I was allowing it because I didn’t feel like he would hurt me.

  That was probably a dumb assumption to make. I hardly knew him. But I assumed anyway.

  “Does this make it okay for you?” he muttered.

  “Yes.”

  “Good.” Finn smiled. And since he couldn’t see me, I let myself study his handsome face, the lines and edges, his brown hair, and the hints of red in the stubble on his face. I studied him until I realized I didn’t know his eye color. I had yet to meet his eyes.

  “What color are your eyes? I don’t know.”

  “Wouldn’t you like to know?” he said with this cocky grin. “No, I’m kidding, they’re just brown. Boring, generic, run-of-the-mill brown.”

  Finn hardly seemed ‘run-of-the-mill’ to me.

  “I want to touch you,” I whispered. I was close to his face, kneeling next to him.

  “Go for it.”

  I hesitated. “I don’t have much experience touching people. Nick’s mom hugged me when we left Maine. I think that was the first time in years I’d let anyone touch me. Nick knows not to. He wouldn’t dare hug me.”

  Finn breathed in carefully through his mouth.

  “That’s why I wanted to practice with you,” I admitted. “Maybe after our two weeks, it will help me pretend to be a bit more normal in the future. Maybe someday some guy will mistake me for normal.”

  Finn sat back on his heels, pulling away. He then moved so that he was sitting cross-legged on the floor. “Sit down here with me,” he instructed.

  I did. I sat in front of him. He had his bound hands resting in his lap. And I sat cross-legged facing them. “You know I’m going to help you in whatever way I can help you. But don’t assume all guys are looking for normal. Normal is boring and predictable. Some people are sick of boredom. So don’t just assume.”

  Was he implying he was sick of boredom?

  I thought on that for a minute until Finn said, “So touch me if you want. Practice on me. I’ll be your practice.”

  I giggled. Oh God, I giggled like an idiot. I quickly shut my mouth and tried to stifle it. But Finn heard, and he smiled because of it. He caught his lip in his mouth and bit down on the flesh. Oh wow. My body went hot. Like, burning hot.

  All I wanted in this moment was to touch him, in any way I could, and so I did. I gently let my fingertips glide against his forearms. His arms were hard with muscle, but his skin on the surface was soft and smooth. I found the combination intoxicating, exhilarating. I had an internal battle raging in my head. Part of my brain screamed no, and the other part screamed yes. I couldn’t silence either side. But even more overwhelming was some sort of primal need inside me starting to grow. My body demanded I get closer to him. That urge was impossible to silence. I untied his hands because I found that I didn’t need or want them tied. Then I moved to sit in his lap. I couldn’t believe my boldness as I did it, but I did it anyway. I straddled the man. I straddled him just the way I’d read in so many different books. Over his shirt, I touched the hard ripples of his thick chest. Finn was extremely still, letting me explore. After a few moments basking in a high I’d never known, I wrapped my arms around his neck. “Thank you,” I whispered. Then I let him go. I let him go, climbed off him, and moved to sit clear across the room.

  That had been all I could do, as far as I could go.

  ~ CHAPTER 16 ~

  FINN

  I was fairly sure Lou was a master of seduction. She might as well have just ridden me hard and then walked away smiling—because that was how out-of-control my heart was currently racing. That was how badly my body screamed. That was how fucking euphoric I felt. We got to talking about books, thank God, because otherwise I would have needed cold water dumped on my head after that.

  I learned she loved books. All of them. All genres. She was passionate about them. Collected them—or “rescued” them, as she phrased it. She said she’d brought tons with her when she moved here with Nick. “I hoard them,” she admitted. “I had this pet rat as a kid—Lily. I made Lily this little nest next to my bed. If I ever gave her anything shiny, or anything she was curious about, she’d take in her mouth and run with it back to her nest to hide it away. That’s how I feel about my books.”

  “I might be the same with my art supplies.” Yikes. Had I admitted that out loud? We didn’t need to go there. I stood up quickly even though I couldn’t see. “How late is it? It feels late.”

  I heard Lou move from the couch. “It’s after ten.”

  “I better go. I guess Nick never came home.”

  “He must be staying at Amanda’s tonight.”

  “Does he do that regularly?”

  “No, she usually stays over here.”

  “I wonder why the change.”

  “Maybe they wanted more privacy. Not that I ever leave my room when Nick has Amanda over. I still haven’t officially met Amanda.”

  “What if I stayed?”

  There was a long pause. The most uncomfortably long pause in the history of long pauses. And all I could do was stare into the blackness of my blindfold. So I added, “In my car. In the driveway. I’ll sleep out there, just so you aren’t alone in here.”

  “I’ve been on my own for a long time. I don’t need you to do that.”

  “What if I wanted to?” What the fuck was I saying? What were these ridiculous words popping out of my mouth? Sleep in her driveway? “I’m used to sleeping in strange places, in strangers’ beds,” I added. Dammit, mouth.

  “I’ll be fine.”

  “Right.” I shook my head, stepping in the direction I believed the front door to be. I immediately hit my shin on the coffee table. “Shit,” I cursed under my breath. “Where’s the door?”

  “I’ll show you.”

  She took my hand and led me in the direction of the door. I felt like the biggest idiot. Sleep in her fucking driveway? I’m used to sleeping in strangers’ beds. What the hell was wrong with me?

  “Thanks, Finn. I had a good night.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  One moment, I was blindfolded on one side of the door. The next I was on the other, alone, holding Lou’s old scarf in my hands. “I fucked that up,” I mumbled to myself, staring down at the worn and faded material of her scarf.

  For the first time in my life, I was entering into a relationship without the upper hand, and without knowing how to behave nor the right words to say. Usually, I only had to whisper a few dirty words in a woman’s ear, and I had her undressing and literally melting in my hand. Whatever this was with Lou—it was the opposite of that. She had me melting in her hands, and I couldn’t even begin to tell what Lou thought of me. Was I only her practice? A friend? An experiment? A fun distraction?

  So the following day, I made excuses. I texted her, telling her I was too busy with clients and couldn’t stop by. I could have easily made room in my schedule to see her. But I didn’t. I avoided her. Then I cut out of work early only to drive over to her house, sit by myself in my car, parked a little way down her street, being creepy as fuck, staring at her house. I sat there, stressing over everything I’d never have and could never have with Lou. I didn’t like this feeling—this loss I felt deep in my gut, for absolutely no fucking reason at all.

  It was messing with my brain. And my emotions.

  Tomorrow. I texted her. Tomorrow we should practice kissing. Because we only have six days left before this is all over.

  ~ CHAPTER 17 ~

  LOU

  Finn would be here any minute. He’d been crystal clear in his intentions for this evening. Tonight he wanted to practice kissing. He wanted to teach me. In every text message he’d sent me since we’d last seen one another, I felt his urgency to get this over with. I wondered if I’d done something wrong. Or if he’d already reached the point he ultimately reached with all girls.

  The point where he became bored.

  The point where he lost interest.

  The point where I became just a blip in his memory.

  The other night when he offered to sleep out in his car, I hadn’t known how to process that offer. I couldn’t tell if it was pity or nicety or an obligation he felt. I wasn’t helpless and didn’t want him believing I was, so I’d refused the offer. Now I wondered if that was where his annoyance grew from.

  He knocked right at eight. “Hey,” he called out. “I’ve got the scarf tied on if you want to let me in.”

  I opened the door, despite feeling like a huge bundle of nerves. There he stood—wearing a white, long-sleeve t-shirt that covered his arms and most of his tattoos. His brown hair was damp like he’d recently showered. He had the scarf tied tight around his head. He touched the door frame, and he stepped inside the house. “Hey,” he said. “Where are you?”

  “Hi. Here.”

  I moved to close the door behind him.

  I expected there to be tension between us, anger in him, but he seemed relaxed, even, and calm. Had I read anger in his text messages when there was none?

  “How are you?” he asked.

  “I’m fine,” I lied.

  “Let’s do this. Let’s get started.”

  He turned his head to blindly look for me.

  I moved away from the door to stand in front of him. I was ready. I’d showered twice and brushed my teeth about five times today. But what did he want me to do? Jump up and attack him with my mouth. He pushed his hands into his pockets. And I felt my skin start to itch with nervousness.

  “So, kiss me,” he said. “Let’s just jump in and get started. Then we can go from there. I’ll give you some pointers and we can keep trying until you’re decent at it. That’s what you want, right?”

  I stared up at his lips as he spoke. There was a blotchiness to the skin on his cheeks, but other than that he was completely nonchalant about this.

  “Yeah,” I muttered.

  “Then whenever you’re ready. I’m ready.”

  So this was it? This was my first kiss. Every ounce of me wanted it to belong to Finn. And I would let this first belong to him. But now I decided that there was anger in him. I could feel it now. He might be acting relaxed and nonchalant, but I felt it in my bones that he was bothered by something.

  Then this wild idea washed over me.

  Maybe if I kissed him, I could kiss away his anger.

  It seemed like a reasonable—no, excellent—idea.

  I moved closer to him.

  It was the single most terrifying and exhilarating moment of my life. I had to make the move. I had to set the pace. I had to take the leap. I stood on my toes. His breathing was slow and patient. Then I did it. I carefully touched my lips to his.

  He didn’t move.

  He didn’t kiss back.

  He didn’t wrap his arms around me or indicate in any way that this small kiss was worth reciprocating.

  I pulled back, unsure and a little mortified.

  “Again,” he commanded. “Do it again.”

  “Did I do it wrong?”

  “No. It was nice but hesitant. Again. Try not to be afraid of me this time.”

  I stared at him for a minute, confused, then I pressed my lips to his for a second time. A little harder this time with a little less caution behind my kiss. Then I pulled back.

  He still hadn’t countered.

  “There. Better?” I asked.

  “Almost. Try it again.”

  Heat moved over me.

  I grabbed his face this time, growing annoyed with him. Frustrated, I pressed my lips against his with more force, more movement, more grit.

  “No,” he said when I pulled away the third time.

  “Damn you,” I said in a whisper. I wasn’t one to curse anyone, but he’d really hurt me just then. Was my kiss that awful?

  “Hey,” he said gently. He caught my hand in his before I had a chance to move away from him. “You’re doing great. But don’t be afraid of me. Slow, not timid. Confident, not forced. If you’re angry with me, use it in the kiss. I won’t fucking hold back with you again.”

  “Fine.” I wasn’t sure what he wanted. My hands were hot and shaking as I moved to touch his face. I held onto him and brought my face close to his. I hovered with my lips against his lips. I was less sure with this fourth kiss than with any of the first three. At least it helped knowing he couldn’t see me though the scarf. I pressed into him, hoping I’d do better. Slow. Confident. Trying. I was stuck in my head when suddenly he moved.

  He hadn’t moved to kiss me back any of the previous times. But now he moved.

  He took the back of my neck with one hand, the small of my back with his other, and he pulled my body to his. He held me flush against his large frame. He held me like I was his and meant to be there. His mouth connected with mine. His mouth—holy crap, his mouth!

  Claiming. Demanding. Hot.

  My eyes fluttered closed.

  He deepened the kiss. He tasted me. I dared to taste him. His tongue glided over mine, and it felt like pure adrenaline. The room melted away. I felt nothing but him, his mouth, and his hands keeping my body locked in place against his torso.

  He broke away after a moment. “Shit,” he cursed, running his fingers over his hair. He pulled at the ends of the scarf, tightening it. His chest rose, up and down. “Shit, Lou. I think you just taught me something with that one.”

  I absolutely loved his reaction! The unevenness of it. The lack of control behind his breath and his words. The red blotches on his cheeks.

  “Again,” he demanded. “Now.”

  There was no refusing that. I moved to him again. When I did, he pulled me against his body once more, and again he kissed me. His hands moved up to my face. He held me as if I were precious to him. He kissed me—gently, tentatively, slowly—this time. He had my heart singing. This was how I always imagined it would be to kiss a guy like Finn. After a moment, he broke away. He was smiling. He rubbed a hand over his face, trying to hide it, failing to hide it—smiling just for me.

  I was proud of myself. Proud of that kiss.

  “You’re a good teacher,” I muttered.

  “Am I?”

  “You are. Thank you, Finn.”

  He took a breath. “Yeah, no problem. Anytime. Happy to oblige.”

  ~ CHAPTER 18 ~

  FINN

  I sat with my back to Lou’s front door with Lou tucked between my legs. It was late, past midnight. My lips were sore. We’d been kissing like crazy teenagers all evening. She had on her clothes. I had on mine. We’d never gone past kissing, but still, I felt like I was fucking bare-ass naked holding onto her like we were in the afterglow of sex.

  “Tell me,” I whispered. “What on the other side of this door terrifies you so much?”

  “What doesn’t? That’s a better question.”

  Again. Only vague answers.

  “Me?” I squeezed my arms over her chest a little tighter. “Do I terrify you?”

  “No,” she answered without hesitation. “You don’t.”

  Well, that was a start, right? “Did someone hurt you?”

  “Don’t.” She cut me off. “Don’t. I am how I am. That’s all you need to know.”

  I had so many questions. I was trying not to flood her with all of them. But, honestly, trying to talk to her sometimes felt a little like banging my head against the wall. “You terrify me,” I muttered against her ear. She did. It was the truth. “I can’t breathe properly with you in my arms. I can’t think straight. I know I need to stand up. To leave. To end the evening. But not a single bone in my body is making that move.”

  “I’m just happy to be your friend.”

  Well, that was a slap to the face. I wanted more than a friendship. Was that all she saw me as—her friend? That realization hurt. I breathed a normal breath. I didn’t want her to know how much those words stung. “I’m happy we’re friends, too,” I forced out.

  I could not read her.

  It was fucking frustrating. And more than that, terrifying.

  “How many siblings do you have?” she asked randomly.

  “None,” I answered. “Just me.”

  “Really? I pictured you with lots.”

  “Just me. You?”

  “Yeah.”

  Was that a yes or a no? She tapped my arm. I assumed she wanted me to loosen my hold over her chest. And so I did. I released her. She stood and moved out of the space between my legs. I was left alone on the floor. Blind. Confused. Trying not to let all the uncertainty go to my head. I stood up, touching the wall for support as I moved.

  “I had a nice night, Finn. Thank you.”

  Wow, I guess that was my exit cue. “No problem.”

  “Can we see each other again tomorrow?”

  Well, at least she wanted to see me again.

  “I don’t have to work. I could bring lunch.”

  “Yes, that would be nice.”

  “Perfect.”

  “Five days left then,” she muttered. “Tomorrow will be only four.”

  My stomach dropped. So she was keeping track? Counting down the days. Fuck. “That’s right,” I confirmed, like we were talking about rain coming on the weekend. “Four more days.” I felt for the door handle. What the actual fuck? Was I alone in everything I felt? “I’ll see you for lunch tomorrow.”

  “Sounds great.”

  “Bye then.”

  “Bye.”

  I pulled open the door and stepped away. The door shut behind me. Again I stood—alone, frustrated, and on the other side of her door. I yanked off the scarf and walked down her stairs, needing air. I also needed advice on how to handle this thing with Lou. What I wouldn’t give to have my mother in this world to talk to tonight. I mean, shit, I could go ask Patrick but that would probably get me nowhere. John, my boss, didn’t like to be disturbed past midnight. And one of my best friends, Amanda, just wasn’t available to me to discuss this kind of stuff with anymore. Not when she was spending every second of her free time with Nick. The worst part was the person I felt drawn to the most—Lou—was the one confusing the hell out of me.