Veaer shivered, hard, and she wondered if the poison had returned to make this even more confusing. But she wiped her forehead from cold sweat and rubbed her eyes with the heels of her palms. “Q… is that you?” But he wore a school uniform, too, one that was much too distinguishable and made his mask obsolete.

  A gold and red blazer with embroidered hems and a white band around his bicep with the school’s insignia. A cane in his hands but he stood just fine. No glasses in sight—no way they would fit under that mask.

  “Veaer, you were so passionate!” Harq shook Veaer’s shoulder. “So willing. So willing to be sacrificed for your Excava counterpart. I see so much of myself in you!”

  His laugh grew maniacal as Veaer stumbled and tried to piece her thoughts together. Was it Q or Harq with her? Was this the leader of the Ascension Order or the right-hand-man of Izot? And in a way, it saddened her to realise that they were one in the same. Just as Adair was R, Harq was Q, and for some reason he was revealing this to them now.

  Elise curled up against the edge of the stone railing and rocked back and forth, muttering to herself. Veaer watched tears run down her cheeks and made a step forward. She couldn’t bear to stand there and do nothing. But Harq held a hand out and took her steps instead, crouching next to Elise.

  “You were really going to do it,” he said, a semblance of awe in his voice. “I always thought you would but to see it… it only confirmed my beliefs. And your magic, buried under your senti heritage, it shone! The way you burned those ropes apart and extinguished those candles. The screaming wasn’t quite necessary, but I can understand the emotion of it all!”

  Veaer backed up until she hit a wall. Her hands shook and she was so, so cold. The sky grew darker, and evening was approaching the cathedral tower. She attempted to recall the last minutes of her memory but her inability to place Tychon in the scene made her frustrated enough to cry out in pain.

  All this time she had been searching for an explanation. And when she finally figured out the mystery that had been haunting her since childhood, the answer could only be—

  “Elise Excava, you have something special.”

  “I do?” Elise’s weak voice clung to Veaer’s heartstrings. Her hand hovered between reaching out and staying by her side. Heed the angel’s warning.

  “Something more special than your brother.” And that put a smile on the princess’ face. “You passed, and for that you will be blessed.” Harq stood up and let out a breathy laugh, leaning against the tower’s railing as if it were just another day, another view. “When we lost Tychon, and we knew that a Thawan was impossible to track down, we were only left with one half of the legacy. Boudreau and Carrash. But now… we might just be able to bring them back.” He clapped his hands and praised Veaer and Elise again. Oh, how wonderful your sacrifice. Oh, how wonderful your will. “And when the time comes, you both will be very important.

  PART IV

  “Everything is more beautiful because we are doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again.”

  ― Achilles, Troy (2004)

  CHAPTER 37

  SO LONG AS WE’RE TOGETHER

  1, 2, 3, 4. 1, 2, 3, 4.

  Her eyes burnt no matter how dim the lights were. An incessant buzzing travelled through the walls. Music from somewhere in the manor grated her nerves and she could feel the vibrations in her bones. Her thoughts blurred together, causing her mind to wander and feed into the slush of brain she was left with. When something finally pieced together, she had returned to that cathedral tower all over again.

  Life doesn’t flash before your eyes when you are dying—death does. And she saw her corpse tied in rope and charred from candle flames, her chest and stomach ripped open by a blade before a flurry of butterflies burst from within her and flew into the sun.

  Some of them stayed, helping to weave cocoons for new creatures of beauty and nature. They harvested her bone marrow and ran it through a loom to create silk. Her ribs were the perfect place to hang their enclosures. Her insides were still warm enough to let them grow.

  A hurricane of regret and incapacitating responsibility lurched her forward and she found herself stumbling through Elise Excava’s dorm room door. She fumbled with the handle to get it shut and then fell into a chair that was in her way. Her face slammed into the carpet as the chair clattered to the floor and she took relief in just laying on her back and staring at the underside of half a table while the rest of her view was off-white ceiling.

  Her chest was going to explode if she didn’t scream soon, just to let the flapping wings in her chest out. But her body wasn’t cooperating, nor did she want to cause such a nuisance. Today was already enough, and she didn’t know if she could make it through.

  She turned her head when she heard a click from her left, letting her cheek relax against soft fabric. Oh, she could’ve fallen asleep then and hoped to wake up with no cocoons inside her. She only saw a pair of feet step out of the bathroom and then a small white towel dropping to the floor.

  Veaer opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Her lips were so dry and her heart so empty. She hadn’t said a word when Q escorted her down to a tucked away chapel and used holy water and a cloth to clean the dirt and dust from her face. When he said that bigger things were going to happen very soon, she didn’t want to know what that meant. Then a protector appeared out of nowhere and brought her back to the dorms. She tried to ask questions, but the mask stayed on and the silence continued.

  “What are you doing here?” Elise asked, her voice as level as always. She walked around to pick up the chair and sat down. Veaer didn’t bother to move. She could see part of Elise’s face but not her eyes, not her lips.

  “I don’t… why did you do that?”

  Elise took several moments to answer. “You know why. I had to prove that I was willing to sacrifice something I love so dearly.”

  Veaer blinked slowly and her gaze tracked the satin slip dress that Elise wore with the intention to sleep. She would never own anything so elegant. And if she did, she wouldn’t dare sleep in it. “It’s hard to believe that you still love me.”

  “It was only a test. Harq wasn’t really going to let me do it.”

  A test, a test. Just like every other week. Recalling ancient artists and styles of old times. Learning and adapting to new trends. How to move her paint brush, what size and shape her canvas should be. If she used charcoal or pastels. If she drew an angel or a butterfly.

  “You passed.”

  “Of course,” Elise said, like she had received an A in her most recent folio submission.

  “Because you had full intention.”

  “Darling, why are you on the floor? Let’s not talk about this anymore. It’s so morbid.” Elise stood up and Veaer watched her legs move to the bed. The fluffy trim of her nightgown tickled the top of her head. “Come to bed with me. It’s so late.”

  “I wouldn’t have been the first,” Veaer whispered.

  “I’ve had others in my bed before, but that is no matter.” Elise laughed, off tune, off rhythm. The sound tapered awkwardly into the quiet night.

  Veaer decided it was time to get up. She grabbed the table leg as support as she turned her body over and sat on her knees, and as she stood on both feet, she pushed the table out of the way, sending cups and a jug of cold tea crashing into the floor. Elise shrieked, and Veaer looked to the side at the kitchen bench sitting on its lonesome in this pseudo-apartment dressed as a student dorm. Hardly used by how pristine it was; Elise didn’t have to cook as the princess. She wondered if a knife block was housed there, sharp and clean.

  “I wouldn’t have been the first that you held a knife against,” Veaer clarified. She moved shards of broken glass to the side with her shoe and took a step towards Elise. “And Tychon wasn’t your first either.”

  Elise gripped her bed sheets, a look of shock and anger brewing on her features. Her delicate features contorted into something more human than beauty. “How could you say such a thing? My best friend is dead and you’re accusing me?”

  “Your best friend is dead and so is mine.”

  “What in Syriphia are you saying… Please, Veaer. Just come to bed. We’ll have someone clean the glass in the morning, but you need sleep.” Elise held her shaky arms out in a pathetic invitation for a hug.

  “You didn’t only kill Tychon, stabbing him in the back over and over again. You watched the hope light up his eyes and you still decided to do it. And I still don’t know why. I still don’t understand even after you tried to get rid of me next.” She swayed from side to side, holding her arm that didn’t appreciate fighting against rope ties and prophetic angels. “And you took Kitt away from me. She was just a little girl.”

  “Kitt…? Who—”

  “Kitt Thawan!” Veaer screamed as she lifted her hands and imitated animal ears against the crown of her head. “Little purple cat caemi.” She waved her fingers. “First Thawan, and then Galacia. You must be after the Carrash and Boudreaus next.” Adair and Haiwrin, she had to protect them. Even if Elise hurt her, she couldn’t let her get to the friends that still wanted her after all she had become.

  “Patrons above, I didn’t think this would happen.” Elise’s confusion, a frown and furrowed brows, washed away in place of understanding and surprise—as if she genuinely didn’t know what Veaer had meant and now was completely happy to take responsibility like a child would after breaking a window with a foul ball. A slow smile, polite and courteous. “You were there. You were the little dog that Tychon had to hold back.”

  Veaer straightened up, holding a cautious hand forward in case Elise decided to do anything. “You admit it. You did it. You killed both of them.”

  “Oh, Veaer. You didn’t need me to admit it if you already knew.” Elise tsked and shook her head in that way that made Veaer want to crawl into the walls and hide. “You’re much smarter than this. You wouldn’t be here, in the academy, if you weren’t.”

  I earned my place here, I deserve it. Veaer bristled in the shoulders and took a careful step to the side. Away from the glass, but not away from Elise. She would not back down. “I’m smart enough to know that I can’t let you get away with this. I’ve kept your secret for too long.”

  “And I never asked you to keep anything for me.” A serpentine smile stretched over her lips. “You were there when it happened, weren’t you? You followed me when I was looking for Tychon and you watched me do it.” A shrill laugh filled the room as Elise threw her head back and held a hand to her chest. “Oh, you’re so lovely, Veaer. You’re so kind. I never asked you to do any of that and you just did it.” She wiped a stray tear from her eyes. “Have you been seeing Tychon this whole time? Has he been following you? He told me something like this would happen and I never had the mind to believe him! But look at us now…”

  Elise stood from the bed, a shy creak emitting from the bed frame. The satin nightgown slid from the sheets and hovered above the floor with a flow that she could never achieve. Both of their eyes flew to the shards of glass, and she wasn’t fast enough in her attempt to push Elise away as the princess shoved her hands into Veaer’s chest and sent her into a wooden dresser.

  Blood dripped into the puddle of iced tea as Elise clutched a large glass fragment. Veaer watched each drop run down golden skin and then disappear among fruit and leaves.

  “I’m very fortunate to have taken precautions.” Elise waved the fragment, cutting the air and letting red splatter here and there.

  “You’re going to kill me, too?” Veaer forced a level tone in her voice even as she watched the tip of glass get closer and closer. Her insides were aflame, yet her hands and legs were frozen solid. “Send me to the grave and then wait for the next one to come along and try to protect you?”

  Elise stopped in front of her, their breaths close enough to mingle. The sharp point pressed against Veaer’s stomach, lightly, but enough that she held her breath and let the tears well up in her eyes. For a moment, she saw the girl she still loved. Shapes cut at just the right places, freckles dotted like an artist’s prized masterpiece, clothing that was entirely made for her, and, at the same time, she still would look quite beautiful in no clothing at all.

  She was an intellectual mind and a visionary creative. Veaer kept a copy of each assignment in a folder in her room and liked to read them whenever she was stuck for inspiration. Elise liked the foods Veaer liked. Elise liked the art that Veaer liked. They did the same classes and followed a routine only known to them as art stream students of Adraredon Academy. They were so same and so different and that made it all the more exciting and terrifying.

  Elise made her feel like they could take over the world.

  Perhaps if Elise got rid of her now, she could still keep the mystery of Elise Excava in the afterlife. The unknown against the known, bursts of gold and rose and black and red. Myriads of shapes she held in her palms and composition with a heartbeat.

  She could leave the world proud that she undid Elise, emotionally, physically. In will and in love. She finally knew what happened that day years ago and maybe she didn’t need any more answers.

  Becoming a home to butterflies didn’t seem too bad. Maybe Elise would frame her too.

  But instead, the pain against her stomach faded away and a burst of honey overtook her tongue, a kiss against her lips, and the texture of satin and skin against her hands. Her throat longed for air at the same time as she sighed into Elise. Everything was warm and cold, and her mind sparked with electricity and short-circuited.

  Before she knew it, she was being guided towards the bed and as much as she fought to take control back, to ask what was happening and figure things out, her train of thought was washed away in place of closing her eyes and just feeling.

  Maybe this was how it felt to die. To be kissed by death.

  “I love you, Veaer.” Elise’s voice echoed in her ears between kisses and touches. “I know you won’t tell anyone what I did.” What will you do to me if I do? “I’m hopeless without you.” Do you really need me this much? “Don’t you love me, Veaer?”

  “I love you, Elise.”

  “You’re so good to me.” A kiss to her forehead, a kiss to her chin, a kiss to each cheek and a kiss to her lips. “Everything is ours. The world is ours. And no one can hurt us, so long as we’re together.”

  CHAPTER 38

  CONFESSIONS OF LIFE AND DEATH

  The clock on the wall read 12:12am.

  She stared at the ceiling, listening to the other heartbeat that attached itself to her left arm. She noted that she could easily slide out of bed, ending up on the outer edge before the princess fell asleep, but then did nothing.

  The clock on the wall read 12:43am.

  She turned her head and faced a sleeping Elise. So peaceful and not dangerous at all. If Elise slept forever, then she wouldn’t have to worry about watching herself at every moment, wondering what could be used as a weapon nearby. A shard of glass, a chair as a blunt weapon, pushing her off the balcony, using an actual knife and stabbing her.

  When the clock’s seconds hand ticked over twelve and read 1:11am, Veaer sat up and put her entire mind towards carefully pulling her arm away from Elise’s grip. She avoided the broken glass on the floor and found her blazer thrown somewhere in the room.

  She ended up wearing the blazer inside out in the darkness, realising when she tried to stuff her hands in her pockets to warm up but was only met with continued coldness. No one else would be able to tell, so she faced her next challenge: the door.

  Elise could wake up at any moment, to a squeak, to an accidental step in spilled tea turned loud gasp, to noticing that she wasn’t in bed with her anymore. She treaded along the carpet all the while wondering what it would’ve been like as a cat caemi, even more nimble and quiet.

  She reached the door and turned the handle, which needed a bit more force than she wanted, and she almost yelled at the inanimate object for making a chunk sound to turn it all the way. But eventually she swung it open just enough to fit through, not too much for the hinges to reveal her, and not too little that she would trip or injure herself in the process.

  The fourth floor halls, sleepy and maybe not so scary as the top of the manor, provided a perfect pacing ground. It was all she could manage after what Elise made her promise. Perhaps not an official promise that came with a pinky shake, but one weaved into a lovely confession that she held close to her heart and protected with walls and shields.

  She had intended to protect the princess and redeem well-earned knowledge and answers by keeping the secret to herself, like a personal royal guard. She had dug a cavern dedicated to holding what this secret had to offer. The ghosts, the questioning, the discoveries, the riddles, the late nights, and the looks over her shoulder when she walked anywhere on the grounds.

  But now things were different. Because the best and worst person to know the secret she held was the very person she was keeping the secret for. Now, more than ever, she needed the support of someone else. Or two someone elses.

  The Boudreau twins would understand her. Just as she understood Adair’s desire to become their highest self, and Haiwrin’s wish to leave and make sure they were all safe. It would only be right for them to trust her judgement and remain open to what she had to say. The timing was perfect. The horrific reality that she didn’t truly know everything about Adair’s inner workings sparked feelings of betrayal and disbelief within her, but it invited her to share the misgivings plaguing her mind. Adair must have felt so relieved to tell Veaer about their journey and Haiwrin had managed to spend time outside his room. She knew they wouldn’t do anything to her for keeping this secret; she had done nothing wrong, and they would’ve done the same for each other and her.