Then its legs drifted off and floated away, so it stopped running to watch them go. It tried to wave bye-bye, but its hands had eyes, and so it winked them instead.

  At some point the meat fairy came out and started showering him with turkey legs.

  Then everything hurt at once and suddenly all the ogre could see was darkness.

  *****

  Against the burning remnants of the woods, the hut, and the clearing, the little toys and their pet cat stood triumphant, splattered in ogre blood, thoroughly drained. Once Zuula’s secret blend of eleven herbs and spices had finished its work on it, and slapped it with a thoroughly hallucinogenic high, they’d closed on it and torn the ogre to bits. It had taken literally half an hour, and they were all tired. Golem endurance is very high to start with, but fighting really does take it out of a person.

  Even when all the enemy can do is sit there and stare into the distance, waving at hallucinations.

  Then the levels started rolling in, and they were cheering, hugging, and embracing. All save for Mopsy. She’d leveled too, but she was too busy meowing in confusion, as her body grew a bit.

  Just a little bit. She was a tamer’s pet, so she was capped by the tamer’s level.

  “Hahaha! Back to de level five shaman!” Zuula danced with joy. “Four Toy Golem and five half orc levels too. But shaman for de win! Hello Dream Quest! Zuula miss you so!”

  “Level fahve elementalist! Woo! New skills! Oooh, one of them gives me a moah sanity. Nahse! Wait, it ain’t all that much. Eh, whaddeva.” She frowned. “Only level three vampire? But level foah toy golem? What gives?”

  “I got level four golem too,” Garon confirmed. “Merc’s back up to five. Gods, that was a lot of… a lot of…” He frowned. “Wait. Uh… Uh oh.”

  “What?”

  “My dragon level’s still one.”

  “Oh. Shit, that’s rough man. Wait, so some races get levels fastah than othahs?”

  “I’m a knight!” Yelled Missus Fluffbear, raising her dagger. “Yay! And more levels!”

  “I guess that’s how it works. Dragons take a lot to level.” Garon looked like he was going to cry.

  “Fuckin’ Nurph, amirite?”

  “Fucking Nurph,” Zuula confirmed, patting Garron’s wing.

  “Meh, whatever,” Garon shook himself. “Still a dragon. Did you see that Burninate?”

  “I still see that Burninate,” Said Threadbare, on foot, guiding a very reluctant Pulsivar through the trees. “I think that maybe we should move to some place that isn’t on fire, please.”

  “When did you show up?” Zuula asked.

  “Ten minutes ago. But I didn’t want to steal your kill. This was all to train you, even if it didn’t work like we planned. Erm… you might want to…”

  WHUMP!

  A burning pine tree five times the size of the ogre slammed down ten feet from the toys, spraying embers everywhere. They jumped and screamed, and Mopsy was gone, baby, gone.

  “…Move…” Threadbare finished. “Well, no harm done. Yet. let’s go then.”

  Once clear of the now-burning hollow, Madeline looked up at Threadbare as he rode along on Pulsivar’s back. He had black and white makeup on his face, in the shape of a handsome, mustached man. She’d seen the like on many playing cards, before.

  “Nice paint.”

  “Thank you. It’s a model skill. It’s boosting my Organize Minions skill right now. I guess this is the Ruler makeup.”

  “If I evah get moah jahbs, that sounds like a useful one ta pick up.”

  “Model or Ruler?”

  “Both. Eithah.”

  “I would be happy to teach you.”

  “Hate to interrupt lovefest,” Zuula spoke up, “But we ready to move on out of village now, Zuula t’ink.” She glanced back at the fire. “Might have to anyway. Wind comin’ from south. Maybe not be village left in a day or two.”

  “Eh, that town was dead anyway,” Garon said. And then they were all howling with laughter, as the bears looked on.

  Fluffbear looked at Threadbare, who nodded, and they laughed too. It seemed appropriate.

  The mirth lasted until Fluffbear noticed how badly injured Garon was. “Oh! Oh I should mend you! Hold on, let me-”

  Threadbare put a paw on her. “May I try? I just picked up a new skill.”

  “You leveled from that?” Madeline looked up. “In what?”

  “Golemist.”

  Silence, as they walked. “That confirms it,” Garon said. “When your golems do something big, you get part of the experience. Speaking of which, you owe us some gold.”

  “All right. Before that, though… Mend Golem.”

  Garon’s head put itself together, mostly. “Sixty-five? Lordy.”

  Threadbare smiled. “Okay, that was pretty decent. Now you can mend him the rest of the way please,” Threadbare rubbed his chin. “And that’s what it does at skill level one. Dear me.”

  “How’s the cost?” Garon wondered, as Fluffbear godspelled him back up to full.

  “Four times as much as a mend. Only works on golems. But…” Threadbare’s scepter glittered in the distant firelight as he swept it around his friends. “Well.”

  “Well.” Garon nodded. And yeah, it was. This wasn’t the existence he would have chosen, but it beat the alternative. Besides-he glanced over at Madeline as she rode on his back, looking back at the flames. The company wasn’t so bad. And the pay was… the pay! “Oh yeah! Gold? You owe us that.”

  “So I do. Although I’ve been thinking…

  “Yeah?”

  “You’re pretty big. What if we sewed you a pouch, and you used it to carry your own coins? So you could heal yourself whenever and wherever you needed?”

  “I been thinkin’ about stuff like that too. Makin’ mods and gearing up ta help us survive and prospah.” Madeline said. “I got a crafting slot, and soulstones is crystals, riaht? So maybe I get jewelah, and make us some weahable soulstone necklaces or something in case tha worst happens…”

  “And you is enchanter who need practice, so you put spells in necklaces,” Said Zuula. “Or other stuff we can carry.”

  “Maybe something to make Mopsy braver?” Fluffbear said. “Also can you adjust her saddle? She’s bigger now and it’s a little tight on her, I think.”

  Plotting, planning, and basking in the glow of their stat gains, the little party of friends made their way back to town to salvage what they could and move on before the fire got there.

  “So where do we go from here?” Threadbare finally asked. “We need to save Celia.”

  “North prahbably,” Madeline said. “There’s a little fishing town up that way. Most of our prey came from there. Dungeon huntahs, lootahs, trappahs. The ones we turned all said it was a quiet little place where folks just fished and mahnded their business.”

  “Yeah, but we’re a bunch of toy monsters,” Garon pointed out. “Even for an insular, quiet community, that’d be a bit much.”

  “Actually, Zuula been tinkin’ about dat,” The shaman spoke, feeling a lot happier now that she was about twenty points of wisdom and eight points of intelligence smarter. “Here is de plan…”

  *****

  Meanwhile, many miles away, a man in green robes perked up. “Hey! There’s something to the south!”

  “What?” His wife asked, shivering. It was cold and lonely up on this hill, and she was thoroughly fed up with waiting. The wind was coming off of Lake Marsh, and chilling her to the bone.

  Entirely agonizing, because the fire pit was right there, with unlit wood stacked high, ready to go. They’d been sitting next to it, as they had every night that their turn came up, with flint and steel and oil ready to go.

  But still, the stars refused to cooperate, and until they did, the fire had to remain unlit.

  “Give me a second, let me get up here…” The man shimmied up one of the old dolmens, using one of the many tentacles carved into the sides to climb it. She winced as he put a foot into YGlnargle’blah’s eye. “Sorry lord,” she mouthed, just to be sure.

  “What was that?”

  “Nothing, nothing.” She coughed. “Just cold.”

  “Well someone’s not. They’ve lit a whomping great fire out that way.”

  “Out what way?” She moved over to the edge of the hill and peered. No way was she climbing a dolmen, the last time she’d done something like that had been a lot of donuts and about five blessed children of the depths ago. Which reminded her, she needed to pick up fish in the morning before she got back home. They’d been good lately, and it was fun watching their lidless eyes light up so as they got their special treats.

  “South. It looks like a wildfire or something, it’s really going,” Harb said.

  She froze. “Harb?”

  “Yes Marva?”

  “Harb, it’s a fire? A big fire that we can see from here?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “A fire like the sort we were supposed to light when the stars were right, and YGlnargle’blah’s words echoed like terrible thunder from the dolmens to enlighten his children?”

  There was a long pause. Then as one, Harb and Marva turned to look at the town of Outsmouth, a few miles to the north.

  Outsmouth, in which their cult was eagerly awaiting the signal. The signal of a fiery beacon, from the south.

  Harb and Marva looked to the stars, which were really, really, really not right. Then they looked to the dolmens, which were as silent as they’d been the last two years that the cult had been keeping sentries out here. Then they looked to the unlit fire.

  And then they looked back at the blaze.

  “You know,” Harb said, in that voice one gets when there’s something entirely horrible right in your sight, but you don’t want to acknowledge it, “That fire is pretty big. You can probably see it from town.”

  “If you’re looking this way,” Marva said, in that voice one gets when one is trying to deny the horror, find some faint scrap of hope to lift one’s soul, even in the face of the death of all one’s hopes and dreams, “Maybe nobody’s looking this way. I mean, Ebbett’s on duty tonight, and he is a bit of a slacker.”

  “Totally fell through on the last bake sale,” Harb said, desperately. “Probably asleep right now. Nothing to worry about-“

  BONG.

  The two cultists turned to stare at the town.

  BONG BONG BONG.

  Someone had started ringing the bells.

  “Dead gods dammit Ebbett!” Harb and Marva wailed simultaneously, and looked at each other. Harb shimmied down off the stone, took her hand, and the married couple ran desperately toward town, hands waving, screaming at their distant brethren that no, wait, stop, it was all a big misunderstanding…

  THREADBARE’S NEW SKILLS

  MEND GOLEM Level: 5 Cost: 20 San Duration: Instant Heals a golem for a moderate amount. Affected by intelligence and skill level.

  WOOD GOLEM Level: 5 Cost: 150 San Duration: Permanent Allows the golemist to construct a wood golem shell. Requires wood, three doses of YELLOW reagents, and a level 2 Crystal.

  PROGRAM GOLEM Level: 5 Cost: 50 San Duration: Permanent until changed Allows the golemist to give conditional instructions to golems under his control. The golems will follow these instructions until it becomes impossible to do so. The higher the skill, the more instructions can be given, and the more complex they can become. Some experimentation is necessary for best results.

  THREADBARE’S CHARACTER SHEET

  Name: Threadbare Age: 5

  Jobs: Greater Toy Golem Level 11 Cave Bear Level 10 Ruler Level 5 Scout Level 5 Tailor Level 9 Model Level 5 Necromancer Level 10 Duelist Level 3 Animator Level 5 Enchanter Level 2 Golemist Level 5 Smith Level 5

  Attributes: Strength: 99 Constitution: 102 Hit Points: 261(311) Armor: 42(46) Intelligence: 131 Wisdom: 148(154) Sanity: 279(363) Mental Fortitude: 32 Dexterity: 76(82) Agility: 80(92) Stamina: 166(237) Endurance: 52 Charisma: 77(107) Willpower: 114 Moxie: 191(266) Cool: 20(32) Perception: 81 Luck: 65(71) Fortune: 146(197) Fate: 11(17) Generic Skills Brawling - Level 25 (+5) Climb - Level 13 Clubs and Maces - Level 9 Dagger - Level 9 Dodge - Level 7 Fishing - Level 1 Ride - Level 8 Stealth - Level 10 Swim - Level 2

  Greater Toy Golem Skills Adorable - Level 21 Bodyguard - Level 6 Gift of Sapience - Level NA Golem Body - Level 21 Innocent Embrace - Level 11 Magic Resistance -Level 6

  Bear Skills Animalistic Interface - NA Claw Swipes - 22 Darkspawn - NA Forage - 13 Growl - 2 Hibernate - 37 Scents and Sensibility - 18 Stubborn - 7 Toughness - 15

  Ruler Skills Appoint Official - Level NA Emboldening Speech - Level 6 Identify Subject - Level 1 Noblesse Oblige - Level 20 Organize Minions - Level NA Royal Audience - Level 1 Simple Decree - Level 1 Swear Fealty - Level NA

  Scout Skills Alertness - Level 1 Best Route - Level 1 Camouflage - Level 1 Firestarter - Level 4 Keen Eye - Level 1 Sturdy Back - Level 6 Wind’s Whisper - Level 5

  Tailor Skills Tailoring - Level 41(45) Clean and Press - Level 5 Adjust Outfit - Level 2

  Model Skills Call Outfit - Level 1 Dietary Restriction - Level 25 (+50 to all pools) Fascination - Level 3 Flex - Level 14 Makeup - Level 2 Self-Esteem - Level 14 Strong Pose - Level 1 Work it Baby - Level 20

  Necromancer Skills Assess Corpse - Level 10 Command the Dead - Level 28 Deathsight - Level 6 Drain Life - Level 1 Invite Undead - Level 12 Mana Focus - Level NA (+10% to sanity) Skeletons - Level 16 Soulstone - Level 24 Speak With Dead - Level 18 Zombies - Level 3

  Duelist Skills Challenge - Level 3 Dazzling Entrance - Level 8 Fancy Flourish - Level 6 (12) Guard Stance - Level 8 Weapon Specialist - Level 10 (Brawling +5) Animator Skills Animus - Level 13 Animus Blade - Level 1 Arm Creation - Level 1 Command Animus - Level 7 Creator’s Guardians - Level 12 Dollseye - Level 2 Eye for Detail - Level 8 Mend - Level 25

  Enchanter Skills Appraise - Level 9 Glowgleam - Level 1 Harden - Level 5 Soften - Level 1 Spellstore - Level 1

  Golemist Skills Command Golem - Level 1 Golem Animus - Level 6 Invite Golem - Level 2 Mend Golem - Level 2 Program Golem - Level 1 Toy Golem - Level 6 Wood Golem - Level 1

  Smith Skills Adjust Arms and Armor - Level 4 Refine Ore - Level 1 Smithing - Level 21

  Equipment Apprentice Tailor’s Apron (+4 Armor, +4 Tailoring) Baggy Pants of Hammerspace (+5 AGL, +5 CHA, Allows hammerspace for one blunt weapon)(+1 AGI, CHA, from WIB) Poor Quality Bling Ringtail Master’s Coat (+5 CHA, +5 LUCK, +5 Armor, +5 Fate)(+1 CHA, LUCK, Armor, Fate from WIB) Rod of Baronly Might (+5 CHA, +5 WIS, +10 Cool)(+1 CHA, WIS, +2 Cool from WIB) Yellow Belt of Bravado (+5 AGL, +5 DEX, +5 to the Fancy Flourish skill)(+1 AGL, DEX, Fancy Flourish from WIB) Toy Top Hat (CHA +10)(+CHA from WIB) INVENTORY A Sack of coins. A Finely-Made Dagger (Dagger Level 5) A Dungeon Core Tailor’s Tools A small jewelry box full of reagents and crystals, most minor. Minorphone (Enhances voice and social skills focused through it twice per day) Quests Save Celia

  Unlocked Jobs Berserker, Cleric, Cook, Spirit Medium, Tamer, Wizard

  Background Interlude 2-1: On Gods

  ON GODS

  Long ago, the gods were far more present in the world.

  This lead to a number of problems, and a whole lot of holy wars. It all came to blows when the god of dining, (Fuudi) threw down with the god of expediency, (Max) whose followers had just invented fast food. The Sandwich Jihad lasted for twenty-six years, wiped out two nations, rearranged the borders, and ended with both gods dead, and their allied deities so upset about it that the resulting God Wars went through the pantheon of Generica like a wildfire.

  Two centuries later, twelve gods remain, patching up the holes, still absorbing the dead gods’ pantheons, and trying to run around making it work. They now have a strict rule about interference, with no divine materializations or avatars allowed, and an “Everyone-gets-equal-influence” rule. Basically, every time a god does something that isn’t within the carefully written divine code of conduct, their rival gets allowed an equal act, or amount of influence.

  Since most gods get along like the high school students of your choice, this usually serves to keep things in check. Although some of the rivalries are more serious than others, most of the time it works.

  Most of the time.

  Then, forty years ago, just as they were getting things sorted out the world changed. Words appeared to mortals, empowering them with things the gods never intended. Some took it in stride. Others… not so much.

  The most common theory among the gods is that one of their dead brethren was holding something in check. And with his death, a forbidden seal broke, or something escaped, and now the world is chaos because of it.

  None of them want to admit the second-most-common theory, even though it preys on their minds. The notion that whatever happened has nothing to do with them, and there is a greater power in control of the world than even the gods…

  Of the twelve gods, thirteen are worshipped and provide powers to their clerics and oracles.

  Yes, I know. One of them’s technically dead. See the descriptions below, that should clear it up a bit.

  Gods are touchable in two ways by clerics. Well more, since technically they’re the source of clerics’ powers. Yes, clerics get all the healie and helpy stuff regardless of their god, but there’s two level one spells which have significant impact depending on which god they’re from.

  Oracles are different. Oracles happen when a mortal accomplishes something of great significance to a particular god. They get the chance to be an oracle, and those who follow the call have the double-edged joy of a more personal relationship with their patron.

  The “Pray to…” spell lets a cleric contact their patron god. The mortal can speak directly with the god, and usually use the spell to ask for advice. Though the gods aren’t allowed to give TOO much away in a pray spell, they can and do subtly nudge things toward a suitable conclusion for that god. In the end, though, it’s up to the cleric to decipher the advice and follow and implement it. And some gods get pissy if you use it too much. They’ve got shit to do, making the world do world stuff, go figure it out yourself!