I read a book to the girls and then curled up beside them, listening as their breathing evened out in sleep. My eyes had finally closed and I was just starting to drift when the sound of Ansel’s cries came through the wall.

  It happened again and again, just as I was about to fall asleep that newborn squall would make my eyes pop open on instinct. The next day wasn’t any better. Esther couldn’t put the baby down without him waking and screaming.

  For the next three weeks, Esther, Otto and I took turns carrying him around strapped to our chests in a carrier. Sometimes, even that didn’t help.

  His pediatrician said he was gaining plenty of weight so it must be colic and that he’d grow out of it. The midwife advised her to take Ansel to a chiropractor and talk to a nursing consultant. Nothing worked. They took Ansel back to the pediatrician. They couldn’t find anything wrong. The poor baby just fussed and cried unless he was being held.

  Heather stopped by to carry him around so we could have a break. Emilia brought dinner. Nova and her grandma came over with toys for the girls and took their turns with Ansel. Myla stopped by one night, wrapped Ansel up tight, carried him outside, and walked with him for two hours while he fussed off and on. Even Otto’s brothers and Dad came by, bringing food and staying for a while so they could take their turns carrying around the baby boy.

  Titus was at the house almost as often as Heather, taking the girls—and sometimes Ansel—outside to play for hours. I tried not to read too much into his nearly constant presence, but Esther sure did. I didn’t know how many times I hushed her when she started teasing him. Hey, Titus, you’re here again? Goodness, I’ve seen you more in the last few weeks than my entire relationship with your brother! I wonder why we’ve seen you so much lately…

  I would’ve been angry that she wouldn’t let it go if I hadn’t seen how tired Esther was and how hard she was trying to make everything seem normal. If teasing me and Titus brightened her day a little, I wasn’t going to stop her.

  Our nerves were frayed. None of us were sleeping. I felt so badly for my sister that I tried to pitch in wherever I could, but it was no use. There was only so much crying that anyone could take and we were all struggling.

  Eventually, even the girls were wound tight.

  One night, about an hour before bedtime, Ansel began to cry again. My mom had called it The Witching Hour when Ariel was a baby. I wasn’t sure what it was about that time of night, but almost like clockwork Ansel began to scream even though Otto was pacing back and forth with him at the bottom of the stairs.

  For some reason, Diana decided that she’d had enough and started to wail too. It was like their voices were echoing off each other.

  Esther started to cry, her face in her hands.

  I snatched Diana off the floor and hurried her out to the front porch, giving her the pacifier I’d stashed in my pocket. She quieted almost instantly but continued to hiccup pitifully.

  It was too much.

  There were too many of us in the small house. I was so thankful for everything Otto and Esther had done for me and I knew that they’d never ask us to leave—but my sister was hanging on by a thread and having three extra people in her house all the time was making it worse.

  I rocked Diana on the porch, thinking about all the ways I’d imagined helping Esther after she’d had the baby. I’d dreamed up a whole scenario where we’d sit side by side, nursing our happy babies while we watched the kids play in the yard. Instead, we’d become just one more thing for her to worry about on top of a newborn would couldn’t seem to settle.

  We needed to move.

  Chapter 10

  Titus

  “You’re such an old man now,” Frankie complained, throwing a strawberry slice at my head. “I swear to God, if you don’t take at least a sip of that whiskey I’m throwing this bowl at your head.”

  “Yeah, force feed the man booze,” Cian mused. “That seems like a good idea.”

  “I just hung with you guys last night,” I reminded Frankie as I put my boots on. “Was I not entertaining enough?”

  “Ignore her,” Myla ordered, glancing at me over the island. “I think it’s sweet that you go help with Ansel. I don’t know how they’re dealing with it. I’ve only held him a few times and the crying is intense.”

  “He’s not always cryin’,” I argued. “He’s just not ever settled, either.”

  “Have they figured out what’s wrong?” Lou asked sympathetically. “Something must be going on for him to be that fussy.”

  “He’s been to the doctor a couple times. They said he’s healthy and strong. They can’t figure out what his deal is.”

  “He was premature, right?”

  “Only like a week.” I stood up and pulled my hoodie over my head. If I didn’t hurry up, I wasn’t going to make it to Otto’s before the girls’ bedtime. “They said he was fine.”

  “Premature babies have an increased risk of colic,” Lou said with a grimace. I’d forgotten that she’d gotten her nursing degree. It didn’t really come up in conversation since she wasn’t using it. “Tell Esther that she should see if maybe he’s got an allergy to something in her diet. Sometimes that can give them a tummy ache when they’re breastfeeding.”

  “You’re such a know it all,” Myla teased. She looked over at me seriously, worry in her eyes. “But maybe you should mention it.”

  “I will. Thanks, Lou.”

  “I’m not a doctor—”

  “Yet!” Myla and Frankie both yelled at the same time.

  “Just,” Lou paused. “Tell her I learned a little about it in some of my classes and it’s worth looking into.”

  “I think they’re ready to try anything at this point,” I replied with a nod.

  I slipped out the kitchen door just as Frankie realized that I hadn’t in fact touched the glass of whiskey she’d poured.

  Bas was in the garage when I stepped inside.

  “Goin’ over to Otto’s place?” he asked knowingly, sitting on the bench along the far wall.

  “Yeah. What the hell are you doin’ out here.”

  “Long day, man,” he said with a sigh, stretching out his legs and crossing them at the ankle. “Just wanted a little piece and quiet before I joined the circus inside.”

  “It’s your house,” I reminded him. “You’re payin’ rent—the girls aren’t. Kick their asses out.”

  “Nah, man, I don’t wanna ruin their fun.”

  “So instead you’re hidin’ out in the cold-ass garage.” I scoffed as I headed for my bike. “Makes sense.”

  “You know, she’s good for you,” he said quietly as I grabbed my helmet.

  “What?”

  “Noel,” he replied. “She’s good for you.”

  “We’re not together. Probably won’t ever be, if I’m bein’ realistic.”

  Bas waved his hand dismissively. “Interestin’, but that doesn’t seem to matter,” he said. “You’re calmer since she showed back up. You’ve been sleepin’. Haven’t heard you crashin’ around downstairs in the middle of the night for weeks now. Not drinkin’ as much. Not flyin’ off the handle at every little thing.”

  “If you thought things were so bad why didn’t you say anythin’ before?” I asked, a little taken aback.

  “I think,” he murmured slowly, like he was choosing his words carefully. “It all happened so gradually that none of noticed how bad it got. Hell, I didn’t really see it until I noticed the difference. You’re Titus. You’ve been gettin’ fucked up and fuckin’ people up for years. Just thought that was who you are.”

  I shrugged. “Maybe it is.”

  “Nah.” He shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

  I’d pulled on my helmet and started backing my bike up when he spoke again, raising his voice so I could hear him.

  “I like this version better, T!”

  As I rode over to Otto’s I thought about what Bas had said, realizing that he was right. I hadn’t consciously stopped drinking as hard, but we just hadn’t been going out as much. I was spending quite a bit at Otto’s helping out and on the nights I stayed home, I wanted to be home. It was a bit of a domino effect, because if we weren’t going out, there wasn’t anyone to fight with. I sure as hell wasn’t going to fight with my roommates.

  When I pulled onto Otto’s driveway, I was surprised to see Noel and Diana sitting on one of the rocking chairs on the porch. They both looked fucking exhausted. Diana was curled up on what was left of Noel’s lap, her head resting on Noel’s chest, and Noel was rocking almost robotically, back and forth, back and forth.

  Neither of them even looked at me as I parked and climbed off my bike.

  “Hey,” I called, jogging up the steps. I could hear Ansel’s cries from inside the house. “Everything alright?”

  “We’re taking a little break,” Noel replied, rubbing Diana’s back. Her eyes were hollow when they met mine.

  “Been a rough one, huh?” I asked, sitting down in the chair next to hers.

  Noel nodded. “We have to move.”

  I jerked back in surprise. “What?”

  “Me and the girls. We need to move out. Soon. Before the baby gets here.”

  “Where is this comin’ from?” I asked softly. I knew things had been really fucking stressful since Ansel came, but this seemed like it was coming completely out of the blue. “Did Otto or Esther tell you that?”

  “No,” Noel rasped. She was still rocking. “They’d never tell us we had to go.”

  “Then why do you think you gotta move?”

  “It’s too much,” she said woodenly. “There’s too many people in the house. Too much noise. Too much stress. I’ve never seen my sister so overwhelmed.”

  “But you’re helpin’ her,” I reminded her. I wanted to touch her, lace my fingers with hers, lay my hand on her knee, something, but she seemed so brittle. “They love havin’ you here.”

  “Maybe if it was just me,” she said softly, kissing the top of Diana’s head. The little girls eyes were closed, her pacifier hanging loosely between her lips. “The kids are starting to lose it. Everyone is starting to lose it. We need to move.”

  I sat there for a few moments, letting that sink in. I wanted to argue with her but I knew where she was coming from. Just the few hours at night that I spent at their house left me feeling wrung out by the time I got home. Three kids under six was exhausting enough, but when you added a crying newborn it created complete chaos. It wasn’t as if just because Ansel was having a hard time the others were suddenly acting like perfect angels, the opposite was probably true. They still had their tantrums and misbehavior just like any other kids their age.

  “I’ve been waiting to hear from the state,” Noel said, her eyes on the yard. “A few of the programs I signed up for have gone through, but housing is kind of a nightmare. We’re on the list, but—” She shrugged her shoulders. “It’s a really long wait. Like, two years or something.”

  “Damn.”

  “I’m not sure what I’m going to do,” she murmured. She looked over me and smiled wanly. It was painful to see. “I’m just venting. I’ll figure it out.”

  “Move in with me,” I replied, the words out of my mouth before I’d even thought them through.

  Bas and Cian lived with me and Myla and her friends were there five nights out of seven. Nothing in my house was child-proofed. Honestly, it was so not child-proofed that if Ariel and Diana had shown up at my door I’d make them wait outside. It was insane that I’d asked her. My roommates were going to shit themselves.

  “That’s really nice of you, Titus,” she said quietly, looking at me like I’d grown an extra head. “But you don’t have to do that.”

  Ironically, it was her refusal that made me double-down even though I knew it was a crazy idea.

  “My house is massive,” I replied. “I’ve got a couple of roommates. You’ve met one of them—Bas? And I can introduce you to the other one, Cian. You’ll like him.”

  “Titus—”

  I kept going. “It’s got five bedrooms. We’re usin’ three. That means you and the girls could have the other two and your own bathroom.” I was going to have to tell the guys one of them had to switch rooms. “We’re workin’ most of the day, so you’d only see us in the evenings. We’ve got a row of raspberry bushes that the girls can pick in the summer and a play structure that’s pretty fuckin’ cool.” I paused and took a breath.

  “You’re not—you don’t—I can’t pay you,” she said uncomfortably. “I don’t have any income, Titus. That’s why I can’t get our own apartment.”

  “Did I ask you to pay me rent?” I replied quietly.

  “I can’t just live with you and not pay rent,” she replied stubbornly. “It’s different with Esther, she’s my sister. I’m not going to take advantage.”

  “You can be the live-in housekeeper,” I countered, internally patting myself on the back. I had the money, between my salary and side jobs I was making plenty. “Room and board and a salary.”

  “That’s ridiculous,” she said flatly.

  “You clean the common areas and make dinner,” I continued, just as stubborn as she was. “And run errands.”

  “I don’t have a car,” she replied tightly.

  “We’ll get you one.”

  Noel huffed and got to her feet.

  “I work at a garage,” I said, following her. “I can get you somethin’ cheap and reliable.”

  “I’m—” Her face turned red and she grimaced as she shifted Diana against her. “I’m not a charity case, Titus.”

  “My dad sold me my house,” I replied quietly. “He already owned it and I’m buyin’ it for super cheap. Payin’ way less than I would’ve for half of what I’ve got. You think that’s charity?”

  “That’s different,” she replied, pausing. “It’s your dad.”

  “Someone who cares about me is givin’ me a leg up because they can,” I explained softly. “Which is what I’m offerin’ you.”

  Noel was silent for a long time, unconsciously swaying Diana from side to side. As she thought about my offer, I reached out and took the baby, settling her against me. Her little bald head was soft against my cheek as I held her, and it felt like there was a knot in my chest, making it hard to breath. I’d picked Diana up a hundred times since I’d met her, but I’d never held her while she was sleeping. There was something different about holding a baby while they were asleep, completely boneless, fully trusting that you’d keep them safe.

  “I’d be the housekeeper,” Noel said finally, rubbing her lower back as she gazed up at me.

  “It would really be helpin’ me out. The place is a sty.”

  “You’re really selling it,” she replied wryly.

  “I think it’s a good idea.” I nodded. “There’s space for you there. I think you’ll like it.”

  “Are you sure your roommates won’t care?” she hedged.

  If they had a problem they were free to move the fuck out. “They’ll be completely fine with it.”

  Noel took a deep breath. “Okay,” she replied.

  “Yeah?”

  “I don’t want there to be any hard feelings if it doesn’t work out,” she said nervously. “Maybe it won’t. Living with toddlers is—it’s a lot.”

  “It’ll be fine.”

  “Hey, I was wonderin’ why you didn’t come back inside,” Otto said to Noel, poking his head out the front door. He looked at me. “When did you get here?”

  “Few minutes ago,” I replied, following Noel as she moved toward the door.

  “Aw, she passed out,” he said, opening the door wider so we could go inside. “Poor thing. Can’t imagine what it’s like bein’ two years old and not understandin’ why that annoyin’ baby is making such a racket.”

  “You finally get him to sleep?” I asked quietly as we moved through the house.

  “Esther’s nursin’ him upstairs. Hopefully they both fall asleep.”

  “Girls,” Noel called softly, catching their attention. “Come on, it’s time for bed.”

  It said quite a bit that both Ariel and Flora rose from their seats at the kitchen table without a complaint.

  I handed Diana back to Noel and watched as she led the girls upstairs, all of them silent.

  “You want a beer?” Otto asked tiredly, heading toward the fridge.

  “Sure.”

  “We were so stoked to give Flora a sibling,” he said as he handed me a bottle. “And we love Ansel. So much. But, fuck. This is brutal.”

  “I can’t imagine,” I murmured.

  “You just feel so bad for him. Like, what the fuck is goin’ on that you’re cryin’ all the fuckin’ time, you know? And then eventually, it’s like, Jesus, just fuckin’ sleep, kid. And then you feel guilty as fuck because he’s obviously havin’ a hard time and nothin’ we do seems to be helpin’ in the least.” He shook his head and sighed. “And around and around we go. At least I get a break at work. Esther’s with him all the time.”

  “Lou said that premature babies are more prone to colic,” I mentioned, fully prepared for him to bite my head off.

  They’d had so many different suggestions and comments over the past few weeks that I knew it was wearing on them.

  “He wasn’t that early,” Otto replied, surprised.

  “I don’t know, she just said it’s a thing.”

  “Huh.”

  “She also said that Esther might think about checkin’ to see if he’s got some kinda allergy—”

  “To breastmilk?” he replied doubtfully.

  “Maybe to somethin’ Esther’s eatin’?”

  “Yeah,” he considered. “Yeah, maybe.”

  “That’s all I got,” I joked, making him smile tiredly. “She just asked me to pass it on.”

  “Lou’s a good kid,” he replied. “Tell her we’ll look into that.”

  “Will do.”

  We stood quietly drinking our beers for a few minutes as we listened to the little footsteps roaming around upstairs.

  “I asked Noel to move in with me,” I said finally.