I knew what he felt.

  And I knew he could hear what I hadn’t said.

  He’d likely tasted the fear radiating from me.

  Calming the whirling essence in me, I backed away and neared the wall. “You said he could sense Sotoria. He woke up or…became aware when I was born.”

  “He would have,” Seraphena confirmed.

  Turning, I went to the window. The sun had long since risen. I breathed in and then slowly let the breath out. Suddenly, something Seraphena had said earlier came back to me.

  “Hold on, I’m related to Callum?”

  “Yeah.” Seraphena drew out the word. “We may never have a family reunion,” she said sardonically. “For obvious reasons.”

  What in the actual fuck? I stared at the trees but really didn’t see them. Callum? My…my brother? Absolutely not. He wasn’t anything to me. While I may have been Sotoria, I wasn’t her. I wasn’t.

  “And here I thought Malik would make family dinners awkward,” Casteel muttered.

  The comment eased some of the tension building in me, and a laugh burst free. “You have—” It hit me, and I spun around. “I look like Sotoria. Unless Callum has a really poor memory, that means he knows who I am—or was.”

  “He would.”

  Stunned, I slowly shook my head. “He’s been around me.”

  “And he never said anything?” she asked. “Gave any indication?”

  “No. I mean, I don’t think so. We didn’t have long conversations.” I racked my brain for any clues he could’ve given me and couldn’t come up with any. But that could be because my head felt like it really couldn’t handle any more information. “He was always…amicable toward me.”

  Casteel huffed. “He has a way of being infuriating while being civil.”

  “True.” I paused. “I did kill him once for annoying me.”

  Seraphena laughed. “That makes my heart happy to hear.”

  That was kind of disturbing.

  But so was the fact that her statement made me grin.

  I turned back to the window, thinking about the last time I’d seen Callum. It was at the Bone Temple, and I’d thought he looked surprised when Isbeth seemingly chose to sacrifice Malec. But perhaps I’d read his expression wrong. It was kind of hard to see when his face was painted. I thought about what Holland had said regarding those aiding Isbeth having different end goals.

  Why had he never said anything? The question fed a part of me that wanted to deny what Seraphena said. The same part that wanted to ignore that she couldn’t tell an outright lie.

  Sipping the sherry, I resisted the urge to bang my head off the window. “How did I not know I was…reborn? I’ve never had a single memory of another life—or lives.”

  “You probably did as a child, but they faded as you got older,” Seraphena said. “At least, that’s what Ione said.”

  My heart jolted in surprise at the Goddess of Rebirth’s name. It was surreal to be here with Seraphena and hear her speak about other gods who always seemed more like fables to me. “You talked to her about me?”

  “I did. I wanted to know if you would remember your past lives.”

  Knowing what I did now about Kolis, I had a feeling it was a blessing I didn’t remember anything.

  Still, a part of me needed to know.

  I drew in a breath that felt too thin. “Ian said that Kolis’s appearance frightened Sotoria, causing her…” My brows lowered as a strange memory surfaced—a village and screams. I shook my head. “Causing her to run. And she fell. It sounded like an accident.”

  “It was.”

  “I cannot believe she ran off a cliff,” I muttered.

  “I had a hard time believing it myself. But what I didn’t fully appreciate then was that the gods were very much present in the mortals’ lives in Sotoria’s time. Being terrified of the Primal of Death would have been a normal reaction.”

  I guessed so. “The second time she died…she was pushed to take her life?”

  Seraphena hesitated. “Yes.”

  My eyes closed. I wished I couldn’t imagine what had been done to someone to drive them to such an act, but I could. Imprisonment. Loss of choice. Assault. The end of hope.

  “She didn’t die by her own hand, though,” Seraphena said, and my eyes opened. “She managed to speak with Eythos and asked him to end her life.”

  “And he agreed?” Casteel asked.

  “He did. I think he had an idea of how to help Sotoria by then.”

  “Or try to,” I corrected. “It sounds like Kolis always found her.” I rested my forehead against the cool window, searching every part of my being for an emotional connection to this past. The horror. “I…don’t feel anything.”

  “What do you mean?” Casteel’s voice was closer.

  “I don’t feel anything I should when I think of her and what she experienced—what I experienced.” I sighed, realizing how that sounded. “I mean, I feel anger and sadness, but it’s what I would feel for anyone in such a situation. It doesn’t feel…”

  “Personal?” Seraphena finished for me.

  I nodded.

  “Ione explained that while you may look like Sotoria, and your soul is hers, you are your own person,” she explained. “You may share certain characteristics with your past—dislikes or hobbies—but you have your own memories and your own distinct personality based on the life you are living now. Not hers. So, it makes sense that it doesn’t feel personal.”

  I closed my eyes as a measure of relief swept through me. After feeling like I’d just begun finding myself, I didn’t want to be told that I was someone else. But the relief was short-lived. “But to Kolis…”

  “He will see you as Sotoria.” She confirmed what I knew already.

  The rush of icy fury that rolled off Casteel caused my heart to skip. I turned to him without conscious thought, our gazes locking.

  “Then I will take his eyes, and he will see nothing,” he gritted out. “That, I promise you.”

  My breath snagged as his roughly spoken words lingered in the space between us, seeming to ink themselves on my flesh and carve their way into my bones, becoming an unbreakable bond.

  “Careful with promises,” Seraphena warned. “A vow made by a Primal cannot be broken, and I have no idea if that applies to either of you.”

  I had a feeling it did.

  “That’s okay.” A cool, shadowy smile curled one side of his lips. “I have every intention of fulfilling that vow.”

  My heart thumped as I fought to stop the trickle of fear that threatened to grow into a tidal wave. We weren’t dealing with an Ascended or a demis. We were talking about the true Primal of Death.

  Seraphena’s mind seemed to go where mine had. “A newly Ascended Primal has weaknesses. If wounded severely enough, they can be put into stasis. And if the damage is substantial, a fledgling Primal can be killed. That’s true for the three of you.”

  “But we’re Joined,” I said. “As long as I—” My body flashed cold as knowledge slithered into my thoughts. “No.”

  Seraphena exhaled heavily as Casteel frowned. “What?” he asked.

  “A true Primal of Death can break any bond,” she said. “If you were to fall to him in battle, it would sever the bond. They would not die.”

  Cas stiffened as understanding dawned. A trickle of fear became a steady stream. “And if he went after Cas or Kieran?” I asked, even though I knew better. “Would they still be protected.”

  Seraphena took another breath. “If either of them dies by his hand or will, the Joining won’t protect either of you. It would be like it never existed. He would be able to kill them.”

  CHAPTER 39

  CASTEEL

  I was having an out-of-body experience.

  You’re Sotoria.

  The words Seraphena had spoken to Poppy slammed into me like a bolt of lightning to the chest, splitting me in two.

  I was listening, taking in information and communicating, but half of me was reeling with disbelief, the floor feeling as if its very foundation was on wheels. I struggled to make sense of what she’d said, trying to understand how it was possible.

  But my other half heard the fucking truth in her words, and a rage I’d never felt before built inside me, encasing my bones in icy wrath. Things clicked into place. Reaver and Attes’s caginess. What that fuck had said when he was inside Teerman and the grul, and…

  For some damn reason, I thought about what Aydun had said. Not the bullshit about rejecting heartmates or destroying the realms or her, but the part about having faith in our union. Was that why he’d said that shit? Because of…who she used to be?

  And what that meant?

  My jaw clenched as I directed my attention back to them. I understood what had gone mostly unsaid.

  He would see her as the one he’d been obsessed with for only the gods knew how long. The girl he’d inadvertently killed, then stole his brother’s essence to have. The woman he’d ripped eternal peace from. The object of his twisted desires that he’d kept caged and likely committed unknown atrocities upon.

  I knew—fucking gods, I knew—he wanted that.

  She was his agenda.

  His motivation.

  His goal.

  But she was mine.

  “If he goes after you or Kieran,” Poppy said, her voice hoarse, “the Joining won’t protect either of you. He can kill you.”

  The thick, heavy bitterness of fear and anxiety lodged in my throat, and my heart rate skyrocketed.

  Poppy.

  Those were her emotions choking me. The chaotic rush of my thoughts ground to a halt as I looked at her—really saw her. Suddenly, I no longer felt split into halves. I was whole, and every part of me was focused on Poppy.

  Her chest rose and fell rapidly, her breaths quick, shallow pants. The blood had drained from her face, making her freckles and scars stand out starkly. Her mouth opened and closed as her lashes fluttered.

  I’d never seen her like this.

  Ever.

  I stepped closer. “Poppy?”

  “I think my lungs…have stopped working.”

  It had never been so easy to pack up my shit and put it aside. I was before her in a heartbeat. Taking the glass from her fingers, I set it on a nearby end table and clasped her cheek, guiding her eyes to mine. “Your lungs are working just fine,” I told her. “Just focus on your breathing. You need to slow it down.”

  Her lower lip quivered, and I felt the eather in her rise violently. “I can’t feel myself breathe.”

  Shit.

  “It helps to count to four between each breath,” Seraphena said from behind me. “Inhale. Hold for four. Exhale for four.”

  I nodded and wrapped Poppy’s much smaller hand in mine, drawing her palm to my chest. I didn’t think she heard anything Seraphena had said. “Count with me, my Queen. Take a deep breath with me and hold it for four. Okay?”

  Eyes impossibly wide, she nodded jerkily.

  “Inhale,” I said, taking a slow, deep breath as she took hers. I concentrated on her mark, finding the earthy warmth that was all her. “Now, hold.” One. Two. Three. Four. “And exhale.”

  Poppy exhaled.

  One. Two. Three. Four. “Inhale.”

  She obeyed as I ran my thumb over the top of her hand. We did that until her heart slowed and some of the color returned to her face. It could’ve been seconds or minutes. It didn’t matter.

  I kept her hand against my chest and my other on her cheek. “Better?”

  “Yes,” she croaked.

  “Good. Because I want you to hear this. You won’t lose us, Poppy.”

  Ether pierced the blue and green hues in her irises, leaving the blotch of brown unmarked. “He’s the true Primal of Death—”

  “Doesn’t matter who or what he is.” I smoothed my thumb over her cheek. “I won’t let him hurt any of us. Neither will Kieran. But, most importantly, you won’t.”

  A tremor ran through her as she pressed her lips together.

  My heart twisted sharply. “Right?”

  “Right,” she repeated softly.

  My stomach tightened. “Poppy,” I said, dropping my forehead to hers. I found the cord that connected us. Nothing, absolutely nothing, has kept us apart. Weakened us. Not my dumb shit. Not the Blood Crown’s armies. Not Alastir and the Unseen. Not Isbeth. We are strong. Fucking unbreakable. There is nothing I won’t do for you. There isn’t anything you won’t do for me. And the same goes for Kieran.

  I know, came her whisper.

  I held her stare. We won’t leave you, Poppy. We will not fall. Especially not to that fuckboy of a Primal.

  “Fuckboy?” she gasped out loud.

  “Yeah. Fuckboy.”

  A hoarse laugh left her as her thick lashes swept down. “I panicked. All I could think about was losing you—either of you.”

  “I know, sweetheart.” That earned me a quick upturn of her lips. “But we’ve got this.”

  She exhaled slowly. “We do.”

  I searched her gaze. “You remember, right? What you are? Fearless.”

  She inhaled, the trembling fading. “I run from nothing.”

  I smiled. “And no one.”

  Poppy closed her eyes. “Thank you.”

  “No need to thank me.”

  She took a deep breath and moved. I didn’t want to let her go but thought she needed to stand on her own. And I had to let her.

  “I’m sorry,” she started, too much color returning to her cheeks. “I’ve never had anything like that happen before.”

  “It’s okay. I know how you felt. Really.” Seraphena slowly sat. “I often have times when I can’t control my anxiety. It’s like I lose control of where my mind goes, and my body decides to feel like it’s trying to kill me.”

  Poppy nervously toyed with the clasps on her vest. “Really?”

  Seraphena nodded with a smile. “It’s how I knew the breathing technique. I’ve lost count of how many times Ash has had to use it on me.”

  I watched as Poppy fell silent. Her breathing was normal, her heart rate slow, but I could still pick up the lingering taste of embarrassment and the faint metallic taste of doubt. I wanted to get her out of here. My gaze went to Seraphena.

  Meeting my stare, she gave me a barely discernible nod. I started to relax.

  “I’m about to say something that will upset you both,” Seraphena said.

  There went the slight feeling of ease. My jaw clenched.

  She placed her hands on her knees, and my stomach twisted when her gaze slid to me. “And I’m going to need you to remain calm.”

  “I’m calm,” I replied coolly, receiving a look of doubt from Seraphena.

  “He is.” Poppy stepped forward.

  “Okay.” She tapped her fingers on her knees. “There is a reason Eythos believed Sotoria would be able to kill Kolis—the reason I couldn’t, and why I said only you can. It is the Primal’s weakness. Love.”

  I stiffened, my mind immediately going to something Isbeth had said. Shit. Not just her. Millicent also.

  “Love,” Poppy repeated, and Seraphena nodded. “You’re telling me Casteel would be able to kill me because I love him? That love is my weakness?”

  Seraphena’s eyes met mine. “That’s what I’m saying.”

  “That is…” I shook my head as incredulity gave way to anger. “That’s utter bullshit.”

  Seraphena grinned, but it was brief. “You know it’s true. The vadentia should confirm it.”

  “Yeah, but it doesn’t change that it’s still, as he said, bullshit.” Poppy’s face scrunched up. “I can’t believe that’s the other way to kill a Primal.”

  “Primals were never meant to love. They were to be beyond such…mortal needs and desires and, therefore, unable to be swayed one way or another by such emotions,” she said. “But a long time ago, during Eythos’s reign as the Primal of Life, and before his brother betrayed him, a Primal did the unthinkable and fell in love.”

  “The unthinkable?” Poppy muttered, crossing her arms.

  “Unthinkable to the Arae, at least.”

  Poppy rolled her eyes. “Of course, they are involved in this.”

  “Supposedly, the discovery that a Primal could love was one of the times they decided to intervene in fate.” Seraphena lifted her shoulders. “They worried that love, held within the heart of a Primal, could become a weapon.”

  “Love can’t become…” Poppy trailed off, then shook her head. “It’s not love that becomes the weapon. It’s the Primal because of their love.”

  “Is there really a difference?” Seraphena countered. “Either way, the Fates intervened, thinking that if falling in love could destroy a Primal, they would be less likely to do so.”

  “And how did that work out for them?” I lifted a brow.

  “Not great, since many still fell in love,” she replied. “But from the moment the first Primal did, each one does, knowing that the one they cherish above all others could become the sword to end their existence.”

  “That’s messed up,” Poppy murmured. “Why wouldn’t the vadentia tell me this?”

  “Likely for the same reason the Arae made it so. Balance.”

  Poppy’s eyes rolled. “Well, Casteel would never harm me,” she said. “So…whatever.”

  “I would hope not,” she replied, her gaze sliding to me. “Because if he did, he would not live for long afterward.”

  Poppy blinked.

  “If I ever hurt her, you wouldn’t have to worry about coming after me.”

  “Good.” Seraphena inclined her head. “You don’t sound surprised by that.”

  “I’m not.”

  Poppy whirled on me. “You’re not?”

  I felt tension forming brackets around my mouth. “Isbeth said something about never wanting the weakness Primals had. I didn’t understand until Millicent mentioned it.”

  “And you didn’t tell me?” Poppy reached over and pushed me slightly, earning a raised brow from Seraphena.

  I easily caught her hand and pulled her to my chest, wrapping an arm around her waist. She stared at me for several minutes, squinting. “You’re not going to kill me.”