He shrugged.

  Garon broke it. “Models get that thing where they get bonuses or something from wearing clothes, right?”

  “I think so. Don’t know much about them,” Beryl said, eyes unblinking on the teddy bear. She’d poked a molehill and been blindsided by a mountain.

  “Well then, give him his clothes back,” Garon said. “We need every edge we can get right now.”

  “But they’re made of my-” Celia broke off.

  “What?”

  “My… I mean…”

  “You can get new crotchrags,” Beryl told her. “Sew his gear back on him.”

  Blushing, Celia did so. Then they piled into the catapult.

  “Necromancer,” Celia said, staring down at the bear, clutched tight in her arms. “So you can cast spells too, now?”

  Threadbare shook his head and tapped his mouth.

  “Right. We’ll do something about that.” Visions of teddy-bear led zombie apocalypses filled her mind. “After I talk with Daddy. Most definitely after that. This is… yeah, I think something’s gone off the rails here.”

  “Yeah,” Garon said, unslinging his battle-axe, and gripping the side of the racket. “Us.”

  And he cut the rope holding the arm in place.

  “You could have just thrown the levvEEERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!” Beryl screeched, as the party went flying.

  WHUMP! The tarp against the cave entrance on the opposite cliff gave way, billowing inward, as they fell into a pile of thousands of balls of yarn. The tarp flapped, loose, as the youths sorted themselves out.

  Celia cast Animus Blade, and sent the magical dagger whirling around her, dancing with grace far beyond her normal blades. Then she checked her static rod, and took a deep breath. “Ready.”

  Garon pulled out the Cataphract shield he’d earned from the last fight, and hefted his well-used battle axe. “I’m good.”

  Bak’Shaz waved his slingshot and shrugged. But he was wearing the Lion Mane he’d snagged from the Lion Eyes boss earlier in the day.

  And Jarrik nocked an arrow, and shared one last kiss with Beryl.

  “Right,” Beryl said, smacking her lips and clearing away the last remnants of her black lipstick, “Let’s go get this fucker.”

  A flight of stairs later, they came to the Master’s Chamber.

  Tall, vaulted ceilings filled a Cathedral like-hall, complete with an altar up front, covered with well-thumbed copies of “Cat Fancier”. Balls of yarn were strung across and around the candle-sconces, hanging between the pillars and draping down, ends blowing in the draft from the high windows. It had the reek of a thousand thousand litterboxes, and as the group stood coughing, Threadbare took the bump up to his Scents and Sensibility level, and shut his nose off as fast as it could go. To either side of the altar stood large chests, overflowing with coins.

  “Hoomins!” A voice boomed from above. “Ceiling Cat is watching you!”

  A blur of white above, that shifted away as a door slammed open, next to the altar. Greenish eyes glared out. “And Basement Cat will swallow your souls!” Came a hiss that would have put Pulsivar to shame.

  “Oh sweet Aeterna,” Beryl gasped. “A two part boss!”

  “Um, excuse me?” Celia raised her hand.

  “What?” The white blob above in the ceiling poked out through its hatch, silvery eyes shining with a gentle light, extending into a halo that surrounded its head. “What is it, my child?”

  “I’m the only human here.”

  There came a pause.

  “Right, sorry,” Ceiling Cat apologized. “Hoomin, I am watching meOWWW!” A red ‘43’ drifted up as Jarrik pegged it with an arrow, and then there was no more time for grammar correction.

  “Holy Smite!” Shouted Ceiling Cat, dropping from the ceiling, paw glowing as it became surrounded by a silvery outline of a much bigger appendage. It aimed for Jarrik, but the scout dodged, and Garon took it on his shield, grunting as a red 25 drifted up from him. “Fight the Battles!” he roared.

  Instantly, Threadbare felt… heavier.

  You are affected by a temporary party buff! +7 STR +7 CON +7 Armor! +7 to all weapon skills!

  Ceiling Cat flipped off the shield, landed, and darted back in clawing and scratching-

  -just as Bak’Shaz screamed. He was on the floor, being dragged backwards. Basement Cat had charged out, nabbed him, and was trying to carry him off into the darkness.

  “Oh no you don’t! Come on Threadbare!” The dagger zipped out at Basement Cat, and Celia angled for a clear shot, readying her static rod. Threadbare, for his part, simply dashed in and unleashed his ultimate attack! Before Basement cat could react, the little bear hugged him!

  You healed Basement Cat 80 points! Your Innocent Embrace skill is now level 8!

  Basement Cat paused. He dropped the squirming Bak’Shaz and stared at the little bear. “Thank you?”

  Threadbare let go of him, puzzled. That hadn’t worked.

  “Uh, what the hell are you even wearing?” Basement Cat continued, thoroughly distracted by the bizarre figure’s garb.

  Your Fascination skill is now level 2!

  Then a static orb slammed into the cat, and he howled again, lashing out at Bak’Shaz and Threadbare.

  Well, Threadbare had claws too, didn’t he?

  Basement Cat blurred, fading in and out of sight, striking from unexpected angles, aiming for critical points on the little bear.

  He found none.

  Your Golem Body skill is now level 15!

  Con +1

  Your Golem Body skill is now level 16!

  “Celia! Switch fire to Ceiling Cat!” Beryl called. “Basement’s a rogue type, keep the dagger on him!”

  “Got it!”

  Threadbare didn’t care about the long claws sliding into places his organs should have been, and the damage drifting up was a secondary concern. Celia would keep him healed there, if he needed it. So the little teddy bear swiped and clawed back, aided by the magical dagger which whirred by and cut into the boss’ side every now and then, and Bak’Shaz, who got to safety behind the altar and pelted it with slingstones.

  Five more brawling levels, two more strength, a point of luck, and six more Claw Swipes levels later, Basement Cat staggered back. Threadbare spared a glance to the others, found Garon tanking Ceiling Cat next to Beryl, supported by shots from Jarrik and Celia’s static orbs.

  “Lesser Healing!” The white cat mewed, flying just out of reach for a second.

  “Yeah? I got that too, you little pussy!” Beryl yelled. “Lesser Healing!”

  Garon grinned as his wounds sealed. “Thanks!”

  The fight went on for a few more minutes, and gained the little bear another Brawling level, but Threadbare could see how it would end up. Which made him wonder… were these guys supposed to be the strongest monster here? The group was handling this one fine. Why had they worried about it so much?

  He got his answer as the two polar opposite cats reached the same conclusion, glanced to each other, then disengaged and bound upwards, to stand on the altar.

  “By our paw-ers combined,” meowed Ceiling Cat,

  “Call the ultimate magus!” finished Basement Cat.

  “Come forth, Nekomancer!” The two cats blurred and bended together, mystical energies crackling and flaring, obscuring them from view.

  “What the fuck you mean they got a final form!” Beryl bellowed. “Ah shit, uh, uh… Party Heal! Get ready, guys!”

  “Mend! Mend!” Celia shouted, and Threadbare felt himself pull together. His cape fluttered in the wind, as the flashing light resolved…

  Into a girl. Small, thin, wearing a black fur bikini, with white kitty ears. A twisty tail, made of swirling black and white fur, waggled behind her. “Nyaaaa-aaan,” she purred, squatting on her haunches, and grinning big…

  …showing very large, but cute fangs.

  “Awwww,” the youths chorused.

  Threadbare wouldn’t have joined in if he could’ve.

  You have resisted the Adorable effect! WILL +1

  Your Stubborn skill is now level 7!

  With a magic-item boosted leap, he hopped up on the altar, and bopped her in the face with a fistful of claws, sending a red ‘40’ skyward.

  AGL +1

  Your Brawling Skill is now level 19! Your Claw Swipes Skill is now level 16!

  “Me-OWWW!!! That is NOT KAWAII!” She kicked him off the altar, and Celia caught him.

  Your Toughness Skill is now level 9!

  Max HP +2

  “Yeah! You’re not cute at all!” Celia shouted. Then the little girl looked down at her bear, and blanched, stared up in shock at the red ‘65’ that drifted its way up above. “Oh no! Mend! Mend!”

  The Nekomancer leaped into the party, slashing and gouging with unbelievable strength, and slowly but surely, the youths were driven back. Garon went down first, coughing blood, gasping as he hauled himself away from the fight.

  “Shit shit shit! Lesser Mending! Lesser Mending! Lesser-” Beryl broke off as the Nekomancer caught up to her, ignoring the slingstones and arrows that thunked into her. Beryl raised her shield, and staggered backward as red numbers crashed out from her, glaring against her armor. That was the only thing that saved her, as she scrambled away.

  Then Threadbare was there again, and punted away again, for another 57 points of damage.

  Jarrik fell next, holding his side and gasping as he bled on the stone floor, and the Nekomancer chuckled. “Hee hee hee! Is that all you’ve got? You’re no match for meee-eeee nyan nyan nyan…” She posed, somehow managing to get her bikini-clad boobs and butt in the same line of sight.

  Then a static orb bounced off of her, sending up a red ‘24’ and she turned.

  To glare at Celia.

  “Oh no!” Celia whispered, bringing the dagger in front of herself. “Stay back, or-”

  “Blood Is Gold!” Garon thundered, and the entire group and the boss froze, and whipped around to stare over by the altar-

  -and past it, to one of the large, coin-filled chest, that now looked a lot-emptier.

  Next to it knelt Garon, glowing with health, one hand buried up to the elbow in the loot. He grinned at the Nekomancer.

  “He-ey! My shinies!”

  “Oh you’re gonna love this, lady.” Garon sneered. “TWISTED RAGE!” He howled, and as the Nekomancer charged him he scooped up the treasure chest with one arm, muscles bulging and popping open his leather armor as he roared pure hatred at the boss!

  Seconds passed, as Celia and Threadbare stared. The half-orc’s immense, boosted strength brought his axe crashing down again and again on the head of the Nekomancer, and her claws flashed so quickly that they could barely see them. Red numbers flew up left and right, blending together so much they couldn’t tell whose wounds were whose.

  “Blood is Gold!” Garon howled again, and the coin level in the chest shrunk again. Then he hit the Nekomancer harder.

  “Don’t just stand there, help him!” Beryl yelled.

  “Right!” Celia tried for an angle where she wouldn’t catch Garon in the crossfire, but it was tricky. She sent in the dagger, and waited for her moment.

  “Divine Shield!” Beryl yelled, pointing at Garon as energy flared around him. Some of the numbers got smaller, but not by much. “I’m almost dry!” The cleric yelled.

  “Analyze Monster!” Bak’Shaz took a look, and paled. “She’s only down to half!”

  “Half?” Celia shrieked. “He’s almost out of money! When that happens…”

  “We need a distraction,” Beryl called back. “So he can switch chests!”

  And Threadbear knew what he had to do.

  The first major boss battle of his life had been against a housecat, after all. And this girl seemed to be at least part housecat.

  He ran toward the fight, pushing himself to the limits, leaped for her, saw he was going to miss-

  -and time slowed, as his Paws Button cape sped him up to the point where everyone else was in slow motion.

  Hitting the ground, Threadbare marched over, grabbed the Nekomancer’s tail with both hands, and hung on. He knew what was coming.

  Time renewed-

  -and the Nekomancer flipped out.

  “AH! Getitoff getiitoff getitofff!” She screeched, breaking off the fight and bouncing from pillar to pillar, flipping around, slamming the little bear against the stone again and again. If he’d had bones they would have been jellied, if he’d had internal organs they would have been ruptured. But as it was…

  STR +1

  Your Ride Skill is now level 3! Your Golem Body skill is now Level 17! Your Ride Skill is now level 4!

  “Mend!” shouted Celia

  CON +1

  Your Ride Skill is now level 5! Your Toughness skill is now level 10! +2 Max HP Your Ride Skill is now level 6! Your Brawling skill is now level 20! Your Golem Body skill is now level 18! Your Ride Skill is now level 7!

  “Mend!” Shouted Celia.

  All told, it lasted for far less than it seemed it did.

  Finally, perhaps a minute into it, Threadbare heard a rip, and went flying. One of his arms was gone, he realized, shortly before he hit a pillar and fell, cloak flapping, dragon hat dangling to one side, the stitches torn.

  “My tail! You brute! I’ll use your stuffing for my litter box-”

  “Ahem, ” Garon said.

  She turned, and her eyes went up three sizes as she shrieked. “Not again!’

  “Again!” Garon roared, his arm buried into the coins of the other treasure chest. “Blood is Gold! Twisted Rage! RARRWRWRWRWARWQGQGQHQGHAERWAWEAW!!!!”

  It took every last bit of stamina they had.

  But finally, finally, they brought her down.

  You are now a level 9 Toy Golem! All Attributes +2

  You are now a level 3 Ruler! CHA +3 LUCK +3 WIS +3

  You are now a level 3 Scout! AGL +3 PER +3 WIS +3

  Threadbare dusted himself off, went over and picked up his arm, leaking stuffing with every step, then hauled out the sewing kit and started patching himself up.

  Your Tailoring skill level is now 10! You are now a level 3 Tailor! DEX +1 PER +1

  And just as he finished, he noticed that new words had appeared before him.

  By defeating a foe using a level 20 or higher weapon skill, you have unlocked the Duellist job! Do you wish to become a Duelist at this time? y/n?

  Well, any job was a good job!

  You are now a level 1 Duelist! +3 AGL +3 DEX +3 STR You have learned the Challenge skill! Your Challenge skill is now level 1! You have learned the Dazzling Entrance skill! Your Dazzling Entrance skill is now level 1! You have learned the Fancy Flourish skill! Your Fancy Flourish skill is now level 1! You have learned the Guard Stance skill! Your Guard Stance skill is now level 1! You have learned the Weapon Specialist skill! Your Weapon Specialist skill is now level 1! Searching… Your Weapon Specialist skill is currently set to: Brawling!

  That felt weird, but good. Threadbare flexed his paws, feeling separate pressure points rise and fall beneath them. It was like he had claws under there that weren’t claws. He picked up the tailoring kit one handed, and marveled at the ability to do so.

  “What the fuck?” Beryl said, staring at Threadbare. “The little shitter just leveled into duelist.”

  “To be fair, that was a pretty swashbuckl-ey move back there,” Garon said. “Kinda fits.”

  “This is definitely not supposed to be happening, I’m pretty sure,” Celia said. “Threadbare, just… let me talk to Daddy before we do any more adventuring, okay?”

  “Tell me ya got to level 10,” Jarrik begged Beryl, who nodded, sweaty-faced, bruised all up and down her side, but with a big grin.

  “I did. I can get us out of here.”

  “Oh, give me that tigerseye, will you?” Garon asked Celia. “Quest’s done.”

  She handed it to him, then hugged the fat youth tightly. “Thank you.”

  “Eh. Most of our loot’s gone. Except some small gems, and a few of magic items we’ll have to turn in so there’s no point in getting attached.” He scooped up an armload of weapons and armor. “Let’s go. Experience is its own reward, looks like.”

  “Divine Transit!” Beryl said, and the world blurred around Threadbare…

  …and instantly, they were back at the beginning of the dungeon.

  “Oh this is gonna make things so much easier,” Beryl grinned. “Thanks, guys. Good party.”

  “Good party,” Celia agreed. Level 9! In one day she’d gone up two levels! And that wasn’t even counting her gains as a scout, and an enchanter. She was so close to her level 5 skills she could taste it…

  …but it was time to go. Night had fallen while they were up there, a trip that was supposed to take perhaps half the day gone way late, due to Threadbare’s unexpected fall.

  They walked out of the entrance, and headed back to the gatehouse. It was shut once more, and the guards were on the dungeon side of the gate, now. Atop the gatehouse, a man dressed in blue robes, with a bushy beard, stared down at them.

  “Halt and surrender your unregistered magic items,” the guards demanded.

  “Sure. It’s a good haul, the Crown should be happy,” Garon said, offering the collection from the chest one by one.

  “Come on, get his little cape too,” he reminded Celia.

  Forlorn, she handed over the Paws Button cape, the dagger, and the Static Rod. “I think that’s it.”

  “We’re done here too,’ Beryl said, after checking with the brothers. Come on-”

  “Analyze Magic,” The old man in the gatehouse window said. Then his eyes narrowed. “Check the bear.”

  “What? No!” Celia said. “He’s not a magic item, he’s a golem, that’s all.”

  “Yes, and there’s something in him that’s registering.” Said the wizard.

  “Don’t-” Then one of the guards tore Threadbare from Celia’s arms. He fought back, but the armored man ignored his attacks, squeezing each part of him, compressing the stuffing. Red zeroes flew upward as he swiped at the guard, to no avail.

  “Something inside him,” The guard said, then Threadbare shuddered as the man casually tore his side open, and a red ‘120’ floated up into the air.

  Your Golem Body skill is now level 19! Your Toughness skill is now level 11! Max HP +2