He shrugged. “Sure, it’s home… has been for a long time.”

  How could she forget the day Derek decided to move to another state? They’d made love for the first time in years. She was nearing the end of a loveless marriage, and she thought Derek was offering her a new beginning. But he pulled the rug out from under her when he said he couldn’t live with the guilt of betraying his best friend. He suggested she give her marriage another chance, for the sake of her kids.

  She’d taken Derek’s advice. For six months, she and Josh lived under the same roof, shared the same dinner table, and slept in separate beds before they finally admitted it was over and had been for a long time. They parted on good terms, as friends, and wished each other the best of luck finding their second chance. Josh found his with Lexi, but Ashley was still waiting for hers. As the years slipped by, the odds diminished, but she wasn’t willing to settle this time. If she ever married again, he would have to be her soul mate.

  “Is there anyone waiting for you back home?” She hadn’t intended to ask, but her curiosity took precedence over etiquette.

  It was difficult to imagine Derek was as lonely as she was. He was every bit as handsome now as he was back in college, maybe more so. He was still tall and broad with the physique of the athlete he’d once been. Only the laugh lines fanning out from his blue eyes and the faint silver strands weaving through his black hair reminded her that twenty-five years had passed.

  “I lived with someone for four years, but it didn’t work out.”

  She’d already tipped her hand, no sense backing down now. “Do you mind if I ask why?”

  He grinned, revealing the shallow dimples that used to make her melt. “You know you can ask me anything.”

  There was a time when they’d been best friends. He was her phone call in the middle of a crisis or the first person to tell her he was proud of her when she aced an exam. It wasn’t until their junior year when football and partying started to take precedence over their relationship that she let him go to pursue the life he seemed to want. She thought he’d come back to her, but when he didn’t, she found comfort in the arms of his best friend.

  She didn’t know if she wanted to hear the details of his failed relationship, but it seemed easier than allowing her overactive imagination to fill in the blanks. “So… what happened?”

  “She was as committed to her career as I was to mine.” He shot her a sidelong glance. “The only time we saw each other was in bed.”

  The sharp pang of jealousy shouldn’t be so acute after two and a half decades, but there it was. Ashley was envious of a nameless, faceless woman, simply because she had the pleasure of sharing Derek’s bed for four years while she’d been curling up alone.

  She turned her attention to the passing sights outside the window. He was always so good at reading her emotions, and she didn’t want him to see the telltale signs of possessiveness still lurking beneath her carefully applied mask of indifference. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”

  He smiled. “Are you? Really?”

  Dare she tell him the truth? She shrugged. “Okay, maybe I’m not.”

  He threw his head back and laughed as he pulled up to a stoplight. After a moment of amusement, he turned to look at her, a smile still lighting his eyes. “Thanks. I haven’t laughed since I got the call about Dave.”

  She reached across the seat to hold his hand. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world. Years and miles should have made them feel like strangers, but he was still Derek, her first lover and the man she’d once built her dreams around.

  Derek kissed her hand as the car behind them sounded their horn. He scowled into his rearview mirror. “Too bad I’m out of my jurisdiction.”

  “You probably haven’t written a traffic ticket in years. Josh said you were a detective inspector?” Josh didn’t speak to her about Derek often. It was still awkward, given their history and their sons’ resentment toward him, but she would listen carefully and glean any information she could from casual conversations.

  “Yeah, I’m up for another promotion. I’ve got another eight years before I can retire with full pension, but I don’t know what the hell I’d do with myself if I did pack it in.”

  “Do you still think about traveling?” It had been one of their shared dreams in college. They wanted to see the world together after they got married and raised a family. Their retirement, they promised, would be filled with fun and adventure.

  He glanced out the window, admiring the farmland stretching out on either side of their vehicle. “Sure, I still think about it. But unless I find someone who shares the dream, it’s not likely to happen.”

  She knew they were venturing into dangerous territory, talking about lost dreams, but she couldn’t help herself. These were the questions she swore she’d ask him if she ever had the chance. “Do you still think about having kids?”

  He gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white. “I think that time has passed, don’t you?”

  “You’re only forty-seven. You could still find the right woman.” She forced a laugh, trying to pretend the thought of him having a family with someone else wasn’t tearing her heart out. “Granted, she might have to be a younger woman to make that baby fantasy a reality.”

  He glanced over at her and their eyes locked. “I have different dreams now. I don’t need a white picket fence and two-point-two kids to make my life complete anymore.”

  She cleared her throat, trying to decipher the look of intensity in his eyes. “What do you need?”

  “I want someone to share my life. I just want someone to laugh with or someone who’ll listen when I want to bitch and moan about my day.” He shook his head as though he were trying to decide how much to reveal. “I want someone to cuddle with, make love to. I want to know I’m not alone.”

  Ashley was struck by his vulnerability. It wasn’t like Derek to share his feelings on a whim. Maybe his brother’s sudden death had forced him to reevaluate his own life. “We all want that, don’t we?”

  He pulled into his parents’ driveway and cut the engine before turning to face her. “Do you want those things, Ash?”

  “Of course I do.”

  “Why haven’t you found them?”

  Did she have the courage to tell him that every man still paled in comparison to her memory of him? No, she wasn’t that brave. “I don’t know. I haven’t given up hope, though.”

  He smiled before kissing her hand again. “That’s good. Neither have I.”

  Chapter Two

  Derek slipped out on the back patio, needing a moment of peace to catch his breath. He looked out over the open fields, most of which belonged to the neighboring rancher now. He could still see himself and Dave as kids, playing baseball in that field and later taking shots at old tin cans with BB guns. They both wanted to be sharpshooters, even back then.

  With less than two years separating them, they were closer in age than any of the other brothers. Growing up, they were inseparable, best friends who always had each other’s backs. Now his brother, his hero, was gone, and he didn’t know how to come to terms with the fact that he never said the things he always intended to say. Even though they both put their lives on the line every day, Derek just assumed they would have a lifetime to reflect. He imagined them sitting on their parents’ big, old wraparound porch when they both retired, reliving some of their best memories. Now they’d never have that chance.

  Derek turned around when he heard someone clear his throat. He smiled. He and Trey Turner had been the best of friends in college. They were football teammates that never outgrew their love of the game. Trey had turned to music when his football dreams died in college, while Josh and Derek pursued careers in law enforcement. Those choices meant that Josh and Derek remained tight after graduation, while Trey forged a different path. Still, Derek was grateful that Trey was the kind of friend he could see only once a year, but it seemed no time had passed since the last time they spoke. Friends like that meant everything to Derek.

  Derek extended his hand and Trey pulled him into a hug. “Thanks so much for comin’, man. I know you had to cancel a couple of tour dates to be here.”

  Trey slapped him on the back. “Hey, you’ve always been like family to me and Sierra. You know that.”

  Despite his hectic life, Trey always made time for his friends, and Derek was no exception. The phone calls, text messages, and dinner when they were in the same city meant the two had maintained a friendship that probably would’ve died a long time ago if not for the mutual effort to stay connected.

  “When do you hit the road again?” Derek asked, watching the neighbor’s cows grazing in the meadow bordering the two properties.

  “I was plannin’ on headin’ out the day after tomorrow, unless you need me to stick around longer? It’s not a problem if you do.”

  Derek smiled. Just knowing his friend, a multi-platinum selling recording artist with sold-out concerts all over the world, was willing to put his life on hold to support him through a tough time meant everything. “Thanks, man, but there’s nothin’ you can do here. There’s nothin’ anyone can do. He’s gone.” He looked up at the clear, blue sky. There was barely a cloud in sight, but it felt like one of those days when the sky would open up and beat you down at a moment’s notice. “We all have to figure out a way to come to terms with that.”

  Trey leaned against the octagonal cedar table Derek’s father had made in his woodworking shop. “It’s never easy to lose someone you love. You figure out how to get through the day, but you never forget, and you never get over the pain.” He crossed his arms and scowled. “Whoever said ‘time heals’ was a goddamn liar. It doesn’t.”

  Trey and Sierra lost their baby girl years ago, and Derek knew the loss cost them their marriage. It took years before they finally found their way back to each other. “I know you’re right. We’ve lost a few men in the line of duty. I even lost my partner the first year I was out in Arkansas, remember?”

  Trey nodded, indicating he remembered.

  “It hurt like hell, but this’s different. It’s family. And it’s not just what this is doing to me. I mean, how the hell are my parents supposed to deal with this? And what about Christine and the kids? Where do they go from here?”

  Trey looked him in the eye a long time before responding. “Your brother, their son, husband, father… he was a hero. How many people can say that a real, honest-to-God hero touched their lives?”

  Derek smiled, appreciating the sentiment. He knew that’s how those who knew Dave would remember him. He put his life on the line countless times, saved numerous others, and he never lost the essence of what made him a great man. Derek felt so blessed to be able to call him his brother. “You’re right.”

  Trey pointed at him. “You and Dave aren’t all that different.”

  Derek rolled his eyes. He didn’t need false praise now, and he knew Trey wasn’t usually one to dish it out. “Spare me, buddy.”

  “Listen to me. You’re a hero to the people whose lives you’ve saved. You’re a hero to the families who stayed awake nights praying their child’s murderer would be brought to justice. You’re a hero to the kids you rescued from abusive homes.” Trey shook his head. “I sure as hell couldn’t do what you do. Josh told me you’re the best cop he’s ever known.”

  Derek held his hand up to silence his friend. He didn’t need to be reminded that his life had meaning. He knew it did. Even on those dark days, like today, he knew his work mattered. “Listen, I appreciate—”

  “Just shut up and listen for a minute!”

  Derek was taken aback by his friend’s outburst. “Okay, I’m listenin’.”

  Trey sighed. “When you lose someone, you think about what you would have said to them, given another chance, am I right?”

  “Yeah, I was just thinkin’ about that.”

  “That’s what I’m tryin’ to do now, so shut up.” He smirked at his friend. “There have been dozens of times throughout the years when I thought about you and Dave, what you do, and I’m in awe. Guys like you put your lives on the line every day, and you’re not properly compensated for it.”

  Derek smiled. “Thanks, man. That means a lot comin’ from you.”

  “I love what I do, but sometimes I wonder how the hell things got so screwed up, ya know? Here I am, making millions for strummin’ my guitar, and guys like you and Dave are out there doin’ what you do, never knowin’ if you’ll live long enough to see the next paycheck.”

  “Hey, don’t make us out to be martyrs, Trey. Dave and I both got into this knowin’ the risks. We talked about it, weighed the pros and cons, and decided it was worth the risk to know at the end of it all, we’d made a difference. Dave made a difference.” He shrugged. “And I’d like to think I’m makin’ a difference. I’ll go on doin’ what I do, to honor him and his life.”

  “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” Trey said as he crossed his booted feet. “I’d like to pay for his kids’ college education.”

  Derek’s mouth fell open. Trey had always been generous with his family and friends, but this was totally unexpected. “You can’t be serious.”

  “Damn straight I’m serious.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. “What’s more, I’d like to set up a scholarship in Dave’s name at the university. That place was a big part of all of our lives. It helped shape us into the men we are today. I think it would be a good way to make sure that the kids there remember it’s not always about how much money you have in the bank at the end of it all, but what you do with the time you’re given. Dave didn’t have a lot of time to walk this earth, but he sure as hell made the most of it, right?”

  Derek nodded. It wasn’t often he was struck speechless, but he had no idea what to say or how to thank his friend for wanting to honor his brother this way. “Jesus, you’ve really caught me off guard, man. I don’t even know what to say, except thank you.” He extended his hand as he looked Trey in the eye. “I know Dave would be so honored and humbled by what you’re doin’.”

  Trey clasped his hand tight. “I’m the one who’s honored to be able to do it. At a time like this, people always say they wish they could do something to help. It makes me feel good knowin’ there is something I can do to help Dave’s kids, his family. If there’s anything else I can do… if they need help with expenses—”

  Derek raised his hand. “Dave had the insurance angle covered, but thanks.”

  “Okay.” He pushed off the table. “If you need to talk, you know I’m always just a phone call away, right?”

  “Yeah, I know that.” Derek smiled. “You know, sometimes we take our friends for granted. I don’t think I’ll ever make the mistake of doing that again. You just reminded me that without guys like you in my life, I’d be lost.”

  Trey smiled and tipped his cowboy hat. “I feel the same way, buddy. Hey, you still gonna be around when I get back next month?”

  “I don’t know, maybe.”

  “If you are, we’ll have you over to the house for dinner.”

  “I’d love that. Thanks again, Trey.”

  Derek watched his friend walk away, and he was reminded that, in spite of the years he’d spent in Arkansas, Nashville would always be his home.

  Josh passed Trey on the way out to the patio and the two men exchanged a few words before shaking hands.

  “You doin’ okay, buddy?” Josh asked Derek.

  He’d been asked that question repeatedly since he learned about Dave’s death, but he still hadn’t figured out how to respond or what people expected him to say. How could he be okay when he just lost his brother? “I don’t know. I still feel kinda numb, to tell you the truth.”

  Josh claimed one of the cedar chairs lining the patio. “I can imagine. It must have come as a hell of a shock.”

  Derek knew it shouldn’t have. They all lived with the fear of getting that phone call since Dave enlisted more than twenty years ago, but he supposed time eased their apprehension, giving them a false sense of security. “Yeah, you never expect it. Even though you know you should.”

  “You think that’s how your family feels about what you do?” Josh asked, tipping his head back to let the sun warm his face. “You think they hold their breath every time the phone or doorbell rings? You imagine your mama goes to bed every night prayin’ it won’t be your last?”

  Derek gripped the iron banister as he felt his fury rising. “You tryin’ to lay a guilt-trip on me, man? ‘Cause trust me, now’s not the time.”

  “Isn’t it?” Josh asked as he folded his arms over his chest. “I happen to think it’s the perfect time. I just had a long talk with your mama. She’s a wreck over what happened to Dave. You gonna let her go through that again? You gonna make her bury another son?”

  “You son of a bitch,” Derek said, unable to believe what he was hearing. If anyone should understand what being a cop meant to him, it was his former partner. “What the hell gives you the right to come out here and start makin’ judgement calls?”

  “You and I have been like brothers for the better part of three decades, man. You’ve been there through it all. You told me what I needed to hear, even when I didn’t want to hear it. I’m just returnin’ the favor.”

  Derek sank down on one of the benches flanking the table. “What are you tryin’ to say? You think I should quit because I could get killed in the line of duty, like my brother did? You know I’m not a quitter.”

  Josh smirked. “If you meant to imply that I am, your insult missed its mark. I don’t miss the force, and I’m not sorry I walked away. I got to watch my boys grow up. Now I’m watchin’ Aiden and Brianna grow up. I wouldn’t have missed out on that for anything.”

  Derek dropped his head in his hands. He didn’t want to insult his best friend, and he didn’t want to argue with him. He knew Josh was just looking out for him. “Look, you know I love bein’ a cop. It’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do, and I’m good at it, damn good.”