“Titus,” Noel called, following me. “He didn’t mean it. He was just trying to win an argument.”

  “Gimme a sec,” I rasped, turning to face the sink.

  “Hey,” she murmured, setting her hand on my back.

  “You’re not gonna fuckin’ die,” I choked out angrily.

  “Of course I’m not,” she soothed. “I’ve done this before. Piece of cake.”

  I laughed humorlessly.

  “Okay,” she mused, rubbing my back. “Maybe not a piece of cake. But I’ll be fine. I’m not worried.”

  “I can’t believe he fuckin’ said that shit,” I barked, turning to face her. “What the fuck?”

  “He was just trying to prove a point,” she replied softly, setting her hand on my chest. The weight of it was like a goddamn brand. “And he’s not wrong. People die in hospitals all the time, of all kinds of things, pregnancy is no different.”

  “You’re not gonna die,” I repeated.

  “No, I’m not.” She watched me for a moment. “Breathe, Ty.”

  I jolted. She hadn’t called me that in so long, I’d almost forgotten that she used to.

  Without thought or any internal debate, my hands rose to her face and my head dipped. Her mouth was exactly like I remembered, her lips plush and soft. Her tongue tangled with mine, and beyond the part of me that whispered finally, finally, finally, another part whispered she’s not going to die over and over.

  I honestly couldn’t even believe it when one of her hands rose and wrapped around the base of my throat and I barely registered the way her belly pressed into me as I pulled her closer.

  Fuck.

  It was where I was always meant to be. Right there with her in the quiet of the kitchen. Kissing like we couldn’t get enough while the kids slept upstairs. I speared my fingers into her hair, feeling it loosen from the bun at her nape. She clenched the front of my sweatshirt in her fist.

  “I am so sorry,” Bas said from somewhere over her shoulder. When she jerked her mouth from mine in surprise, his tone changed. “Oh, shit. I am so sorry.”

  He was staring at us, a mixture of surprise and remorse on his face as his eyes met mine.

  Yeah, man, neither of us saw this one coming.

  “It’s okay,” Noel said, turning to face him as she smoothed her hair back. “We know you weren’t even thinking about it.”

  My stomach sank as she took a careful step away from me.

  “I’m an asshole,” he replied, looking down at her. “Shouldn’t have said that shit.”

  “Really, it’s fine.” She glanced my way without meeting my eyes. “I’m going to head up to bed.”

  “Alright, g’night,” he said as she hurried out of the kitchen.

  I didn’t bother to call out my own good night.

  “Brother, I am so sorry,” Bas said to me, eyes wide. “If I’d known—”

  “Don’t worry about it,” I replied with a sigh. I licked my lips. Yeah, they still tasted like Noel.

  “Looks like shit’s movin’ forward,” he said slyly, leaning against the wall. “Good news.”

  “Did you see her race outta here like her hair was on fire?” I asked dryly, running a hand over my face. “Don’t think it’s time to celebrate.”

  Chapter 13

  Noel

  “Look at you,” my sister teased as she helped Flora out of her car seat.

  I lifted a hand and ran it down one of my braids. I’d woken up that morning after a night of restless sleep and finally decided, I didn’t like wearing my hair in a bun. After a little trial and error, I’d finally figured out how to do French braids on my own hair and was currently wearing two of them.

  “Do you like them?” I asked. They were looser than they should’ve been, and a few tendrils had escaped in the front but I thought they looked good. They made my face look softer somehow. Less uptight.

  “You look beautiful,” my sister replied, rolling her eyes as Flora flew past us toward the house without a word of hello. “You look your age.”

  “So, like, you really like them?” I joked, flipping one over my shoulder.

  Esther laughed. “You’re not that young,” she teased. “What made you want to change them?”

  The easy answer could’ve been the fact that I’d kissed Titus. Or he’d kissed me. I wasn’t really sure which one of us had moved first. But I knew it was far more complex than that.

  “Myla, Lou, and Frankie came over for dinner last night,” I told her, shrugging.

  My sister nodded knowingly. She understood better than anyone how the change from belonging to a super conservative church that controlled everything about you, to the huge wide world that barely had any rules in comparison, felt. At first, nothing fit. Everything seemed odd and wild and uncontrolled. But after a little bit, things started to calm, and you noticed pieces of the big wide world that you’d like for yourself.

  I was done scraping my hair into a tight knot every morning before I went downstairs.

  “It suits you,” she said, coming over to give me a hug. “Now I need to go before I’m late.”

  “Okay, love you!”

  “Love you too, be back in a few hours.”

  I went back into the house as she drove away and found the girls setting up a new little wooden train set that Cian had brought home a few days before.

  I hadn’t seen him again after he’d walked out the night before and I hoped that he hadn’t been too uncomfortable with the conversation we’d been having. I hadn’t meant to cause a big debate about the whole thing, I’d just answered honestly. I was nervous about having the baby in the birth center since I’d never done it before. I knew everything would be fine, but that didn’t mean that I was looking forward to it. I dreaded having to stay there overnight. I hated the thought of leaving the girls for that long, especially Diana, because she wouldn’t understand. I wished that I could just have the baby in my own house, familiar scents and sights around me, with the girls just a room away if they needed me.

  No one needed to remind me that I didn’t have my own house. I was living in Titus’s house and I would never in a million years ask him if I could have the baby there. We’d already taken up enough of his time and energy and money. It would be really… shitty if I asked to give birth there, too.

  “I want the red one,” Ariel announced as they scrambled for the little trains. “You can have yellow.”

  “Want purple,” Diana argued.

  “There is no purple,” Ariel reminded her.

  “Purple,” Diana said stubbornly.

  I sat down on the couch and watched them as they worked it out, Flora ending up with the yellow train and Diana with the blue. The girls convinced her it was the closest color to purple.

  My mind wandered back to that kiss in the kitchen and what it could possibly mean going forward.

  I loved him. I must’ve known it on some level before. It was why I still trusted him after being apart for so long. Why I’d known that moving in with him was the right thing to do. Why I couldn’t help but watch him as he went about his day, somehow fascinated with the way he held the remote, or kicked his boots off after work, or carried the girls from one room to another. But it was the night before when the surety of it hit me.

  When Bas had said that thing about women dying in childbirth at the hospital and Titus had gone bone white, barely breathing as he’d stared at Bas in horror—that was the moment I realized I loved him. It wasn’t his reaction that made me come to the realization. It was the fact that I couldn’t bear his reaction, that would’ve done anything in that moment to erase the fear in his eyes.

  The kiss helped, though.

  Any lingering thought that my sexuality had disappeared when I was seventeen was gone. I wasn’t dried up. I couldn’t take or leave sex. Because I wanted it. I wanted it with Titus. I wanted to see him naked and climb into his bed and I wanted to touch him everywhere and I wanted him to do the same thing to me. As I’d lay there in bed the night before, replaying the kiss in my head, I’d realized with shock, that I didn’t care what that meant about me. I didn’t care if that meant I was a horrible person. I didn’t care if that made me a whore. I just didn’t care.

  I was living with a man that was everything I would ever want. He was kind and thoughtful, protective and strong. He loved me and he loved my girls and he was good for us. He teased us and he played with us and he looked at us like we were the best thing he’d ever seen. I knew down to my bones that he would never hurt us. It had been almost seven years since the first time Titus Hawthorne first held my hand and even though we’d been apart for so long and both of us had separate lives during that time, nothing had really changed.

  “Mama, you want a train?” Diana asked, crawling onto my lap.

  “No thanks, baby,” I murmured. “That’s a really cool blue train, though.”

  I was going to talk to Titus that night. After the girls were in bed, I was just going to say it. I was going to tell him I love him. He deserved to know it. After that, I wasn’t sure what would happen.

  “Someone’s at the door,” Flora said, shaking my leg. “Someone’s knocking.”

  “Huh,” I murmured, hearing the knock. I must’ve been too distracted to hear it the first time. I set Diana on the floor. “One of the guys probably ordered something and they’re just dropping it off.”

  It had happened before and I usually just let the delivery person leave it on the porch. I didn’t think that opening the door and practically announcing that I was at home alone with the girls all the time was a very smart thing to do. We lived with three very capable men, and when they were home I felt more secure than I ever had in my entire life, but we lived in the country and the closest neighbor wasn’t very close, so I figured it was better safe than sorry.

  “They’re knocking again,” Ariel announced, like I couldn’t hear the person knocking.

  “It’s okay, I’ll get it,” I said, shooting her a look as I crossed the room.

  I should’ve looked out the window. It was really stupid of me to just swing the door open. But, I was distracted and happy, so that’s what I did.

  My father-in-law didn’t let me say a single word before he pushed into the house, almost knocking me over in the process.

  It felt like time slowed down. His hand wrapped around my arm like a vise, keeping me upright, and his gaze swept across the room, taking in ArieAriel, Diana, and Flora were staring at him wide eyed from the floor.

  “Grandpa?” Ariel asked in confusion, moving like she was going to stand before dropping back down again. She’d never had reason to fear him, she’d never been around him enough for him to give her a reason, but she did recognize him. I watched as her expression morphed from surprise to caution in the blink of an eye.

  “Dirty whore,” Carl hissed, his hand tightening as he shoved me away from the door. “Get your things.”

  “Carl,” I murmured, my eyes on the girls.

  Flora was wide eyed and she’d wrapped her arm around Diana’s shoulders, either to shield her or to hold her in place, I couldn’t tell.

  “Did you think I wouldn’t notice that you’re living in sin with a man?” he spat, giving me a little shake. “My son’s barely cold and you’re already whoring yourself to some scum biker while my granddaughters watch.”

  “Mama?” Diana called out, her voice trembling. Flora shushed her.

  “It’s not what you think,” I murmured, trying and failing to somehow move us farther from the girls. “I’m the housekeeper, Carl. I’m working here for room and board. The girls and I have our own rooms. I can show you if you want.”

  If I could get him upstairs, maybe Flora would know to hide. There was a cupboard in the kitchen with nothing in it. Diana had crawled in there a few days before while I was cooking lunch and I never would’ve found her if I hadn’t heard her giggling. There was also space in the pantry. The raspberry bushes were getting ready to bloom. If they could make it outside, they could hide between the rows. It would give them a little bit of time and if the neighbors saw a stranger creeping around the house, maybe they’d call the police. It was a long shot, but it could happen.

  “Lying bitch,” Carl snapped, shoving me away from him.

  From the corner of my eye, I noticed Flora moving her arm slowly onto the couch before pulling it back down again.

  “I’m not lying,” I gasped, trying to stay on my feet.

  “Get your things,” he ordered. “You and the girls are coming home.”

  I wasn’t sure what to say. I knew that I couldn’t get into the car with him. That I would never allow my children anywhere near him. But I was so afraid to contradict him.

  “Let’s talk about this,” I said.

  I expected and braced for backhand across my cheekbone. I’d known it was coming. I’d seen him with his wife and I’d been anticipating violence since the moment I opened the door and locked eyes with him—but it still broke my heart. Because as I staggered to the side, I could hear the girls beginning to sob in fear and there was nothing I could do.

  Carl had at least a hundred pounds on me and with the girls just feet away and my belly making my center of gravity completely off, I couldn’t run.

  “Okay,” I murmured, holding my hand to my cheek like I knew he expected. “Okay, our things are upstairs.”

  “Go get them,” he barked.

  I glanced at the kids. “Can I go to them first, please?” I asked softly. “They’re scared.”

  Carl clenched his jaw and looked over at the girls. He still hadn’t even seemed to realize that I had an extra child with me. It was as if, because Flora looked so much like Ariel, he looked at them and assumed they were all mine.

  “Fine,” he said, jerking his head. “Shut them up.”

  He stood in the entryway as I hurried over to the girls and the moment I reached them, their little hands gripped and pulled at me, the three of them trying to get as close as possible. I held them tight, yanking them against me as if I could absorb them into my body, safe with the baby who was currently quiet inside my belly.

  “He’s a bad man,” Flora whimpered into my ear.

  “Mama,” Diana repeated over and over, snot running down her face.

  Ariel was silent, her eyes dark with terror.

  “It’s okay, girls,” I murmured. “It’s okay.”

  “Hurry up,” Carl ordered, crossing his arms over his chest.

  I only had moments. Just moments to make a decision that I knew would haunt me for the rest of my life.

  “You’re okay,” I told Ariel, cupping her cheek with my hand. “Stay here. Stay quiet.”

  Ariel silently shook her head, her fingers digging into my arm.

  I looked at Flora. “Stay here,” I whispered slowly. “Stay quiet.”

  Flora’s lip trembled but she nodded.

  “So quiet,” I whispered.

  She nodded again.

  I looked back to Ariel. “Stay with Flora, Mermaid,” I breathed, looking into her eyes. “Understand?”

  Fat tears rolled down her cheeks as she gave me a very small nod.

  I pulled them to me and kissed the tops of their heads. Flora whispered something in my ear, her voice so quiet that I barely caught it. Then I rose to my feet with Diana in my arms.

  “Can I take her up with me?” I asked Carl meekly, keeping my eyes lowered. “She doesn’t understand.”

  Diana’s arms were wrapped so tightly around my throat, her little knees pressed into my sides, that I could’ve let her go completely and she would’ve stayed right where she was.

  “Fine,” Carl said, waving me toward the stairs. “You’ve got five minutes.”

  I nodded and carefully moved around him, my heart breaking as I walked away from Ariel and Flora.

  I hurried up the stairs and into the girls’ room, grabbing Flora’s blankie and pacifier out of her crib where I’d left them that morning. She took them from me without loosening her grip and laid her head down on my shoulder.

  My mind was racing in every direction as I turned toward my room, then back toward the girls’ closet, and then back toward my room. Then I remembered.

  A few days before when Cian had gotten home early from work, the girls had followed him up to his room before I realized it. By the time I’d realized they weren’t downstairs, I found them bouncing on his bed. They liked it more than ours because his bed was high off the floor, not low platforms like ours. I hurried across the hallway and into the room.

  Silently, I kneeled down on the floor and peeled Diana away from me.

  “Shh,” I murmured as she started to cry. “You have to be very very quiet, okay?”

  “No quiet,” she argued, hiccuping.

  “Very quiet,” I said again, setting her on the floor. “We’re going to play a game.”

  Every second that passed made my heart race faster.

  “You crawl under Mr. Cian’s bed and hide,” I whispered. “And I’ll go tell Ariel and Flora to come find you.”

  “No hide,” Diana whimpered, reaching for me. She was being too loud. It wasn’t going to work.

  Oh god.

  “Diana,” I snapped, something inside me breaking as she froze.

  “You have to hide,” I said slowly, my heart in my throat as she stared at me. “You have to hide right now and be very quiet.”

  She didn’t argue that time, instead she let me help her under the bed, her entire body shaking with silent sobs as I pushed her toward the middle.

  “I love you,” I breathed, reaching out to run my fingers over her cheek.

  I pulled the mess on Cian’s floor back around and under the bed, hiding even a hint of Diana before I got back to my feet.

  Then as quietly as I could, I shut Cian’s door and walked calmly down the hall and into Titus’s room. I was back out in a second. It only took me a few minutes to shove clothes and toys into our suitcase and bag before carrying them from the girls’ room to mine, shutting each door between. I paused, just for a moment, my hands resting on the bags.

  My heart was thundering but my steps were steady as I walked to the top of the stairs.