“Are you just going to stand there or wash your hands and help?” I laugh as Whiskey turns around and puts her hand on her hip.

  “I was enjoying watching my daughter work in the kitchen. I can tell you now that your two sisters aren’t very familiar with a kitchen. Lexi is sixteen and she tries, but her mom never lets her near the kitchen except for cleanup. She makes a mean grilled cheese, but the rest is hit or miss. Dixie on the other hand burns microwave popcorn and that’s her best dish.” I laugh at the memory of when Dixie burned the popcorn so bad, the house stunk for hours and I thought I was never going to get the smell out of the microwave.

  “I can teach them the basics or try. I’m no gourmet chef but I’m not going to starve to death either. How old is Dixie? Haven’t any of your women known how to cook?” From anyone else I would think that last part was a smartass remark, but Whiskey looks genuinely interested. I walk to the sink and wash my hands and wipe them dry. I take a second to find a tactful way to say what I’m about to say.

  “Deidra, my ex-wife, is a very good cook but she’s all about appearances and what people think. She thought it was beneath Lexi to be cooking for bikers or anyone for that matter. When we were married, we lived two separate lives but when she got me, she also got the club. There are always extras at our table, but as Deidra put it, her children wouldn’t be involved with my club and that included doing anything for them.” I let that sink in for a bit. “Candy was never my wife. I don’t know how much you know about the motorcycle club lifestyle, but in the clubhouse, we have women that are club girls and they are there to keep the brothers happy.” I feel like I’m fucking this up, but Whiskey is listening, and she hasn’t bolted from the room yet. “Look, can you take a break and sit with me so I can explain better? I don’t want to mess anything up with you and Ryder, so it will be easier to get everything out there at once.” Whiskey smiles at me.

  “Quit trying so hard. This should be easy. Don’t try to change your past to rewrite history for us. We’re your children and we just want to get to know our dad and family. Everything isn’t going to be smooth sailing on every issue we talk about. Ryder and I both love Mom beyond words, but neither of us thought she handled this situation the right way. We don’t judge. My thoughts on the matter are that Mom handled things the way she could, but it didn’t make it right for everyone else. We lost a lot of years with a bigger family, so now we all get to deal with the aftermath of her decisions. I know Mom didn’t do it to be malicious. You came and found us as soon as you could and that is the dad thing to do. I know you’re mad at Mom or might even hate her, and I understand that. You have every right to be, the first more than the last. All I ask is that you take her medical condition into consideration when talking to her. In a few weeks, she will be better or better than now. We know one day the chemo Mom takes won’t work, so we make every day count for us and after the chemo treatments she’s at her weakest, so we are very protective.” How did this kid get so smart in eighteen years?

  “I’m trying to keep my anger in check but it’s hard. I missed seeing two of my children grow up. There’s nothing more important than family. I also don’t know how to bring you and Ryder into a lifestyle that you know nothing about. There’s so much to explain just with the club rules.” I’m a bit overwhelmed with it all. I know civilians live by a separate set of rules, but it will be necessary for my children to learn the code in my life. It’s the only way this will work. I know the balance that needs to be kept but Whiskey and Ryder don’t, and they will be getting a crash course soon.

  “Then why don’t we save this conversation for dinner talk. It seems you’re having a tough time putting it into words. I’m sure that the men you brought with you are used to the subject since they’re part of this club life and Max can help. It also means that you only need to have the discussion once since Ryder will be here. Rance can be sent home with one of the farm hands that doesn’t live in the bunkhouse and I know Mom won’t be back tonight. I’ll take her a tray of soup up to her before we eat. She usually eats in her room the first week after chemo.” Whiskey makes sense. Then something she says clicks in my head.

  “How many times has your mom had to go through chemo?” I had my mind on other things earlier, so I didn’t even ask.

  “This is the third time. The first time I was too young to remember it clearly. I think I was five or six, and the only things I can remember is Nina watching us and helping Mom out afterward and the feeling of fear. We knew Mom was sick and I feared losing her. I think that was about the time I wondered why we didn’t have a dad. It was a scary feeling and I was happy when she felt better. The second time I was twelve and I remember the entire process and how I tried to be strong for Mom, but I had a complete feeling of helplessness. I know it was selfish of me, but I spent a lot of time thinking about how if we lost Mom that Ryder and I had no one to turn to and then that thought of losing her was that much more terrifying. It was then I knew one day I would find the man that was our dad. I never wanted to feel like I could lose my entire life if Mom’s treatment didn’t work. I was stronger this time, but I guess it was the difference of getting more mature and being able to handle the tough days that come along in life.” Whiskey has a vulnerable look in her eyes, so I move next to her and hug my daughter to me for the first time in her life and Whiskey starts to cry. I hold her to me tighter and kiss the top of her head. The tears coming from her are breaking my heart, but I have a feeling that this is just what Whiskey needs right now. Then just as fast as I had pulled her into my arms she pulls away. “I’m sorry.” I look at my daughter and she’s trying to dry her face. “I’m not a crier, I’m really not, but today has been a little crazy. My emotions have been all over the place.” I pull her back to me and she comes easily.

  “Don’t ever apologize to me for telling the truth and letting your feelings out. You can’t keep them all bottled up and I am your dad and I’m honored that you trust me enough with how you really feel. That’s what dads are for and I have a lot of years to make up for.” I feel as close to Whiskey right now as I do my other two daughters back home. I just hope both Ryder and Whiskey can come to love me the way I do them, and I hope our family can all be happy. I release my hold on Whiskey and she steps back, and I see her tears are all gone. “We’ll talk more over dinner, but I have a question for you.”

  “Ask me anything. I’m an open book,” Whiskey tells me with a small smile on her lips.

  “Why did your mom name you Whiskey and do you like it?” That gets a full laugh out of Whiskey and my girl is beautiful when she’s laughing.

  “When I first asked Mom about my name, she told me that Ryder and I were both named for a night she holds dear to her heart. One she’ll never forget. I know Mom loved the name, so I did too. Then I went into middle school and the fights were on for both Ryder and me. It wasn’t Ryder’s fault he was just taking up for me, and it lasted until we went into high school.” Whiskey looks at me like she wants to go on, but she hesitates a little.

  “What’s the rest of the story? I need it all,” I tease her.

  “By the time we were in high school, all the boys knew to hold their tongues because either Ryder or I had already kicked their butts. The girls had learned faster because they found out I didn’t throw words. I talk with my fists and I don’t mean slapping or pulling hair.” Whiskey says it with a smile on her face, but her eyes tell a different story. She was hurt by the insults.

  “Jenna put up with you two fighting in school? You’re a young lady and you don’t need to be fighting, let alone fighting with boys. Your brother did the right thing taking up for you.” That’s when the fire takes over Whiskey’s eyes. This is going to be good.

  “I beg your pardon. You did not just say that to me. My mom didn’t like my fighting, but she always told us that we shouldn’t let anyone run over us and we eat shit from no one. You should understand that.” I almost laugh but I think better of it. “I was sexually harassed in middle school because of my name. Boys came to school repeating what their parents were saying behind closed doors about a girl named the way I was and what I would turn into if I wasn’t already, and they would try to play grabby hands. Did I get a few bruises from guys bigger than me, sure I did. I’m not some super girl but I won’t back down. It’s not in me. I wasn’t raised that way. My mom taught me if I stand in a man’s shoes, I better be able to take what is dished out because it was coming my way. I do my best, and if I end up getting my butt kicked, I can take it like a woman.” When I growl at the thought of some boy putting their hands on my daughter, Whiskey laughs. “Calm down, Dad. In high school it all stopped. The snarky girls wanted to date Ryder and the boys thought I was going to be another girl they could brag about bagging. Ryder was popular and the guys left me alone after a while. In other words, it all came out in the wash. Now if I can just get Rance to quit following me around, then everything will be peachy. I do love my name though. I’ve grown into it.”

  “Why don’t you date? Not that I’m complaining, but most young women your age date or have a regular boyfriend that hangs around. What do you have against Rance? Do he and I need to discuss stalking? I can send Max to talk to him.” Whiskey walks to the refrigerator, opens the door and takes out a platter of steaks. I know this is a stalling tactic. Whiskey looks up at me and puts the steaks on the counter.

  “That’s not an easy question to answer.” Whiskey seems to be weighing her words. “I had a boyfriend once, but he wasn’t the man I thought he was and when I say man, he was ten years older than me. Don’t worry he didn’t lay a finger on me. He wanted to court me, his words, not mine. He was strong yet sensitive and hot as ten kinds of Hades. I liked him a lot and he made me feel special. Mom and Ryder never knew. He wanted to meet Mom and Ryder, but I wanted to keep him to myself just for a little while. He owns a big ranch closer to Dallas and he always seemed a little too good to be true. I had a bad feeling in my gut, but I thought I was tied up from keeping the secret of the two of us. I had decided to let him meet Mom and I had just gotten my driver’s license, so I drove to Dallas to let him know. I had his address and when I rang the doorbell, he didn’t answer the door but his wife did. I felt like a fool. When he heard his wife and I arguing at the door, he came to see what the problem was and he never denied anything. He told us that he was looking for an upgrade since his wife couldn’t give him children. I turned and left them arguing and I haven’t talked to the man since then. I just don’t see the point in dating. I’m not into boys my age. I don’t like the games they try and play.

  When it comes to Rance, he’s nice enough but he doesn’t want me as a girlfriend. His eyes are on this ranch.” I’m beginning to think my daughter has a very low opinion of men. Is that my fault for not being here?

  “Are you sure about that, because that boy couldn’t keep his eyes off you today? I’m not trying to push you two together, it’s just an observation. I just know no man is ever going to be good enough for my little girl. You and I need to have an in-depth conversation about men ten years older than you having any kind of relationship with you.” That gets a huff out of Whiskey.

  “Would you have the same issue with Max or Ryder? Just trust me. I learned my lesson and it won’t happen again if I have anything to say about it. The looks from Rance are for Ryder and Mom’s benefit. Those two don’t miss a thing when it comes to someone having an eye on me. They watch me like a hawk. The only way I met the other man is because I went to Dallas for a horse show and sale. We were looking for some stock and selling some others. Mom was busy with end of the year taxes and Ryder was in the playoffs in high school football, so I went instead of one of them.” She stops for a minute.

  “Why aren’t you saying the man’s name, Whiskey?” I ask trying to get his name so I can pay him a visit.

  “I know how protective Ryder is of me so I can only guess you would be even more so. I walked away and it’s over, lesson learned. I don’t want my dad in the pokey when I just got him.” She looks at me and smiles.

  “I can understand that, but we will talk about this later. Tell me more about the Rance situation. Why don’t you think he wants my beautiful daughter as his girlfriend?” Whiskey motions for me to sit in one of the chairs by the table. “Please don’t mention this in front of Ryder. He would kick Rance’s butt.”

  “I won’t make any promises until I know what you’re talking about.” I try to never lie to my children.

  “Alright, I guess. When Rance is in front of Mom and Ryder he’s a perfect gentleman and so attentive. Not that I want him to be or encourage it. I have told him straight up that we aren’t happening. When I’m around him by myself, he tries kissing me and then apologizes about it. He stands too close or brushes up against me. It like he’s making a move on me but then tries to get out of it. It’s like he’s passive-aggressive about the whole thing. In the beginning, I thought he was unsure of himself, but I now know it’s an act. Rance has always been like a brother to me but then he wanted it to be more. I couldn’t figure out what changed and then I remembered that when Mom changes her will, she always gets Rance’s dad to be a witness to it. When I turned eighteen, I was given an even share of the ranch and when Mom passes, Ryder and I will split the ownership. I think that might be his motivation since his girlfriend told me that’s what he’s up to.” Whiskey smiles. For some reason the thought of Rance’s girl coming to her amuses her. It doesn’t me. “Don’t look so pissed. Sophie and I were friends in high school and her and Rance had a thing since freshman year. Rance thinks he will dazzle me with his undying love and attention, but it’s all a lie. People around here don’t like us much. All the men around here think Mom should be settled down and married. Mom found ways of going around the small-minded people here and they hate her for it. That hate just transferred onto Ryder and me. Rance trying to get in good with me is because the city folks think that now that his dad is a widower that he and Mom should get married and then Rance and I should as well.”

  “This sounds like a big mess. Would you ever consider moving away from here or do you want to stay on this ranch?” I ask her cautiously.

  “Neither Ryder nor I want this ranch, but the only way either of us will leave is if Mom is with us. She needs us now and we won’t leave her. We also need to get a fair market price for the ranch. We don’t have a heavy debt because we like to pay cash, but most of the stock would need to be sold first.” Whiskey knows what I’m getting at and she’s thought about it before.

  “I think that won’t be a problem. Do you have any idea what this place is worth?” Whiskey looks at me closely. “Don’t worry, I’m not interested in your money, I just thought if the time came and the three of you decided to make a move that I could help find a buyer or Tanker could. He’s very good with computers and numbers. I’m just thinking ahead.” Whiskey relaxes again.

  “I know you’re not here to rip us off. I just don’t like talking ranch business without Ryder or Mom here. That was our agreement; that two of the three of us had to be present to talk business,” Whiskey tries to explain, and I guess that is good business practice. I don’t want to overstep but if Jenna was serious about selling this place and moving closer to my home, then I am all for it. I also don’t like the idea of the people in this community judging Jenna. I feel my protective side coming out when it comes to Jenna and I know it’s because she is the mother of my children. I need to make sure I keep my feelings in check when it comes to her. The woman wronged me and that needs to stay in the forefront of my thoughts.

  “I don’t want you to do anything or say anything that you’re not comfortable with. We can wait and have this conversation at dinner when Ryder is with us. I want his opinions on a few things so we can talk to Jenna about it together.” Whiskey is shaking her head.

  “How about you put the steaks on the grill, and I’ll take Mom a tray of soup? Ryder and I both like our steaks medium rare.” I smile at my daughter.

  “Is there any other way to cook a steak and enjoy the flavor?” My kids did get something from me.

  10

  Jenna…

  I have had a fitful nap. My dreams woke me with tears rolling down my cheeks. The thing is, I can’t remember what they were about, but they gave me a sad desperate feeling. The meds in the chemo give me this effect every time. I hate it and I need to try and rest, but going back to sleep now just won’t be happening. I pick up the throw I had spread across me and fold it and lay it on the other side of this huge king-sized bed. The restless sleep has more to do with my dreams than the chemo. Ever since Eli walked through the front door, all I have been thinking about, besides how the children are coping with the news, is the what ifs, what could have been, and how our lives might have been. Is this my payback?

  I get out of bed and walk to my adjoining bathroom, take care of my business and run a brush through my hair. I look at the brush and there are more strands of hair coming out. I have noticed my eyebrows have thinned as well. The thought of losing my hair brings the tears back to my eyes. Then I snap out of the self-pity and pull myself together. I wash my face and dry it. The chemo may make me lose my hair, but I will live to fight another day and for that reason I will embrace any changes that I go through. I’m not the first person to go through this and I won’t be the last. I will have more time with my children and that makes it all worth it.

  I walk to my rocker in front of my window and I sit and look out over our ranch. When I first moved here, I thought this was the most beautiful place I had ever been. I could picture myself sitting in a room just like mine and rocking my children. I bought my king-sized bed so my children could run to my room and crawl into my bed when they were scared, and we would all be comfortable. This has always been my sanctuary, but today it feels like a tomb. I want to be with Whiskey, Ryder, Eli, and Max. I want to feel the bond they are forging. I want to help all of them, but I don’t want them to feel like I’m intruding so I stay in my room.