisexual bitch, and Landon, a genderbender. It was almost too perfect to even be real.

  I knew that, even then, I was falling deeper than liking him. I knew what love felt like, what falling in love felt like. But Landon was guarded when it came to Ella, and I knew what that meant in a relationship.

  A lot of firsts were to be had for them. And I didn’t want to fuck it up. Because I liked not being a heteronormative couple. That is, ideally, what I wanted. Someone to understand what it was like to be queer but, like, float in this weird in-between space where, sometimes, you didn’t feel queer enough, and, sometimes, you felt hella queer.

  And if something would end this relationship, it sure as shit wouldn’t be because Ella existed—it would be cheating or a large fundamental morality issue, which I didn’t see happening. We both seemed to be on the same page about our belief systems and what we stood for.

  But I still wanted to make sure this relationship felt safe and caring without compromising myself because that was my unhealthy relationship habit. Putting the other person so far up above myself that I would lose myself to simply survive in the relationship. I didn’t want to do that here.

  But it felt like Landon wouldn’t let that happen and neither would I.

  All these thoughts swirled around my head, making it nearly impossible to fall asleep. I grabbed my phone and made a list of things to info dump.

  How to be a good partner without losing yourself, figuring that out.

  Elena and Ella date, how soooon? What should we do?

  Fun sex things to try together.

  How to make sure Ella and Landon are both included in this relationship.

  How to be in a healthy relationship?

  I looked at my list and wondered if it would help, and, oddly, it did. At least it was out of my head and documented so I could get some damn sleep.

  I missed Landon already and wanted to be near him and touch him very, very soon.

  I decided I would plan the Elena-Ella date after Ella’s trip.