I shook my head and told myself to breathe, that there are a lot of other things going on right now and this could wait. Right?

  I should probably just mentally table this.

  “Linc?” She eyed me with her golden eyes.

  I whipped my head towards her and panicked for a moment, because what if she could actually hear my thoughts.

  “Ahem, yeah let’s go,” I said, grabbing my coat and following her out. “Fuck. Get it together, Linc,” I mumbled to myself.

  I can do all of this.

  I’m fine.

  Really.

  At least that’s what I kept telling myself.

  We made our way back to my apartment after we took a detour to Priya’s to grab some books. She agreed to get some takeout and walk me through the gatekeepers’ manuals. Mara was out for the night so we had the place to ourselves.

  “How do you feel about sushi?” I asked, sitting on the couch and wrapping myself in a blanket. Priya had taken the floor in front of the coffee table, books fanned around her.

  “Love it,” she said smiling at me. Her long hair was tumbling on either side of her face. She was casual again today in a white cropped hoodie and black leggings. Her chains wrapped around her belly and poked out every so often. I was trying really hard not to be distracted by them or the fact that they’re secretly magic weapons.

  I ordered delivery and sat next to her on the floor.

  “So what, exactly, am I looking at here?” I eyed the pile of various-sized handbooks she brought. Some looked tattered and worn, like they were straight out of fairytale, while others looked brand new. I truly had no idea where to begin.

  Priya had brought sticky notes, and started putting them on the covers.

  History of GK, Afterworld 101, Deathwalker Code, Magic and Weapons…

  “Okay, so I put little notes on them to tell you what they’re about. You can really start wherever you want, but I’m going to suggest this one.” She handed over one of the large, older-looking ones. The spine was falling apart and it looked like it had seen some better days. “This is about the history of the mortal realm and the afterworld.”

  I took the heavy book and flipped it around in my hands.

  “So basically like the Bible, but this is legit,” I said, laughing a little to myself. I’m not exactly religious. I do believe that something has to happen after you die. But I never really got on board with the heaven and hell concept. “You could probably destroy religions, countries, and governments with this.”

  I cracked it open and ran my fingers over the worn pages. I shivered a little thinking about how powerful this text is. It felt important and significant in my hands. I looked up. Priya was staring at me intensely, tilting her head to the side, and a muscle in her jaw twitched slightly.

  “What?” I asked blankly.

  “No one has ever really put it that way before, but yeah. The truth behind those pages could create a lot of chaos, even though most people wouldn’t believe it to be true. But I suppose that’s the power of free will. You get to choose how to live your life,” she said, pulling her knees to her chest.

  “So I was born in India. We moved to London before my parents died, and I remember most of my friends in India practiced Hinduism. Then, when my brother and I went to live with my aunt and uncle, a lot of people practiced some form of Christianity. We were taught from a young age about our heritage as gatekeepers and it was hard. As a child, it’s hard to comprehend not fitting in. We couldn’t exactly explain the truth because the truth isn’t religion. It just is. But people’s perception is their own truth.

  “I often wonder whether we could make the world a better place if we told everyone what lies in that text, but I have to remind myself that it doesn’t mean people would believe it. Religion is, so often, used as a weapon against marginalized people, myself included. A lesbian brown Indian girl in the United States is an easy target for bigotry. I have seen it and felt it deeply before. It’s disgusting that religion is used as a weapon to force agendas, instead of a belief system to help connect and uplift others.” Her eyes turned watery and she shook her head.

  “I think having something to believe in is wonderful. Having purpose, or something bigger than yourself, is essential for all human life to feel grounded. But religion really isn’t that anymore. It’s weaponized, just like so many other things. There is so much racism, homophobia, misogyny, and a whole lot of other terrible things that the gatekeeper community often ignores as a way to stay impartial. But it feels like a cop-out. Our community is inclusive and diverse, yes, but these things affect everyone, even us. And we pretend it doesn’t because we live by slightly different rules. It feels very complicated.” She drew her knees in even closer and hugged herself, rocking slightly.

  “I know it isn’t our job to save humanity from itself. Our job is to help them move to the next step, to the afterlife. It’s been difficult, at times, to remind myself of this. But where is the balance in staying impartial and keeping people safe? I know that I help the world by guiding people to peace after their death. But I wonder if we could prevent some of the lost and trapped ones from becoming something heinous in the first place if we were more open about what life and death are. If we fixed the problem, instead of just treating the symptoms, you know?”

  Tears slipped down her cheeks, and I wasn’t sure what to say to make it better.

  I agreed with everything that she said and my heart hurt for what she’s had to endure because of the way of the world. I don’t know exactly what she’s faced. But I have a pretty good idea. The simple existence of my bigger body was a problem a lot of people wanted to “solve,” and dehumanized as well.

  Gently, I set the book down and scooted over towards her, wrapping my arm around her. She rested her head on my shoulder and I just held on.

  “The world is a nasty, unfair place. I’m sorry it hasn’t been kind to you. And I’m even more sorry that so much of this weighs on your shoulders. But know there is nothing wrong with who you are. The world is wrong, not you. And you shouldn’t have to carry all of this on your own.” I pulled away and put my hands on either side of her face, our breath mingling together.

  “You are the most spectacular lesbian brown Indian girl I’ve ever met. And each of those pieces of your identity are beautiful and special and deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, just like all the other pieces that make up who you are, Priya,” I said, pinning her with my eyes.

  “I know the world hasn’t always been kind to you either, Lincoln. I want you to know I see you, on the outside and the inside. You are one of the most brilliant, beautiful thing I have ever seen,” she whispered.

  My heart nearly exploded out of my chest. She saw me.

  Tears started to slip from my eyes as her gaze grew more intense.

  She brushed her fingertips against the wetness on my cheeks, and I stared at her lips.

  Damn it. They were painted red again and all I wanted to do was touch them with my own. What was wrong with me?

  I should have ignored the heat pooling in my belly. I’d been doing a pretty good job of doing that thus far. I really had no business getting involved with someone else right now. Plus, I was just now figuring out who I am. And Priya was crying because the world’s a fucked up place for anyone who isn’t a heterosexual white male who fits into regular societal beauty standards.

  Before I could tell myself this wasn’t a good idea, Priya leaned forward and brushed her lips against mine, barely making contact. I closed my eyes for a moment, opening them again to see her chest heaving and something dark simmering in her pupils. Her sorrow and anguish were there, but so was something else.

  The kiss tingled on my lips and I wanted to know what more would feel like. I wanted to know what Priya would feel like.

  My hands caressed her jaw, and I stopped thinking altogether and eliminated the space between our mouths. I pressed my lips to hers and something inside of me broke open. The heat in my belly raced through my body and I groaned as Priya’s tongue started to gently explore my mouth. She nibbled at my bottom lip.

  I wrapped my hands around her neck and felt her fingers wrap about my waist. Suddenly she was on top of me, her body pressed into mine as we tumbled to the floor. Her beautiful breasts, hips, and legs were all tangled in mine, and her hands were everywhere as she tore her lips away and started moving along my jaw and down my neck.

  Wet heat formed between my thighs and all I could think of was: I need more.

  More. More. More.

  I gasped as her hands, smooth and agile, fanned over the softness of my belly and traveled up my sweater until her touch was on my breasts, kneading slightly as her mouth continued to taste the skin toward my ear, then down my neck. All I wanted was more friction from her in between my thighs.

  “Priya.” I moaned her name as her hips moved against me slowly.

  I felt like everything was on fire and I wanted all our clothes off. But the most I could do was hold on as she worked her mouth and her hands over the dips and valleys of my body. Pleasure built from my center, aching to be released. Her mouth left tingles all over my skin, and I wanted more. I needed more.

  “Delivery!” Someone knocked on the door, and Priya whipped her head up. I stared at her, fully convinced she was the most spectacular thing I had ever seen before. What the fuck was this feeling in my body?

  She smiled down at me wickedly and smashed her lips to mine, thrusting her tongue in boldly and pulling at my lower lip as she backed away from me.

  “I’ll get it,” she said as she climbed off of me. I just lay there in a daze, wondering what happened and how it could happen again with fewer clothes.

  “Thank you,” she mumbled as the delivery guy looked over to where I was sprawled on the floor with swollen lips, my sweater barely covering my breasts.

  “Can I join?” he asked.

  “Fucking hell. No! Shove off!” Priya slammed the door and I burst out laughing.

  “I hate men,” I said, closing my eyes and throwing an arm over my head as I giggled deliriously. I would not let the creepy delivery guy kill this moment.

  Priya brought the food over and sat down next to me as I sat up. I smiled goofily at her and she smirked back at me.

  “I’ve never kissed a girl. I would very much like to do it again. Very soon. Maybe with less clothing? And maybe with kisses in other places?” I said, scooting closer to her, encasing her with my legs on either side of her hips.

  Her smile widened then. “I didn’t want to push things because of your broken engagement, and I didn’t really know how you felt about women,” she said quietly. Her eyes still simmered with desire.

  “I feel like my engagement was for someone else. Another Lincoln. It’s not to say I’m fully over the grief and pain, but I know that he will never be what I want. And I know that who I am now can’t be in a relationship like that again. I always identified as straight. I mean, I’ve been with the same man for almost a decade. And I’ve either been in that relationship or been recovering from it, but I know that I like you. And I don’t need a label on my sexuality to know that I want you. I guess I am bisexual? Queer? I don’t know if that exactly feels right, but I do know this…,” I gestured between us, “this feels right.” Her hands tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, and she pressed her lips to my forehead.

  “It feels right for me, too.” She kissed the top of my nose and my mouth slowly, like she was memorizing every part of me. That wet heat flooded back to my inner thighs and ached to be released by her fingers.

  “Now, let’s eat!” she said before smacking one final loud kiss on my mouth. I sat there dumbfounded, my lips parted.

  “But what if I’m hungry for something else,” I pouted deliberately, looking at every part of her body and licking my lips dramatically.

  “Come on, there will be plenty of time for that, love.“ She laughed and opened our takeout boxes.

  I grinned at her, wondering how I had gotten so lucky to find someone like her.

  12

  The next few days, I was enveloped in the books Priya gave me.

  We didn’t get to spend a ton of time together because she was busy with gatekeeper things. My brain was practically overflowing with all this new information, and I was still recovering from receiving my sight.

  It was weird how easily we seemed to fit together in this new world I was now a part of. We hadn’t shared any more heat-laden kisses. She would usually arrive and leave with a kiss on my cheek or at the corner of my mouth, like she was worried her lips might chase me away.

  When it was, in fact, the exact opposite.

  With every chaste kiss and casual touch I wanted to see and feel more of her, more of us.

  I hadn’t stopped thinking about the other night and what it meant. I’d only ever really been with Isaac. I mean, there were a few times when we weren’t dating that I hooked up with a random guy, but nothing serious, and never with a woman. And it was always disappointing, like they had no knowledge of how to work with a vagina or a clitoris. Honestly, it was laughable how terrible it was.

  Even though I knew I was still healing and adapting to my life without Isaac, I also knew I couldn’t control the timing of things. I wanted to explore this. I needed to understand this part of who I am, my sexuality. Was it genuinely a new thing, or had it always been something I just never took time to explore, and simply ignored?

  When I really thought about it, I realized that sometimes I have dreams about myself with women. Then there was the time when I was fourteen, horny as shit, and thinking about having sex with every living being. I’d just assumed it was normal to think about banging men and women at that age because my hormones were out of control. Then I met Isaac, and I never really gave myself room to explore my sexuality. Even though sometimes, when I masturbated I wasn’t thinking about a man between my legs, but rather a woman.

  Holy shit.

  The signs were all there and I’d brushed them aside. Cisgender heteronormativity really got me good for the first two decades of my life. Honestly, I’m not sure why I ever thought I was one-hundred-percent straight to begin with, now that I’d tallied it all up.

  I was excited, and terrified, to navigate these feelings with Priya. I smiled thinking about the way her lips felt against mine, and the heat in my belly started to trickle even further down my body. Everything about her called to me. I wanted to take all the time in the world to explore our connection, without the distraction of everything else going on.

  I sighed and realized that I should really be focused on other things. My life had completely flipped upside down, and I needed to zero in on the task at hand.

  I was trying to pace myself with everything, but I felt like I had been starved for years. As if my body and my head had been holding space for all of this for decades, and I was trying to put all the pieces together in a speedrun. And in the holes, I tried to puzzle in hours of reading and research, even though I was technically on bed rest. But the headaches were just a whisper now, and I was eager to use my newfound power. I’d been behind a veil for so long, I was yearning to see and experience everything with my own eyes, which is how I found out that the GK not only has a whole library of books hidden away, easily accessed through the directory hall. They also have an intranet of sorts, where information is readily available and shared. Emir had happily indulged my questions and pointed me to their internal mainframe since I was plowing through the books he’d already given me.

  I felt like a kid in a candy store ready to taste every new flavor, which is how I ended up, that Saturday evening, Googling random things on their database, including Priya and her job at GK. Only to realize that I didn’t even know her last name. I tried a different approach. I looked up “head of USA branch” in the search bar, and Emir’s name popped up: Emir Banks-Haldar.

  Hmmm okay. I started to dig further, which is how I found their parents.

  Priya had mentioned that she grew up with her aunt and uncle after her parents died, but she never said how they died, and I never asked. It was something I wanted her to share with me when it felt right, not because I was being a nosy bitch and inquiring about it. Although I was being an exceptionally nosy bitch now.

  Henry Banks and Sneha Haldar.

  Henry Banks had been a particularly gifted gatekeeper, while Sneha was a rare gatekeeper with oracle abilities. I didn’t exactly know what either of those things meant. I scanned the information. Twenty-five years ago, a demon brutally attacked their home. The report was detached and factual.

  Blood on the walls.

  Both hearts missing.

  Claw marks on the bodies.

  Thankfully, their children were untouched, hidden in an underground bunker in their home.

  Are all GK deaths recorded like this, or only the demon attacks? I thought demon attacks that lead to deaths were rare. At least, that was the impression Priya gave me. I clicked on the link in the case file, and my stomach rolled with unease. It was all laid out like an official police report. The pictures were clinical, labeled, and numbered, showing the complete destruction of the bodies.

  Blood-soaked clothes, stained walls, open wounds, and mangled flesh all recorded and on full display. It was like a punch to the gut knowing these people who Priya loved and cherished were taken away from her so viciously.

  I wondered how painful it all must’ve been, for her and Emir to have gone through this. But I couldn’t look away. I couldn’t stop. I needed to know why this had even occurred in the first place.

  I kept scanning until they talked about the demon. It said Priya had seen him and his name was “Inanis,” which sounded like Latin, so I quickly Googled it and it came back as void or emptiness. That is absolutely terrifying. I swallowed the lump that had begun to form in my throat and squeezed my eyes shut to fight back angry tears.