I wanted to confide in Lou and I couldn’t.

  This feeling, right here, was exactly why I only dated casually.

  It was exactly why I didn’t live in one place for too long. I’d been in the Outer Banks almost three years. I was overdue another move. This thing with Lou was going to fucking end with me needing to get out of this town. I could already feel it.

  ~ CHAPTER 19 ~

  FINN

  The next morning came. I hadn’t slept. I’d drawn pictures for my graphic novel all night. Literally, all night. I hadn’t eaten. I was still cutting calories, and maybe the hunger was getting to me. Clouding my brain. Turning me cranky. Because it was my day off, and rather than spending it relaxing, I was driving myself insane. After spending the entirety of the morning working out, I drove over to Kill Devil Ink.

  My plan was to spill my heart to whomever the hell was working this morning. I needed some direction. I needed a friend. I needed someone to tell me to sit down and shut the hell up. To tell me that Lou wasn’t as big a deal as I was turning her into. But as I drove into the parking lot, of all the cars to find parked in the lot, I noticed Nick’s.

  I parked next to his car, flung open my door, and stomped toward the building with too much animosity on my shoulders. Inside, I yelled for Amanda.

  “Yo. Amanda.”

  I barged into her station. She and Nick were standing in the middle of the room, inches apart. He took a breath and stepped away from her.

  I’d interrupted something.

  I didn’t care.

  “I need to talk to you,” I said to Nick. I’d been looking for Amanda. But now it was from him I wanted answers. I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at the guy.

  “What do you want?”

  “Lou. I need to know more about your roommate, Lou.”

  Fuck. The moment the words left my lips, I regretted them. What I shared with Lou, whatever it was we shared, had been completely private so far. Completely ours. Now I’d said her name out loud, and just saying it, I’d exposed everything. Exposed us.

  “What do you want to know about Lou?” Nick asked.

  His words were calm. His eyes were not.

  “Anything at this point.”

  Nick ran his hands through his dark hair. “Stay the fuck away from Lou,” he said in a low, even voice. “I need to go. How much do I owe you for the ink, Amanda?”

  “Nothing,” she muttered. “This time it’s on me.”

  “No. I’m not going to not pay you. But we’ll sort it out another day. I’m sorry, I’ve got to take a raincheck on lunch.”

  “That’s fine.”

  “I’ll see you in bed later tonight,” he added.

  He was fucking pissed. Pissed at me. Pissed at Lou. Pissed at Amanda, maybe. He stepped away, leaving Amanda’s station. I heard his footsteps and then the chime of the bell on the door as he exited the shop.

  “What the hell?” Amanda yelled at me. She slapped my arm. “Seriously? What was that about?”

  “What do you know about Lou?”

  “What do you know about Lou?” she threw back at me.

  Well, where to start. I sighed “She’s different. She’s funny about space and people. She’s fucking smart, like book smart, but also completely clueless about the littlest things. Like maybe she grew up with the Amish or something.”

  “Wait. Wait. Go back. But how do you know her, Finn? Why do you know her at all?” Amanda inched around me, leaving the small space of her station, and motioned for me to follow her down the hall. She led the way to the front lobby where she plopped down on one of the brown leather couches. She seemed exhausted.

  I guess pregnancy was exhausting.

  “How do you know her?” Amanda repeated.

  “I went over to Nick’s rental house. I did a little detective work to get his address. I planned on confronting him about the paternity of the baby. This was a week or so ago. I knocked on his door. Felt like an idiot because your car wasn’t even in his driveway. But there were lights on, and I figured since I’d gone all the way over to his house that I might as well confront him. Fuck.” I ran my hands across my face. “Maybe even tell your asshole boyfriend I wasn’t the baby’s father. Because Nick believing that I was, was really starting to fucking eat me up.”

  “Crap,” Amanda whispered. “Finn, I’m sorry.”

  “No, it’s whatever. I know Nick knows now. That you told him like days back, so that’s good. Good for you guys. Anyway, so I knock on Nick’s door. Lou’s on the other side. Long story short, I’ve been going there and talking to the girl through her damn door every day since.”

  Amanda stared at me. Like I was an alien in her friend’s body. Maybe I was.

  “The only thing I know about her is that she has agoraphobia,” she offered.

  “Yeah, no shit.”

  “Oh. I guess you know more about her than me.”

  “I guess.” I sat down on the leather couch beside her, breathing in deeply. “Sorry for that with Nick just now. I fucked up. When I said Lou’s name to him, I wasn’t necessarily after information. I can get information from her instead. I guess, part of me wanted Nick to know I knew her. I wanted you both to know something was happening between us. Maybe, if you both knew, it would feel more real. Something like that. I don’t know. I approached the situation all wrong. I know I did.”

  Amanda stood up. “Should we go over there? Go to Nick’s house. See them both.”

  My eyes popped out of my head. “No. Hell, no. That’s not how Lou and I work. Just, you keep doing your thing with Nick. I’ll keep doing my thing with Lou. We’ll leave it at that. We don’t have to all be friends, go on double dates, and shit.”

  I stood. I moved past Amanda.

  Well, today had been one royal fuckup.

  ~ CHAPTER 20 ~

  LOU

  I stood on the front porch, watching the sun come up. Some days it was easy to take this single step outside of the house. Other days, most days, it was excruciating. But I felt bold today. A little less shaken by all the millions of external factors I’d never be able to control. Maybe this feeling had something to do with Finn’s kiss. Maybe it didn’t. I wasn’t sure. Whatever it was, it only lasted a moment.

  My normal fears sank in.

  I hurried back inside, heart racing, and I slammed the door behind me.

  I sat on the floor, collecting myself for several minutes.

  My hands were tingling. Had I pushed myself too far? Was a panic attack coming? I ran my fingers through my hair, waiting for it to happen, waiting for the dizzy spells and the loss of control to begin. But the prickling in my fingertips didn’t amount to more than discomfort.

  I pulled myself to my feet and thought of Nick. When I first meet him years ago, our panic attacks were our common link. We both suffered from them in our teens. The day we met, I actually caught him in the middle of one, hiding between the shelves in my old library.

  We differed now. Nick still had panic attacks. He’d even been diagnosed with Panic Disorder. For me, it had been over three years since I’d last had one of my own. Nick didn’t believe his were triggered by any one specific thing, and in believing that, he lived his life without much caution. He went to work, he dated, and he hung out with friends. He did all the normal things that normal people do.

  With me—I lived my life the opposite way. I took every precaution I could to control and avoid any and all situations that might cause anxiety. It worked. Still works. If I kept myself safely tucked away from the world, I could control my anxiety.

  My kiss with Finn had been reckless.

  I still didn’t know how to feel about it. How safe or unsafe it might have been. If it might be a potential trigger. Kissing him didn’t necessarily feel unsafe. And I’d enjoyed it, yes. But I also knew our two-week expiration date had to be the best idea either of us could have come up with.

  I went into the kitchen. I made myself a bowl of cereal. I stood at the counter, staring at the soggy O’s, trying to convince myself that my safe approach to life was better than Nick’s wild one. I was in my head when I suddenly heard the front door fling open.

  I turned to see Nick barging through the house like a barbarian.

  My cereal bowl slipped from my hands and crashed to the floor.

  “Nick!” I screeched.

  “What’s going on with Finn?” he demanded.

  “Who? Who’s Finn?”

  I knelt to the floor using my hand to scoop the spilled cereal back into my bowl. Nick and I had obviously spoken of Finn before, several times, so pretending I didn’t know who he was now was completely foolish. I proceeded to clean up my mess, trying to buy myself a minute or two. Should I lie to Nick? Or be completely truthful? If Finn and I were only dating for a few more days, what was the point of trying to explain our relationship?

  I hadn’t even finished cleaning my cereal when someone else entered the house.

  “Knock. Knock,” said a familiar voice. “Nick, honey. Lou? It’s Mom.”

  Nick’s mom let herself right into the house.

  My heart nearly tripped on itself. Thankfully it was just her.

  “Mom?” Nick asked confused.

  “Mrs. Jasmine?” I whispered, equally shocked.

  “Hi, kids! Surprise. I brought some moon pies.” She held up a plastic cupcake container full of the chocolate sandwiches. Had she driven all the way from Maine? Had she flown? How come she didn’t call one of us and tell us she was coming? “Samantha’s with me.” Samantha was Nick’s thirteen-year-old niece. I’d met her a couple times in the few months I’d lived in Mrs. Jasmine’s house. “She’s bringing in more stuff from the rental car.” Mrs. Jasmine set down her bags. She stepped over to Nick and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. She squeezed him in a giant hug.

  “Perfect timing, Mom,” he mumbled against her beautifully styled blonde hair. “Perfect timing. As usual. But it’s good to see you.”

  She let Nick go. She had tears in her eyes.

  Oh God. She came to me next. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders while I stood as still as possible. It was five seconds of complete agony.

  “I promised I’d come visit you more. So here I am! Samantha and I have a beach house rented for the week.”

  “Great,” I muttered.

  “Guess what?” Nick announced after Mrs. Jasmine stopped hugging me. “I have a girlfriend.”

  “Guess what,” I whispered, since it seemed we were confessing things. And since Nick deserved an answer about Finn. “I think I might have a boyfriend.”

  “I can’t wait to meet them both!” Mrs. Jasmine squealed.

  Nick gave me a death stare. One that read loud and clear, ‘what the hell?’

  “I know,” Mrs. Jasmine suggested. “Let’s have them both over for dinner.”

  Nick wasn’t having that. “Hell. No.”

  “Please, Nick,” Mrs. Jasmine begged. “That sounds wonderful.”

  “No. Just no. Lou doesn’t have a boyfriend.”

  “How do you know I don’t?” I interjected.

  Nick gave me a look, a grimace, and then he stepped away. He walked out of the room, in the direction of his bedroom.

  Well, thanks. Leave me here all alone with your mother.

  I gave her a goofy grin. “I need some space,” I said. It was me being honest. “I need to read in bed for a while.”

  “Dear, don’t worry about me. You do whatever you need to do. Samantha and I will get settled on our own. I’ll make us some lemonade and some lunch. Would you like to eat lunch with us before I head back over to our rental?”

  I thought I’d be eating lunch with Finn later. Now I didn’t know.

  “Yes, I would love that.”

  I was polite. I was always polite.

  Then I turned and hurried to my room.

  ~ CHAPTER 21 ~

  FINN

  It had been a few hours. I’d been stressing over my relationship with Lou when I decided to give the fuck in. I liked the girl. I really liked her. I felt good when I was with her. Her touch. Her voice. Her mystery. All of it was a high and I wanted more. Not to mention, kissing her had been fucking fireworks. If these were the only days, the only time I had left with her, then I needed to make the most of it. I needed to stop questioning what I felt and instead focus on getting this girl to fall for me. And fucking her, one of my only specialties with women, as a means to that goal, was out of the question.

  I took the afternoon off from work. I went home, took a shower, put on nice clothes, and then I left to pick up takeout. By late afternoon, I was back at Lou’s place. I felt jittery knowing I’d get to touch her soon. At her front door, I set down the food and tied the scarf over my eyes.

  I knocked, and then I waited.

  A minute later, I heard the door open.

  A smile automatically came to my lips.

  The blood in my veins pumped a little harder.

  “Oh, hello,” said a voice I didn’t recognize.

  My smile went flat. “Lou?”

  “No. Margret Jasmine.”

  Christ!

  “Is Lou with you?”

  “She’s in her room.”

  I pulled off the scarf, a little mortified. “Hello.”

  Nick’s mother, I assumed, was a heavy-set woman with stylish blonde hair. She was pretty, well put-together, and she smiled at me with kind eyes.

  “I usually spend lunch time with Lou,” I explained.

  “How lovely. I’m visiting from Maine. I’ll be here a few days. Maybe longer. Depends on how long Nick tolerates me.” She laughed to herself. “Usually not too long.”

  I swayed on my feet, uncomfortable. “Yeah. Moms,” I joked. Even though I missed my own mother like mad and would give anything to have her come visit me.

  “Are you local?” Mrs. Jasmine asked. She held open the door wider, inviting me in with that single gesture. Nick’s place was modern and clean. I’d never properly seen the inside, and part of me wanted to look around, but I didn’t dare step inside. I didn’t feel comfortable breaking the threshold without Lou’s permission.

  “Yes. I work with Amanda.”

  “Amanda?”

  Yikes. I grimaced. If she didn’t know who Amanda was, then she probably didn’t know her son would soon be a father. “Amanda is my coworker,” I replied, knowing I’d already said too much.

  “Oh.” I saw in her eyes that she was connecting the dots. “The girl Nick is dating. I understand now. Well that’s nice that the four of you are friends. So how long have you been spending time with Lou?”

  “A little over a week.”

  “I see. Lou’s special, you know. Take good care of her.” She looked me straight in the eyes like she was trying to convey some hidden message. Or perhaps a warning. I didn’t understand her context of the word ‘special’ as she spoke it. Special, gifted? Special, challenged? Special, unique?

  “She is special,” I said firmly, realizing I didn’t care which kind of special she meant.

  “Good man. Good answer.” She placed her hands on her hips. “So, I’ll be making supper tomorrow for Nick and Amanda. My granddaughter Samantha is here with me as well. I would love if you joined us. I won’t take no for an answer.”

  I wasn’t about to argue with her. I’d be where Lou was. “Thank you. I’ll come.”

  “Wonderful. Does six work?”

  “It works.” It really didn’t work. I’d have to take time off again tomorrow. But for Lou, I’d change my plans. I took a step backward. “Nice meeting you, Mrs. Jasmine. See you tomorrow. Oh.” I reached down for the carryout bag. I picked up the lunch I had planned to share with Lou and handed it to Mrs. Jasmine. “For Lou,” I explained.

  She took the bag, and I stepped away before she could comment.

  Tomorrow would likely be uncomfortable and awkward. But nothing, not even my own insecurities would keep me from attending. Well, I supposed one thing might. Lou telling me not to come. I tried to call her cell phone as I opened my car door to leave. But she didn’t answer.

  She didn’t answer when I called her again later that evening.

  Or the third time that night.

  What. The. Hell.

  Why wasn’t she answering for me?

  Now what was I supposed to do? Show up tomorrow and surprise her? Did she even want me to come? Was she ignoring me because she was done with me?

  ~ CHAPTER 22 ~

  FINN

  My stomach was in knots. I hadn’t heard from Lou. Not a single text message in the last twenty-four hours. Earlier at work, when I mentioned dinner to Amanda, she’d acted like it was the first time she was hearing about it. Now, as it was six-o-five, I stood outside Lou’s front door. The sun behind me blasted my back, making me sweat through the button up shirt I’d carefully picked out for this evening. I’d even tried to tame my hair with some gel. I looked ridiculous.

  The gel and the shirt weren’t working.

  None of it was working.

  I knocked on Lou’s door with a bottle of wine in my fucking hand because my mom taught me to never show up to dinner empty handed, and with no blindfold covering my eyes. I had no idea if this was okay. Lou had given me neither the green or the red light. With this much confusion with any other woman, I would have walked away.

  Yet here I was.

  I barely even knew what Lou’s face looked like. And still, I was here.

  All day today, I’d been trying to remember the details of her face from the one single time I’d seen it unblocked. And the only thing I could remember was Patrick’s comment when I said she was beautiful. “She was something,” he’d countered, as if she were an alternative to pretty.

  I brought an unsteady hand out to knock on the door, but it opened before I could.

  I expected Mrs. Jasmine.

  Instead I got Lou.

  Motherfucking Lou!

  No blindfold. No window blinds. No door. No hoodie. Nothing separating us. Only her unobstructed eyes on mine. I tried not to breathe funny. I tried not to shift on my feet as I stood in front of her. I tried not to blush like an idiot. Because my cheeks were hot. Feverishly hot with her eyes on me, and I knew I had this tendency to get blotchy sometimes.