Okay, it was time to go to bed and stop freaking out and over dramatizing my life and this whole thing. I could navigate this. I was a grown-ass woman who knew what she wanted and didn’t settle for less. I was twenty-six years old for god’s sake.

  I shouldn’t be worried if someone likes me. I should be worried if I like them. So, it would be fine.

  I needed to focus on what I wanted and needed, not the other way around.

  Deep breath.

  Time to sleep and, hopefully, not have an anxiety dream.

  Things would work out the way they were supposed to.

  I had faith in that, at least.

  CHAPTER Twelve

  I woke up the next day to a new message.

  Landon: Elena! Good morning!

  This is probably forward but transparency is my policy. I find it really attractive that you’re also outgoing, and you just totally matched my energy. I think it would be a lot of fun to meet up if you’d be interested in doing something. Let me know, and we can see where our schedules align.

  Okay, so, we were breezing past the awkward talking over text and app phase. LOVE THAT.

  I couldn’t stand it when someone texted me without making moves to meet in person. It felt like a giant waste of time. I could tell pretty damn quickly in person if I vibed with a person or if it would work out. Texting was hard because some people legitimately failed at texting, which was fine. You could be terrible at texting, but you couldn’t suck in person, and I would rather know that sooner than later.

  I tried not to think too hard about this message and just let it flow through my fingertips like I was super composed and not losing my shit that he wanted to meet.

  Me: Hi! I would love to meet up. Not too forward at all. I would much rather get to know someone in person than over an app, so I honestly really appreciate it. What does your schedule look like?

  Easy. Boom. Done.

  Whew, okay. I needed to not obsess over it and start on some things I needed to get done today.

  I needed to confirm my studio schedules with a few places I was working at and send new availability to another studio who wanted me to work there. I needed to tune in for my friend Autumn’s Diversity and Inclusion training for those in the wellness community soon, too.

  The next day was when I was going in for the colposcopy, and I needed to do research. Maybe that would be first on my to-do list, as I was still laying in my bed. I could do a little google search while relaxing.

  You know how everyone tells you to not look on WebMD, and you know not to, right? But you do it anyway? That was what happened, and let me tell you: it wasn’t pretty. Sounded fucking painful to have a piece of your cervix torn off, then sent off for the biopsy.

  Also, a little low-key pissed because I got the Gardasil vaccine, which was supposed to protect you from the HPV virus, but, apparently, I got it when it first came out, and it didn’t protect against as many strains when it was first introduced. So, I probably had a strain of HPV cells that wasn’t included in the early round of the vaccine.

  Well, fan-fucking-tastic.

  Apparently, it wasn’t supposed to hurt any worse than getting an IUD like the doctor had said, but Lord knows that hurt like a son of a bitch going in. So, even if it were a similar experience, it would not be pleasant. At least I was making smarter decisions about birth control, even if I wasn’t making the best decisions to have safer sex by wearing some barrier method.

  I made a note on my phone to go get even more condoms because I would make better choices. It said that I should take some Advil before, eat, and hydrate. Amazing, I could do all those things.

  I looked at the time and realized that I could still take a yoga class, make my diversity training, and respond to those emails later. A good way to distract myself and clear my head was to just get this body moving.

  Landon would reply when he did, and I would need to take a deep breath until then. It wasn’t like this was a do or die situation here. It was online dating.

  Okay, Elena, time to make this day count.

  ***

  Monday morning came, and I still hadn’t heard from Landon. I tried not to think about it too much. Like Fatima said, people could take time to respond. It had only been twenty-four hours . . . That wasn’t too long, right? Just because my ass was glued to my phone twenty-four seven didn’t mean other people were. Honestly, I should have better boundaries with being available because I was too available to the studios I worked at.

  That was another beast for another time.

  Anyway, my day started with me sitting in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood, trying to relax and focus on my breathing and not freak out about what would happen.

  The nurse took me back and gave me my lovely little half gown and sheet of paper to change into. Okay, this would be fine. A few moments of discomfort for better information about my body. This was a good thing! I was being responsible and doing the right thing for my sexual health and my future partners.

  A knock came from the door before the doctor came in. “Hi, Elena! How are you feeling today?”

  “Trying not to freak out, honestly,” I said, smiling weakly.

  “Having some fears about the procedure and nervousness about today is totally normal. I am going to walk through what we are going to do today and then, if you have any questions or other concerns, let’s chat about them before we get started, okay?” She sat across from me in my flimsy gown, oozing warmth.

  “Okay.” I swallowed and nodded.

  “Okay, so, today, I am going to go in and spray this little spray of vinegar and water on your cervix. I will start just like a pap and then will come the spray. It will light up any cells that are abnormal. From there, I will take a small sample and that is what we will send off to be biopsied. It won’t be the most comfortable. You may cramp some during the procedure and after. There may even be a little bleeding as well, so just give your body some time to rest. We recommend not having any penetrative intercourse or putting anything in your vagina for about a week.”

  Trying to digest the information and praying silently that it wouldn’t be excruciatingly painful, I nodded.

  “The biopsy will come back with a level of abnormality, and if it is above a certain level, we will want to treat the cells. We will talk about treatment if it comes back at that level but if it’s low enough, we will just come back in a year to get another pap done, and, hopefully by that time, your body has just taken care of it!” She clasped her hands and leaned toward me as she finished.

  “Great, I mean, I had the IUD put in, so it can’t be worse than that, right?” I said, wanting her to validate it wouldn’t hurt that bad.

  “Right! The IUD is much more painful,” she said as she put her gloves on.

  “Also, how do I talk about this with future partners? Like, what do I say?” I said, twiddling my thumbs and clenching my jaw.

  “My policy is to always tell sexual partners about your sexual health. Open and honest communications are a great way to have safer sex. Barrier methods can help prevent it from spreading, but it’s not foolproof. Since HPV is transmitted from skin-to-skin contact and not bodily fluids, it’s not a guarantee that you wouldn’t transmit it.”

  We had talked about this some last time, but I felt like I kept blacking out our conversations, thanks to my skyrocketing anxiety.

  “If they are not understanding and empathetic about it, I would recommend not sleeping with them and finding someone else who is. I know there is a lot of stigma around STIs, but there doesn’t need to be. It’s very common, normal, and treatable,” she said with a little bite.

  She was definitely a hardcore liberal.

  I was here for it.

  “Cool, okay, just nervous about disclosing that to someone you know? Feels like a big thing even though it isn’t?” I bit my lip.

  She nodded. “It’s okay to be nervous to talk about it. Just know it’s normal, and you are doing the right thing by being here and asking questions.”

  I smiled back with a curt nod.

  “All right, Elena, you ready to get this over with?” She moved to put the light on her head and grabbed her tools.

  “Yes, let’s do this,” I said, leaning back.

  It was standard: put your feet in the lovely stirrups, the light touch, the speculum, et cetera. Until she had to spray my cervix and scoop out the weird cells.

  “You have a very petite cervix. If you decide to have children, I would recommend we talk about birth options.”

  I tried not to laugh.

  What a weird day.

  “Okay, thanks.”

  “Almost done, Elena, you’re doing great!”

  I tried not to wince and tense my body as she continued to take a few samples. It wasn’t as painful as I thought, but it wasn’t comfortable.

  For god’s sake, I was a yoga teacher. I could focus on my breathing and find some stillness.

  “All done.” She wheeled away and took off the glasses.

  “I’ll call you personally with your results in about a week or so. Don’t stress until then and remember to give your body some time to heal. If anything weird pops up, just give us a call, okay?” she said as she left me to get dressed.

  After that whole experience, I needed a large iced coffee and a breakfast sandwich to get me through the day. So, I got dressed and looked at my phone.

  I had another message!

  Landon: Hey Elena!

  Super long work day on the weekend. I am free on Friday, any chance you’re available then?

  My calendar was marked that my class ended at 7:30 p.m. that night, so I was free but late. If I said I could do something at like 8:30 p.m., did that feel like a weird booty call, or was it fine? That was a normal time to get drinks or something less committal than dinner, so it was probably fine, right?

  I mean, either way, I didn’t have a choice. I had a class, so after 8:30 p.m. would have to work, and if he felt weird about it, it wasn’t meant to be. But I hoped he was down for it.

  Me: Hey!

  I am free after 7:30pm I teach a class then and I would need just a little time to get ready so maybe like 8:30ish? We could have drinks if that sounds good!

  Aaaand send.

  I could do this dating thing with no problem, right?!

  No positive affirmations or manifestations would ever make that statement true, so I left the office and headed to get my celebratory post colposcopy coffee and food.

  I got into the studio about forty-five minutes early to enjoy my coffee and sandwich in silence and answered emails.

  I loved teaching at multiple places around the city, but whenever I got hired at new places, I had to do all the new onboarding and training, which ate a lot of time since I was being onboarded at two new places. I was in a constant state of finessing my schedule.

  I had been doing this for a while now, too, so I knew how to run a class and be a professional. I needed to know things like where to park, how to clock in, and how to check people in for class at new places.

  It was fine, though.

  Busy was good. It jelled with my avoidant nature.

  Not sure where the hell I thought I could fit a relationship in, but I would figure it out. In the meantime, I didn’t have to worry about that since I only had the prospect of a date on the horizon, nothing more.

  So, I would see how things went and figure it out day by day.

  CHAPTER Thirteen

  We settled on Friday, and I had the whole week to try to not freak out about it. He had sent along a list of fun things to do in Kansas City and asked for my top two picks.

  I picked a local bar and a music venue downtown.

  The week was busy as usual, and our conversations were minimal. He replied to a few of my Instagram stories because I was a raging liberal on IG, and I liked his vlog from the week before. He confirmed the time and activity the day of, and that is how I flew through my chaotic Friday and getting ready at the studio after my class, with Autumn sitting in the locker rooms with me.

  “Why am I so nervous?” I said as I was putting on my makeup and trying to figure out what the hell I would do with my sweaty wet hair.

  I had taken a shower because I had no time to wash and dry my hair, so, here I was, sitting naked on the locker room floor, trying to air-dry and do my makeup.

  “Because you think you could actually like him, and he is a part of the queer community in a different way than you were expecting, so I think this feels exciting and new to you,” she said as she sipped on her water, sitting cross-legged from me on the floor.

  We had talked about how, in Kansas City, it was hard. I wasn’t super integrated into a specific queer community here. I had my people, and we went out to bars, but I didn’t feel like I knew what was going on. I wanted to, but I was so fucking busy I didn’t have time to attend meetings or gatherings, and the bar scene was minimal. I could donate my money and spread awareness on social media, but I didn’t have the means to do much else.

  Made me feel like a shitty bisexual.

  Not to mention the drag community wasn’t huge in the KC area. I followed a few local drag queens, but we had, like, a handful of gay bars, and that was really it. It wasn’t like in Chicago or anything like that. It was very Midwest.

  “It does feel exciting, and I do think I could actually like him. Did you look at Ella’s Instagram that I sent you?”

  Dry shampoo would fix the mess that was my hair and then I could braid it into something presentable. I was good at braiding. I could turn this into something less terrible.

  “Yeah, I saw the video about transitioning to Ella full time. It was pretty candid and a bit heavy,” she said, pulling it up on her phone and scrolling.

  “I know, and I take that really seriously. As in, going out with Landon means going out with Ella, too. I already took a small deep dive into my own psyche to make sure that I was being responsible here and making sure that I understood that and had the ability to love and support all of Landon and Ella.” I smacked my lips and turned to the side in the mirror.

  “Good, because if you can’t meet someone as they are, then you don’t have any business getting involved. Proud of you for making sure you were ready to open yourself fully up to someone and have them see you, and you see them.” She squeezed my knee.

  She knew I had baggage. I was in an emotionally manipulative relationship, and I had healed from that. But I didn’t know what past triggers or trauma would pop up in a new relationship, which is why I was armed with my therapist, my self-soothing tools, my support system, and my self-awareness to set me up for success.

  I stood, put deodorant on, and finished braiding my hair. I grabbed the silk green bodysuit I was planning on wearing and pulled it carefully over my head. I swear, every time I tried to button the bottom part of my bodysuit, I felt like I was doing an impromptu yoga pose.

  “Uh, E . . .” Autumn said as I went to grab my dark jeans.

  “What’s up?” I said, pulling them on and getting ready to button them.

  “You fucked up.” She laughed.

  “What do you mean?” I said, looking at her face, confused.

  “You just got deodorant alllll over your bodysuit!” She pointed to the sides, where dark wet stains plastered the emerald green bodysuit.

  “Shit! I didn’t bring another shirt, and I don’t have a bra because this is a braless top!!”

  Panic pitched my voice, and I looked at her helplessly.

  “I mean, you could buy a top from the studio. I’m sure there’s just like a black cropped tank somewhere in our retail,” Autumn said, leaving the locker room.

  “Of course this would happen,” I said, groaning and shimmying out of my jeans to get rid of the body suit.

  “Fuck me,” I mumbled as I threw off the body suit and pulled my pants back on. I leaned out of the locker room and called out. “Find anything?”

  She came back with a cropped black tank that looked very workout-like.

  “This is the best we got, babes,” she said and pulled the tag off to ring it up as I slipped it on.

  “I mean, it will have to do.” I looked at myself in the mirror.

  I was dressed all in black, and my hair was braided into two long pull-through braids starting at the crown of my head. Heavy bi-wife energy, but it was fine. I didn’t mind it—I just would have rather worn what I brought.

  Off to a great start, E.

  Ugh.

  “Okay, I need to leave and go do this,” I said, smiling as I walked into the lobby.

  Autumn threw away my receipt. “Go have fun! You’re all taken care of here.”

  We hugged quickly before I ran out to my car. It was a ten-minute drive.

  When I got there, I sat in my car, trying to breathe easy.

  He messaged me, saying he was inside.

  “Get out of the car, E,” I said, urging myself forward.

  The front of the bar was a huge open space with a dance floor and stairs leading to a second floor only a few feet above. A large bar stood in the middle of a large square space on the second level with seating and corridors.

  “Elena!” a female voice said.

  I scanned the room and spotted Tyra, my colleague from work. She was tall and curvy, with long brown hair and dark-brown skin.

  “Tyra! Hey! So nice to see you! I didn’t realize you worked here,” I said as we hugged, and she smiled at me.

  “So good to see you!”

  “You too! I am, actually, supposed to meet someone here on a first date,” I said while scanning the room.

  She winked at me. “Is it a blonde boy with pretty blue eyes and a nice smile named Landon?” She walked me over to a corridor.

  “Yes, actually,” I said, confused.