“He just showed us the tickets for the live show and said he had a date coming.” She pointed to a table where said blonde boy was sitting.

  He looked around until his eyes landed on me, and he smiled. A reallyyyy nice smile.

  “Have fun,” Tyra said before walking away.

  I walked toward Landon, and he met me halfway and hugged me. He was a few inches taller than me, and he smelled sweet.

  “Hi, Elena, it’s so nice to meet you in person!” He walked us back to the table.

  “You, too, Landon,” I said, trying to calm the nervousness in my belly.

  He had dark-blue eyes and long blonde hair that went to his shoulders. His smile was the sweetest, most genuine thing I had ever seen, and he was dressed in dark-blue skinny jeans, a black-and-white-striped shirt, and a loose gray button-up on top. Very alt skater boy vibes, which, incidentally, matched my all-black ensemble.

  “Can I get you something to drink?” he said, smiling at me.

  “Sure! I’ll take a Moscow Mule,” I said, having a hard time not returning his grin.

  “Are you comfortable with me going up and getting it at the bar for you?”

  I blinked at him. I had never known any man who knew how deeply women feared strange men putting things in their drinks to assault them, especially on first dates.

  “Yes, thank you for asking.”

  Tension released from my shoulders.

  “Okay, I’ll be right back.”

  So, he was paying for the drinks, another weird date thing seamlessly avoided. He showed up early, a relief to know he valued punctuality. And no weird outfit!

  Okay, off to a start way better than my last few dates. Plus, he picked and planned the date. I always had to do the planning. I liked to do the planning, but it was nice someone else actually cared enough to do it for me.

  Damn, I was already freaking impressed, and we had just started.

  “Here you go,” he said, handing me my drink.

  Our fingertips touched, and I wanted to snatch my hand away like I was afraid of what would happen if it lingered against his for too long.

  “What are you drinking?” I asked, eyeing what I assumed was a beer.

  “A Boulevard,” he said, smiling that sweet smile again.

  He had perfectly sculpted brows and long eyelashes, too.

  “Should we cheers to something?” I said.

  “Cheers to a good first date?”

  I laughed. It felt nice.

  “Okay, cheers to a good date!” I said, clinking my glass to his.

  For the first time ever, I actually had hopes this one would be a little different from the rest.

  CHAPTER Fourteen

  "So, this is definitely a first for me going out with someone who already knows about Ella. I didn’t have it out on my profile for a while at first when I started dating, and it felt like a coming-out story every time I brought it up. Then I put it on my profile, and it was a mixed bag of responses. You’re the first one who actually already knew more about Ella rather than Landon before a date,” he said before sipping from his drink and putting it down.

  “Not the same thing but similar reason as to why I put that I’m bi on my profile, but it gets met with different weird things as well. But starting off with radical honesty and transparency is really a great way to go because I would rather know sooner rather than later about all the hard stuff because I don’t like to waste my time, and I know pretty damn well what’s going to work and isn’t,” I said before sipping my drink, feeling bold and brazen.

  Was I rambling too much? I felt rambly.

  This would be interesting because he had said he liked being open. People would often tell me I was too blunt and too intense, but if you didn’t like it, you could go. I would not change who I was for anybody.

  “I really appreciate that, and, honestly, it’s really attractive to have someone ask for that and provide it in return. So, let’s do some hard stuff. Any hard questions you want to start off with first?” He grinned, his eyes dancing like he was ready for the challenge, like we were playing a game.

  And, boy, did we dig in.

  “Let’s start sort of soft. On your profile, you said you didn’t want kids. Do you stand by that?” I said, tilting my head.

  “Yeah, I’m not really a child person in general, as in, I don’t love them, so I can’t imagine a time where I would really want them. Glad we are starting off soft,” he said, laughing.

  I found myself chuckling, too.

  “Your profile said the same about kids, so I’m assuming we are on the same page? Seems like the next logical question is marriage?” His blue eyes hardly left mine.

  “Kids are a no from me as well. I want to get married. I actually was going to get married a couple years ago, but it didn’t work out, obviously. I really want something nontraditional in terms of a wedding, something that sort of says ‘Fuck the system, love wins!’ Marriage was at the top of my to-do list in that previous relationship, and, now, there is more life that I want to live, see, and do before I do that.”

  I disclosed more than I wanted. I was sure you were not supposed to bring up your past relationships/almost engagements on the first date. It was in a rule book somewhere, and I had just royally failed. I wanted to slap my palm to my forehead.

  “Same page about the marriage thing. I want people to leave my wedding and be like ‘That was the coolest fucking thing.’”

  More tension eased out of my shoulders. Responding like this was a totally chill conversation.

  “Ah, well, deep diving right into past relationships. I see your style here. I will match your past relationship and say that I was in a serious relationship for about four years, mostly long distance in college, and we broke up because she wanted to get married right away after college. It seemed very soon, but we were both really religious at this point, so we were staying abstinent until marriage,” he said, leaning forward with his elbows on the table.

  “Cool, okay. Religion can be up next on the agenda. Where are you now with it? And have you had any serious relationships since then, or has online dating been a trash experience thus far? Because mine has been pretty bad. I’ve yet to give out a second date because the morning after doesn’t count.”

  This felt like a fun drinking game instead of an interview. Like who could be the most vulnerable and honest to get the worst of us out there to make sure we aligned on the most important things before we went too far.

  What a weird and great way to start.

  “I’m not religious anymore. I was super church-y up until junior year of college and then realized it was full of bigotry and hypocrisy, and, now, I would say I am between agnostic and atheist. However, I still haven’t slept with anyone, so I am a virgin.” He paused and looked at me as if gauging my reaction.

  I blinked, and he kept going.

  Fatima was still a virgin because she was not interested in having sex. We had had many conversations about it being a toxic social construct for men and women. It didn’t phase me, but I knew he was probably expecting some reaction.

  I just hoped he would extend the same courtesy when I told him I didn’t know how many people I had slept with—definitely double digits. Some, I didn’t want to count because it was a drunken night that barely lasted a few minutes, and I could make up my own rules in talking about how many people I slept with, goddammit.

  “It’s not that I don’t want to sleep with anyone. I just haven’t really had the chance to be with someone who feels right. Ella started in college, and, from there, dating was hard at first because I didn’t know how to talk about it. So, of course it was hard for my dates to understand because I couldn’t really get it out of my face, you know? And then, when I could talk about it, I got really busy starting my business and building up my freelance hustle. Mix that in with living with my parents for a bit there and then navigating very mediocre online dates, and it just didn’t really happen. So, I haven’t really dated anyone seriously since my ex, Emily.” He sipped his drink.

  “Well, thanks for being vulnerable in telling me all that. I hope it doesn’t bother you that I have slept with a rough estimation of twenty or so people. Men and women included. I am spiritual, not necessarily religious. I grew up, like, sort of religious, but I have serious issues with the church on women’s issues, LGBTQIA+, sexual assault, and sooo many other things, so it’s definitely not my thing,” I said, sipping my drink casually.

  “Just so you know, I feel like I have no right to be bothered by what you’ve done in the past. It’s your life, and you should be able to live it free of judgment from your partner, date, friends, and family.”

  Well, that was well said.

  “I should mention, too, I talk about Ella and Landon in third person, which I know is sort of fucking weird. I am still figuring out how to talk about it in a way that makes more sense and just feels more comfortable. But it’s not a multiple personality thing, they are both me. I considered transitioning to Ella fully for a while a few years back, but I, ultimately, have settled into the reality that I think the duality will always be something I enjoy. I like being able to be both. I want there to be space for Ella and Landon in a relationship. Not just one or the other but a full embracing of both.”

  I nodded and smiled. I liked that everything was out in the open.

  “So, sometimes, I feel like that puts me in a weird spot, like I don’t fully identify with being trans, and I feel like I am not trans enough. But I don’t necessarily vibe with being nonbinary because Ella and Landon are very fully in the binary, and Ella is she/her and Landon is he/him. So, then, sometimes, I feel like I am also in a weird spot in the queer community because I’m not, like, queer enough, and I am straight. My sexuality isn’t in question, it’s just my gender identity . . .”

  He looked lost.

  “I don’t know. I am confused sometimes, so I just want to let you know that’s where my head is at.”

  I wanted to give him a big juicy hug because he looked like he could use one.

  “How do you feel about that idea of dating someone who is trans or transitioning? Or dating someone where there is both a man and woman identity present? Because it’s more than drag. Everyone loves a drag queen, and it’s easier to digest that way for other people. Even though I am not performing right now, I really just do vlogs because that’s my gig of videography, and it’s my creative outlet. So, that also occupies a weird space in ‘drag.’”

  Landon seemed to operate in a lot of in-between spaces, which was fine with me, but I understood how it could be confusing for other people.

  “However, if I am with someone, I want to be able to explore outside of the gender norms and binary we live in. I want it to be fluid, and, sometimes, I will want to feel like a woman. I want to have full space for all those things, which I know can be overwhelming and feel like a lot to take in for someone.”

  Landon’s voice was still cheerful but laced with a serious undertone. This conversation was important to have and for me to understand.

  I really wanted to get it right.

  “I would say that, since I am bi, being in a relationship with someone who embraces both is actually very attractive and appealing. I have more experience with relationships with men, and I have more comfort there, but gender identity isn’t a deal breaker for me. I would want to support my partner in what feels right for them, whether that’s transitioning fully or not. It’s not something that scares me or turns me away, and I hope that I could help support whoever I was with through whatever they want to do, too, and what feels the best and most comfortable in their identity and body.”

  I hoped I was conveying it wasn’t a deal breaker but that I also care because I want my partner to embrace who they are, and I will support them no matter what.

  “Okay, well, wow. That was a good answer,” he said, relaxing a little more.

  I know it was probably a difficult thing to bring up. I hated that anyone had made him feel like that was too much to ask for or that this was too much to expect from someone because, if you cared about someone, you should want them to be happy.

  “I don’t want to do like tokenize my brother here, but he is trans. So, I have experience supporting someone I love through gender affirming surgery, transitioning, and some of the confusing times in between, and verbally kicking anyone’s ass who likes to try to be hateful about it,” I said, trying to lighten this serious conversation.

  “Well, that’s good to know. I assume you’re an aggressive liberal by what you post on IG and what we’re talking about here and basically every interaction I’ve had with you thus far.”

  “You got it! Same for you?” I said, looking at my practically empty drink.

  “Yes, very liberal.”

  I realized his drink was almost gone, too.

  “I’ll get the next round,” I said, standing.

  Landon said he would take another drink, and I got another Mule.

  Things got a little lighter for the rest of the date. But still intense. We talked about who we were in high school. He was a band geek, and I was a popular volleyball player. Who we were in college. I was an overachiever in business school, and he was a whimsical theatre major. Our families. His was complicated. His half brother and dad weren’t very accepting of Ella, and his mom and half sister were but weren’t close, while my family was up each other’s asses constantly.

  Our love language. Both physical touch.

  Our Enneagram. Both eights.

  Our work . . .

  And, suddenly, the bar was closing, and it was 1:30 a.m.

  My face hurt from smiling and laughing so much. Between all the serious conversations, we seemed to find things to giggle about.

  “I feel like this is our cue to leave.” I looked around, and we were the only ones left.

  The music had stopped, and chairs were being flipped up on the tables.

  “Yeah, can I walk you to your car?”

  We made our way out of the bar and into the summer air. Even though we had just revealed so much of ourselves, it felt like we left the bubble of our bar where we shared a lot of the hard things. What were we going to do next?

  It was a scary thought to think that nothing he said tonight had turned me off. I wanted to get to know and understand more of what this was. It was as if I looked at my mental list of my dream partner, and the possibility of someone actually fitting the list scared the shit out of me because what would I do about it?

  I panicked about us kissing, too. I don’t care what anyone says. Being intimate with someone for the first time is nerve-racking, no matter the amount of other people you have been with. Like, how do they like to be kissed? Lots of tongue? Nibbling? Grabbing and groping? Soft and sweet or aggressive and rough?

  Things we didn’t talk about, but we would have to learn by taking time to explore each other’s bodies, likes, and dislikes.

  I stopped in front of my car and turned to look at him. “Well, this is me. I had a really good time tonight—like, probably the best first date I’ve ever had.” I smiled.

  A second date was a mind-boggling thought.

  “Me too. I’d really like to see you again if you want to go on a second date.” He folded his arms across his chest.

  “I would really like that, too.”

  We both did that thing where we stared at each other and then looked away, not sure how you say goodbye to someone you spilled your guts to for five hours straight. Who wasn’t exactly a stranger anymore but wasn’t exactly anything else . . .

  “Okay, well, have a goodnight,” he said, and we hugged.

  It was nice and sweet and then he turned around and walked to his car and waved at me before hopping in. It was actually sort of nice we didn’t kiss. It was the first time I had ever done that. The first time that physical intimacy wasn’t expected after emotional vulnerability and that it was okay if things went a little slow. It wasn’t bad at all, just different, and I think I liked it.

  I stood there in a weird daze, wondering why I wasn’t getting the hell in my vehicle, so I forced myself to get in.

  “Okay, that was really nice.” I pulled out of the parking lot.

  And nice was really fucking nice.

  CHAPTER Fifteen

  It had been four days since our date and nothing.

  No text, no call, no IG reply, nothing.

  I wanted desperately to text him and be like Hey, I know we spilled every living secret of ourselves the other night, but honest to God, I don’t know what to say to you now, but I really want to talk to you. But it felt too emotionally raw, too vulnerable. So, what did I do?

  I said nothing, like a freaking coward.

  “Just text him, you big bi baby,” Cory said as we sat on the couch that Wednesday, when I checked my phone for the hundredth time in the last twenty minutes.

  “It’s like watching a car crash. I can’t look away, but I want to,” Connor said from the kitchen.

  I looked over my shoulder at him and scowled.

  “Not everyone’s dating story starts with being infatuated with each other right away, okay?” I pouted and folded my arms.

  Cory laughed, and Connor said, “Babe, we are gay. It’s supposed to move fast. Don’t play me.”

  I laughed this time. “Okay, but I don’t know what to say. Why is this so hard?! I actually like him . . . but we didn’t kiss at the end of the date. Neither of us made a move, like, at all. So, there’s this intense emotional and mental connection, but what if he didn’t feel a physical one? What if I don’t feel one?!” My eyes went wide.

  I had replayed the end of our date several times, and it felt sort of nice we didn’t kiss, but did that mean he wasn’t attracted to me? Or that I wasn’t attracted to him? Or was this just society’s heteronormative dating bullshit contaminating my brain and my wonderful first date?!