It was a small consolation to know that he shared her sentiment. They were the love of each other’s lives, but they still lived those lives apart. Even if he moved back to Nashville, there was a seemingly insurmountable roadblock in their path: her sons.

  “What’re you thinkin’?” he asked.

  “I’m thinking about the past, the future, the present. Where the hell do we go from here?”

  He shook his head. “I wish I knew. This time last week, my team and I were workin’ on a high-profile serial killer case that was startin’ to consume me. Now here I am, back home, grievin’ my brother and tryin’ to make sense of my life. The things that mattered to me before, like work, don’t seem to matter as much when I realize that life is too damn short to live this way.”

  She refused to read too much into his comment. He was still confused, still grieving. He could wake up tomorrow, find out there was a break in the case, hop on a plane, and never look back. This conversation would be just another memory in their catalogue. “Does that mean you’re thinking about making a change?”

  He shrugged. “Hell, I don’t know. I know there are a lot of people who think I should, but this is still my life. I have to do what’s gonna make me happy.”

  “What would make you happy?”

  He smiled. “Bein’ with you.” He took her hand, turned it over, and pressed his lips to her palm. “But I know that would create a rift with your kids and that would make you unhappy. I don’t wanna do that to you, sweetheart.”

  There was no sense denying his claim. They both knew it was true.

  “I’d never forgive myself if havin’ a relationship with me cost you a relationship with your kids.”

  She shook her head. “I could never let that happen. I still care for you, but Jay and Mike are a part of me, the best part. I can’t imagine them not being in my life.”

  He released her hand and bowed his head. “I’d like to say I understand, but I’m not a parent, so I don’t know exactly what you’re feelin’. I know it’s an impossible choice.”

  It was an impossible choice. She and Derek hadn’t been a couple since they were kids themselves. They didn’t even know if they’d be compatible anymore. How could she risk her relationship with her children on the off-chance this relationship could be as wonderful as they remembered? Was anything in life able to live up to the memory of that first love? Not in her experience.

  “I don’t know what to say. I’m just so confused.”

  He slid off his stool and stood in front of her. “I think we both need a little time to think.” He framed her face with his hands. “This has come at us out of nowhere. We need to figure out where the hell to go from here, and we can’t do that as long as I’m here crowdin’ you.”

  His presence didn’t make her feel stifled. He made her feel safe, protected… cherished. She didn’t want him to go, but she knew she couldn’t ask him to stay under the circumstances. If they made love again, she knew it would be impossible to let him go back to his life in Arkansas. When or if she invited him back into her bed, she needed to know that he was committed to building a new life in Nashville, with her.

  “Can I call you in a few days? Maybe we can go out for dinner?”

  She couldn’t imagine waiting that long to talk to him. Knowing that he was in the same city, a short drive away, would be torture. “Sure. School’s out for the summer, so I’m pretty flexible.”

  He pressed a tender kiss to her lips as she brought her hands to his shoulders. She wanted more. She wanted to know if he still tasted the way she remembered, if he could still ignite her with just one kiss, even after all these years. But just when she thought he was ready to take it a step further, he stepped back, just out of her reach.

  He chuckled. “That was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but we both know what will happen if I kiss you the way I want to right now.”

  She did know what would happen. They’d end up in her bed, and as much as she wanted to believe it would be the start of something amazing, it could just as easily end in heartache for both of them.

  “Let me walk you out.”

  He laced his fingers through hers as she walked him through the kitchen and foyer to the front door. “Do you still have my number?”

  He smiled. “It hasn’t changed.”

  She tipped her head to one side. “How do you know that?”

  “I’ve picked up the phone to call you dozens of times over the years, Ash. Sometimes I’d hang up before you answered, other times I’d get the machine and be afraid to leave a message, or one of the boys would answer and I’d just hang up.”

  She laughed. “I can’t believe you did that. You’re the most confident guy I know. It’s not like you to second guess yourself.”

  He nodded. “Usually, you’re right, but when it comes to you, all bets are off.”

  She pressed a kiss to his mouth because she couldn’t let him leave without touching his full, warm lips just one more time.

  He groaned and bowed his head. “I’d better get outta here while I still can.”

  She watched him walk down the stone stairs leading to her paved drive, and she knew that sleep would be fleeting tonight.

  Derek drove through the dark night, heading in the direction of his parents’ ranch house, but the closer he got, the worse he felt. He needed a stiff drink, not a quiet house filled with memories and tears.

  He made a U-turn and a sharp left, deciding his kid brother’s bar might be his best option. If he wasn’t up to the long drive back, he knew J.T. had a fully equipped apartment upstairs where he could crash.

  J.T. hadn’t changed the name of Jimmy’s when he bought it from the old owner, and as soon as Derek walked through the door, he realized the bar may not have been the best place to escape his nostalgia. Everything looked the same now as it had the last time he’d been there years ago.

  Dave had been home on leave and he and Derek went to their favorite watering hole to catch up on life and exchange war stories. Dave was stationed in the Middle East at the time, while Derek was fighting a losing battle in his own backyard with the drug dealers and pimps who were trying to take over the streets he called home.

  Derek glanced over to the booth in the rear corner where they last shared a beer. He half-expected to see him sitting there, raising a pint, with a ‘gotcha’ grin on his face. What Derek wouldn’t give to see that cocky smile one last time.

  J.T. came up behind his brother and wrapped his arm around his shoulder. “It helps, doesn’t it?”

  “What’s that?”

  “Bein’ in a place where we all raised a little hell. It reminds me of the good times.”

  J.T. was right. Maybe that’s what Derek had been looking for when he turned the truck in the direction of Jimmy’s, a reminder of all the good times they’d shared over a beer, game of pool, or just watching the football game on the big screen. “You’re right, kid. It feels good to be back here.”

  J.T. pointed to the booth Derek had been preoccupied with earlier. “Let me buy you a beer.”

  Derek smirked. “You remembered.”

  J.T. laughed. “His favorite booth? Of course I remembered. He said that was the best one in the house ‘cause you could watch the game or the band…”

  Derek laughed. “Yeah, he also said you could check out the hot chicks as soon as they walked in, before any other guys beat ya to it. But you probably wouldn’t remember… that was before he met Christine.”

  “He really loved her. Jesus, I feel for her… and the kids.” J.T. slid into the booth. “I mean, I know how we’re feelin’. I can’t even imagine what they’re goin’ through right now.”

  Derek claimed the spot his brother used to dominate. He could almost feel his presence, looking down on them, sharing a laugh, raising a beer to the good old days. “Damn, I’m gonna miss him, J.T.”

  “I know, man. So am I.” J.T. raised two fingers to the waitress. “I’m really glad you came home when you did. We wouldn’t have been able to get through these last few days without you.”

  Derek had taken responsibility for planning the service, reception, and helping Christine handle the insurance claim. It had given him little time to think, which was a blessing. He couldn’t bear to think about the man they’d lost. “It was the least I could do. Mama and Dad are goin’ through hell, and Christine and the kids…” He didn’t have to say it; J.T. understood.

  The waitress set two beers down between them. Budweiser. Dave’s beer of choice. Derek smiled as he picked up the bottle. “Here’s to Dave. A better brother and friend than I could ever hope to be.”

  J.T. tapped his bottle against Derek’s. “To Dave.” He took a swig of beer before setting it down on the table between them. “But don’t sell yourself short, man. Dave may have been your hero, but you’ve always been mine.” J.T. smiled. “Given what happened… I just realized I never told you that. I should have.” He looked his brother in the eye. “I’m glad I got the chance.”

  Derek was taken aback by the comment. Dave was the oldest, the strongest, the leader, and Derek had always been happy to let him own that role. “Thanks.” He didn’t know what else to say. He was humbled to know that his kid brother looked up to him as a role model the same way he looked up to Dave.

  “So you couldn’t stand to go back to the house either, huh?” J.T. asked, peeling the label off his bottle.

  “I thought the folks may need a little quiet time to grieve. The house has been full of people for the past few days.”

  “Yeah, I know.” J.T. sighed. “I dropped Nikki off at her old man’s place and decided to crash here tonight. In fact, I’m gonna be stayin’ here for a while, so you’re more than welcome to use my place if you need a little space while you’re here.”

  “That’d be great, thanks.” Derek loved his parents, but he hadn’t lived under their roof since he graduated from high school. “Why’re you stayin’ here?”

  “I want to spend as much time as I can with Nik before she hits the road again. The bar is central. It’s an easy commute for her to the studio and local radio stations when she needs to do her promo thing.”

  Nikki and J.T. hadn’t announced their engagement to family and friends yet, but they had told a select few people, including her father and stepmother, Ty, and Derek. “Why isn’t she stayin’ with you tonight?”

  “She’s comin’ back later. She just wanted to catch up with Luc and Marisa and pack a bag.”

  Derek was happy that his brother had finally found the right woman, but he couldn’t help but envy the fact that he found her while they still had the promise of a long future ahead of them. The possibilities were endless, including children, travel, and the home of their dreams. The world was theirs for the taking. “I’m happy for you guys. Nikki’s a great girl.”

  J.T. grinned. “She sure is. I’m one lucky man.” His smile fell. “I don’t know how the hell I would’ve gotten through the last few days without her.”

  “You’re tougher than you think. You would’ve gotten through it.” Derek paid lip service to his brother’s strength, but he knew that getting through life’s challenges without a partner was enough to break even the strongest man.

  “I don’t know about that.” J.T. brought the bottle to his lips. “Before Nik came home, I was out of control and missin’ her like crazy. When I found out about Dave, I was in a pretty dark place. If Nik hadn’t helped me realize that I could still find happiness on the other side of this mess, I may have gotten lost in this stuff.” He tipped his bottle to indicate the alcohol swimming at the bottom.

  Derek knew what that was like. There had been too many times over the years when he’d turned to alcohol to escape the fear, sadness, loneliness, and frustration that seemed to plague him on a daily basis. He loved his career, but there was a void in his life that job satisfaction would never be able to fill.

  “Booze has gotten the best of some good men. Look what it did to Trey.”

  “Yeah, I know you’re right.” J.T. shook his head. “So listen, I was talkin’ to Luc when I dropped Marisa off at the house. He said he was thinkin’ about gettin’ some of his artists together for a benefit concert to help the families of fallen soldiers. How cool is that?”

  Derek raised his eyebrows. “That’s pretty damn cool.” They were lucky to have friends who could pull together at a moment’s notice and make the kind of impact most people could only dream about. “Speaking of Luc, it looked like you and your future father-in-law were gettin’ along pretty well at the service.”

  J.T. shook his head. “Luc’s tough, but fair. I respect that. Besides, we both love Nik. We just want her to be happy. I think Luc’s finally accepted the fact that I’m the guy she wants to be with. He’s not gonna stand in our way anymore.”

  Too bad Ashley’s sons didn’t share Luc’s viewpoint. They were as stubborn as their old man, and Derek knew Josh would take a bullet before he’d back down from a fight. He had no doubt he’d raised his kids with the same fearless attitude, which made the odds of Derek winning them over with reason slim to none.

  “I’m glad to hear that.” Derek laughed. “Luc Spencer is definitely a man you want to have on your side.”

  J.T. chuckled. “I can’t argue with that.”

  “So, what are your plans when Nikki and Ty go back out on the road?”

  J.T. inclined his head toward a middle-aged man behind the bar. “I’ve got a great manager here. That gives me the freedom to come and go as I please, knowin’ the bar’s in good hands.” He smiled. “You know one of the things I loved most about ridin’ the bulls was the travel. I’m thinkin’ I might hit the road with Nik and Ty for a bit, see how the other half lives.”

  “You’re just afraid she might find someone to take your place if you let her out of your sight for months on end.” Good natured ribbing had always been the basis of the McCall brothers’ relationship. The three remaining brothers hadn’t felt much like teasing each other in the days since they came back together. It felt good to remind J.T. that even though Dave was gone, he could still count on him to bust his chops.

  J.T. laughed. “Why do you think I plan to put a big ol’ diamond on her finger before she hits the road again? You think I don’t know there are millions of guys out there who’d give their right arm to be with my woman?”

  Derek knew his brother was right. Nikki was poised to become the next big thing in country music, and given her talent, beauty, and appeal, she would undoubtedly have legions of male admirers. “That’s probably a smart move.”

  “What about you? How long you think you’ll stick around the old homestead?”

  “I don’t know. I can afford to take about a month off. I’ve got a lot of unused vacation time, but I was workin’ on a big case when I left. My team can handle things without me for a while, but if there’s a break, I’ll need to head back.” Derek was reluctant to tell his brother about the job opportunity in Nashville, especially since he didn’t have any of the details yet. He didn’t want to get their hopes up, only to realize that staying in Nashville, a stone’s throw from the one woman he wanted and couldn’t have, would be harder than he thought.

  “I noticed that Ashley left with you.” J.T. raised his eyebrow. “Anything goin’ on there?”

  J.T. had been graduating high school when Derek left Nashville. He was too wrapped up in partying with his friends to think much about his big brother’s inner turmoil, and Derek knew J.T. didn’t have the life experience to relate back then. The only person he chose to confide in at the time was Dave. His older brother obviously took his secret to the grave, since the rest of his family had never mentioned his indiscretion with Ashley. He told Ty about it some years back, shortly after he told Josh, but he knew Ty was nothing if not discreet.

  “Ashley and I go way back, kid.” Derek liked basking in the glow of his brother’s praise. He didn’t relish the idea of telling him he’d messed up by betraying his best friend. Even if it was fifteen years ago, it still felt like it happened yesterday.

  “I remember you and Ashley were an item back in college. That was before she hooked up with Josh, right?”

  “Yeah.” Derek sighed. No sense keeping the truth from J.T. any longer. If his kid brother could learn from his stupid mistakes and not repeat them with his future bride, then maybe it would be worth the embarrassment of discussing his weakness where his ex-girlfriend was concerned. “Ash was the best thing that ever happened to me, man. I was selfish… caught up in football and partying. I guess I wanted to get the most out of the whole college experience. Long story short, I didn’t give her the attention she deserved.” He clenched his jaw, trying to suppress his bitterness. “Obviously, Josh did.”

  J.T. whistled under his breath. “Man, that must have been rough, watching your ex fall for your best friend.”

  “You have no idea.” Derek dropped his head into his hands. “I was spiralling out of control back then. The closer they got, the harder I tried to push them away. I’d stay out all night, gettin’ loaded, tryin’ to find relief from my pain at the bottom of a bottle just like this one.” He smirked. “Needless to say, it didn’t work.”

  “Jesus, I had no idea it was that bad.”

  “No one knew. I sure as hell wasn’t about to bring my problems home to Mama and Dad. I knew how disappointed they’d be. It wasn’t easy for them to put us all through school. Money was always tight just trying to keep the ranch goin’. I didn’t want them to think I was pissin’ their hard-earned money away at school.”

  “Yeah, but you graduated on time, so you must have gotten your shit together.”

  “I did, eventually. I realized that I could either shut Josh and Ashley out of my life or figure out how to deal with it. I didn’t want to lose either one of them, so I dealt.”

  J.T. drained his beer bottle and raised his hand to the waitress, indicating they were ready for two more.

  “I don’t know if I should,” Derek said before draining his own bottle. “I have to drive back to the house.”

  J.T. shrugged. “You can grab a room across the street if you need to, no big deal.”