A voice slithered through the cracks. “Our new angels have taken their blood oath to the Ascension Order.” For a moment she remembered who the voice belonged to, someone she knew in school but didn’t see very often. Someone important. “Now we ask for you to cleanse their souls in our waters. They will take the leap of faith in order to join us in mind, body and soul.”

  A pomegranate appeared in her hand, and she noticed one in Elise’s hand too. They turned to each other and hooked their arms, bringing their fruits to each other’s mouths and taking a bite into the sweet, sweet juice, seeds breaking between their teeth. Pink and red dripped down their chins and stained their robes but the angels assured them that the water would wash it all out.

  The red angel pushed her, two solid hands against the small of her back, and she fell and closed her eyes and braced for the salty water to overtake her and cleanse her.

  Wash away my sins. Take away my guilt, I can’t hold it anymore. It’s too much, it’s too much, it’s too much. So much to gain, so much to lose. Wash away my sins.

  The salt stung her cuts and scars, especially the ones she couldn’t see, and she screamed under the water until someone pulled her out and wrapped a towel around her.

  When she opened her eyes again, she was back in the warm, ritual room facing Elise. Her pretty little mouth moved again and this time she heard I love you, Veaer.

  I love you too, Elise.

  The leader said more words that bounced off the walls which were covered in strange symbols and sigils. The red angel danced around them, throwing herbs at their feet. She wanted the red angel to take her to dance too.

  Instead, she giggled and took Elise’s hands as the leader anointed them with oil.

  She watched the oil drip down her forehead and onto her nose and down to her lips.

  The music grew louder, and the leader chanted wondrous words that she didn’t understand. The spirits of the angels were upon her and now she knew she could dance as she pleased. Their spirits were so familiar, lifelong. They were friends and they knew each other. When she stared into the smokey forms of the four heroes, she knew their names, their real names. Iris, Marin, Myst and Kalaya, is this all that you ever wanted from me? When you sought the help of a Rosell, was this it?

  An overwhelming amount of silk surrounded her, and she grasped for something to hold onto, until she found Elise in her palms and the princess was smiling down at her. It was only when she looked for where the breeze was coming from that she looked upon a balcony she knew very well. Framed butterflies scattered across the room, so many specimen frames. Butterflies of all colours and they kept changing shapes and sizes.

  The walls bent and broke and a grassy field fell upon her, sunny even though it was night. Cold even though she was hot. She was so little, and the trees touched the stars. Then her entire being filled to the brim with dread. She knew what happened here. She watched a young girl running away from her. Veaer held her arms out and tried to run too but her legs were too short, and everything was so far away. The young girl fell to the ground, her brown hair pooling around her like blood and an angel appeared above her. Kalaya Thawan, Angelus Pavo. And the angel cried.

  Veaer, I love you. I love you.

  Elise was still wearing her robes, stained with fruit juice and blood, and she laughed while bending down to kiss Veaer like she wanted to suck her soul away. And Veaer kissed back and let her hands roam and pulled Elise into her because she wasn’t allowed to leave.

  Don’t leave, don’t leave, don’t leave. They can’t hurt us if we’re together. They can’t hurt us.

  CHAPTER 32

  HARQ CARRASH

  Year 3, Semester 1, Week 10

  Veaer spent her Monday morning with her head in Elise’s toilet.

  When she finally felt entirely empty inside, she flushed and washed her face and mouth, and Elise offered for her to take a shower from the other side of the door.

  “What about my uniform?”

  Her voice was dry and quiet, but Elise seemed to understand as she answered, “I’ll have someone bring it up, don’t worry.” And she didn’t worry.

  She let the warm water thread her skin back together as she slid the bar of soap across her body. She hated feeling sick and nauseous so when she woke up this morning with a headache that rivalled every headache she’d ever had and saliva pooling in her mouth, she only wanted to cry. She preempted what would come next and locked herself in the bathroom. The words of the red angel played in her head, on drinking water when it came to alcohol, and her experience only worsened when her body started to convulse in need of the antidote.

  As soon as she stepped out of the shower, tremors overtook her system and she rushed into the main area with just a towel in hopes of finding her uniform somewhere in the room. She was pleased to spot it on a chair next to the tea table, a shot of the antidote poured out for her already with two pills and a note reading ‘medicine’.

  At first, she was hesitant to take it, unsure if this was for Elise instead. But then she saw an identical bottle next to the bed and threw her head back for the sweet and spicy liquid, the pills being strange lumps that moved through her throat.

  The bedroom door opened just as she fastened her loafers and Elise walked in holding a folded piece of paper, already dressed for the school day. It appeared to be a new message by the frown that settled on the princess’ lips.

  “What’s it say?” Veaer pushed the chair back under the table and then pocketed the amber bottle.

  “Tomorrow night is the next ritual.”

  “So soon?” She walked over to the large bed by the balcony, finding her satchel of sketchbooks and paper. A well of appreciation rose in her chest and she looked back at Elise with a smile.

  “Yes,” Elise replied but her eyes said something more in the way they darted away from Veaer. “We must fast as well. A sort of abstinence as part of the ritual’s offering.”

  “Okay, though I’m still wondering why so soon. One or two days doesn’t seem like enough time to recover.” Veaer monitored Elise’s reactions and found something suspicious in the way she took a step back and wrapped her arms across her chest. “Did something happen?”

  “They want to capitalise,” Elise started, a vacant look in her eyes as she stared out her glass balcony doors. Maybe the trees knew something she didn’t. “I remember conversing with the leader last night… about visions.” Grass blades and a waterfall of brown. A crying angel. Pomegranate. Visions may have been the correct label for her too. “I saw Tychon, and he was with us, dancing and singing. He wore the same robes with pink and blue gems, clear quartz around his wrists.”

  Veaer didn’t want to admit that she’d been seeing Tychon this whole time and also met the four heroes last night. But maybe they weren’t even there—she could hardly remember anything else that happened, or how she ended up in Elise’s room, but Elise didn’t appear to have a problem with this development.

  “Is it… the grief?” Veaer asked. What she really meant was is it the love left behind that’s coming back for you now?

  “I think about him sometimes. But not enough that he would… seem so happy to be around me again. Like we used to be.” Elise busied her hands with preparing her own satchel for the day.

  Before he passed, Elise and Tychon didn’t leave each other’s side. If Elise sat down, most knew not to take the next seat over. When Veaer looked at Elise’s assignments that required a partner, Tychon’s name was always right next to hers. When they wanted the world to know them and what they had, they sat on the balcony and spoke to the moon. Veaer wasn’t meant to know, but she did anyway.

  “Had they not seen Tychon before you?” Despite how strange it sounded, it seemed to be the easiest question. Rather than ‘what made your experience so special?’ or ‘so we’re meant to break the rules for this?’. They were already breaking many rules.

  “No. They considered it a sign to keep trying, because if we can contact Tychon and learn more about what happened when he…”—you really do want to know what he was doing, don’t you?—“And if he can tell us what to do next, it would provide proper direction to the order, more than Q can provide.”

  That was true. She had never made an effort to have a constructive conversation to Tychon to see if he would lend anything useful past his death. Perhaps that would’ve been a useful avenue when she wanted to know more about Elise initially, but she was making her own progress in that sense.

  Veaer strode across the room with a glance at the clock. She had plenty of time to get to homeroom—

  She stopped in the doorway, her fingers letting go of the handle as the door remained open.

  “Q? Who’s that?” She turned around and found Elise closer than she anticipated. The princess placed a hand against the door frame and Veaer took that as a sign that she wasn’t allowed back in.

  “Oh, it’s what the leader told me to call him. Q.” Elise waved her hand dismissively and then went to step forward, forcing Veaer to move away from the door and let Elise lock up behind her. “Just like the other angel. R.”

  R for Red? “But why did he only tell you, not me?” Veaer said quickly, wanting to catch Elise’s hand as she darted towards the staircase, but she was just too late, and her palms were left cold and empty.

  Elise didn’t get a chance to reply when the other door opened. Izot walked out first, chatting away about something with no regard for the others in the hallway. Harq stepped out after him, then balancing on his cane as he took a key out and locked Izot’s room.

  “Ah, Elise.” Izot paused to take a moment to stare. His lips smiled but his eyes did not. “And Veaer. Happy Monday morning, yes?”

  A thread had been tugged tight between the Excava siblings and Veaer wanted to be anywhere else, but Izot had blocked the way back, there was nowhere to go when both rooms were locked, and Elise was still standing at the top of the staircase.

  Harq was the one to push past the prince and smile, gently and kindly, at Veaer. “Apologies, Veaer. The way these two act when no one is around… it’s appalling, really!” He laughed and she found herself joining. That was true if she considered herself part of this ‘no one’ collective. He pressed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and a corner of his lips twitched upwards. “You’ve taken a liking to Elise?”

  Veaer’s cheeks flushed red, and she turned to gain Elise’s opinion on the question, but only caught a glimpse of an underclassman climbing the stairs to escort Elise to class, leaving Veaer to stand with the prince and Harq in a space she entirely didn’t belong in.

  She shuffled against the wall, watching Izot walk past her like she was nothing. Harq shook his head, turning his feet towards the staircase as if he wanted to escape this manor as soon as he could, though remained still.

  “Shouldn’t you follow?” Veaer prompted quietly. She didn’t want to be scrutinised any longer under his gaze.

  “Those Excavas, always testing us,” Harq mumbled for Veaer to hear only. At this, she perked up and wondered where this was coming from or where this was going. “Perhaps you and I are not so different. Wouldn’t you do anything for Elise Excava?”

  Somehow, when he turned away for a breath, his glasses didn’t reflect against the light at all. As if there were no lenses in those frames. Why would he wear broken glasses?

  “Yes,” she whispered, trying to shake off any paranoia. “I would.” Just as she made an oath to the Ascension Order, she made one in heart to Elise.

  Harq picked up his cane and held it in two hands behind his back. Veaer’s gaze instantly flicked to his bad leg, but it stood like the other, no telling sign for which had been injured. She knew nothing except for her racing heartbeat and melded even closer to the wall when Harq leaned towards her ear.

  “I would do anything for Izot Excava.”

  Veaer stayed on the fifth floor for a very long time, staring at the patterns on the wall. Her thoughts were quiet.

  I wonder why Q only revealed his code name to Elise and not me. Did I simply forget about it?

  It would’ve been so easy for him to come up to me and say, “Hello there, Veaer, my other new initiate. It slipped my mind to introduce myself! How rude. I’m Q.”

  Oh, thank you, Q. I’m so glad you were able to share this necessity of an answer with me and not just the princess. I did the same ritual as her. I’m as deserving as her.

  Then they grew louder.

  Elise, why did you just walk away? We have something special, and we need to stay together. You said it yourself, and now you’ve turned your back on your own words?

  “Everything we have. Everything that is ours.”

  You are everything I have. Is that not enough?

  And louder.

  “We’re leaving the academy.”

  “I’m not leaving.”

  “Veaer, help us. Tell us what to do. You’re important, you can tell us.”

  I don’t know the answer, I don’t know the answer.

  And louder.

  “I would do anything for Izot Excava.”

  What the fuck did that mean?

  We aren’t friends. Do non-friends speak to each other in this way? We have only spoken on rare, polite occasions. Does he plan to hurt Elise? Do something to her for his loverboy?

  Patrons above, why have you done this to me?

  It pained her to no end, a cramp setting in her jaw from clenching too hard, and when she finally moved, it was to turn around and hit the wall over and over again. For too many days she was left with questions and questions and more questions. Why were answers so scarce? In an academy dedicated to learning and gaining information, why was she so useless?

  She could only hide behind the affections of Elise and the familiarity of the twins for so long. The desire for knowledge that burrowed deep in her heart and bones laid dormant when she pleased it through dopamine and thrill. But when it woke, it woke up frustrated and overstimulated and in need of a buffet.

  What she had learnt in the last week wasn’t enough to feed the beast.

  Consequence and penance for what happened to Tychon wasn’t enough.

  Could this be a different feeling entirely? Perhaps she hadn’t really awakened it.

  Was this jealousy? She didn’t like to feel jealous because it meant she wasn’t grateful for what she had. It was a sick feeling that stuck to her like mud on her face. For everyone to see, to show how out of touch she was. The world didn’t revolve around her.

  Her body heated up and her hand flew to her face, glad for her cold palm against red cheek. Something vague about water echoed in her mind but she didn’t have time for that. The wallpaper merged into dancing patterns and Tychon was at the bottom of the staircase, throwing petals and herbs on the carpet to a song she almost didn’t hear until it started playing in her head.

  Light bulbs appeared in the wallpaper until they exploded and became replaced by little feathered angels.

  More answers. If she could answer her own questions, the beast would go away, Elise would come back, and Harq wouldn’t hurt them.

  She rushed down to the fourth floor, crashing through the ghost of Tychon and leaving him in pieces. He cried and cried but the sound disappeared with each floor she descended. Gold and red wrapped around her, flowers flying out of vases to run along with her. The paintings came alive and danced as she spotted her dorm room and burst through the door. An explosion came from somewhere behind her and she dove for the closet, digging out the books she had wrapped in a jacket and tossing them on the table.

  She opened the cover with a smiling angel, but the words wouldn’t cooperate and hid among blades of grass. Every page she turned revealed a little girl that bled hair, then blood, then crystals, then wings, and then blood again. That day continued to elude her. She shut the book and slid it across the desk until it fell on the floor with a satisfying thump.

  Her fingers tried to find the tarot journal, but it started sinking into the table and didn’t come out underneath. She sighed and rubbed her eyes, and it was on the floor now too.

  Before she knew it, she was in front of Adair’s bedroom door. Uncertainty coated her as she wondered how she managed to get up here with no permission. She knocked, despite knowing Adair was going to be at class already. When no one replied, she tried the doorknob and found it unlocked.

  Adair’s room was just as she remembered, warm autumn colours and incredibly neat. A bookshelf and a desk combination, the books alphabetised and Veaer remembering every time she was invited here and would swap some of the books around to see if Adair noticed. She always did.

  Veaer walked over to the desk and opened the drawers, pressing at the bottom of each until the third one budged and moved to reveal a key.

  A master key to Miriam Manor; she could get into any dorm room she wanted.

  When she exited and closed the door, she was in front of Tychon’s room. A clock ticked nearby. Tick, tick, tick. Oh, she was late for class.

  A sign that read ‘under investigation’ hung from Tychon’s doorknob, covering the keyhole. She moved it out of the way and stuffed the key in, backwards at first, and then correct. The door unlocked under her command.

  “I’ll find you,” she said to the void. A black hole sucking her into Tychon’s desolate, abandoned room. So quiet, it was so quiet. Perfect for thinking, perfect to create a masterpiece.

  Her vision rifled through shards of images and symbols that felt familiar enough that it may have been a memory but strange enough that it could’ve been one of her projects, but also what if it was all a dream? She always believed dreams were a way to access parallel universes. Just as she could rewrite memories whenever she wanted, she just had to remember. Memories weren’t real, they were recollections of the last time they remembered something.

  The tears of Angelus Pavo channelled through Veaer, and her cheeks soaked in sorrow and regret, into the carpet, into the dirt.

  “Who did this to you?” Veaer sobbed as she clutched Tychon’s bed sheets. A kaleidoscope of butterflies sat in the criss-cross pattern of the donna, open and without concern for prey. “You were always so kind. You gave me a flower. You told me that I could make a wish.”