Derek tipped his head back and closed his eyes. He didn’t know which was worse, knowing your wife was in love with another man or being that other man and being powerless to act on it. “Man, this whole situation is so messed up.”

  Josh shrugged. “Not anymore. Now, you finally have a chance to get it right. You and Ashley can be together. There’s nothin’ standin’ in your way anymore.”

  Derek smirked. “If only that were true. I went to Jimmy’s last night and ran into Heather. Remember her from high school?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Anyways, your boys were there. Mike took a pic of me and Heather together and emailed it to Ashley to prove to her that I was a worthless piece of shit.”

  “That little…” Josh shook his head. “I’ll talk to him.”

  “I already did, this mornin’ at the police station. It didn’t do any good. He doesn’t want me to be a part of his mother’s life, and Jay obviously feels the same way.”

  “What about Ashley? How does she feel?”

  “She doesn’t want to alienate her kids. I can’t blame her for that.”

  Josh leaned back in his chair. “So, where does that leave you two?”

  “I’ll be damned if I know, man.”

  “Listen, Lexi and I are havin’ a birthday party for Ash here this weekend. It’s a surprise. You should come.”

  “I don’t think Mike and Jay would appreciate that.”

  “Too damn bad. It’s not their house or their decision. We want you here. Ashley would want you here. What do you say? You game?”

  Derek shrugged. “Why not? What else have I got to lose?”

  Chapter Eight

  Three days had passed since Derek showed up on her doorstep and Ashley was beginning to wonder whether he’d decided to return to Arkansas without saying good-bye. She knew Josh and Lexi would know his whereabouts, but she couldn’t bring herself to call and ask. Instead, she wasted away the hours reading, gardening, shopping, surfing the Internet, and cooking delicious meals for one, even though she didn’t have the appetite to eat them.

  Her sons had been uncharacteristically quiet as well, and she knew they were still angry about the conversation they’d overheard the day of Dave’s funeral. She wished there was something she could do to spare them the pain of knowing their mother had been in love with a man who wasn’t their father, but the damage was done, and she couldn’t take it back. She didn’t even want to take it back. They weren’t children anymore. It was time for them to accept the fact that their mother was a woman with the same feelings and desires as other women her age.

  Ashley looked in the mirror above her bathroom sink. She was another year older today, but no closer to the life she’d envisioned for her twilight years. Maybe this was all she could hope to expect: a big empty bed, dinners for one, and the echo of a near-vacant house. She couldn’t help but wonder if karma was repaying her for her betrayal all those years ago.

  The telephone in her bedroom rang and she ran in to answer it. She’d been secretly hoping Derek would remember her birthday, but when she saw Josh’s number flash across the screen, she realized that was probably too much to hope for.

  Trying to inject some enthusiasm into her voice, she cleared her throat as she picked up the cordless phone. “Hello.”

  “Hiya, birthday girl,” Lexi said.

  Ashley and Lexi had become close in recent years. It was difficult not to like a woman who’d embraced her children as though they were her own, all the while respecting Ashley’s role as their mother.

  “Hi, Lex. How’s it going?” She sank down on the bed and glanced out at the empty pool. The fence remained unfinished, thanks to her errant contractor. If she were smart, she would’ve taken Derek up on his offer to fix it the other day instead of running him off with the mention of her friend.

  “What are your plans for the day? Sierra, Marisa, Avery, Nikki, and I want to take you out for lunch.”

  It was nice to have friends who cared, though she didn’t feel much like socializing. Getting older hardly seemed worth celebrating, especially when you were facing the prospect of getting older all alone.

  “I don’t know. Bill’s taking me out for dinner later. He managed to get those tickets to the Reba concert. That should be fun.” She loved Reba, but the thought of another evening in Bill’s company after spending just a few minutes in Derek’s strong arms was anticlimactic, to say the least.

  “Listen, why don’t we plan to have a little fun today? Just the girls. We’ll do a spa day; then we’ll do a little shopping to help you find a killer outfit for tonight. What do you say?”

  It beat the alternative, sitting around the house feeling sorry for herself. “Sure. Why not?”

  Lexi giggled. “That’s the spirit. I’ll round up the girls and text you with the details in a bit, okay?”

  “Sounds good.” She replaced the phone in its cradle. At least she had something to take her mind off Derek for a little while.

  Ashley eased her car into a parking spot at the upscale restaurant Lexi had chosen for lunch. They indulged in the works at the spa: manicures, pedicures, facials, massages, hair, and make-up. Ashley had subjected her poor credit card to a rare beating and worked up a serious appetite at the shoe boutique before they all agreed it was finally time for a quick bite before Ashley headed home to get ready for her date tonight.

  Once the ladies were settled at a large, round table in a semiprivate room, Lexi said, “Okay, I can’t stand it anymore. Tell us what’s going on with Derek.”

  Four pairs of expectant eyes shifted to her, and Ashley resisted the urge to squirm in her seat. “There’s not much to tell. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in days.”

  Lexi sighed. “Why not? Now that he’s home, I thought you two would have a chance to reconnect.”

  She’d like nothing more than to reconnect with Derek, but he seemed to have other ideas. “Jay and Mike have been giving him a hard time. I think they scared him off.”

  Avery laughed. “I can assure you, my brother-in-law doesn’t scare that easily.”

  Ashley knew Avery was right. If he really wanted to be with her, nothing would keep him away. Since he hadn’t made another attempt to reach out to her, she had to assume it was because he decided it wasn’t worth the aggravation of pursuing a relationship with her.

  “We had an argument when he found out about Bill.” She took a sip of water to coat her dry throat. “I haven’t heard from him since.”

  “Josh said he was offered a job as chief of investigative services right here in Nashville,” Lexi said. “Did he mention that?”

  “I knew there was an offer pending.” If he was considering a future in Nashville, that kind of offer would seem like an irresistible lure. “Did he accept?”

  “Apparently, he’s still considering his options,” Lexi said.

  Ashley tried to suppress her disappointment. “I’m sure he’ll make the right decision.”

  “Do you want him to stay?” Sierra asked, bringing her water glass to her lips.

  “I want him to do what’s right for him.”

  Marisa rolled her eyes. “We didn’t ask for the politically correct response. We want to know whether you still have feelings for the man.”

  Sierra nudged her sister-in-law. “Back off. If Ashley wants to confide in us, she will.”

  If her friends could help her put this situation into perspective, she was more than willing to listen to their advice. “The truth is… I’d love for Derek to stay, but I’m not sure that’s what he wants.”

  “He wants you,” Lexi said. “There’s no doubt in my mind about that. He’s always wanted you.”

  All of her friends knew about her history with Derek, the good, the bad, and the ugly. “I want him, too, but we’ve been apart a lifetime. How do we know we’re even compatible anymore?”

  Sierra smiled. “I asked myself the same thing when Trey came back into my life. I wasn’t the same person after the separation and neither was he. But the one thing that hadn’t changed was the way we felt about each other. I still loved him and he still loved me. I suspect the same is true for you and Derek.”

  Ashley decided there was no point trying to hide her feelings from her friends. They’d each had difficult journeys on the path to finding their soul mate. If anyone would understand what she was going through, they would.

  “I do still love him, but my kids are still so angry and resentful about what happened when Josh and I were married. I don’t think they’re ever going to get past that. I keep asking myself, is it fair to subject Derek to that kind of open hostility for the rest of his life? Is that a price he’d be willing to pay just to be with me?”

  Lexi set her menu down on top of her plate. “Based on everything Josh has told me, Jay and Mike loved Derek back in the day. They respected him. They’re not little kids anymore, Ash. Given the chance, maybe they could forgive him and begin to forge the kind of relationship they used to have.”

  Nothing would make her happier than seeing her sons love and respect Derek the way they once had, but given their current attitude toward him, it was difficult to imagine that happening any time soon. “I want that, but who knows how long it might take, assuming it would ever happen. Is it fair to ask Derek to put up with their B.S. in the meantime?”

  Sierra looked her in the eye. “Is it fair to allow him to go back to Arkansas believing that you don’t love him anymore?”

  Avery chimed in, fixing her with an intense stare. “Or that you don’t think he’s worth fighting for? You gave up on him once. Are you really going to make the same mistake again?”

  Ashley couldn’t help but feel her friends were ganging up on her. She’d been counting on their support. Instead, it seemed they were supporting Derek. “Derek was the one who chose to move to Arkansas. He left; I didn’t.”

  “Did you ever think about going to Arkansas to see him?” Marisa asked.

  She’d thought about it dozens of times over the years, but she’d never found the courage to act on it. “I’ve thought about it.”

  “We’re moms,” Marisa said. “We know you’d lay down your life for Jay or Mike without giving it a second thought, but when do you stop living your life for them? You’ve been there for them their entire lives. You’re still there for them, but when do you get a chance at the life you want… the life you deserve?”

  Ashley had been asking herself that question ever since Derek arrived in town. Was she short-changing herself and Derek, putting Jay and Mike first? Was it fair to any of them to give her sons that kind of power over her life? “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose my kids.”

  Avery grasped her hand. “You’re always going to be their mother. Even if they don’t support your decision, they’re never going to stop loving you.”

  She blinked back the tears welling in her eyes when she thought about how empty her life would be without them. “Can I get that in writing?”

  Sierra squeezed her other hand. “Hey, you deserve to be happy. Your kids may not get that right now, but they will, in time. They’ll see how happy you and Derek are together and they’ll support your decision to be with him.”

  Ashley wasn’t convinced. Jay and Mike were their father’s sons: opinionated, determined, and relentless. “I don’t know. I want to believe you’re right, but it’s a risk I’m not sure I’m willing to take.”

  “Have you tried talking to them?” Marisa asked.

  She thought about calling them and asking them to come over so they could clear the air, but she was afraid of fueling the fire that was already raging. “They overheard something at the funeral… something that hurt them… disappointed them.”

  Lexi looked at her under the veil of her lashes and Ashley knew that her ex-husband had confided in his wife about the conversation his sons overheard that day.

  There was no sense keeping the rest of her friends in the dark. “Jay and Mike heard me admit to their father that I’d been in love with Derek throughout our marriage.”

  The women exchanged a glance before looking down at their plates, obviously at a loss as to how to respond. Lexi was Josh’s wife. Her loyalty lay with him, first, last, and always.

  Ashley cleared her throat. “I guess now you understand why they feel I betrayed their father. It wasn’t just the fact that Derek and I slept together… I was still in love with him for all those years.”

  Sierra shook her head. “I can’t even imagine how difficult that must have been for you, honey. When Trey and I reconnected, I was just engaged to another man, and the thought of committing to him, given the way I felt about Trey, was inconceivable. To feel the way you did about Derek for so many years… especially when he was a part of your daily lives… it must have been torture.”

  “That’s one word for it,” Ashley said. “I loved Josh and I loved my kids. I didn’t want to do anything to hurt them or destroy my family, but I was in love with Derek.”

  “I remember the connection you and Derek had back in college.” Sierra smiled. “It was so obvious to everyone how much he loved you. There were times when I was a little jealous.”

  “That’s what I don’t understand,” Avery said. “How the hell did you guys lose that?”

  Ashley sighed. “Sometimes I think if we were more mature, if we knew how to communicate, we would never have split, but we were so young and inexperienced. He wanted to go out and have fun with his friends, and I just wanted to be with him. Maybe if we could have found a way to compromise… if we had realistic expectations of each other… I don’t know. Maybe we’d still be together.”

  “Every relationship goes through growing pains, Ash,” Avery said. “But with you and Derek, the decision you made at that time made it impossible for you to work through them.” She held her hand up when Ashley sought to defend herself. “I’m not blaming you. I understand why you turned to Josh. He was a friend, he was there to support you, and he made you feel special at a time when Derek was making you feel unimportant.”

  “Exactly,” Ashley whispered.

  “But maybe you should’ve tried talking to him about it,” Marisa said. “I can understand why you made those mistakes back in college, but it seems to me you guys are making the same mistakes again. You’re shutting down when you should be talking to each other about how you feel.”

  Ashley couldn’t deny that her friend was right. Whoever said that wisdom comes with age was obviously much wiser than she was when it came to matters of the heart.

  “Not only that, but you’re turning to someone else to make you feel special when you should be turning to Derek,” Lexi said.

  “Excuse me?” Ashley asked.

  “Bill represents what Josh did back in the day. He’s the guy to make you feel special because the guy you really want isn’t giving you what you need.”

  Ashley lowered her head, embarrassed to acknowledge the truth behind that statement.

  “Let Bill go,” Lexi whispered. “That’s the only way you and Derek can begin to find your way back to each other.”

  Ashley nodded. It was obvious what she had to do. “I will. I’ll tell him tonight.”

  “Speaking of tonight, Josh and I want to have you over to the house for cake and coffee. Jay and Mike are going to be there. It might give you a chance to talk to them about Derek,” Lexi said.

  Ashley knew she couldn’t put it off forever. Her sons needed to know that she was finally ready to take her life back.

  Chapter Nine

  Derek walked into his parents’ house and was assailed by the scent of fresh-baked cinnamon rolls. That aroma always reminded him of Sunday morning breakfast when he was a kid. His mama would treat them to her famous cinnamon rolls before they left for church. They were young and innocent back then. Their only concern was who was going to win the football game that afternoon. Now they had to figure out how a broken family could begin to heal when they’d lost one of their own.

  His mother looked up from the needlepoint she was working on at the kitchen table when he walked in. She smiled. “There you are. We haven’t seen much of you these past few days.”

  He wanted to stop by, but he knew he didn’t have the words to ease their pain. No one did. “Hey, Mama. What’re ya workin’ on?”

  She held the small piece of fabric at arm’s length. “Just a pillow for the church bake and craft sale.” She set it down on the table with a heavy sigh. “You know what they say about idle hands.”

  He sat down across from her. “Does it help… to stay busy, I mean?”

  She shrugged. “I can’t say it does, but the alternative is to curl up in a ball and refuse to face another day without him. I know he wouldn’t want us to do that.”

  “No, he wouldn’t.” Derek reached for his mama’s hand. “Dave loved you guys so much.”

  She rewarded him with a wobbly smile. “He was a good son. We were so proud of him.”

  Derek kissed her hand. Her skin was a cold, transparent layer covering bones that seemed more prominent than the last time he held her hand. It reminded him that his parents weren’t getting any younger. Living in Arkansas, his visits weren’t as frequent as he would’ve liked. When it was his parents’ turn to leave them, he’d hate to think he wasted precious time he could’ve spent with them.

  “Dave was proud of you guys too, Mama. He told me all the time. You and Dad taught him the meaning of hard work, patriotic pride, and most of all, how to be a good husband and father. I think he was most grateful for that gift.”

  She squeezed Derek’s hand. “I want you to have what Dave found with Christine, honey. You deserve that.”

  Derek shrugged. His mother had enough to deal with; the last thing he wanted was to add his problems to hers. “It’ll happen, when the time is right.”

  “You can’t wait for tomorrow. Your brother just reminded us that tomorrow may never come.”

  He knew his mother was right. He couldn’t continue waiting for his life to begin. “I’ve been doin’ a lot of soul searchin’ since I got that call about Dave.”