“Uhhh, my stepdad is useless and my mum panics in situations like this. I had to kinda figure it out as I went. Let’s go grab them and see if you have any spare I can borrow for tonight. I’m guessing the garage flat’s on the same circuit and will be out too.”

  “Oh, um, let’s have a look.” We walk to the utility and I dig around in the cupboard there, pulling out a big torch, a box of emergency candles, and a lighter. A quick check and a sense of relief rolls over me when the torch comes on. “I don’t think I have another torch, but you could take some candles. Do you have matches or a lighter?”

  “No, but I could go set up and then bring the lighter back to you. I can help you get yours set up first.”

  Panic bubbles back up at the thought of him leaving.

  “Can you stay?”

  He stares at me. I must look a fright with the light from the torch.

  He must be annoyed that I’m giving him such mixed messages. I break things off and now I’m asking him to stay. “It’s fine. You go, take the candles and lighter. I’ll be good with the torch.”

  “I can stay,” he says quietly. “How about I sleep on the couch?”

  “We could talk or play cards or something? I can’t see myself sleeping anytime soon.”

  “Sure. Is it okay if I grab some water?”

  “Of course. Are you hungry? I can find you a snack too.”

  “Nah, it’s all good. I ate at the bar.” He takes a glass from the cupboard before filling it at the sink. I watch as he drinks it down and refills it.

  I squeeze my eyes shut. I wish I was feeling more stable, that I could send him away and just be here by myself, but that stupid movie really spooked me. I don’t want to be alone. And if I send him away, I will probably spend the rest of the night, unable to sleep, freaking out at every little noise.

  “Rummy,” Alex declares as he lays yet another winning hand down on the coffee table.

  “How are you so bloody good at this?” I look across from where we’re sitting on the floor and watch a grin spread across his face.

  “My Grandpa was a total card shark. He taught me. I haven’t played for ages though. Not since he…” His voice trails off. I reach across to lay my hand over his where he’s collecting up the cards to shuffle and deal again. “He died when I was eighteen. I’ve not really played since.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that. It sounds like you were close?”

  “Yeah, we were. He used to watch me after school until my mum found out he’d been taking me to the betting shop. I always preferred that though to going home and potentially bumping into my stepdad.”

  “When did your mum remarry?”

  It’s hard to make out his features, but the candlelight casts a gentle glow on his face, and I can see that he’s trying to work it out.

  “I was seven or eight, I think.”

  “And your father…”

  “I think he stuck around for a while after I was born, but I don’t remember him. There’s no contact. And anytime I bought it up with Mum, she brushed it off. In the end, I stopped asking.”

  He’s shuffling the deck and the rhythmic motion of his hands with the cards draws my attention. He’s so good with his hands—the cards, the pottery, my body. I shut that thought down immediately.

  “And you never got on with your stepfather?” I ask, trying to distract myself.

  “No. He and Mum had this whirlwind romance. They were only together for a couple of months before he moved in and they got married. The more I think about it, the more I think he saw an opportunity to own half the house. I guess they were happy together to start with, but I never see my mum smile anymore.” He pauses to draw in a breath, his focus on the wall. “And whenever Laura and I try to do stuff with her like take her out for brunch on her birthday, he just ruins it. Gets all shitty that we don’t invite him and whines at Mum until she says he has to come too. Then he usually picks apart the place we choose and the food and expects us to pay for his meal as well as Mum’s.” Our eyes meet, the reflection of the candlelight flickering in his.

  “I’m sorry you have to put up with him.”

  “It’s easier now that I'm older. I tend to avoid him at all costs. I just wish I could spend time with Mum without him there, but I can’t see that happening anytime soon.” He shrugs. “I’m grateful for the place to stay, Mel. It’s refreshing being away from that toxic environment.”

  I give him a sad smile. He’s such an amazing guy that I wish things could be different, but hearing more about his family life just confirms I’m doing the right thing in letting him go. He needs to experience all the joys of being in his twenties with no responsibilities.

  “I just wish…” his voice is pitched low, his stare intense. “... I just wish things could have worked between us.” His throat bobs with a swallow.

  What can I say? I don’t know how to explain why I think he needs to do his own thing. I don’t want to sound condescending. My teeth worry my bottom lip. “I think it will be good for you to be footloose and fancy-free without a care in the world. Take this independence and run with it, Alex, before you’re tied up in responsibility. You have so much talent. You shouldn’t let anything hold you back from exploring that and seeing where you end up.”

  “I can do that whilst being in a relationship.” He frowns as he says it.

  “You don’t want to be stuck with me. I’m fifteen years older than you.”

  “You don’t think I can decide that for myself?” His head tilts to the side, his eyes narrowing, and tension fills the space between us. A moment ago, we’d been chatting. Now it’s as if we’re preparing for battle. I can’t have him hung up on me. I can see all the possibilities that lie before him and I refuse to get in the way.

  “It’s not that I don’t think you can decide. But I’m removing myself from the equation. I think you should take this opportunity to go and sow your wild oats.” I smile, trying to lighten the situation, but a cold sense of dread trickles over me as he pulls in a deep breath.

  “You really want rid of me?” The pain laced in his voice makes my chest tight.

  “No, but I want you to go and be a twenty-five-year-old. Go and live your life. Don’t tie yourself to me.”

  “How long?” The question comes out between his gritted teeth.

  “What do you mean?”

  “How long should I go for? What is a suitable length of time for finding myself and sowing my wild oats?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “A month?”

  I sigh. “No, more like a few years.”

  “A few years?” His eyes bug open. “Six months.”

  “This isn’t a negotiation, Alex. I don’t expect…” My voice trails off as the heaviness in my chest deepens.

  “You don’t expect me to come back to you.” He tips up my chin with a solitary finger, his gaze boring into mine. “Do you?”

  I shake my head, desperate to contain the emotion threatening to bubble up inside me.

  “Humour me, Mel. Tell me how long I need to stay away for. I’ll move out, you won’t see me. I’ll go live my life, but if I’m still thinking of you when that deadline hits, I’m coming back to you.”

  Tears well in my eyes. He looks so fucking earnest that hope flutters within me and I allow myself to think about the possibility of him coming back to me. But I know it won’t happen. He’ll get on with his life and forget all about me. “A year,” I whisper.

  He nods. “Okay. But you should know, I’m coming back. Mark the date. I’ll see you in a year.” He moves to touch my cheek and leans over the coffee table, pressing a kiss against my lips to seal his promise. “I’m gonna go. I’ll stay out of your way. And I’ll move out as soon as I can find somewhere.” He stands, looking impossibly tall, while I still sit on the floor, my legs tucked underneath me. “Are you going to be okay?” he asks.

  I nod. It’s safe to say he’s taken my mind off my earlier fear. All I want to do is crawl into my bed, bury myself under the covers, and sleep. I don’t want the pain radiating in my chest or to spill the tears threatening to flood my eyes. I need to retreat.

  “Lock the back door after me,” he calls as his footsteps carry him away from me. The back door closing with a click in the otherwise quiet house is more powerful than if he’d slammed it.

  Chapter thirty

  Alex

  Iwake at midday. My head is pounding, and I want nothing more than to hide under the covers and sleep the rest of the day away. After checking Mel had locked up behind me, I came inside and collapsed on the sofa bed, still fully dressed, and stared up at the ceiling for what seemed like hours. The numbness I felt then was preferable to the pain radiating in my temples and my chest now.

  That’s it. We’re done.

  Last night, when I heard Mel scream, I was so worried. Helping her sort herself out after the power cut had kept me busy. And then she’d looked so lost at the thought of being left alone. Of course I couldn’t leave her.

  Sitting on the floor with her, playing cards and talking had given me hope. Hope that she’d get past this block of being with a younger guy. That she’d let herself be happy. I mentally go over what we’d been talking about. Was it something specific I said that caused her to retreat again? Why is she so determined to set me free? Anger rises again. Why won’t she believe that she’s exactly what I want and I need and that we can figure out the rest as we go?

  I sigh, puffing out a long breath, as I rise from the bed and make my way over to the kitchenette.

  I long for a coffee from Mel’s fancy coffee machine, but it’ll need to be instant today. I need to keep my word and show her I’m serious, that I’m worthy of her love and affection, which means I need to find somewhere else to live. I need to stay away from her. Getting to the end of the day feels impossible right now, never mind a whole fucking year.

  The coffee gives me a half-hearted kick-start and I grab up my phone to start looking online for room listings. I have a missed call from Brenda at the Arts Centre and a text from her:

  Brenda:

  Hi, Alex. Maggie has asked for your contact details. Please confirm I can give her them. Thanks, Brenda.

  Rather than text back, I call Brenda and she happily hands over Maggie’s number so I can call her directly.

  “I guess it’s about the modelling we discussed?” I say once I’ve noted down the number.

  “Yeah, possibly. Although she’s heading away for an Artist in Residence spot, so not sure when she’s planning to fit that in?”

  “Oh. Okay, I’ll give her a call and see what she wants. I’m not due in today, but will catch you in the week.” We say goodbye and I hang up.

  There’s no time like the present. At least the modelling fee would come in handy if I need to pay a deposit on a new place. I add Maggie’s number to my contacts before pressing the call button.

  “Hello, Maggie Sinclair speaking.”

  “Hi, Maggie. It’s Alex Campbell from the pottery studio at the Art Centre. Brenda said you wanted to speak to me?”

  “Hi, Alex. Thanks for calling. I wanted to run an idea past you.”

  “Is it about the modelling? If so, I’m keen.”

  “Oh, I’d forgotten all about that, but perhaps that will be a nice little side quest for my other offer. What are your thoughts on Scotland?”

  “I’ve never been. I’m sure it’s lovely.”

  “Hmmm, and how would you feel about an extended visit?”

  I run my hand through my hair, a frown tugging my brows together. What the fuck is she on about? “Well, I don’t really have the funds for a holiday right now. But hopefully, I’ll get to visit soon.”

  She chuckles down the line. “I’m heading there next week to start a six-month Artist in Residence placement in Glasgow. I’ve secured funding for an apprentice potter to join me. What do you say?”

  “Err, what?” I’m shocked. This is the last thing I expected when I called her. I was convinced I’d be getting my kit off and getting some money for letting people sculpt me.

  “I know it’s not much notice, but I only just found out that the position is confirmed. I was so impressed with your work when I met you and I spoke to Brenda, who gave you a glowing recommendation. I’d love to consider you for the position.”

  “Wow, I don’t know what to say. This is completely out of the blue.”

  “Let me talk you through the setup and what’s expected, and then you can have some time to think about it. You won’t have to be there next week.” I listen carefully, eyes wide as Maggie explains everything.

  I’m in a complete daze after finishing up the call with Maggie. We left it that I’d take the next day or so to think about her offer and then touch base so she knows if she needs to start looking for someone more local if I don’t accept.

  I’m due at the bar for a shift later, so I shoot a text to Tom and Abby asking if I can speak to them if I go in a bit earlier. It’s crazy how quickly they’ve both become friends and people I go to for advice.

  I blow out a sigh, running my hand through my already wild hair from all the times I’ve done this exact same thing. I need to get to the bar. Hopefully, talking this through with someone else will help.

  When I hung up, the first thing I wanted to do was go and find Mel and explain the craziness of it all, but I can’t do that. It crossed my mind as I was listening to Maggie that this could be exactly what I need. The housing and living expenses are covered. I’d have studio time for my own work and would only be required for apprentice duties for part-time hours. It would mean I could get a part-time job on the side for some income. It’s like all my prayers have been answered. Except for that one that’s tugging on my heart. Mel.

  I shake that thought from my brain and head out on my bike to the bar.

  When I pull up, Tom and Abby are standing by the back door chatting. It’s hard to miss Abby’s appreciative stare as I climb off the bike and remove my helmet. I raise a brow in her direction and she grimaces.

  “Sorry, Alex, it’s just that Mel’s got me reading smut with a motorcycle-riding male character. It’s changing my brain chemistry, I swear.” She grimaces as I chuckle. My ego wonders if Mel read it after meeting me, but I do my best to stuff that smugness back down. I need to focus here.

  Tom shakes his head with a tut, resulting in Abby punching his bicep. He frowns while he rubs the spot where she hit him.

  “Err, you can quit that disapproval right this second boss, given what your girlfriend writes. Don’t tell me you don’t read it too. Cass told me.” She pokes her tongue out at Tom cheekily.

  He throws her one more sideways glance before looking across at me. “You wanted to talk?”

  “Err, yeah. I’d appreciate your advice on an opportunity that’s come up.” I pause, realising how daft it is to be speaking with these guys about it. They literally just offered me a permanent position and now I’m here wanting their thoughts on my packing up and leaving. What the fuck am I thinking?

  “Is this in the capacity of being your boss and colleague, or as friends?” Abby asks with a hint of curiosity.

  “Friends. If that’s okay. My… err… life has been all over the place lately. I could really use some friendly ears, but I don’t want to overstep.” I take a step backwards. “Fuck, sorry, I shouldn’t be speaking to you about this.”

  Abby closes the space between us, placing her hand on my arm, giving it a gentle squeeze. “We’re friends, Alex. I’ll be insulted if you backpedal now. Tell us what’s going on. If we can, we’ll help.” She looks across to Tom, who gives a nod of agreement.

  “This is off the work record if it needs to be Alex,” he confirms in his low tone.

  I take a moment to gather my thoughts. “I made an agreement with Mel to go and sow my wild oats and have some freedom.” I pause as a gasp escapes through Abby’s lips, her hand covering her mouth. “If I’m still hung up on her in a year, we can try again.” I close my eyes, absorbing the tightness in my chest. Every time I think about it, it hurts. “And then I got this offer completely out of the blue. It’s an apprentice role to a potter for an artist in residence placement. It would be an amazing experience. Not only to assist her, but to show my own work alongside hers.” Excitement bubbles in my veins as I say the words. “But, it’s in Glasgow.” I pause, looking between them. Whatever look I see on their faces is encouraging. “She said there’s the opportunity for it to be extended or possibly go on somewhere else afterwards. The initial contract would be for six months.”

  “It sounds like an incredible opportunity,” Tom says.

  “It is. And I’d be on my way there like a shot if this had come up before Mel, but now…” I trail off.

  “If you’ve agreed to take a break anyway, it could be good to get a change of scenery,” Abby chimes in, her lips tilt in a sympathetic smile. “And I’ve always wanted to go to Glasgow. I’ll come and visit you.”

  “Yeah, I don’t know why I didn’t say yes. It’s all happening at once and I don’t have a fucking clue what’s the right thing to do.” I lift my chin, staring up at the sky, hoping for the answer to fall from it.

  “What does your gut say?” Tom asks quietly.

  “My gut feels completely battered right now. I really thought this thing with Mel would work out. I know this opportunity will be great for my creative work. And I guess it will give me the space from Mel. It solves my housing problem. I don’t know why I’m hesitating.”

  Abby takes me unawares, reaching up on her tiptoes to smother me with a tight hug. “You have been on a rollercoaster, Alex. It’s no wonder you’re uncertain. But this sounds amazing. Why don’t you work today, sleep on it, and see how you feel tomorrow? I’m happy to meet you for a coffee in the morning if you want to talk again?”

  “Yeah, I think that’s worth a shot. Thank you, both of you.”

  “Well, if we might not have you much longer, I may as well get you doing all the crappy jobs today. That alright with you, boss?” Abby checks with Tom, who smirks.