How could Jillian have been so nearsighted? Not even when Diana had warned her of the potential consequences, did she ever have a second thought about Laura or helping her. Now, here she was sitting on the cold tile in her foyer without any of the things she held most dear. She hadn’t just risked her own career, she had risked Laura’s too. Just as Laura feared, she would once again be forced to start over, and this time it was Jillian’s fault.

  What have I done?

  * * *

  As soon as the door slammed shut, Laura stripped out of her work clothes. She thought for a second about taking a shower but crawled into her bed instead. The cool sheets felt even colder on her overheated skin. She turned over to face the wall and pulled the blankets up over her head. Laura buried her face into the soft pillow and let the tears come. A knock on the door made her growl. “Go away,” she yelled from beneath the covers.

  The second knock was louder and more persistent. She tried to ignore whoever it was hoping they would give up and leave. The third knock sent her over the edge. Laura threw back the covers, kicking her legs free of the tangled sheets. She stomped over to the door and flung it open. “What?”

  BJ stood on the other side in the hallway with his mouth agape. “Do you want a robe or something?”

  Laura looked down at herself. There she was standing in the doorway in nothing but a pink bra and blue cotton panties. But she couldn’t care less. “BJ, I’m not in the mood. Please, just leave.” Even if she tried there was no hiding her pain.

  She tried to close the door, but he pushed his hand against it. “What happened?” The look on his face was of true concern, but she couldn’t talk about it.

  “Please. I love you, but I can’t handle this right now.” She wrapped her arms around her bare torso. The last thing she wanted was his wise words.

  “Come on. I promise I won’t speak unless spoken to.”

  He took her hand and stepped into the room, closing the door behind him. He led her back to her bed and sat her down while he picked up the mangled pile of bedding from the floor. BJ flapped out the sheets and told her to lie down before tucking her beneath them. He kicked off his shoes and lay down next to her. She curled up into his side, and he stroked her hair. As he promised, he kept his opinions to himself.

  She cried into his shirt, soaking it with tears and snot, but he just held her close. She sniffed and tried to wipe away the evidence, but it was a hopeless attempt. “I’m sorry.”

  “Seriously? That’s nothing compared to what was on this shirt last week.” He leaned over to her nightstand, picked out several tissues from the box, and handed them to her.

  As she wiped her stuffy nose she said, “They know about us.”

  “Who’s they?”

  “Who isn’t? The board, Director Chapman, human resources. Probably everyone at the park by now,” she said.

  “I swear, I didn’t say a thing. Not even to Brooke.”

  “It’s fine. It doesn’t matter.”

  It didn’t matter how they found out, but whoever had told them had done so with the intent of destroying one or both of them. There was one person at the institute who clearly had too much time on their hands while everyone else was minding their own business. Whatever the reason behind it, Diana had succeeded. Laura explained how her morning had played out and how it had gone from heaven to hell in a matter of minutes. She had been living her best life, caring for the animals she loved next to the woman who had stolen her heart.

  “Are they going to fire her?” he asked.

  “They better not. That would be the worst mistake they could ever make.”

  “That’s for sure,” he said.

  “I just need to figure out what I’m going to do. She may be back in a couple weeks, but she’ll still be the director, and I’ll still be a trainee.” That knot in her throat felt like a ball of rusty nails. He kissed her on the top of her head just like Jillian had done, and her heart twisted. “You should have seen her face, BJ. And she wouldn’t even look me in the eye.” Laura almost would have preferred an actual slap in the face than have Jillian pull away from her like she did.

  “You can’t know what she was thinking. No matter how close you are, you aren’t a mind reader.”

  “Don’t. Don’t feed me your creepy wisdom like you’re a fucking ancient wizard in a teenager’s body.”

  “Uhm, sorry?”

  “You said you wouldn’t, BJ.”

  “And you didn’t honestly believe me, did you?” He took one of her tissues and wiped away the tears that had pooled in the corner of her eye. “What I’m saying is that you don’t know what happened or what she’s feeling. She may be as brokenhearted as you are.”

  The thought of Jillian hurting as much as she was made Laura feel ill. She sat up, ready to lunge for the trash can if she became sick. Laura tried to speak through the outburst of violent sobs. “And I…can’t even be…there for her.”

  “Bullshit. Do you want to see her?”

  Of course, she did. Why would he even ask her that? “Yes, but—”

  “Then get dressed and let’s go,” he said, jumping up out of bed.

  “If someone sees us together, she could lose her job, BJ.” Laura was talking rationally, but she had also gotten out of bed and rushed to pull on a pair of jeans.

  “Don’t worry about that.”

  Laura stuck her arms into her T-shirt as she chased after him. She had no idea what she was doing, she just knew that she had to see Jillian. Instead of taking the path through the park that she knew, he led her out into the parking lot.

  “Where are we going?”

  “Don’t ask questions.”

  At the edge of the parking lot was an eight-foot chain link fence with a spiral of barbed wire running across the top. She followed him along the fence behind several maintenance buildings toward a thick bamboo grove. Once through the foliage, they reached the edge of the property where it touched the shore line. The emerald waters of the Bay lapped gently at the narrow strip of sand between them and the water.

  “It’s beautiful here, but what are we doing?”

  BJ set his hands on her shoulder and turned her to the left and pointed up the coast about fifty yards. Through the vegetation, set back from the water was Jillian’s house. Laura’s stomach leapt into her throat. Her sense of direction was so turned around, and she wanted to know how on earth BJ knew about this back road to the house, but more than that she wanted to see Jillian.

  “Go on,” he said and nudged her forward.

  Laura hesitated. “What if Diana’s there now like she was that last time?”

  He took her hand and led her to the corner of the house and had her wait while he knocked on the door. Several long seconds ticked by without an answer, and Laura’s heart sank. This was all so high school, and she began to feel embarrassed that she’d let him drag her through the bushes like this. He turned to her and shrugged, and she was waving him back when the door opened. She couldn’t hear what was said or even see if it was Jillian who’d come to the door. He stepped off the porch toward her and her heart hammered in her chest.

  “She’s alone and honestly looks worse than you do.” He kissed her cheek and gave her another light push toward the still open door before disappearing the way they had come.

  Jillian was standing just inside the doorway looking as wrecked and weary as Laura felt. She was afraid to reach out for her in case she once again pulled away. “You shouldn’t be here, Laura.” Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot from crying.

  “I know. Can I please come in before someone sees me?”

  Jillian stepped back and let her in. “They suspended me. For two weeks. I can’t see you or the girls. I can’t even go into the park that’s ten steps away from my front door.”

  “I know.” When Laura took a single step toward her Jillian didn’t move away.

  “Then what are you doing here? We could both lose everything.”

  She took another step and said, “It wouldn’t be the first time.”

  “It would be for me, Laura. This is all I’ve ever known. I just can’t take these risks like you can.”

  Laura hadn’t considered their love a risk. “But you told me that anything worth doing—”

  Jillian cut her off. “This isn’t a game or some wild adventure. This is my life. I have people and animals that rely on me. I can’t just throw all of that away and start over at the beginning.”

  “But you can throw us away?” If Laura had thought her heart couldn’t be broken any more, she was wrong, because Jillian had just shattered it. “Don’t you love me?”

  “This isn’t about love. We got caught up in the excitement, the emotions. Neither of us thought this through.”

  “That’s what love is, Jillian. That’s how it begins, not why it should end.” She reached for Jillian hoping she didn’t pull away this time. When she didn’t, Laura wrapped her arms around her waist.

  Jillian shuddered as Laura held on tight. Even if she had wanted her to let go Laura wasn’t going to.

  Jillian rested her head on Laura’s and held her. “I’m so sorry for this mess we’re in, my sweet girl. I just don’t know any other way around it.”

  “I’ll withdraw. They won’t expel me, I asked. But I will leave the program and we can be together.”

  “You what?” Jillian pulled back from Laura and looked at her. “Why would you do that?”

  Laura wiped away the wetness on Jillian’s cheeks with her thumbs and held her face gently in her hands. “Because I love you.”

  Jillian squeezed her eyes shut and tears dripped from her lashes. When she opened them, they were pained and distant. “No, Laura. You’ve come too far. I can’t. I won’t let you do that, not because of me.”

  “So, what then? We go on working and living side by side and pretend none of this ever happened? That we never happened?” This time it was Laura who backed away.

  “We have to.”

  “And then what? Six months from now you’ll still be the director and I’ll…I’ll just be that girl you fucked once. Is that it?” Laura could barely speak and breathe at the same time. Her head was throbbing, and her empty stomach threatened to revolt.

  “Please, Laura, this is killing me.”

  “It’s fine. I get it. I’m not worth it. I’m just not worth the risk.” Through a cloudy haze of tears, Laura fled Jillian’s house. She ran down the porch and through the bushes toward the fence the way BJ had brought her. Her face and limbs stung as thin branches whipped across her skin. When she reached the fence line where it stretched out into the water, she dropped to her knees and vomited.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  Laura had spent the rest of the day in bed. She didn’t eat. She drank very little, and she called in sick for her shift that night. BJ had come by to check on her, and she’d sent him away. Unlike the time before, he didn’t continued to knock until she relented and let him in. Somewhere around two a.m. she’d roused enough energy for a quick shower.

  Thankfully, at that time of morning the chances of running into anyone was less than slim. She was glad for the moments that she was asleep because she was free from the melancholy that consumed her while she was awake. During every waking minute she replayed Jillian’s rejection. In the end she simply wasn’t worth the risk. Jillian had chosen the safety and stability of the life she had instead of taking a chance on the promise of something more.

  She wasn’t sure how she could blame her. Who didn’t want the comfort and security that Jillian had? Laura knew it was what she wanted as well; she just wanted it with Jillian. Laura wished for nothing more than to crawl back under the covers and stay there until the pain went away, but she couldn’t.

  The silence of her room was deafening, and she would go mad trying to hush the voices in her head.

  Laura got dressed, pulled her hair back into a messy knot, and headed to the fish house. She took the long way around to avoid any chance of running into Jillian, even though it was next to impossible as she wasn’t allowed in the park. She took her time shuffling along past the turtles and otters and stopped for a bit to watch the trainers feed the sea lions. Their playful antics and loud barking put a tiny smile on her face. A small group of young pups wrestled in the waves while the older lions were more focused on the leggy squid they were getting for breakfast.

  “Laura, don’t just stand there, grab a bucket,” one of the trainers shouted from the rail. She didn’t have to be told twice. She picked up a heavy steel pail and joined in the feeding frenzy.

  It was an instant mood booster, and for a second her heart felt a little lighter. She grabbed a large slimy squid from her bucket and threw it out to the large bull, Leroy. It caught a spin, like an alien helicopter and wrapped around his face and mouth. Laura and everyone else laughed as he whipped his head around to shake it off and gobble it down. It was a short-lived joy when she heard Diana holler out her name. It almost reminded her of the way her mother had shouted at her when she’d done something wrong. Laura set the bucket down and turned around.

  “Too sick to make rounds, I see.”

  “I’m feeling better now. I was just getting out for some air.”

  “We don’t get to pick and choose the tasks that we do around here, Laura. Regardless of how you’re used to doing things.”

  Laura supposed she should’ve expected the snark. “I know that.”

  It was clear that Diana didn’t want to hear anything Laura had to say. “You shouldn’t even be here, Ms. Carter. It’s because of you that Jillian isn’t. Thanks to your lies and secrets.”

  Diana could have easily slapped her in the face and had the same effect. The sting of fresh tears burned her tired eyes, but she wouldn’t give her that power. “Do you think I don’t know that? Do you think I haven’t spent every second of the last twenty-four hours blaming myself for all of this?”

  “Then why are you still here, and she isn’t?” There was a grumble in Diana’s voice that almost made Laura step back, but she stood her ground.

  “I asked them to expel me instead, and they refused. And I should ask you the same questions since we wouldn’t even be having this discussion if you knew how to mind your own damn business.”

  “I suggest you change your tone, Laura,” Diana snarled.

  “Or what? They’ll expel me? Suspend me? I already told you, I tried that.”

  “Then quit. Quit before someone else gets hurt.”

  “I haven’t hurt anyone except myself. And I’m certainly not going to quit because you tell me to.” Sure, she had thought about it. Truthfully, she was still thinking about it. But she’d be damned if she was going to give anyone, most of all, Diana that satisfaction.

  “Give it time.”

  “If we’re done here, I’m going to finish helping with breakfast.” Laura turned her back to Diana and reached for the bucket. As she hooked her two middle fingers around the handle, Diana snatched it away from her. Ice and gelatin cubes sloshed out onto the concrete along with a fishy soup mixture. Laura stood there in shock with the tips of her fingers stinging where the nails had bent back. She clenched them into a fist and squeezed against the pulsing pain.

  “I don’t want you anywhere near the animal enclosures unless it’s during your rounds. No feedings, no encounters, no animal interactions whatsoever. Those are privileges, not rights, and you no longer have either.”

  It seemed that Diana had just put Laura on the fast track out of the program. “So, what am I supposed to do when I’m not working?” Laura asked.

  “You can spend all your time in the fish house scrubbing scales off the walls for all I care. Until Jillian gets back, I’m the boss around here, and I suggest you make yourself invisible.”

  “So it was a power play? And here I thought you did all this out of raging jealousy.” For someone so furious about Jillian’s suspension she sure was quick to step into her shoes.

  Diana’s face was scarlet, and her eyes burned with ferocity, but Laura stood her ground. She knew that she had gotten in a good blow. Although it was Diana who got the last word when she tipped over the bucket and dumped the entire cold, gelatinous stench onto the ground and Laura’s sneakers along with it.

  “I need you to clean that up,” she said as she dropped the pail with a loud, metal clang and walked away.

  As Laura stooped to scrape up the ice and muttered, “Bitch.” She hadn’t said it discreetly, though Diana hadn’t given her any indication that she’d heard her. Next time she’d be sure that she made it clearer.

  What bothered Laura most wasn’t that her shoes had been soaked through with fish guts, but that Diana had intentionally deprived these animals of their meal. Her jealousy and madness had her so consumed that she had wasted an entire bucket of food. Laura had to wonder what someone like Jillian had ever seen in a woman like Diana.

  Laura pushed the mess into the bucket as best she could with her hand. Her fingers were still throbbing where her nails had been torn away from the bed. She was a little disappointed that she wasn’t a violent person because she would have loved to have broken Diana’s damn nose, sore fingers or not. She took the wasted seafood back to the fish house and threw it out. After vaguely letting them know what happened, she picked out a replacement bucket from the cooler. Laura thought twice about going back to the team at the sea lion exhibit, but then decided she didn’t give two shits if Diana saw her or not. The only reason she had to do it was because of her anyway.

  It was almost shift change when she returned to the fish house and waited for BJ and Brooke to clock out. As they were a team, she felt it was necessary to warn them in case Diana decided to include them in her vengeance plan. It was one thing to punish Laura, it was another to punish the others just because they were friends. As soon as she saw them, it was obvious they already knew something.