“By all means, but I will have my time with my children,” I tell Jenna firmly and it feels damn good asserting myself.

  “I have no intention of trying to keep you or your family away from Whiskey and Ryder. They’re adults now and they can make their own decisions. My offer is to let all of you stay here so there is no riding back and forth to town all the time. Whiskey cooks for us since I have been on chemo and she is a great cook. In fact, she has been looking into a culinary school in Pittsburg. We have plenty of room upstairs and as long as you pick up your things then you’re more than welcome.” Jenna looks like she wants us to stay or what I can tell by her facial expressions.

  “We could grill some steaks and put some corn and potatoes on with the meat and I’d toss a salad. I even have two pies in the kitchen. If that’s not alright with everyone I can fix about anything, but I may need to go to the store,” Whiskey says hopeful.

  “If we go into town, everyone is going to stare. If you haven’t lived here at least ten years or you don’t fit into everyone’s cookie-cutter expectation that is all you get in that town.” Ryder doesn’t sound happy with the way things are run in the small town.

  “I felt eyes on my back the whole time we were there. Our hometown isn’t very big, but everyone doesn’t go into shock from seeing men on motorcycles.” Max isn’t kidding at all.

  “Brother, I got a ticket last year for a minor in possession and the elders in the church still come up to me and try to smell my breath. I had two beers left in the back of my truck and when the deputy pulled me over, he searched my truck for no reason except I was one of the bastard children from the unmarried woman.” I see the pissed off look in both Ryder and Whiskey’s eyes. I know Ryder doesn’t even realize he called Max brother. That’s the way it should work.

  “Just think if you owned a motorcycle.” Max tries to lighten the conversation. I look to Seal, and he gives a quick nod and then I turn to Tanker and he does the same. I’ve been only paying attention to the conversation we have been having, but I know my brothers have been taking everything else in around us.

  “We’ll need to go back to the motel and check out,” I tell Jenna.

  “Max, Rance and I can take care of it.” Ryder hesitates a little. “If Max wants to. Whiskey can get dinner squared away for us.”

  “You mean that our sister isn’t going to make you help?” Max asks because he knows Lexie and Dixie do nothing without wrangling their brothers to help.

  “Whiskey loves to cook, and she cleans as she goes so no big cleanup after. What Whiskey hates to do is shovel shit out of the stalls in the horse barn. I shovel the shit and she cooks us tasty food and it’s a doable trade off,” Ryder explains.

  “We also do our own laundry and since mom has been sick, we take care of the other chores in the house and make sure the ranch keeps operating. This is a working ranch, so we all work. Some things we trade off, we cover for each other from time to time, but we carry our own weight,” Whiskey tells us.

  “Who is this Rance?” Max asks before I have time to. The kids seem to get along alright, so I have no problem letting them lead the conversation. Ryder laughs and Whiskey ducks her head.

  “He’s a friend of mine that works here on the ranch some when we need to have a set of extra hands. He’s also head over heels in love with Whiskey and she won’t even date him. I told him to give it up, but he won’t. Whiskey prefers older men to younger ones, and she won’t date them either.” That catches my attention and I see it’s also caught Seal’s attention when I turn to look at his face. Whiskey’s embarrassment shows by the redness on her face, but she doesn’t back down from her brother.

  “I don’t see why anyone dates. I don’t need a man spending his money on me, I have my own. I’m not discussing my love life with anyone, it’s personal.” Ryder laughs.

  “What love life? You’re still a virgin at eighteen. Ryder goes quiet when he sees the shocked look on Whiskey’s face.

  “You’re right Ryder, I am a virgin and what the hell is wrong with that at any age? I’m not one of the town sluts that keep you company, so I don’t act like some alley cat. I’m not ashamed of my lack of experience but I won’t settle for the first male that gives me attention. I have respect for myself and if I don’t demand respect from who I am with then that is on me not whomever it is.” Whiskey gets up and leaves the room. Jenna looks at Ryder.

  “I’ll expect you to be fixing things with your sister before you leave to go anywhere.” Jenna stares our son down.

  “Why do females have to be so damn sensitive after they hit puberty?” Ryder is speaking to his mom but Max answers.

  “That was just insensitive. Trust me, I have two other sisters and talking about their personal stuff in front of anyone they don’t trust is an unforgivable offense. It’s easier to say you were wrong instead of putting up with their anger and then their tears. All’s well until the tears roll and then it’s time to back pedal and fix things. I can almost bet that Whiskey is crying wherever she is.” This time it’s Jenna who laughs and Ryder joins her.

  “Are going to let us in on the joke?” I ask the two.

  “Whiskey isn’t a crier and never has been. If I were you, I wouldn’t stand anywhere close to Ryder until he fixes things with his sister because our daughter will be out for blood since Ryder embarrassed her. Ryder knew the consequences before he started digging his grave and if you hear Ryder screaming in the middle of the night just go with the flow. Whiskey has put spiders, snakes, and scorpions in his bed before. She’s also waxed his arm pits by putting something in his drink to knock him out and then when she pulled the cotton patches, he screamed bloody murder. Those are only a few things she’s done, but she doesn’t cry not even when she was sick as a child,” Jenna tells us.

  “She will also throw a fist in a heartbeat and Max you’re right, I was very insensitive, and I need to go grovel now. Is it alright for me to go now?” I see that Ryder does look worried about what he said. “Max when you get ready to go to town, I’m available.” Jenna raises her eyebrow at me as if asking if Ryder should leave. I nod my head.

  “Go ahead Ryder. We can talk more later,” I tell Ryder and he gets up and leaves. That’s when I see Jenna relax a little.

  “Whiskey and Ryder seem close.” I don’t want to jump to conclusions. I had rather have my thoughts confirmed.

  “They argue like most sisters and brothers do,” Max adds.

  “We all have a close relationship but when shit hits the fan, they are together on any situation. I have at times felt like the odd woman out. I know my children love me and are above and beyond loyal to me, but they have a bond that no one has come close to that I have ever known. They call it their twin connection, but they are also best friends. They share everything and they have premonitions about how the other one is feeling, so if you talk to one of my children the other one will know as soon as they talk to each other. It’s not anything too freaky, it’s just they can feel when the other one has extreme emotions or feelings and as soon as that happens, they will be by each other’s side. They don’t even let me into that inner circle.” Jenna looks hurt by what she’s said.

  “That could be a bit too much closeness if you get what I mean.” Jenna laughs and Max relaxes us again.

  “Okay, Max, I think your sister is a little young to be worrying about that.” I give Max a look. I hear a phone ringing and I look at Seal and he pulls his phone out of his pocket and then motions for the door. I know he isn’t comfortable with this heavy family situation. Seal is a man of action. If he would have had his way, we would have barged in here and taken Whiskey and Ryder by force. Our enforcer isn’t known for diplomacy, his job is to protect the club at any cost. He’s very good at his job for someone of his age. He reminds me a lot of me at that age.

  “That’s my point,” Max says with that lopsided smile that he gives the girls at the clubhouse that makes their panties melt, if they’re wearing panties. Max has no problems having someone warm his bed at night. All the club girls know Max will one day be president of the club and they’re trying to get their feet in the door early. I can see the headaches down the road but all I can do is warn Max of the pitfalls of the club life. I didn’t live an easy life when it came to women. I knew what was coming and it still didn’t change any of my decisions. I made my mistakes and Max will make his. Listening to him today has shown me that he is listening to me; there’s no other explanation for the calm he has shown today. “Ryder doesn’t seem like a male that would shy away from an offering female. If the wacky twin thing kicks in, I bet Whiskey doesn’t join him then.” Jenna laughs.

  “You have a point there, Max. I think you hit that nail on the head, but I don’t think the twin thing is that detailed, more of a vague awareness of what the other one is feeling.” Jenna is shaking her head with a smile on her face. “I like you Max. I think we may become friends.” Max looks at Jenna for a minute.

  “Ma’am, I try to handle situations with a good healthy portion of laughter but don’t mistake me for a fool. You kept Ryder and Whiskey away from our entire family for eighteen years and I may not judge you for it, but that doesn’t mean I like it. My parents raised me to be polite and mind my manners in someone else’s home and that is why I am watching my words today and trying to keep the peace between you and Dad. The man sitting in that chair,” Max points his finger to me, “is a watered-down version of my dad and my loyalty being with him and my family. The business between you and Dad is just that, but from this day forward, Whiskey and Ryder are a part of my family like they should have been for eighteen years.” Max is to the point. I know Max is a grown man and right now he has me busting with pride of what a good man he has grown into.

  “Thank you for your honesty. I find that is one of the strongest traits a person can have, and you were raised by good parents. I don’t doubt that for a second. Whiskey and Ryder are lucky to have such a strong older brother they can look up to and who can watch over them.” I can see the weariness in Jenna’s face. It’s time to talk about Jenna’s health. I know it’s none of my business but if it affects my children it will affect our entire family.

  “Jenna what kind of cancer do you have and what’s your prognosis? I know I have no business asking these questions, but I need to know.” I wait and I begin to think she isn’t going to answer.

  “I don’t have cancer, I have Lupus, but I need to be treated with chemo therapy. This is the second round of treatment. I had the first round about five years ago. Lupus is an autoimmune disease that can wreak havoc on your body. The first round of chemo was a lower dose to help control my overactive immune system. This time it was a higher dose, but I still only lost a small amount of my hair. I know that’s a vain thing to say but I will take my wins as I can get them. I know it’s going to happen this time, but it hasn’t yet. I will be on chemotherapy from the low dose to higher doses for the rest of my life. Right now, the chemo just gives me more time with our children, and I will take every minute I can get. It could be years before my death or if I get complications a lot sooner. I will have the symptoms from the disease and the effects of the chemotherapy to deal with. The fatigue and body aches are the worse. My immune system is fighting against me. The chemo is to help but that comes with a price. Some of my organs have been damaged but I see doctors all the time and they monitor all my activity. I have swelling and the fatigue, but I do my best to keep my life as close to normal as I can, that way the children aren’t so worried. Right now, outside illnesses are one of my enemies. Ryder and Whiskey know my prognosis. I don’t hide my health issues from them.” Jenna squares her shoulders and sits up. “I want to sell the ranch or hire someone to run it. I will be giving Ryder and Whiskey the choice. This place is like an anchor to them, but I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. This is the only home they have ever known so it’s comfortable, but I think they will come to think of this place as somewhere that is holding them from finding their destiny in this world. I thought I would be able to stay here and run the place for them as they went out in the world to find themselves but that isn’t possible anymore.” Jenna is deep in her own thoughts. “I want to sell this place and buy a smaller place close to where you live because our children won’t leave me now, so I’m going to go with them, as long as you have no problems with that.” I think about what she’s said.

  “I think that would solve many of our problems but what about your doctors? Don’t you think you need to think this through? You’re making life-altering decisions in the flash of a minute. We’re going to be here several days, and that will give you time to think a little bit and not make unhealthy decisions without contacting the doctors. If the decision is going to be made, then do it wisely.” I can’t help but get my dig in. I see Jenna understands my meaning. A lot of Jenna’s decisions since before our children were born haven’t been very well thought out and she hasn’t considered the repercussions that could come from them.

  “I will keep that in mind. Eli, don’t think because I’m down that I’m out. I want to keep us on friendly terms because of the children. Now if you don’t mind, I would like to go and rest before dinner and if I don’t make it to the dinner table don’t take offense. Whiskey sometimes makes me a tray if I’m not feeling well enough to join her and Ryder.” She stands up and is a bit wobbly legged, but she steadies herself by putting her hands on her desk. “The children will show you to your rooms. Make yourselves at home and I bet if you ask Ryder, he has beer in his ice chest in the back of his truck.”

  “Thank you,” is all I get out before she is at the door of the office and she walks out of the door.

  “Max, let’s find your brother and get a beer. I need one or a six-pack. Tanker, find out all you can about Lupus and the land prices.” Tanker smiles.

  “What?”

  “I’ve never seen you hold your tongue with anyone before, especially to this point and now you want to look into her disease. It’s a side of you I’ve never seen before,” Tanker says.

  “I need to know what we’re up against. Let’s all go and find that beer.” Max is the first one up, but he has no smartass remarks for me. That’s not Max. I need to keep an eye on him too.

  8

  Jenna…

  I’m hiding in my bedroom and I have never hidden from anything. Just looking at Eli brings me a deep pain right where my heart should be. I gave my heart to the Devil the day I came up with the plan to get me the child I wanted, and then I was blessed with two children. I knew the minute I met my Whiskey Rider that he would go above and beyond the job of giving me a child. He was a take-charge type of man and knew just how to make it good for me. I don’t know how I became so enamored with Eli in just a few hours. That’s all we had but it’s so much more to me. I think that night, I gave away a piece of my heart.

  What I felt for Eli isn’t what I felt with Chase. Chase and I had a sweet love story, but it was just that, a sweet first love, and we were naïve to think the terrible things in life would never touch us. We lived in a bubble filled with happiness and joy until it burst. Eli was a ball of flames that lit a fire within me that I thought would combust. For the few hours that I was with Eli, I forgot my pain, I forgot my desperation, and God help me, I forgot Chase. I was a woman again but when the morning came, I was filled with guilt, but I knew I could build on the fire that Eli lit inside of me.

  Sitting in that bar, I was at the end of the road. In my head, if I didn’t succeed in getting pregnant that weekend, I would have ended my life. I was that depressed. After my night with Eli, I was praying I was pregnant, and I had a better attitude about myself. I slowly was able to look myself in the eyes in the mirror which I hadn’t been able to do since I caused the wreck that had taken my two loves away from me.

  I have a lot to be thankful for from Eli, but I understand his anger toward me. I know it was wrong, but I don’t regret it. I can’t. That would mean that I would need to regret the eighteen years I had with Whiskey and Ryder as a sole parent. I don’t regret a minute. I am sorry it caused so much pain. I was a selfish person and self-serving. I didn’t consider anyone else’s feelings and I should have. Can I explain why I didn’t ever contact Eli or why I didn’t tell my children everything? No, I can’t. All I can do is try to make things better and be honest. Too little too late? Maybe. I will do anything I can to make this easier for my children and Eli and hope they can all forgive me someday.

  I know my lupus is going to interfere with the process of Eli and the children getting to know each other right now. When Eli is forced to go home, he is going to want Ryder and Whiskey to go and meet the rest of their family. I know that there is no way the children will go unless I can find a way to make it look as if they aren’t leaving me to fend for myself. That’s not what this is about. They barely leave me while they do their work. I’m too tired today, but tomorrow I will talk to my doctors and make arrangements so that the trip can take place sooner rather than later.

  Seeing my Whiskey Rider today was like walking into a sweet memory and getting more memories to think about when I am lonely. I have no doubt that Eli hates me and he’s trying to be tactful for the children, but when I look him in the eyes all I can do is remember what it was like being in his arms for that one night. That memory has gotten me through many lonely nights. Now it’s time to make sure our children can make this transition in the easiest way possible. After my nap, it’s time to plan.

  9

  Grinder…

  Ryder, Max, Seal, and Tanker have gone to town to take care of our motel rooms. Jenna is still in her room. I want to have a little alone time with Whiskey so we can get to know each other just a little better. I have no expectations. I stand in the kitchen doorway and watch as Whiskey makes her way around the room getting everything prepared. I feel at peace just watching her.