“And? Have you come to any conclusions?”

  He sighed. He never talked to his parents about Ashley, though he suspected they knew how he felt about her. “I let the woman I love marry the wrong man.”

  “I know,” she whispered. “I know that’s why you moved away, because it hurt too much to see them together.”

  His mother’s insight never ceased to amaze him. She rarely needed him to fill in the blanks for her. If there was a problem with one of her children, she just knew, intuitively. “You’re right.”

  “But they’re not together anymore.”

  “No, they’re not. But there are new obstacles in our path now.” He smirked. “I’m beginnin’ to think maybe it’s just not in the cards for us.”

  “If you’re talking about her children…”

  Derek looked up, surprised. “How’d you know that was the problem?”

  She rolled her eyes. “You could’ve cut the tension with a knife the other day, honey. They’re hurt and angry. Anyone can see that.”

  Derek wouldn’t burden his mother with the whole story, not when she was still reeling from Dave’s death. “They have their reasons.”

  “I’m sure they do. They’re both good boys. They love their mama and daddy, and I know how protective they are. Same way you boys have always been protective of your daddy and me.”

  She was right. Jay and Mike were reacting the same way he or any of his brothers would have if anyone tried to create a rift in their family. It helped Derek to see things from their perspective. His parents had been in love for as long as Derek could remember. They’d been each other’s strongest support during the difficult years, but if there had been another man or woman in the picture, trying to drive a wedge between them, Derek would have despised him or her, the same way Ashley’s sons resented him.

  Derek sighed. “They were great kids. You don’t know how much I missed them when I left.”

  “Did you ever tell them that?” she asked quietly.

  “No. I thought it’d be best if I kept my distance for a while.”

  “Fifteen years is a hell of a long while.” She looked him in the eye. “You abandoned those boys, son.”

  “I was just tryin’ to give Ash and Josh the space they needed to make their marriage work.”

  “I know that, but we’re not talking about them right now. We’re talking about their kids.”

  Derek had never been able to think about Mike and Jay without thinking about their parents, but he knew he should have. The relationship he had with them was independent of the relationship he had with Josh or Ashley. He was their coach, their godfather, their confidante, their tutor, their friend… God, it killed him to think what a void he left in their lives when he left without so much as a good-bye. Their family was falling apart, and they didn’t even have him to talk to about it.

  He dropped his head in his hands. “God, I really messed up, didn’t I?”

  His mother stroked his back. “You can’t go back, Derek. You can’t change anything you did back then, but you can be there for them now, as their friend. You can tell them you’re sorry. You can try to explain why you did what you did. Maybe if you’re able to heal your relationship with them, you can begin to work on your relationship with Ashley, too.”

  It occurred to him that his mother was right. He’d been so focused on his relationship with Ashley he hadn’t even considered making amends for what he’d done to her boys. “To tell you the truth, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. How do you say you’re sorry for abandonin’ two kids who counted on you?”

  His mother smiled. “Maybe you should ask Luc about that. He and Nikki managed to repair their broken relationship, and he left her when she was just a little girl.”

  “That’s different. Luc and Nikki were flesh and blood. That gives them an unbreakable bond. The boys and I didn’t have that.”

  “Really?” She smiled. “You were closer to those kids than most fathers and sons I’ve ever seen. You may not have had any biological children, but you loved those kids like they were your own. I saw it every Sunday when you’d all come out here for dinner after church. They worshipped you, and I know you adored them. You were more than their godfather. You were a huge part of their life.”

  “I know.”

  “I’ve always been so damned proud of you,” his mother whispered. “But if there was one thing that disappointed your daddy and me… it was the way you abandoned those kids when they needed you the most.”

  Growing up, Derek had been on the receiving end of a well-placed slap by his mother’s hand a time or two, but nothing hurt as much as the underlying disappointment he heard in her voice now. “I was reelin’, Mama. I was just tryin’ to get through it, one day at a time. I thought I was doing what was best for them and their parents.”

  She shook her head. “When you have children depending on you, you don’t have the luxury of putting your feelings first. I know you weren’t their father, but they depended on you and you were the one who encouraged them to trust you when you nurtured that relationship. You let them down.”

  Derek closed his eyes as he tried to process his mother’s words. “What do you think I should do about it now?”

  She stood up before reaching over to hug him. “That’s your decision to make, honey.”

  Derek arrived at Josh and Lexi’s home for Ashley’s birthday party knowing it may be his last chance to establish whether he and Ashley had a prayer of having the life he envisioned.

  Josh met him at the front door and drew him into a half hug as he shook his hand. “Can I talk to you outside for a minute?”

  Derek hadn’t spoken to his friend since that day on the patio, and he had no idea what to expect. “Sure.”

  Once they made their way outside, Josh turned toward Derek. “I’ve been thinkin’ a lot about what you said. I hate that I found what I was lookin’ for in Lexi and you and Ash still seem so lost. If I hadn’t interfered back then… if I’d just kept my distance—”

  Derek held his hand up to halt his friend’s words. “I didn’t come here to make you feel guilty, man. I just needed to understand how it happened, so I could figure out where to go from here.” He raked his hands through his hair. “I love you. I love Ash. Hell, I still love your kids, even though they can’t stand the sight of me.”

  Josh sighed. “I just want you guys to have a shot at the happiness you deserve. Tell me how I can help make that happen.”

  Derek shrugged. “I don’t know, man. I don’t know what it’s gonna take to undo the damage I’ve done. But make no mistake; this is my problem, my fault, not yours.”

  Josh shook his head. “I can’t help but feel that it was my actions that set this whole thing in motion.”

  “No, I was the guy stayin’ out all night, takin’ Ashley for granted. I should’ve realized a good thing when I had it. I didn’t. That’s all on me.”

  “So, what’re you gonna do?”

  Derek sat down and dropped his head in his hands. “I don’t know. My first order of business is trying to make amends with Jay and Mike. I let them down, and I can’t expect them to accept my relationship with Ashley until I earn their trust again.”

  Josh sat down beside him and slapped him on the back. “That may take a while. Does that mean you’ve decided to move back to Nashville?”

  “I’m still considerin’ my options. It’s a big decision, and I want to make sure it’s the right one.”

  “I can understand that.” Josh cleared his throat. “So, you know that Ash is coming here with Bill, right?”

  Derek scowled. “Uh, no, you failed to mention that the other day when you invited me here.”

  “Apparently the girls had lunch together today and Ashley mentioned that they were goin’ to a concert together tonight. Lexi thought it would be the easiest way to get her here…”

  “Great.” Seeing Ashley with another man would be almost as difficult as it had been back in college, maybe more so, because now he knew what it felt like to live without her. “I don’t know if I should stick around, Josh. She may not want me here, especially if…”

  Jay wandered out onto the patio. “Dad, you mind if I have a word with Derek before the party gets underway?”

  Josh looked from his son to his best friend and back again. “Uh, no, you go ahead. I’ll see if Lexi needs help with anything.”

  Jay claimed the chair his father had just vacated. “So, you and my mom, huh?”

  Derek didn’t know how to respond to that statement. Jay was the more subdued of Josh’s sons. Mike wore his emotions on his sleeve, but Jay was more guarded, more difficult to read. Derek couldn’t decide whether he was trying to bridge the gap between them or instigate an argument, so he decided to err on the side of caution.

  “There’s nothing going on between me and your mom, Jay.”

  Jay laced his fingers and looked out at some unseen focal point in the distance. “But that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t like there to be, right?”

  “I still care about her, even after all these years.”

  “Anyone can see that. You love her.”

  He didn’t seem openly hostile, so Derek decided honesty was the best approach. “Does it bother you knowin’ I still love her?”

  He shrugged. “I know it shouldn’t. We’re not little kids anymore. Dad’s moved on with Lexi, and we’re happy for him. It’s not like we’re holding out hope that our parents will ever get back together…”

  “But?”

  “I can’t speak for Mike, but I’m having a hard time getting over the fact that you bailed on us, man.”

  Jay was giving him an opening, and he knew he may not get another opportunity to say the things he should have said fifteen years ago. “Listen, I know this may be too little, too late, but leavin’ the way I did was probably the biggest mistake I ever made. I ran, like a coward, and I’m not proud of that.”

  Jay smirked. “I never pegged you for a coward. Aside from my dad, I thought you were just about the bravest guy I knew.” He looked Derek in the eye. “You were my hero, man.”

  Derek swallowed the lump of emotion in his throat. He never expected Jay to be so forthcoming after everything that had gone down between them. “I know… That’s why I’m so sorry I let you down. I feel like shit about what I did. I hurt you guys; I hurt your old man, your mom…”

  “I know you weren’t the only one to blame. You were just the easiest target.” He covered his mouth with his hands as he seemed to consider his next words. “It’s not easy for a kid to acknowledge their parents’ mistakes. We wanted you to be the scapegoat so we could let our mom off the hook.”

  “I get that. You were right to blame me.”

  Jay shook his head. “Not really, at least not entirely. You couldn’t help how you felt; I get that now.”

  Derek was surprised and humbled that Jay seemed willing to consider forgiveness an option. “If I could have… I would’ve walked away. I would’ve let your mom go. I just couldn’t do it.”

  “But you did… eventually. Why?”

  This was one of the most difficult conversations he ever had in his life. There was no easy way to explain to Ashley’s son why they betrayed his father. “I knew I passed the point of no return that night. It was a line I swore I’d never cross, sleepin’ with another man’s wife… my best friend’s wife… It was inexcusable. I hated myself.”

  Jay looked at him out of the corner of his eye. “Were you thinkin’ about us when you left? Did you even consider what it might do to us?”

  Derek sighed. “I thought about you guys every damn day, about how much I missed you. I wanted to see you or talk to you again, at least to try and explain why I had to leave. But to tell you the truth, I wasn’t ready to face what I’d done to you and your brother. I was a mess, kid. I couldn’t eat or sleep. The only place I was able to function was at work, so that’s where I stayed from sunup ‘til sundown, every damn day for the past fifteen years.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Leavin’ you guys behind was killin’ me, but I wouldn’t let myself believe it might be killin’ you, too. That would be too much to take. I was already so close to the edge. If I let myself believe that I’d hurt you guys… hell, that would’ve pushed me right over the edge.” He sighed. “I tried tellin’ myself that you had your mama and dad. I knew they’d always take good care of you.”

  “Yeah, well it wasn’t the same. Nothin’ was ever the same after you left. Me and Mike would talk about you all the time. We’d wonder what we did to make you want to leave without even sayin’ good-bye to us. We thought it was our fault.”

  Derek braced his hand on Jay’s shoulder, half expecting to be rebuffed, but Jay continued talking.

  “We didn’t know what the hell happened between you and our mom. We didn’t know that our parents’ marriage was fallin’ apart. We just knew that one day you, one of the most important people in our lives, were there, and the next you were gone.”

  Derek closed his eyes as he tried to process his guilt over what his thoughtless actions had done to those two kids. “I’m sorry. Jesus, I was so damn selfish. I was goin’ through my own personal hell, feelin’ guilty for what I did to your dad, thinkin’ about your mom all the damn time, missin’ you guys like crazy…”

  Jay shook his head. “I can’t imagine what that must’ve been like for you. Mike would probably say you deserved it, but I don’t feel that way. I know you were a good guy who got caught up in a bad situation.” He shrugged. “It happens to the best of us. None of us, including my self-righteous brother, are perfect.” He smiled. “But don’t tell him that. He likes to pretend he is… perfect, that is.”

  Derek and Jay shared a rare smile, and Derek could literally feel the ice thawing beneath his feet. “I can’t tell you how much it means that you had the courage to talk to me about this. I know it wasn’t easy for you.”

  Jay shook his head. “No, it wasn’t easy, but it was long overdue. I love my mom. I want her to be happy. If she can find that with you, who the hell am I to stand in her way, right?”

  Derek extended his hand, knowing full well he may be overstepping the boundaries of Jay’s civility. “Thank you, for being man enough to confront this, so we can start to put it behind us. I’d really like for us to be friends, Jay.”

  Jay looked at his hand a long time before accepting it. He looked Derek in the eye. “I choose my friends carefully. I’m loyal to the people who have my back. Prove to me that you’re worthy of my trust, that you love my mom, and you’d never hurt her. If you can do that, then yeah, I think we can be friends.”

  Derek smiled. “I can do that. I will do that.”

  Jay grinned. “You may have made inroads with me, but my brother is still madder than hell. It may take a long time for him to come around.”

  “That’s okay. I just decided I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

  Chapter Ten

  Ashley had been putting this conversation off all night because she didn’t want to spoil the special evening her date had planned, but cocooned in the privacy of his car on the way to her ex-husband’s house for cake and coffee, she knew she couldn’t continue the farce. Bill was a good man. He just wasn’t the man for her.

  She winced when he reached across the seat to grasp her hand in his. “I had a great time tonight, Bill. Thank you.”

  He brought her hand to his lips. “It was my pleasure.”

  “I… uh… have been meaning to talk to you about something.” Despite Derek’s assumptions about her relationship with Bill after the early morning phone call, they’d never been intimate. She supposed that should make this conversation easier, but hurting someone had never come easily for her.

  “Sure. You can talk to me about anything. You know that.”

  It was true; he was a good listener. He’d often been her sounding board after a difficult day at work or a disagreement with one of her sons. He was her friend, but he would never be her lover. “You know I think you’re a wonderful man. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you these past few months…”

  He shot her a sidelong glance when they pulled up to a traffic light. “Uh oh, I don’t think I like where this is going.”

  She forced a smile to lighten the mood, but her stomach was churning. There was no way for her to explain why she didn’t want to pursue a relationship with him. On paper, they were perfect for each other. They were both divorced with grown children. They enjoyed rewarding careers and were active in the community, loved to read, travel, and go to the movies…

  He sighed. “Whatever’s on your mind, just say it.”

  She heard the uncharacteristic edge to his voice, and she had little doubt he knew what she was going to say next. “I like you a lot, but…”

  He gripped the steering wheel. “But you can’t see a future with me?”

  “No, I’m sorry. I can’t.”

  “Does this have anything to do with that McCall character?”

  She was surprised Bill knew about Derek. Obviously her son had filled him in on the details. She clasped her purse strap in her hand, silently cursing Mike for putting her in the awkward position of having to determine how much Bill knew about her relationship with Derek. “Mike spoke to you about Derek?”

  He clenched his jaw. “He’s a hot topic of conversation at the police station. It seems the chief is jumpin’ through hoops to try to get him to accept the position he offered. I can’t say that I’m thrilled about the prospect of havin’ that guy as my boss.”

  She couldn’t imagine Mike was thrilled with the prospect either, but it wasn’t their decision to make. It was Derek’s, and she could only hope he made the right one. Above all, she wanted him to be happy.

  “I don’t know what Mike told you about Derek, but he’s a good guy and a good cop.” She knew Derek would tell her he didn’t need her to jump to his defense, but it irked her to know her son had painted him in a bad light. “Your precinct would be lucky to have him.”

  He whistled under his breath. “Wow, I guess Mike was right.”