He nodded, hefting the cooler up and out. “And tossed a thing of wood back there if you wanted to stay for a bonfire.”

  He didn’t wait around for my response, just grabbed two bags of groceries with his free hand and went down the trail.

  Well, then. A beach bonfire was the best.

  I loaded up my arms, going after him. Once we got to the beach, he picked a spot a bit away from the steps. Enough where people could pass by and we wouldn’t hear their conversation, but they’d still see us.

  He tossed everything down, going back, so I began spreading out the blanket. The chairs were put up, and by then, he’d brought everything else. I was on the blanket, my abnormal psych book out, and I glanced up as he placed his book bag next to me. He was staring off at the water, that same haunted look on his face. I could see the shadows going over his face as he tightened his mouth, his jaw clenched.

  I sat back, my arms circling my knees. “You sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

  His gaze met mine as he sat down, and such sadness looked back at me, taking my breath. He shook his head, blinking, and looking away. “No. I just want to forget all about it.”

  He settled down, pulling out his own textbook.

  My phone began buzzing as texts rolled in.

  Miles: Where are you? Library?

  Gavin: Beers tonight! Where are you?

  Wade: That quiz you thought we were having last week, it’s happening tomorrow. Want to do a study sesh?

  Taz: I’m at the library with Skylar and Zoe. Darren is here too. Where are you?

  Miles: You’re not with our roommates. I just found them. Headed to the hockey house. You there?

  I had more texts coming through, but felt Cruz’s attention.

  I moved to silence my phone, but as I did, my screen flashed. One last text.

  Dad: How are you, sweetie? I’m coming through Grant West this week. Give me a call. Let’s do dinner.

  A sudden knot formed in my throat. My dad coming through where I go to college? This didn’t happen. It wasn’t how our relationship worked. I didn’t believe in coincidences. He wasn’t phrasing it that he was coming to visit me, but dinner. Something was happening. Something Mom-related.

  I changed my mind. I turned off my phone.

  Three hours later, our sandwiches were out and a bag of chips was between us. Cruz had mixed both of us some drinks. I’d also crammed for another abnormal psych quiz. Cruz, I didn’t know what he was studying, but he was quiet the whole time.

  It felt nice. The whole day. The sounds of the waves.

  “We should talk.”

  I jumped, spilling my drink, then laughed.

  “What?”

  I shook my head, dabbing at my legs. “I was just thinking that I liked that we hadn’t been talking.”

  “Oh.” He frowned, his knees bent, spread out. His book sat between them, but he was lounging forward, his arms loosely resting on his knees. “I mean, we’re doing the friends thing, right? Friends talk. We should talk.”

  I closed my textbook, and leaned back, my drink in hand. “You talk.”

  He glanced up to me, his eyebrows pinching down.

  “Friends tell each other what’s going on with them.” I took a sip, giving him a pointed look.

  He snorted, fighting a grin before looking back to his textbook. “Real subtle, Daniels.”

  “Last names.” I whistled. “Have we progressed or regressed with that?”

  He laughed again, before letting out a soft sigh. “Friends. Right.”

  I took another sip. “Friends.”

  “You asked about my towels, long time ago. You remember?”

  I frowned. “Yeah?”

  “Where’d you get this thing?”

  He laughed, laying back. “No personal questions, Daniels.”

  “I didn’t know that was a personal question. My bad.”

  “It is because my sister made it.”

  I remembered, giving the blanket another glance. It looked like the towel that day. “What–that was a towel. This is a blanket?”

  “They’re the same. This is just the bigger size. They’re called beach towkets.” He grinned, looking out at the ocean. “That was her word for them. We went to the beach a lot. Our family. She started making them one summer, and fuck, if I should hate them, but I don’t. It’s the one thing from her that I can’t bring myself to hate.”

  I frowned. “Your little sister used to make these?”

  He shook his head, leaning back and putting his hands behind him. He stretched his legs out. He never stopped looking at the ocean. “Not that sister.”

  Two sisters? I was still frowning, but I also shut up. This was his moment, his time to talk.

  “Her name was Sarah. She was best friends with Burford. Titi called her Sissy, calls her Sissy.”

  I almost twitched from my reaction. Sabrina? The same girl I had a smackdown with in the library? The first time I’d met Cruz?

  He laughed to himself, looking down. “I hate that girl, but that day, Miles invited me to your table. You were there. Gavin. And her. I walked up, saw her, and started to turn around, and then you spoke, and fuck, man. Fuck. Just your voice made me hard.” He flashed me a grin, a wry look in his eyes, but he stared at me steadily. “I stayed because of you that day. Burford didn’t call you a cunt because Miller was flirting with you that day. She was pissed because she could tell I wanted you.”

  “Are you serious?”

  He nodded, going back to staring at the ocean. “All cards on the table, I figured I should fess up to that part.”

  “She wanted you?”

  He shook his head. “No. She wanted my attention. Since…” He looked down, swallowing again before lifting his chin once more. “I seriously hate that girl, but it’s not even because of her. It’s because of what she was a part of that day. She was in the car. Sarah was driving. Titi was in the back. Titi–she was obsessed with Sarah and Sabrina. Obsessed. I know I should blame Sarah, but…” A harrowed expression crossed his face. “If it hadn’t been for Burford, Titi wouldn’t have been in the car. I… How fucked up is it that I’m more mad Titi lives how she lives because of that accident and not that I lost my other sister? Sarah died. She… She was messed up. Burford and her were best friends. I have no idea how they met. Sarah was a year younger, but they were. Sarah wasn’t the queen bee, but she kinda was at the same time. Not that I give a fuck about that shit, but just laying it all out. Sarah was popular, but she was such a bitch. Normally she didn’t give Titi two fucks. She’d just ignore her and go on about her selfish life. Not that day. Sabrina was nice to Titi when she was around and it’s because of Sabrina that Titi was in that car. Only goddamn reason Sarah pretended to be okay with it. That car accident.” He cursed, low and savagely, shaking his head and his hands balled up into fists. “Sarah died, and Titi lost her chance at a normal life.”

  I was aching, wanting to go to him.

  “You asked me how I knew how to handle your mom?” He looked my way now, his whole face twisted up. “It’s because that’s how Sarah was.”

  I was bowled over, but I wasn’t at the same time.

  “I know I should miss my sister, and I know she was sick. They gave her so many fucking diagnoses, but man,” his voice grew hoarse, “here’s the worst shit ever. I’m glad she’s gone.” He looked my way, that same stricken look coming over him. Bitterness flashed in his eyes before he turned away again. “I can’t remember a time when life was fine at the house. No peace. No quietness. Just always fucking Sarah, and her problems, and whatever she decided to hate the second she got up for the day. She was never happy. She was never–and she was vengeful. If I had a good day, and she didn’t, she’d break something in the house and blame it on me. Mom was scared of her. Titi doesn’t remember her the way she was.

  “To Titi, Sarah was loving and the best big sister ever. Every time she says something, Mom and I just give each other a look and don’t say anything. I mean, fuck. My God. She’s been gone a year and four months and I still can’t bring myself to remember the good times. Swear to fucking God, I don’t remember any. I’ve tried. I hate that I feel this way, that I still loathe her, even when she’s gone. I think there was one Christmas where she was nice, one fucking holiday. And by her being nice, she didn’t throw a temper tantrum that the whole day wasn’t about her. I hate my sister. She’s dead. I should be mourning her. I was told that when someone dies, you automatically remember the good because that’s what we should remember. Not the bad. The bad doesn’t matter anymore. Just the good, but not me. Not for her. I can’t remember shit, and I get mad about that, that I can’t because fuck me.

  “There should be something. Right? She couldn’t have been bad all the time. What kind of brother am I, that I’m unable to do that? Everyone thinks I’m this easy-going guy. Jokes on them. I think of her and I’m relieved she’s gone. That’s the twisted shit inside me. And Burford went to see Titi yesterday.”

  Now it made sense.

  Now the dots were connecting.

  Now I knew what we were doing here.

  I reached over, my hand sliding into his.

  “I have no idea how the visit went. I can’t bring myself to call and ask. I don’t want to hear that it went well. That Titi lit up, seeing Burford because of course she would. She’d be so happy, not having any clue that Burford’s the reason she’s half paralyzed. And I know, in my head, I know that’s wrong to think. Sarah crashed the car, for whatever fucking reason, and trust me, some switch flipped in her. Burford’s account, the eyewitness accounts. Even a cop saw it. It was on camera. My sister was driving along. Everything was fine, and you can see in the car that Burford is smiling, laughing at something. She turns around to say something to Titi, and Sarah got this look. She got all hard and vengeful. I know that look. Seen it all my life, almost every day, and she yanked the wheel. She drove head on into a semi. Swear to this day. I can’t shake the feeling that she wanted to kill Burford or Titi that day, but she didn’t realize she might go too. I can’t shake it. Burford walked away with barely a scratch. Semi tried to turn, save them, but because he did, he hit Sarah head-on, and Titi was right behind her.”

  He drew in a breath.

  “I can’t figure out what I’m pissed about, that Burford wants to make amends? That Titi will love that? Or fuck, because I think that in some way, of both of them making amends, that Sarah’s going to be let off the hook? She did that. She wanted to hurt herself, or Burford, or Titi. They’ll heal and move on and what? No more blame put on Sarah? Fuck that. I know that’s what they’ll do. Burford blames herself, feels bad about the whole thing, but she never knew Sarah for who she really was. Not really. Titi, she’s all good. Sarah was all bad.” He turned my way, his whole face so hard. “I knew how to handle your mom because I grew up handling someone just like her. My own sister got off easy by dying. How fucked am I, that I think that? This is the guy you chose to fuck.” He shook his head, shoving up to his feet. “I can’t–I need some time.” He took off, heading down to the beach.

  I let him go, because I understood.

  I let out a small sigh and reached for my phone, turning it on.

  More texts buzzed through, but I went to my dad’s and hit call.

  He picked up right away. “Hey, honey. How are you?”

  “If you’re coming to town because something new has happened with Mom, I don’t want to hear it.”

  He was quiet on his end, and that told me he was coming because of her.

  I’d made my decision. “I’m done, Dad. I’m done with her.”

  “Honey. Mara. She’s your mother–”

  “No. She’s never been my mother. I have no idea what it’s like to have a mother, but I do know what it was like having a father. I wanted to call and thank you for that.”

  “Mara, this doesn’t sound like you. Are you okay? Did something happen?”

  I closed my eyes. It’d been so long where it was about me, not her. I smiled to myself, looking down at the towket with a tear in my eye. “Thank you, Dad. But I don’t want to hear about whatever new is going on with her. I’m done.”

  I ended the call.

  Turned the phone off.

  And sat there, watching the ocean waves, waiting for Cruz to come back.

  37

  CRUZ

  My phone was ringing. All my roommates knew I’d taken a beach day, so it wouldn’t be them. Then I looked and had to laugh. “Hey, Mom.”

  She was quiet for a second. “You sound upset.”

  I didn’t deny it. I didn’t confirm it either.

  I gripped the phone tighter. “You sound happy.”

  She sniffled. “I am. It was–it was a good day, yesterday. You won both games and…”

  I looked down, saying gruffly, “I don’t want to hear about it.”

  Her voice got quiet. “Titi was over the moon. I videoed some of it, but she wouldn’t stop smiling when Sabrina came over. She was still beaming this morning. She crashed last night. She was just exhausted, but it was a good day.”

  “Mom…”

  She kept on, her voice getting a little louder, “Sabrina told me how you’ve been treating her.”

  “Mom–”

  “That’s not the son I raised. You don’t tell people to leave others the ‘expletive’ alone. You don’t glare at them or treat them rudely. Do you hear me?”

  “Mom.”

  “I said, ‘Do you hear me?’ You know how I raised you. I need to hear that you know how I raised you.”

  Like a general giving her orders. I almost smiled at that. “I hear you, Mom. You didn’t raise me to be like that.”

  “If you see Sabrina, I’m not saying you need to be friends with her, but don’t be mean. She is not the one who caused the accident. You can’t be angry at her for being kind, for making Titi laugh. She’s not a bad girl.”

  I grunted. “She called a friend of mine a cunt.”

  She was quiet for a beat. “Again, I’m not saying you need to be friends with her. Everyone has some faults, but you, Cruz Corinthos Styles, you shine even brighter.”

  “I still hate her, Mom.” Those words ripped out of me.

  She drew in a sob from her end. “Don’t say that. She’s–”

  “I hate her. And I’m tired of feeling guilty about hating her. She wasn’t good.”

  “Everyone has good in them. She had struggles–”

  “She tried to kill Titi. She wanted to hurt Burford. She thought she’d be the one to walk free–”

  “Maybe she did.” My mom’s voice was wrangled, and I heard another low sob.

  “What?” I stilled.

  “Maybe she did, walk free. Maybe she did.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I know some don’t believe in them, but I saw a medium.”

  I let out a curse. “What?”

  “Yeah, but listen, Cruz. Your sister came through, and she’s sorry for what she did. The medium, and I believe her because she brought up specifics that even you don’t know about. Sissy talked about how in that moment, she was angry and she reacted. She didn’t think it through, but she said it all worked out how it was supposed to.”

  “Titi was supposed to be paralyzed from the waist down? I’m sure Sarah would say that that was supposed to happen that way. Of course. I believe the medium too. That’s total typical Sarah right there.”

  “Cruz.” Her voice dipped low. “That’s not what I’m saying.”

  I wanted to hurl this phone into the ocean. Maybe it was karmic timing for Mara to be going through her healing process, but dammit. I would’ve loved to lose myself in her for an entire week. Stop the thoughts, stop the hurting. Stop the ghost of one particularly selfish bitch.

  “It’s why I let Sabrina see Titi. The medium said that she was struggling, needed closure, and she was right.” She began sniffling again. I heard the sob through her voice. “Sabrina walked in, and she looked so wrecked. I could see it in her. It’s… It’s what I see in you too.”

  “Mom, do not push me to go see some psychic. I don’t believe in that shit.”

  “You don’t curse at your mother.”

  My head jerked upright, from where I had folded down. “Sorry.”

  “I’m not saying you need to see a medium, though I believe her, but it was very healing to connect to Sissy. She’s on the other side. The medium said that when the soul leaves the body, all the emotions and struggles we go through here, are left here. The soul goes to the other side and it’s in its most pure state. Sissy said she didn’t mean to hurt Titi, but she reacted and in that moment, she was tired of feeling and thinking all the negative and hateful things she did. She was explaining that it was like she was trapped in her own body. She didn’t want to think or do the things she did, but it’s like she couldn’t stop herself. She felt paralyzed inside herself at times. That’s what was coming through the medium, and–” She let out a deep sob. “I believe her, Cruz. I–my God, I do. Sissy would do something mean and I’d see a flash of remorse right after, but then her face would go blank. When you said she thought she’d walk free, how do we know that’s not what happened in the end? She’s free now. She’s still my baby. Maybe you hearing this, you can let go of some of your anger too?”

  God. I felt so fucking raw. My voice grated out, “She hurt Titi. I can never forgive her for that.”

  “Oh, baby. You carry so much anger, and I know. I know you. You tuck all that down, bury it, and go and you keep shining on the ice. I know you might not want to hear this, but Sarah had a message for you. Do you want to hear it? I won’t push it on you if you don’t want to hear it.”

  A message? Through a medium? From my dead sister?

  “I don’t think so, Mom.”

  “When you’re ready then. I have it written down. Maybe I can mail it and you can open it when you want to? How about that?”

  I didn’t answer. I had nothing good to say right now.

  She murmured, “If I send it, you need to promise not to throw it away or tear it up. I want that promise right now.”