“And I stayed in the motor coach with headphones on, waiting for Mike or someone to knock on the door the way my father’s crew chief had come to tell my mother my father wouldn’t be coming home,” she whispered.

  “Caitlin, I can’t promise it won’t happen to me or that I’ll always come home. Accidents happen. Fatalities are rare now, but they have happened in the past. I can’t promise what I can’t control.”

  “Neither can I,” she told him.

  “Caitlin—” He stopped abruptly. He’d almost told her he loved her, but wondered if that would help her or put more pressure on her. There was one thing he could say. “I want you and Joshua in my life. I miss seeing his eyes light up when he sees me, miss him trying to imitate me. I miss having you in my bed, miss our talks.”

  “Cameron, I just don’t know.”

  “I do. Watch the tapes. The race, if you can.” He moved to sit on the arm of the easy chair. “And look for me early the morning after the race.”

  “But the track is in Virginia. You’ll be across the country.”

  “That’s what they have jets for. I want to see you and Joshua.” He frowned. “Unless you don’t want to see me.”

  “Stay safe, and I’ll be waiting.”

  “I’ll be there. ’Night, Caitlin.”

  “ ’Night, Cameron.”

  Cameron shut off the cordless and dropped it into the base. Picking up the control to the DVD player, he activated the tape of his last year’s race at the Martinsville Speedway. He’d come in third after a fifth-place start. The bumpy track of concrete and asphalt had taken out a lot of drivers since it was built in 1947. Come Sunday, to save his family, Cameron didn’t plan on being one of them.

  Saturday morning, Caitlin carried the special delivery package into the house as if it contained explosives. In a way it did, she thought, as she placed the padded envelope on top of the television in her bedroom. Viewing the tapes might easily make matters worse instead of better.

  If she let it. Cameron said she was strong. He knew she wasn’t, and was patient with her anyway. She’d thought it was for Joshua’s sake, but lately she had begun to think differently. Cameron had been her only lover, but her instincts told her that the loving way he cherished her body conveyed his deep feelings for her.

  He cared, just as she did. They had both been cautiously feeling their way to becoming a family when Joshua had seen the film. If she wanted them to be a family—and she did—it was up to her to see that it happened.

  “Mommy!” Joshua cried as he ran into the room with Stephen behind him. “Stephen’s mother just dropped him off. We can all go to the movie now.”

  “And then get pizza afterward,” Stephen added.

  Caitlin smiled down at the two anxious boys. Each day Joshua was more like his old self, which was bittersweet because he never responded when Caitlin mentioned his father. It was as if Cameron had been wiped from his mind, his heart. Her smile slid away.

  “You all right, Mommy?”

  “Yes, sweetheart.” She turned away to get her handbag from the top of the dresser. Dr. Grayson was right about Joshua’s taking his moods from her. She slung the wide strap over her shoulder. “Who’s ready to go to the movies?”

  “Me!”

  “Me!”

  “Well, let’s go.” The boys took off running. Caitlin didn’t even try to stop them. With one last look at the sealed envelope, she left the room.

  Cameron had picked the wrong race for Caitlin to watch to overcome her fear. Six yellow flags and two red came out. When the race was over there were twenty-seven bumped and banged cars on the track.

  Thankfully number 23 was sixth. He hadn’t pulled off the win, but it was enough to get him the jet, dangled in front of him by Hope if he finished in the top ten. The lady knew how to bargain.

  He just wished he knew how she kept pulling it off. Hilliard didn’t coddle his drivers. At forty-nine, divorced, and tough as an old boot, he wasn’t ruled by emotions. He’d caved for Blade Navarone as one successful businessman for another; Cameron was sure Hilliard didn’t want to cross a man who wielded that much power and influence.

  As soon as the car that met him at the airport stopped in front of Caitlin’s house, Cameron opened his door. Caitlin met him halfway, throwing her arms around his neck, holding him tightly. The temperature was in the low eighties and she was shivering.

  Since it was two in the morning, he didn’t think any neighbors would be up and watching. Picking her up, he carried her inside, then set her on her feet.

  She caught his hand. “I know you want to see Joshua.”

  He did, but it had felt good holding her, breathing in her sweet fragrance after hours of smelling gas fumes and rubber.

  Opening the door to their son’s room, she stepped aside. “He spent the day away from me and did fine.”

  Cameron went to Joshua’s bedside and stared down at the sleeping child. Bending, he kissed the air just above his soft cheek. “I love you,” he whispered. Turning away, he caught Caitlin’s hand and went into her bedroom. Once inside, he pulled her flush against him.

  “I’m here, and I’m safe.”

  “Then take me to bed and prove it.”

  “My pleasure.” His mouth took hers, and he lost himself in their kiss. He loved this woman more than he thought possible. The thought of losing her again, losing Joshua, tied his gut in knots. They tumbled into bed and, for a little while, he could lose himself and forget.

  “You ready?”

  “No, but turn it on anyway,” Caitlin said. The TV screen filled with cars racing around the famous Daytona International Speedway. Caitlin pressed back against Cameron, who was behind her on the bed. There was no sound for fear of waking Joshua.

  “Racing takes skill, timing, and a bit of Lady Luck now and then,” Cameron whispered, his warm breath sending shivers racing though her. “For up to four hours the car becomes your entire world. Wearing the headphones inside your helmet, you’re not even aware of the noise of the crowd, but you can see them in the Indy race because of the almost ninety-degree turn. You pit your skills against the track and the other drivers.”

  “I know that.” She had read extensively about the tracks in the NASCAR circuit. She had wanted to know what he was up against. The Daytona Speedway was probably the most famous and where NASCAR racing had begun.

  He leaned over to peer into her face. “Are your eyes open?”

  “One of them.”

  “Try two.”

  She looked back over her shoulder to glare at him. He kissed her pouting lips.

  “Now, back to the race. It’s an adrenaline high.” His cheek rested against hers, his bare chest against her back. “The only thing I can compare it to is when we’re making love. I feel powerful, invincible.”

  She shivered. “It’s incredible.”

  He instinctively understood she meant their love-making. “Do you remember the first time?” He pulled her earlobe into his mouth, bit gently.

  “Y-yes.” It was difficult to concentrate with his playful teasing. This was the carefree Cameron she remembered so well. “We met in San Francisco and stayed at the St. Regis Hotel. You filled the room with flowers.”

  “You wore a pink sundress with little white flowers. My hands were trembling so badly I could hardly get the buttons through the loops.”

  She looked back at him, knowing she was asking to be kissed again. “You remember that?”

  His thumb grazed her lower lip. “I’ve never forgotten anything about you.”

  Her eyes closed tightly. “I’ve caused you so much pain.”

  “And countless moments of pleasure.” His lips pressed against hers, his tongue lazily swirled inside her mouth. Slowly he lifted his head, waiting until she opened her eyes.

  “Drafting.”

  “What?” Gently he turned her head toward the cars on the track.

  “Single file. The cars can go faster, but it has to be an unspoken effort. If one car pulls out, it can slow the other car down.”

  Caitlin watched the cars circle the track. She knew she was concentrating more on the warm muscle hardness behind her than the race. The heat and temptation of his body negated the long white gown she wore. Cameron had a sheet across his lap, but nothing underneath. Her mind kept wandering to what was beneath that sheet.

  Perhaps because Cameron was there and safe, the race didn’t disturb her as much. Perhaps because she knew he had emerged safe and victorious that day.

  “Are you paying attention?”

  “Drafting,” she repeated as Cameron’s face came on the screen. Looking gorgeous, he held his helmet casually in the crook of his right arm.

  “Hi, Caitlin, we’re going for a little ride,” the TV Cameron said.

  “What?” She tried to look back over his shoulder, but he turned her head toward the TV screen.

  “First, we’re going to look at twenty-three and how I get ready for the race.” His hand swept down the front of his racing jumpsuit. “You already know that it’s NASCAR regulation that my suit, the gloves, and shoes are fire-resistant. The year after you left, NASCAR mandated more stringent head and neck restraints. My helmet is specially made for me. After the little incident at the California Speedway, the helmet was sent to the manufacturer to be X-rayed to make sure it wasn’t damaged.”

  “Was it?” she asked.

  He kissed her. “Nope. Now turn around.”

  Caitlin turned around, wrapping her hands around his arms that circled her waist. He might take the accident calmly, but she didn’t.

  “When I’m inside the car, I’m essentially in a secure steel frame that is reinforced to further protect me during an impact. Officials inspect the car to make sure the roll bars are steel and not a lighter material that would make the car faster, but the driver less safe.” He grinned. “And before you ask, Hilliard wants to win, but he doesn’t cut corners. He’s hard at times, but fair.”

  There was a snorting sound in the background. Cameron’s grin widened.

  “Who was that?” she asked, this time knowing not to look back.

  “Hope,” he answered from behind her. “I can’t figure out what is going on between her and Hilliard. Russ might not even get in the race.”

  “The rookie? What race?”

  “Doesn’t matter. Listen, you missed me telling you about the roof flaps that keep the car from becoming airborne.”

  Caitlin went back to watching Cameron on the TV.

  Tossing the helmet inside, Cameron holstered himself into the car, fastened his seat belt, and gave it a pull. “Seat belts are five adjoining belts that come over my shoulders and between my legs, and meet at a point around my waist. I’m putting the window net in place. That’s what kept my head and arms inside after the accident.”

  She pushed back against him, holding him. Thinking about it still made her stomach feel jittery. She understood too well how it must have frightened Joshua. She had looked away when it was shown on TV. At the time Joshua hadn’t been paying attention to the news, he was in too much discomfort with his arm.

  Cameron spoke to her from the TV screen. “There’s a camera mounted on the dash so you’ll be able to see what I see, and one on the right door, so you’ll be able to see me on a split screen.” He put on his helmet.

  “I want you to feel the excitement of the race. I want you to see why I love racing so much.” The engine roared to life. “All right, Caitlin, let’s go for a drive.”

  Caitlin saw the intensity, the pleasure in Cameron’s face, recalled how he had told her the only thing that compared to it was when they made love. She’d watched him race a few times for brief periods, but there had been no camera to show his face, his emotions.

  Racing was as much a part of him as his smile. Without it, he’d be only half alive. Racing was his world, but it was a world that Joshua wanted no part of. Until he did, there was no place in it for Caitlin, either.

  Chapter 18

  “Well?” Cameron asked as the film ended. When Caitlin didn’t answer, he turned her face toward his. Misery stared back at him. His chest felt as if there were a tight band around it. “Caitlin?”

  “I appreciate all the trouble you went though, but it just shows all the horrible things that can and have happened to drivers,” she said.

  For the first time, his anger flared. “That’s all you wanted to see.”

  “Cameron, you’re in a dangerous profession,” she said.

  “Can’t you get past that?” he asked. Then without waiting for an answer he continued. “So are a lot of other jobs. I’ve tried to understand you, but I’m beginning to wonder if you’re even trying to see my side.”

  She gasped, stood. “How can you say that? My father—”

  “Died racing.” He came to his feet as well. “I know that and can’t begin to imagine how painful that must have been for you, but you refuse to move on. To consider the low ratio of drivers hurt to the number of cars racing, the safety measures that have been taken, the ones that will go into effect next year.”

  “If you’re the one injured, statistics don’t matter,” she shot back.

  Cameron stared at Caitlin; she stared back. “You won’t even try. How can you expect Joshua to be any different?”

  She sucked in a breath. “That’s not fair. This isn’t the way I’ve chosen to be.”

  “I’m not so sure.”

  Her head snapped back as if he’d hit her. “What do you mean?”

  “It’s easier for you to be frightened than face your fears. Until you do, you’re condemning all of us to live apart.” Afraid of what more he might say, he looked around for his pants. “I should be going.”

  “I thought you were staying the night.”

  After snapping his jeans closed, he shoved his arm through his shirt. “I have an interview at twelve.”

  Caitlin wrapped her arms around her waist. “Would you have stayed longer if we hadn’t gotten into an argument?”

  Picking up his shoes, he sat on the bed. “I planned to be gone before Joshua woke up. I’m not sure I can take him acting as if I don’t exist again.”

  “Cameron.” Kneeling, she hugged him to her. “He loves you.”

  “You said you loved me once, and you still left me at the altar.”

  She flinched, then slowly stood. “I can understand your anger, but not your cruelty.”

  He came to his feet, taking her chin in his hand. His eyes ignited. “How cruel was it to leave me at the church full of friends and family waiting like a fool for the woman I loved and was going to pledge my love to for the rest of my life? I kept the guests waiting for over an hour until Faith asked the on-duty manager at Casa de la Serenidad to check your room.” He dropped his hand. “The unlucky man personally delivered your note to me.”

  “It would have killed me to see you get hurt.”

  “It almost killed me when you left.” Stepping around her, he ignored her strangled cry of pain. He stopped at the door. “If you want to change, to give us a chance to be a family, you know where to find me.” He walked though the bedroom door. This time he didn’t stop.

  Eyes closed, Caitlin sagged onto the bed as she heard the front door close. Cameron was gone, and this time he wasn’t coming back. Misery welled inside her. She couldn’t even cry. Joshua would see her red eyes and know. Instead, she crawled to the head of the bed to get under the covers, pulling the sheets and light blanket up to her chin.

  She was cold. With Cameron gone, she wasn’t sure if she’d ever feel completely warm again. Through the ordeal with Joshua, she’d thought they’d grown closer. He’d just proven her wrong. Worse, he blamed her. That hurt the most.

  She huddled beneath the covers, her knees drawn upward toward her chin. Her fear wasn’t something she could turn off and on like a switch. She’d lived with it since she was a little gi—

  She stilled, tilting her head to one side, straining to hear. She thought she heard a sound. Lifting up on one elbow, she stared at the baby monitor speaker. Joshua hadn’t had any problems sleeping for the past few nights.

  Throwing back the covers, she went across the hall to check. Joshua slept peacefully, the covers up to his neck. She turned to go, then stopped, and went back to his bed. Outwardly he might appear not to have a care, but that wasn’t so. Even though he acted as if his father didn’t exist and tried to push him from his mind, there had to be times when he wasn’t successful.

  She knew because she had done the same thing for five years. On some days she was more successful than others. The difference was that she had willingly turned her back on Cameron and his love.

  “It almost killed me when you left.”

  She went to her room and back to bed. Cameron’s words kept returning to her. Perhaps it was fitting, because this time his leaving was the most difficult thing she had ever had to endure.

  “It didn’t work.”

  “Good morning to you, too,” Hope said as she greeted Cameron at her front door.

  Although it was barely eight in the morning and he hadn’t called to tell her he was coming over, he wasn’t ready for her sarcasm. He was in a foul mood.

  “Come on in.” She stepped aside. “I’ll make coffee.”

  He shook his head as he stepped onto the tiled floor in the small entryway of her house down the street from her father’s. “No, thanks. I already had a cup.”

  “Breakfast?”

  “Not hungry.” He stuck his hands in the pockets of his jeans, feeling restless and on edge.

  “I am. Let’s go into the kitchen.” Taking his arm, she went through the family room and into the small but ultramodern kitchen in yellow and white. Releasing him, she waved him to a seat at the island with bar stools. “You want anything to drink?”

  “I want my family back.”

  Leaning against the counter near him, she folded her arms. “You want to talk about it?”