It wasn’t too late to take the words I’d said back.

  He pressed a finger inside me, stroked me gently, and it felt heavenly. But I couldn’t give in to his touch or his gentle kisses or the sex appeal he naturally oozed. I couldn’t keep getting lost in him. So instead I pushed at his chest. “Stop. We need to talk,” I muttered.

  His fingers left me, and he pulled away. “Sure. What is it?”

  “It’s not good.”

  “Okay.”

  “I need to end this.”

  He sat straight up in bed. “What?”

  “I’m so happy you’re okay. Finn, I was worried today. But I also realized something while I waited here. I’m wrong for you.”

  “I don’t understand.” He stood and moved across my room. He grabbed one of my random books and started flipping through the pages. “Did I hit my head harder than I thought?”

  “No. You didn’t.” He looked too perfect in my room. Holding one of my favorite books in his strong fingers, touching the book the way I wished he was still touching me. He was too painful to watch, so I rolled over onto my side. I had a lot to say, a lot I needed to get through, and I didn’t need him seeing any of the tears I could feel burning behind my eyes already. “You’re fun. A great teacher of things. And a talented artist.”

  “I feel a giant ‘but’ coming after that statement.”

  “But I can’t keep seeing you. I’m all wrong for you.”

  “There it is. How are you wrong for me? Tell me.”

  First of all, I couldn’t leave the damn house to go see him when he was in the hospital. How was I supposed to be a good girlfriend if I couldn’t even do that? He needed someone to show up for him. Not someone with crippling anxiety. Another girl could take care of him, be there for him, and love him much better than me. He needed a real partner in life. Not a shell of a person.

  “Seriously Lou? Start explaining. Because from my point of view, we’re incredibly right together. I’m a better person with you. I was a little lost a couple weeks ago. I’m found with you. I think I help you, too. I hope I’m the silver lining to your illness.”

  I swallowed hard. My silver lining—I loved that. But he was never supposed to be this wonderful. When we agreed on two weeks, it was never meant to be this hard to say goodbye. “I lied,” I whispered. “I’ve always been in love with Nick. I thought if I dated someone, Nick might finally notice me. I thought you weren’t the type to fall in love. But you fell in love. And now I have to let you go.”

  I’d never felt anything but friendship for Nick. But I used Nick against Finn. I knew this lie was the only thing I could say to make him believe me. He’d be heartbroken. I could feel it. But he’d move on quickly. He said it before; he was always quick to find someone new. He’d find someone new before the week was over. Someone who could spend all day at the beach with him. Someone with her own credit card, driver’s license, and last name. Someone normal.

  Someone complete.

  “Fuck you, Lou,” were his last words. Gentle and crushing all at once. Then I had to listen to his footsteps across the floor and the door softly closing as he disappeared from my life forever. All I had left to do was to get Nick to find his phone and delete my voicemail before Finn ever heard it. Then all of this would be over. It would be like we never happened.

  I’d never felt so much pain in my life.

  But I knew I was making the right choice. For Finn.

  ~ CHAPTER 44 ~

  LOU

  I cried myself to sleep. Then I woke up sweating and uncomfortable. Miserable and alone. At four in the morning, ready to walk outside, ready to test myself and my limits, I went downstairs. I decided I couldn’t be this person forever. The library girl. The girl stuck inside her own cage. I planned on walking outside, just out on the porch, and conquering one of my fears tonight. But I slowed when I spotted Finn on Nick’s couch. He barely fit on it. Curled up, hanging half over the edge, with no blanket or pillow.

  He wasn’t sleeping.

  He saw me come downstairs.

  His eyes met mine across the gray, still room.

  “You didn’t leave?” My heart took off speeding. Had he seen through my crap and stayed for me? For a split second, that was what I hoped for.

  “My car and phone are both at work. As soon as it’s morning, I’ll walk.”

  “Oh.” Of course. He’d be gone already if it weren’t for that.

  The tension between us was so constricting that my lungs struggled to do their job. He moved to sit up. He rubbed his hands over his thighs.

  “Get over here,” he muttered

  What? Against good judgement, I took one shaky step in his direction. Followed by another. Then another. In front of him now, he stood. His hands grabbed my face. He kissed me. Gently. Carefully. But with the same confidence he always kissed me with. I couldn’t tell if he was mad or hurt or toying with me. I couldn’t tell because I was too distracted by his kiss. His kiss made the whole room foggy.

  His hands moved, and he worked his fingers under my t-shirt. He traced slowly over my stomach. Then he lifted the material and tossed that barrier between us aside. My mouth dropped open in surprise as his tongue moved down my body. I touched the top of his head and dug my fingers into his hair, letting him do as he pleased. I wanted to ask him what he was doing. Why he was doing it. But the words never formed on my tongue.

  Nor did they form when he took off my pants.

  Nor did they form when he slipped down his own.

  Nor did they form when he showed the entirety of the body God gave him.

  Without missing a beat, he hooked a hand under my thigh, and he positioned himself right at my entrance. Then he thrust inside me. Deep and hard. He felt so good—I had no power to resist this. We fell back onto the couch together. He wasn’t messing around. His approach was swift as a tiger as he pumped, steady and fast. He was relentless, his strokes sure. Then he pressed his thumb on my clit, circling gently, while he pounded into me like we were in some kind of race. The room was one dark, hazy blur, and I cried out when I started to come. I had no control over it. All the emotions of the night seemed to burst out from inside me. For a split second, the chaos of the world made sense. And nothing felt so scary while bliss rushed through my veins. Finn’s pleasure wasn’t far behind my own. He finished when he pulled out, letting his seed spill on my stomach.

  Seeing him like that.

  Seeing his face and this man on top of me.

  It was the hottest thing ever.

  Until, Christ, I realized we hadn’t used a condom that time.

  His hands went to my waist. This growl left his throat as he pulled me to my feet at the same time he stood. It was sexy as hell, but why had he made that noise? Had he noticed the condom thing, too? I wasn’t entirely sure. But my worry over it disappeared when he picked me up and carried me down the hall. I was close to my period; I knew we’d be fine.

  I was still feeling the afterglow from my orgasm, while Finn started digging through Nick’s bathroom looking for something. He found what he wanted. Condoms. Nick must have left some under the sink. Finn ripped the wrapper of one open and worked the rubber from the tip to the base, down over his hard and beautiful appendage.

  A shiver ran through me watching him. Seeing all of him again.

  We weren’t finished. Far from it.

  Anger, I decided—this was Finn angry with me.

  I didn’t blame him.

  “This doesn’t change anything,” I muttered when he flung open the shower curtain and started the water.

  “No, it doesn’t, honey. But I have until morning. So I’m not wasting a second of our time. Get in the fucking shower.”

  ~ CHAPTER 45 ~

  FINN

  If she loved Nick so much, why was she still fucking me? Because I had Lou over and over again in that bathroom. Then another couple times in her bedroom. We stopped only because we were both sweaty, wet, and exhausted. By that time, it was well past morning—pushing afternoon. But time was lost on me. I got dressed in my clothes from the day before. I used her phone to call Patrick to come pick me up.

  Then I touched her again on her bed while we waited for him. I touched her where I knew she had to be sore and raw. I moved over her tender flesh carefully. My intent wasn’t to make her come this time. I hardly knew why I couldn’t stop touching her. I just couldn’t stop. I couldn’t get my fill.

  The hair on the back of my neck prickled.

  “I still love you,” I muttered. “I’m still going to love you.”

  I moved to kiss that beautiful pussy of hers. And then I left. I walked away, heading outside, knowing Patrick probably hadn’t reached her driveaway yet. It didn’t matter. This was it. I had to go.

  In the hot air, I waited on my friend.

  I felt as if the air was suffocating me. If Lou wanted to continue things with me despite her feelings for Nick, last night had given her ample time to express those wishes. Instead, through it all, she’d kept her thoughts to herself. I could have pressed her for more questions, but I was tired of begging for answers. And now, as I waited for Patrick, I glanced back at her house. She could run out to me. Open a window and call for me to come back.

  Neither happened.

  “Damn, man,” Patrick said when he rolled up in his beat-up Honda—the same one he used to drive back in high school. He hung his head out of the window as he pulled into Lou’s driveway. “I heard you hit your head.”

  “I’m fine.” I walked toward the car.

  “You look like shit.”

  “I’m fine. It was just low blood sugar. Carelessness on my part.”

  “I’m glad you’re okay. I have your phone. I found it on the floor at work this morning.” He handed me my cell as I hopped inside the passenger side of his car. I had to push old takeout trash aside, barely finding a place for my ass on the seat. I glanced down at my cell in my hand, only to find it was about as dead as I felt at the moment.

  “Perfect.”

  “Sorry, I thought about charging it.”

  “It’s not that.” I slipped the phone in my pocket. “Lou broke up with me.”

  “Sorry, that sucks.”

  “She said she loves Nick.”

  “Amanda’s Nick.”

  “Same guy.”

  “God, I hate him.”

  “Yeah. Me too. Let’s go.”

  “Back to work? Or somewhere else?”

  “Anywhere else.”

  ~ CHAPTER 46 ~

  LOU

  I made it three steps outside before I had to race back in and slam the front door.

  “Well, that was better than the last time,” Nick declared.

  “Really good job, Lou,” Amanda added.

  With my hands trembling, I sat back down on the sofa. Not a chance that that was better than the last time I tried to step outside. Nick and Amanda were both just being polite.

  “No sign of Finn’s cell phone today then?” I muttered.

  “No. It’s not inside the shop,” Amanda answered. “I searched the whole place all over again.”

  “No sign of Finn, either?”

  “No. I’m sorry. He wasn’t there for the third day in a row now. John is stressed. He put out an ad for another artist online. We’ve had a few people submit job applications already. One guy applied all the way from Florida. I bet John could replace Finn by the end of the week if he needed to. Same goes for Patrick if he doesn’t show up again either.”

  Nick reached out and touched my knee. He knew I didn’t like to be touched, so his movement shocked me. “Don’t worry about Finn. Just about yourself. Maybe it’s time you saw a therapist. I’ve been seeing someone for my panic attacks. This doctor is really good. He’s been helpful already. I could make you an appointment and we can go together. Or we could find someone who does home visits. I bet there are social workers specifically for agoraphobia out there.”

  I brought my knees up to my chest. “I’m not worried about me. I just want to speak to Finn. I need to know he’s okay.”

  Nick sighed. “This was what I was trying to warn that asshole about,” he said through gritted teeth. “I fucking knew this would happen when you started seeing him. I knew he would leave.”

  “Nick,” Amanda muttered.

  “I fucking knew it.”

  I was about to jump to Finn’s defense—because all of this was my fault and not the other way around—when there was a knock at Nick’s front door. I held my breath as Nick stood up to go answer it. Unless Mrs. Jasmine had returned from Maine, which seemed impossible since she literally left for home two days before, then who else could it be besides Finn? I jumped up to go help Nick. I was right by my friend’s side as he opened the door.

  It was… a package.

  No. Not the mailman. But Finn with a package. He wore a white t-shirt paired with his dark-rimmed glasses. The pair I’d only seen on him once before. A small squeal left my lips before I leapt for the man. I knocked the box out of his hands as I jumped on him, wrapping my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. I kissed him. I was too caught up in the moment and too excited to contain myself. Just the sight of him had all these emotions running through me.

  Finn didn’t reciprocate.

  He seemed caught off-guard, hesitant, and cold.

  I broke from his mouth, mortified, with my legs around his waist.

  “Amanda—more baby stuff came!” Nick yelled, picking up the box at Finn’s feet. I thought for a moment Finn would let me slip back down to the ground. But instead, he squeezed me tighter, he buried his face in my hair, and he inhaled a deep breath. He held onto me. Even as Nick turned around back into the house. I was outside my safe zone. But with Finn holding me, for the moment it didn’t matter.

  “I knew your feelings for Nick were bullshit,” he whispered.

  He stepped with me into the house, shutting the door behind us. A little wobbly, I slipped from his arms and landed on my feet. “You didn’t hear my voicemail.”

  “What voicemail?”

  “The one I left you when you were in the hospital.”

  “No.” He tugged his phone out of his pocket, looking at the black screen. “What voicemail?”

  If he hadn’t heard my voicemail then what had brought him back here today? “Never mind about the voicemail.” Nick’s eyes were on me from across the room. I’d seen that look on his face many times. Skepticism. “What are you doing here?” My eyes moved back to Finn. God, I was embarrassed. And starting to feel the pain of losing him all over again.

  Finn breathed out carefully, taking his time with his words.

  So… he wasn’t here to beg for me to be his.

  And you just jumped him like an idiot.

  “You should probably delete that voicemail,” I added.

  “I’m not deleting anything.”

  “Okay. Why are you here?”

  He locked his hands behind his head before giving Amanda and Nick a sideways glance. “I guess I’m going to have to do this with an audience, then.”

  “Do what?”

  “Lou Lawrence.” He bent down to his knees and stared up at me. “I messed up.”

  “You fucked some other girl,” Nick interjected from across the room.

  “No. Shut the hell up, Nick.” Finn took a deep breath. His brown eyes were so sincere. “I messed up when we set boundaries for our relationship. I knew I wanted something more from the moment I heard your voice. I played along with the rules we made without telling you how I felt along the way. I never wanted two weeks. I never wanted to be your practice. I only ever wanted for it to be real. A real fucking relationship with no boundaries. I think if I was honest about how I felt from the start, you wouldn’t have walked away from me. And fuck Nick because I knew you weren’t into Nick.”

  “I’m sitting over here,” Nick muttered.

  “Shut up, Nick,” Amanda said for all of us.

  I knelt to the floor in front of Finn. “I want to be able to leave this house every day. Like any normal person would. But what if I never get better? What if you can’t take me to a bar or to a movie or on any sort of vacation? Like, ever?”

  “That doesn’t matter to me. It doesn’t.”

  “You were in the emergency room, and I couldn’t go to you.”

  Tears formed in my eyes.

  He inched closer to me. His hands moved to my face. The expression on his face softened. “There will be times it’s like that. But Nick and Amanda will help us in those moments.” His eyes never left mine, but he shouted, “Right, Nick?”

  “I mean, obviously.”

  “And we’re going to help them with the baby,” he added. “It’s what friends do for each other. It’s what family does for each other. Lou—be part of that with me. Let me love you.”

  “You sure you didn’t hear my voicemail?”

  “I need to hear that fucking voicemail. My phone has been dead for days now.”

  “Where have you been?”

  “With Patrick. We drove to D.C. and stayed with his sister the last couple nights. I checked out a few different tattoo parlors. I thought for a moment that if our thing was over then maybe it was time for me to find a new city. But I couldn’t shake the feeling it wasn’t over. It’s not over, right?”

  “No.”

  “Good.”

  Finn breathed out and stood to his feet. He tugged on my hand, helping me to my feet.

  Amanda gave us a little clap. “Yay. Ya’ll are too cute. And yes, Nick and I will need all the help we can get with this baby.” She touched her stomach.

  “I’m still skeptical,” Nick started, then quickly added, “but I’ll be more open-minded from here on out.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Thanks Nick.” I grabbed Finn’s hand and pulled him toward the stairs. I needed to speak to him in my room. Alone. Now. Everything he’d told me—and the room—had been exactly what I needed to hear. But it had been too polite—not Finn’s usual style. He had more to say. I could feel it.