A war is storming inside of me. I have never been a woman that doesn’t go after what she wants. My mind is telling me that there is no way that Eli could forgive me. We don’t even know each other but his eyes at times keep pulling me in. My heart wants to think that anything is possible, and Eli could excuse my actions. He’s had a full, happy life. He has more children, so he’s had relationships. He has his club. I have had a great life with our children, but I have held onto dreams of two men. I think that is where the turmoil lies within me. Do I want to go after Eli and see if we could have anything between us and hope it doesn’t interfere with the relationships that he and our kids need to form or stay in the shadows and let things proceed on their own? I think about it for only a few minutes and I know this is too important for Ryder and Whiskey and I can’t be the one that hinders them finding their way. They will have enough obstacles to overcome. I know I’m hiding from a deeper question and I feel like a coward for it but it’s running through my head. Could I ever have a real relationship after Chase? Would I be dishonoring him? I know I need to look at what’s in front of me and not at what yesterday took away. I know that in my head, but my heart hasn’t caught up yet, and I’m not sure it ever will.

  “Mom, are you alright? I knocked on the door, but I guess whatever is in your head has you distracted.” I turn and smile at my daughter.

  “You know me so well, wise one.” Whiskey is wise beyond her eighteen years on some things but in other areas not so much. If it’s a business situation about the ranch, she’s analytical about it. On getting close to someone is where she needs help. My girl has walls built around her from years of ridicule from people in our community. Many times, I have considered moving from here, but running from your problems isn’t what I wanted to teach my children. Ryder adapts better, but the person that gets on his bad side better be ready to deal with an irate Ryder. He doesn’t hold back, and I have thought his anger issues would get him in trouble way before now.

  “I brought you some beef broth and a small bowl of chicken noodle soup along with Jell-o and ginger ale.” I’ve never been so tired of soup and broth but at least I can hold it down. The small things matter. “Do you think you’ll be joining us anytime tonight? Eli is grilling steaks and Ryder sent a text to let me know they’re on their way back from town. I have everything else ready for dinner. I know you need your rest, but I thought I’d ask.” I look at Whiskey because her mouth is saying one thing but the nervousness she’s showing says something different.

  “Do you need me there? I can be where you need me. There’s no reason for you to be nervous about what you have to say to me, just do it.” Whiskey has put my tray on the small table I usually eat at and walks to me.

  “I don’t know the rules, Mom. I mean with the whole Eli and Max thing. I feel a connection with Eli and talking with him is the easiest thing, just like when I talk to you. Then with Max, it’s not like with Ryder, but it is very comfortable. I don’t have to work at being nice because I’m that at ease with him. What I don’t understand is how much do I share? Can I talk ranch business with them without you or Ryder with me after the agreement we made? The ranch is a big part of my life, but I don’t want to break my word. Am I being naïve with opening myself up and letting them get close too fast?” I see Whiskey’s confusion. I pull her down into my lap and hug her to me.

  “Sweet child, you’re not naïve to want to let your dad and brother close. I trust every word Eli has said since he’s been here and I’m not an easy person to convince. It was the hurt in his eyes, and he looks at you and Ryder like you are precious to him without reservations. That’s a dad’s unconditional love and Max seems like a very confident young man that has only said he wants a relationship with the both of you. He seems sincere and if I were a betting person, I would bet the ranch on it without hesitation. Just let your heart and your gut feeling direct you. I have no reservation with you talking to Eli and Max about the ranch as long as you don’t discuss the financials.” I try to be as honest with Whiskey as I can. I knew she’d have doubts.

  “Eli and I were talking about the what ifs. I mean, what if we sold this place for what I thought it would be worth but nothing else?” I want to tell Whiskey that her dad is just trying to see how she feels about moving but I don’t.

  “Sweetie, anyone can go to the tax office and find out what this place is worth. I was talking bank accounts and such. I don’t think there is a thing to worry about with your dad and Max, but it’s better to play some things close to the vest.” Whiskey sits up and looks at me.

  “Thank you, Mom. I feel much better. I want to let Eli and Max in, but I don’t want to lose you and Ryder along the way. It has always been the three of us against the world, and now our family can be bigger, but they need to understand that the three of us are a package deal. You and Eli don’t have to get along all the time, but we wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. I just want this to work out. I want to meet my sisters and brothers.” Whiskey reaches up and kisses my cheek and then gets up from my lap. “Sometimes all a girl needs is to sit on her mom’s lap and let it all out.” Whiskey looks at her feet as she says it. She thinks it makes her look weak, but she is so wrong.

  “Whiskey, never worry about losing Ryder or me. You have us for our lifetimes. Never doubt that and my lap is always open for you.” I miss talks like this one. It’s been a while since my children have needed a child-mom talk. They have grown up so fast and this mom doesn’t like it for a second. “Go back down and eat your dinner and let those walls down just a little. There are no time limits on this. Do it at your own pace. I’m talking to the doctors tomorrow about moving my last chemo treatment up. I have talked to Eli about an idea I have and if you and Ryder are on board with it, then I want to make it happen sooner rather than later. I also intend to talk to Albert and Glenn tomorrow, so you and Ryder better get ready to make some tough decisions.” Whiskey raises her eyebrow but that is all I’m giving her until I know for sure I can make it happen. Albert, my attorney, can help get things done the right way with less hassle. Glenn is a friend, but he’s also a realtor who has urged me to sell this place for a while now. “I want to get plenty of rest tonight to take on tomorrow, so I won’t be out again tonight. Please make my apologies and be sure everyone is comfortable and has what they need. If I’m gone early, it only means I have an appointment and I will have someone drive me. I’m thinking about calling Teresa, the home nurse I used before. She’s retired now but told me to call whenever I needed her.”

  “I can take you,” Whiskey volunteers.

  “No, I want you here and getting the work done on the ranch. If things go the way I want, I will be out most of the day. I want you to get me a total head count on all the animals we have on the ranch. I also want you to pick out ten of our best horses. I have a list on my desk that I started and it details what I am looking for and some suggestions on the horses to look at. I also want to know the supplies we have on hand and that includes grain and hay. Check medical supplies as well. I have it on the computer, but I had rather have a count that has been double-checked. Tomorrow afternoon, I want to have a family meeting. Our family and then we can bring in your dad and Max. Can you do those things for me and only let Ryder know about the extra work? I don’t want any of the ranch hands finding out and getting the wrong idea. I don’t want anyone thinking I don’t trust them because that isn’t what this is about. I don’t even want Rance knowing. Your dad and Max can know as long as you say it in private.” I’m tired just thinking about all that needs to be done. I need to try to eat as much as I can and then get to sleep.

  “What about Eli’s friends that are with him?” Whiskey asks me.

  “Your dad will tell them what he wants them to know. Now get out of here so I can get some rest. I love you to the moon and back, Whiskey girl.”

  “Love you more, Mom. If you need me just yell or text me.” Whiskey moves to bend down and gives me a kiss on my forehead, then she turns and walks out my door. I think Whiskey is adjusting alright, considering Eli just arrived today. Now, I just need to check on Ryder in the morning.

  11

  Grinder…

  I take the last steaks off the grill and carry them back into the kitchen. This house has a nice setup for outside cooking. They have a deck off the kitchen. It’s spacious and has a complete outside kitchen set up on it complete with a gas stove and a refrigerator. There’s even a bar and a bunch of cushy places to sit in a covered area. The pool is just down the steps. A little fancy for me, but I’m liking the hell out of it today. It’s nice to know that even if I wasn’t allowed in Ryder and Whiskey’s lives that they were well taken care of and everything I have seen shows me that.

  Whiskey has been gone for a while, so I’m guessing she needed a little mom time. There’s nothing wrong with that. I like the strong bond my children have with their mom. It shows loyalty to family, and in my life that’s important, and it should be important to any family.

  “This kitchen smells amazing. I’m starving.” Max leads the rest of the men into the room. Ryder goes to the sink and washes his hands and Max follows him.

  “Tanker, why don’t you and Seal go to your rooms and wash up. Whiskey should be down from taking Jenna a tray soon so don’t take too long.” I look at the two men.

  “I was going to grab a quick shower to wash off the dust, but it shouldn’t be more than fifteen or twenty minutes,” Seal tells me.

  “Whiskey will sit and talk to Mom for a while. We both hate that Mom isn’t here with us to eat. It’s always been our time of the day to catch up. Mom always insisted we eat breakfast and dinner together, if possible. Are the coals still hot? I thought I might cook some links on the grill in case I get hungry later. I never stay full very long, that’s the reason I make myself run. I figured I might as well get in the habit because anyone with my love of food is bound to add on the pounds sooner or later.” Ryder laughs as he dries his hands.

  “Go ahead take your showers. We’ll wait for you.” Seal nods his head but Tanker just follows behind him. Tanker is quiet as usual.

  “They better hurry because if Whiskey gets in here, I am going to be beating down their doors. I was not playing around, my stomach is growling.” Ryder laughs at Max as Max holds his stomach.

  “Do you two want a beer? There’re some in the fridge outside. I’m going to put the links on the grill.” I watch Ryder for a second and how he acts with Max. It’s like they’re forming a bond right in front of me. Ryder goes to the refrigerator and takes out a package of links, gets a platter out of the cabinet, and then walks toward the door. Max follows Ryder, and I follow behind them.

  “The coals should be ready for those links. Does your Mom let you drink?” Ryder glances back at me. He goes to the bar and lays down the links and platter, opens the refrigerator and gets out three beers.

  “Mom doesn’t let me do anything. I work like a man and I’m the man of the house, so I’m treated like a man. I take that seriously and it’s rare for me to get shit-faced. Mom doesn’t put a lot of restrictions on us because we have earned her trust.” Ryder hands us each a beer.

  “You’re telling me that you’ve never come home tore down?” Max asks him.

  “I didn’t say that. I just keep it for the appropriate time. Right now, Mom and Whiskey are depending on me to keep this ranch running.” Ryder takes a drink of his beer and puts his hand up. “I don’t mean Whiskey isn’t doing her share. My sister works her ass off but right now she’s also busy taking care of Mom. That’s priority one.” Ryder takes the links and puts them on the grill.

  “How attached are you to this ranch? If your mom and sister were to want to sell it and you three get a place closer to me, would you be open to the idea or is it a no-go for you? I know that we don’t know each other very well and it may take a while for you to love me like a dad, or even like me, but I want all of you close.” I try to explain my thoughts.

  “Does that include Mom? We’re a package deal and you don’t have to forgive her or even like her, but you do have to respect her as our mom. There will be times if you want to see us that she will be with us. We won’t ever abandon our mom. I’ve thought for a while now that we have gone as far as we can with this ranch. We’re forced to go out of this area to do most of our business and that’s a big hassle. The people in this community are too closed-minded and the next generation isn’t going to change anything. It won’t be easy finding a place that will accommodate the stock we will need to take to start over, but I think it should be manageable. Nothing’s impossible if you put your head to it. I don’t think we need this much property. The taxes and upkeep are high. I don’t even know if I want to start another ranch. It takes a lot of demanding work, dedication, and sweat. It overtakes everything in your life, but if we don’t have a ranch, then I don’t know what we would do.” Ryder is sure of what he’s saying so he’s contemplated this before.

  “You could always join the club. You’d need to prospect for at least a year. I’d sponsor you,” Max suggests.

  “There’ are a lot of possibilities and the club is one of those. Ryder, I know that Jenna is your mom and she’ll get my respect for just that reason. I will be honest with you, I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive her. I don’t hate her, but I’ve missed so much with you and your sister. I can’t get that time back. Can you understand that?” I tell Ryder honestly. I see him turning the links over.

  “A wise person once told me, if you don’t leave the past in the past that it could destroy your future. You need to keep your eyes straight down the road and find a balance.” Ryder grins at me. I smile back at Ryder and then he shocks not only me but Max too. “When can I start calling you dad? I feel like I’m disrespecting you by calling you Eli. I don’t have a love toward you yet, but since it’s just us right now, I figured I would put the question out there. I’m sure Whiskey is wondering the same thing. I’m not comfortable talking about feelings and shit but this is important, so I don’t want my pride getting in my way. I know you’re going to be a great dad to me and Whiskey. I see how you are with Max. I see the pain in your eyes when you talk about the time you lost with us, but if you ever repeat that I will deny it. I never want to disrespect you because you did nothing wrong.” Ryder takes the links off the grill and puts them on the platter. “Mom did what she had to do, I don’t get it, but I can’t walk in her shoes from back then. My gut tells me that this is right, us as a family. So, my question again is when can I call you dad? I’m too old for a daddy. I mean I’m a grown man and I promise to try and not throw up on you anytime in the future.” Ryder has put the platter on the bar and is standing beside me now. I reach out to him and pull him into me and hold my son. I squeeze him tight and I feel a complete feeling of happiness.

  “You can call me dad anytime you want, Son. I love you.” Ryder hugs me back and then I feel Max put his arms around us too. This is what we all needed.

  “Can I get in on that family hug? I’m feeling left out over here,” I hear Whiskey say from the door. I look over and see Whiskey

  “Come here and give us some love,” Max says. I open my arms up wider and she walks into them and somehow the four of us stand there and hug each other as a family. I know everything is going to be alright. It’ll be rocky at first, but we’ll come out stronger on the other side. Ryder steps back first but he turns to Whiskey.

  “This is our dad and Max is our brother and they’re family. I won’t disrespect Dad by not addressing him that way. He’s done nothing wrong and he came to find us. These are my feelings on the matter, and I feel strongly about it. I want you with me on this just like we’ve always been.” Whiskey steps back and looks at each of us.

  “I agree, but I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. I feel a strong pull to you, but I won’t fake any feelings I don’t feel.” Then Whiskey’s eyes come to me. “I would like to call you dad. It may take a little time to get used to it because I’ve never called anyone dad before, but I want to try.” That’s all I can ask.

  “I love all three of you.” That’s the only thing I can say. I have so much to be thankful for.

  “How about us? I don’t know about Tanker, but I’m feeling left out of this love fest.” Seal is standing in the doorway with Tanker behind him with a big smile on his face and delivers the tension breaker. I don’t think any of the four of us is comfortable with the feelings going on right now.

  “How about we all move into the kitchen and eat those steaks I just grilled up? Ryder was nice enough to grill some links on the grill for a snack later.” Whiskey looks at Ryder.

  “I can’t believe you said you would share with everyone. I always have to sneak one.” Whiskey is trying to look offended, but I see the smile she’s hiding.

  “Don’t get your panties in a twist, Sis. I said I would share with Max. Don’t start getting jealous now and having a hissy fit.” Now Whiskey looks pissed.

  “I was just funning, idiot. I’ll show you a hissy fit. Dad and I cooked, so you and Max can clean.” Max and Ryder both look shocked, but I know I have a big smile on my face. Whiskey acknowledged me as her dad.

  “How did I get thrown under the bus?” Max asks with a smile on his face.

  “Because Whiskey loves links cooked on the grill, but she hates the smoke coming off the grill since we still have a charcoal one. Mom uses it all the time, but Whiskey stays away from it, plus she doesn’t like the slimy feel of the links. She’s such a diva sometimes.” Whiskey starts laughing, but I’m not sure about what.

  “Shall we tell everyone who doesn’t like slimy? How about the time I put the garter snake in your bed and you came running down the hall screaming like a banshee, or about the time after I got my period you went in my purse and found tampons and you threw my purse across the room like it was on fire? Jeez, Brother, they were still in the small box, or the time I asked you to go by the store and pick me up some tampons and by the time you got home you were three shades of green. I could go on and on. Don’t forget I have a new pet in my room, and I won’t mind sharing him.” Seal and Tanker are laughing hard. I can barely contain my laugh, but Max looks as horrified as Ryder.