“Sure, Abby.”

  Oh great, well, at least if they keep me busy, I won’t be in my head about it all.

  Fuck, I’m really doing this, I guess, I think to myself a week later.

  There’s a crowd outside my mum’s house where I stayed last night. I peer out of the kitchen window to see them all standing around, chattering. There’s Maggie with her car and a moving van and its driver behind her with a small collection of my belongings and pottery equipment now added. Tom and Cassidy are there with Jack, who’s now back from his stint in New York. Abby is standing near Cassidy and the guys, talking to Laura.

  They’ve all been so supportive about this. Helping me get all my shit together to head up to Scotland today. I decided there was no point dragging it out. Not when everything was arranged.

  I’ve not seen Mel. Zack came over and collected my key when it was time to leave. He’s staying with Mel for a couple of days, which I took to be a positive sign. He wished me well and when I offered him to come up and visit, he didn’t immediately refuse, so perhaps I will see him. But perhaps it would be better if not. I’m not convinced I’d be able to hold back from asking about Mel, and I don’t think that would go down well.

  Footsteps sound behind me, and I turn from the window to see my mum approaching.

  “Hey,” I say as she steps close and draws me in for a hug. There’s a sniffing sound, and I lean my head back to see tears welling in her eyes. And here I thought she’d be pleased to see the back of me. “What’s wrong?” I ask.

  “I’m proud of you, Alex. I know I don’t say it enough. I know I’ve let things… well, people… get in the way of our relationship. I’m sorry for that, but I can’t let you walk away now and not know how proud of you I am.”

  Woah, what the fuck? “Thanks, Mum.” I give her an awkward pat, with no idea how to deal with this situation. “Where’s Doug?” I ask.

  “Oh, he had that important work thing he couldn’t get out of.” Her gaze skitters away. Yeah, right. He just doesn’t like it when he’s not the centre of attention. Not that I’d want him here anyway. “I know you two haven’t always got on, and I know it probably seems like I always take his side, but I do love you, Alex.” She reaches up to press a kiss to my cheek.

  I’m not sure this is the best time to have it all out with her. But she’s trying. “Maybe you can come up with Laura and visit me?” I suggest.

  “That sounds good. Perhaps when Doug goes on his fishing trip, I could come up then.” She gives me a hopeful smile. It’s hard to hold back the sigh. Why does she stay with him? She shouldn’t have to pussyfoot around him when it comes to her kids.

  “I’d like that. Let me know if you can swing it.”

  She pulls me in for another tight hug before stepping back. There’s a sound at the doorway and I look over to my sister waiting there. Her eyes widened in surprise. How much did she hear?

  “Hey, just checking what was keeping you.” She comes over and grabs me in a headlock. She’s surprisingly strong, given she’s smaller than me. “I didn’t know we were getting all emotional in the kitchen and trying to fix all our family problems.” I catch her giving Mum the side eye.

  “Leave it,” I murmur under my breath as I wrestle myself out from the headlock and gather her into my arms for a hug. “You’re gonna come visit next month, yeah?” I ask to distract her.

  “Yep. I was chatting with Abby and she’s keen too, so we might come up together.”

  “Sounds good.” I draw in a deep breath. “Right, time to head off, I guess.” We’re not travelling in convoy but it makes sense to leave with Maggie. I’ve already planned a route taking me along some of the best roads for biking.

  I make my way outside with Laura and my mum following close behind. Maggie heads over straight away. “Alex, we’re going to get going. Call if you need anything. Otherwise, you’ve got the address for where we’re staying, yes? I’ll see you there tonight?”

  “Sure thing. Thanks, Maggie.” She gives me a smile before climbing into her vehicle and her and the van drive away.

  “Right, let’s not draw this out,” I say as I take in the crowd, waiting for me to leave. “It’s not like I’m moving to Australia. It’s Scotland, for fuck’s sake. You can come visit if you want.” Jack and Tom chuckle as Cassidy gives me a warm hug, followed by Abby.

  Before I can climb on the bike, Laura draws me in for another hug and then I’m putting my helmet on, checking my backpack straps, and getting on the bike. I look around at them all, trying to ignore the squeeze in my chest at the obvious absence of one woman in particular. I give a nod, pull down my visor, and start the bike.

  Chapter thirty-one

  Mel

  Iopen up the Instagram app to check some details for a Bookstagram event I’m planning. And there he is. Alex. It’s been a month since he left and I still can’t look away.

  It’s a video of him throwing on the pottery wheel and I’m entranced as he works with the clay to create something beautiful. It’s torture. The algorithm seems to have dialled into my yearning and he’s usually the first thing I see every time I open this damn app. I’ve been so close to unfollowing him, but I can’t do it. I want to see his success. I need to know that I did the right thing because it’s been pretty shit since he left.

  He regularly posts videos like the ones I’m watching now and it would be hard to miss the comments that pop up about how attractive he is. It’s even harder to rein in the jealousy when I see them but, at least he doesn’t seem to interact with them.

  I continue to stare at the screen as he centres the clay on the wheel before commanding it to his will. He brings it up to shape a vase and I’m hypnotised, watching his hands. I jolt when he looks up, making direct eye contact with the camera. Fuck. It’s like he’s staring into my soul.

  I’m weirdly proud of him leaning into the adoration of followers, driving us all wild with the eye contact and the sleeves rolled up. He smirks down the lens and a shiver rolls along my spine as I remember a similar smirk when he was positioned between my legs and had just given me the hardest orgasm of my life.

  I miss him.

  So damn much.

  There’s been no contact on either side.

  I’m fed up at work which hasn’t helped my mood. I feel stuck, being micro-managed and not getting to call the shots. I’ve proven myself time and again and yet there’s no progression or encouragement from the people above me. It’s looking likely that I haven’t been successful with the promotion and that sucks.

  I’ve been helping Cassidy out with some of her marketing on the side and I’m grateful for the side hustle because it brings some fun and satisfaction to my weeks.

  Things seem to be better with Zack at least. He’s stayed over a couple of nights but is still at his father’s place most of the time. I’m so grateful for my friendship with Cassidy and Abby. Our little book club is the highlight of my week. We started out monthly, and now it’s a regular Wednesday night at the bar. We often talk about books but there’s a lot of life stuff in there too. Laura, Alex’s sister, is going to join us, too. In fact, I’m due to meet the girls tonight and I realise I’d better get ready.

  I walk into The Thirst Trap to the sound of laughter. Cassidy and Jack are sitting up at the bar while Abby and Tom stand behind it. They are all chatting away with big grins on their faces. I take a moment to stand tall and plaster a fake smile on my face. I don’t want to bring them down. Hopefully, tonight’s catch up is exactly what I need. I head their way and Abby catches sight of me first.

  “Hey, Mel, how are you doing?” She steps out from behind the bar and pulls me into a hug. The more I get to know her, the more touchy-feely she gets.

  “I’m good, thanks. How about you?” I deflect. The last thing I want to do is tell them the truth and fall back into the pit of self pity. Actually guys, I’m terrible. I’m not sleeping well. I can’t stop thinking about him and every time I open up my damn phone, he’s right there trying to seduce me with his magic pottery hands.

  “Come and grab a seat.” Jack points to the bar stool next to him. Cassidy leans round him and pats my arm as I take a seat. “What are you drinking?” Jack asks.

  I bite my lip, looking across at the array of drinks on the back wall of the bar. “I dunno, but I got a taxi, so alcohol is good. Surprise me.”

  “Cocktail?” he asks.

  “Yes, please.”

  “Ooh, me too,” Cassidy chimes in. “Something strong and fruity.”

  I’m grateful for the chatter between the rest of them as Tom makes the drinks.

  “Ah, there she is, my new bestie.” Abby’s shout gives me a jolt. I look over to the door to see Laura, Alex’s sister, come in and towards us. Her eyes skim over us all and stop on me. I pull in a breath and release it when she gives me a gentle smile.

  “Hey guys, how are you doing?” She stands next to me.

  “We’re good. Now you’re here, we can hear all about your girl's trip to Glasgow. Abby refused to spill the beans before you arrived,” Cassidy says. I have to hold in my sigh. I’m not sure I’m ready for this.

  “Ah, yeah, it was good.” Laura’s gaze meets mine. “Do you really want to hear about it?” she whispers so the others can’t hear.

  Tom places my cocktail in front of me, and I take a big gulp of it before nodding. “I want to know how he’s doing,” I tell her with a wistful smile. It might be hard to hear but I genuinely do care about how he’s getting on.

  The girls bounce off each other as they tell tales of their Scottish escapades, including a drunken night at the pub Alex is working at. Tom reached out to his contacts and gave him a recommendation for a mate’s bar. I chortle when Laura describes a burly Scotsman trying to coddle Abby, not realising that she’s a fierce little pixie and isn’t scared of anyone. It’s like they’ve been friends for years as they tell story after story.

  “And Mel, you should see the workshop Alex is working in. He’s in his absolute element, playing with clay every day.”

  “That’s great. How’s he doing with the assistant role?” I ask, looking between Abby and Laura.

  “He’s enjoying it for the most part,” Abby says, then pauses.

  “What is it?” I try to work out what they’re not saying.

  “We were ribbing him because it seems like Maggie has a thing for him. She was totally flirting when we were there, but he denied it and said she’s like that with everyone.”

  It makes sense. They’re closer in age and would be better suited, but the sting of jealousy still snaps within me.

  “And she’s running some elite workshop for sculptors and Alex has agreed to take his kit off for it and pose nude.” Abby’s eyes widen as it all spills from her lips.

  “Oh, wow!” is all I can say.

  “It’s mental. It’s like an art retreat and people are paying a grand to sculpt my naked brother.” Laura explains with an incredulous look on her face. Her eyes are wide and she winces when she says the word naked. “I really hope I don’t have to see any of the art they produce.”

  I can’t hold back my chuckle. “I’m glad he’s doing well and enjoying himself.”

  “He misses you, Mel,” Laura says quietly when the others start talking about the amazing food the girls ate in Glasgow. I close my eyes and take another big gulp of my cocktail. When I open them, she’s staring right at me. “Do you miss him?” she asks.

  “I do. But he needed to do this, Laura. I don’t want to hold him back. This is doing wonders for his career and he doesn’t want to be stuck with an older woman.”

  “He definitely doesn’t agree with that last part. I spoke to him and I think he’d do anything to get you back. But I agree that it’s good for him to be doing this. Just don’t lose hope, Mel. I think he’s going to be coming back for you.” She squeezes my hand where it rests on the bar.

  “But why…” I trail off, unsure how to word the question I want to ask her.

  “Why do I care?” she replies, raising a brow in the exact same way her brother does. It’s uncanny.

  “Well, yeah. Surely he’s better off without me.”

  “Mel, you make him happy and he deserves to be happy.”

  “I hope that by the end of this he’ll have a better handle on what makes him happy and I don’t think it’ll be me,” I say. “And I’m not saying that with self pity. He deserves the best,” I tell her.

  “We’ll see,” she says with a frown. And then we both get drawn into the conversation with the others about the best meals they’ve ever eaten.

  Chapter thirty-two

  Mel

  “Are you sure about this?” Cassidy asks as we approach the entrance to Laura’s tattoo studio. I draw in a deep breath, blowing it out slowly.

  “Yes, I want to do this. I need to do it,” I tell her with determination.

  “Okay, then let’s do it.” She gestures for me to lead the way, and I open the door.

  The walls are covered with art prints as well as tattoo designs. It would take me hours to take in every detail. There’s a hum from the tattoo guns and several couches placed around the room.

  “Mel, Cassidy, hey,” Laura greets us from behind the reception desk with a smile. “It’s good to see you.”

  “Hey, Laura,” I respond. “I made it.”

  I’ve been intrigued by tattoos for years, but something always held me back from getting one. The weight of other people's judgement, I guess. Well, fuck that. Since my time with Alex, I’m trying so hard not to let it matter. To do things because I want to do them and not because I think it’s what’s expected of me.

  “Nervous?” Laura asks, tilting her head.

  “A little. I’m not big on pain. But I don’t want to let that stop me doing this. I’m so pleased with the design you’ve come up with.”

  “And I’m dying to see it,” Cassidy chimes in. “You’ve been very secretive about the whole thing,” she says teasingly.

  “I was worried I wouldn’t go through with it, but there’s no going back now,” I declare. My eyes meet Laura’s gaze. “You will be gentle with me, won’t you?”

  She chuckles. “Of course. Alex would kill me if I wasn’t.”

  I wondered when he would come up in conversation. I could have gone anywhere to get this tattoo, but I’ve been following Laura on Instagram and have fallen in love with her fine line style of tattoos. It just seems right that she’s the one I come to.

  “Does he know?” I ask, not mad, just intrigued.

  Laura shakes her head. “No, I felt like it was breaking a confidence. I’ll tell him later if you’re happy for me to?”

  “Maybe,” I answer noncommittally. What good could come from him knowing I got a tattoo? He’s got his own stuff he’s doing now. But I pause for a moment, realising that he’d probably be proud of me.

  “Let’s get you comfortable. Come on over.” Cassidy sits on the chair to the side while I settle on the vinyl recliner.

  “I’ve got the design ready in a couple of different sizes like we discussed. Ready to see them?” Laura asks.

  I nod, excitement bubbling up in my chest.

  She pulls out some papers from the set of drawers beside her and holds them out to me. I’ve seen the drafted design on my phone screen, but this is different. A gasp escapes me and the tears that well in my eyes surprise me as I look over the design.

  “It’s beautiful. Just what I wanted.” I give Laura a teary smile.

  “I’m so glad. And you’re happy with the wording?”

  I trace my finger over the words that read ‘I live my own story’ just under the pile of books surrounded with flowers and a butterfly perched on the top. It’s a stunning design.

  “Yes, that’s the words I want.”

  “Oh wow, it’s stunning, Mel. It’s so perfect for you,” Cassidy gushes as she looks over the design.

  “Okay, so placement… you want it on your arm?” Laura asks.

  “Yes, where I can see it every day.” I point to my left bicep. “Here, I think.”

  “Okay, what are you thinking about size? I know when you first reached out, you wanted something small, but then the design kind of grew from there. Is this too big?” She points to the middle sized version of the design.

  “No, I like it. You’re right, it’s bigger than I’d first planned, but I want to be able to see all the amazing detail. How long will it take?” I ask.

  “A couple of hours, I think. Sound okay?” I nod. “Let me get this onto the transfer paper and we can get the placement just right before I start.”

  Ten minutes later, I’m grasping Cassidy’s hand as Laura’s prepping the tattoo gun to start.

  “Take a breath and blow it out slowly,” she tells me. Our gazes meet and there’s a similarity between the siblings that means it could almost be Alex here, talking me through this. “Stay still for me, okay?”

  “I will,” I vow. I’m not brave enough to watch, so turn my head to look at Cassidy instead. I wince as there’s a sharp scratch as the gun makes first contact. I gulp, trying to get used to the feeling. I realise I’m holding my breath and release it slowly. As I relax, the sensation dulls from a sharper pain to something more tolerable.

  The time passes quickly with Cassidy chatting away with Laura. I join in every now and again, but I’m mostly happy to let the conversation roll over my head.

  My courage grows with the ink on my arm and in the end, I can’t not watch as Laura permanently adds the bookish design to my skin. She’s adding shading which has a more tickly sensation than the lines when Cassidy says my name.

  “Sorry, what?” I ask her with an apologetic look.

  “Did you decide what to do about your job?”

  “I’m going to resign. I thought about asking for part-time, but I think the new work I want to do is too similar and they wouldn’t want me doing both.” I’m now familiar with the nerves fluttering in my stomach each time I think about handing in my notice.