“Aww. Is lil Beej afraid of some poopy?”

  “Steven, knock it off. You’re not funny.” Laura warned him again, but he ignored her.

  Before she could reach out to stop him, he lunged at BJ with his nasty hand. Instinctively, BJ jumped back out of his reach, but there was nowhere to go except for into the water. His feet kicked wildly at the edge of the deck before he fell backward off the boardwalk. Steven howled with laughter as BJ landed flat on his back against the water. Laura could see the wind knocked from his lungs before he went under engulfed by a huge splash.

  The others stood in silence staring at a proud Steven, his chest puffed as he wiped off any remaining bird shit down the thigh of his sweatpants. Laura’s heart raced with rage and anxiety. She wanted to lunge at him and scratch his face like a mountain lion, but she was more worried about BJ. He’d hit hard and sunk quickly. Instead of jumping on Steven, she leapt into the water where BJ had gone under.

  The water was cloudy where the commotion had kicked up sand from the bottom. She fumbled around, feeling with her hands for any sign of him. She opened her eyes to get a quick look for where he might be but saw nothing. The salt water stung her eyes. Clouded shadows and flickering rays of light that streaked into the water all around her. She began to second-guess her decision to jump in. She tried to focus on finding BJ, but she couldn’t see him. All she could see were millions of tiny bubbles racing to the surface as she looked up toward the light.

  The blue sky beckoned her to the surface much like it had that day. But she couldn’t reach it no matter how hard she tried. She kicked her legs, but they felt weighted as she sunk deeper. Her boots. She still had on her rubber muck boots, and now they were filled with water. The realization that she was sinking to the bottom of the lagoon terrified her. She struggled with each boot until she was free. She kicked her legs and flailed her arms, but she wasn’t moving. Her lungs burned for air. Something grabbed hold of her ankle, and she transported back to those last few seconds before everything in her world turned black.

  There she was once again ten feet beneath the water’s surface with her foot tangled in the cypress roots. But this time the roots released her and pushed her toward the surface where she found herself gasping for air as she broke through. The sound of blood rushing through her ears muffled the chaos around her as everyone’s hands and arms grasped at her, pulling her out of the water.

  Sitting next to her was BJ. She hacked up the salty water she’d swallowed. Through the crowd, she spotted Jillian. Her face was fire engine red, and she towered over a very submissive Steven. Laura couldn’t hear what she was yelling, but the anger on her face spoke volumes. A hand gripped her arm, and she turned to face BJ. She was filled with relief to know that he was okay. No thanks to her.

  “I’m sorry,” Laura said.

  “Sorry? You jumped in to rescue me. Don’t apologize.”

  “But I didn’t. It’s clear that I made the situation worse by trying to help.”

  “Don’t be stupid. It was Steven’s fault, and nobody else’s. Big dumbass.”

  Laura looked up to see a concerned Jillian staring at her. “Is everyone all right?”

  BJ and Laura answered at the same time, “Yes.”

  “What happened down there, Laura? BJ came up long before you did, and then went back for you.”

  Laura’s head snapped to BJ. “You did?” BJ shrugged and nodded.

  Of course, he had. Laura hadn’t any idea where she was or how long she’d been underwater. From the moment she’d gone under, all her ability to rescue BJ had vanished. She’d been worse than worthless and she had made herself a liability. She wasn’t even in a clear mind when she jumped in after him, instead of going after Steven. Now here she was soaking wet, amidst curious onlookers reliving the memories that haunted her nightmares.

  The difference now was Jillian, who stood among the group yet said nothing. The disappointment on her face was clear, and Laura began to cry. This was it. This was the true end of her dream.

  Laura pushed herself up from the ground and opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. She could feel everyone’s eyes on her. They were judging her, shaming her. Her last chance slipped away from her like it was her very last breath. She had failed. Laura pushed through the crowd and ran. She was so out of control. She wanted to scream, cry, and throw up, but she couldn’t even focus enough to choose a physical reaction.

  Her adrenaline was in overdrive. She could run a hundred miles without ever stopping. Maybe if she did, she could outrun this haunting shadow that was smothering her. This phantom of death that had followed her every day for ten years. She had no command over the debilitating fear that it would one day come for her again and succeed at holding her under until her last breath was pressed from her lungs. Laura knew that feeling all too well, yet somehow, she had narrowly escaped that fate. She was certain, however, that the reaper would keep trying every time she got into the water.

  She found herself standing at the edge of the property where the last pool bordered the teal blue waters of the Bay. She might have kept running if she’d had on shoes and the barbed wire fences around the perimeter of the park had not been there. Her body and soul were torn between the peaceful view and her fear of the water that stretched out before her. She allowed herself to cry freely here out of sight of anyone. She sobbed without restraint, so much so that she’d not heard anyone approach behind her.

  “Laura?”

  Laura gasped, choking on her tears. She swiped at her face with both hands. She didn’t need to turn around; she could recognize Jillian’s voice in a crowded room. “Yeah?” She continued to stare out at the blurry horizon.

  “What’s going on with you?” Jillian asked.

  “I…I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”

  “Can’t do what?” Jillian asked, grabbing Laura by the shoulder and turning her around to face her.

  “Any of it. I thought I could. I thought I was better. And he warned me, but I wouldn’t listen.”

  “Laura, look at me.” Jillian cupped Laura’s chin and tipped her face up to hers.

  “Who warned you? Steven? I’m taking care of him. I will not tolerate that sort of behavior in my program.”

  “No. Dr. Shaw. He told me I might not be ready. But I didn’t want to hear it.”

  “What aren’t you telling me? Because this all seems a bit of an overreaction to what just happened.”

  The urge to be sick rose into her throat, and Laura’s mouth watered. She took a few deep breaths through her nose and blew them out slowly.

  * * *

  The anguish on Laura’s face was clear. Whatever she was about to say went much deeper than the incident with Steven and BJ. Laura looked her in the eyes, and Jillian’s heart sank. The sparkle of happiness they once had was masked by the tears. “Please tell me what is going on.”

  “I have PTSD.”

  The words took her aback. They weren’t what she expected her to say. Jillian hadn’t seen anything about the military or being overseas in her file, and there was certainly no mention of post-traumatic stress disorder.

  “Well, that along with the other things that go along with it like depression, anxiety, and panic attacks.” Jillian knew the latter were par for the course with a PTSD diagnosis. Plenty of her friends and relatives were happily medicated for their own synaptic battles, but PTSD wasn’t a common mental illness and no doubt should have been mentioned in her medical disclosure. Jillian’s head was spinning. She needed to grab hold of this situation before it, and Laura, continued to spiral out of control.

  “Come here,” she said, running her hand down Laura’s arm and taking her hand. She pulled her to a nearby bench and sat her down. “I need to know everything, Laura. If your illness puts yourself and others in danger, I need to know about it.”

  “I thought I was better. I wanted to be better, but I guess I never will be.” Laura was rambling and mumbling, and Jillian was growing more frustrated with every second that passed.

  “Laura, spill,” she said, squeezing Laura’s hand.

  “I drowned. Well, almost drowned. Ten years ago.”

  Jillian’s stomach somersaulted. “What?”

  “It was a senior field trip to Crystal Springs. A biology thing. We’d spent the morning collecting samples and specimens from the river for a class project. After lunch we got free time to spend down at the springs for a swim until it was time to head back.”

  Jillian had visited Crystal Springs on several occasions for manatee rescues. So, she knew where Laura was talking about. “That sounds like an interesting trip,” she said, hoping she would continue.

  “It was. At first. The water was abnormally high after one of our Florida monsoons. It had rained for three days straight or something, and the water level was well over the banks. Not that us kids thought anything of it, of course.”

  Jillian could feel Laura’s hand trembling beneath hers. “As kids we were all invincible. Or so we thought, right?”

  “Right, and I learned the truth the hard way. My friends were taking turns swinging out into the river from a rope. They were doing flips and tricks one after the other as I sat back and tried to find my courage. Everyone was giving me shit, and I knew they weren’t going to stop until I did it.” Laura looked up and into Jillian’s eyes. “I wanted to do it, so it wasn’t like they pressured me. More like built me up until I got up the courage.”

  “I understand that limbo between fear and excitement.” Jillian felt something similar every time she got into the water, even after all of these years.

  “So, I did it. I grabbed the rope, got a running start, and swung out over the water just like everyone else had before me. I suppose I went a bit farther out than they did or let go a few seconds later than everyone else.” Laura was wringing her hands as her leg tapped.

  Jillian rested her hand gently on Laura’s knee hoping to provide some sort of comfort. “And then what happened?”

  Laura took a deep breath and sighed. “Well, that’s where things get a little fuzzy. I remember hitting the water because it was freezing cold. I also remember feeling my legs scrape against a root or branch of some sort. But then everything else is a bit of a blur. I see most of it in flashes, like photographs. Things like streaks of light from the surface, my hair sort of loose and weightless, dark shadows in the distance.”

  Jillian’s pulse was racing as she listened to Laura’s haunting memory. “Oh, Laura.”

  “The worst part was the urgent need to breathe but knowing that I couldn’t. My body was on fire as I struggled against whatever was holding me down. I could feel my heart rate begin to slow, and I knew I was dying. I wanted to scream out for help, but no one would have heard me.”

  Jillian spent half of her life underwater and had never experienced something so terrifying. She wanted to hold Laura, to protect her. She wanted to save her from this never-ending nightmare.

  Laura pulled up her pant leg to expose a long scar that ran from her calf to her ankle. “I don’t remember anything else until I woke up in the hospital with this.”

  Jillian ran her fingers down the rigid imperfection on her otherwise perfect skin. The suture marks were still visible after all these years and looked like a zipper. “Why didn’t you tell me? You should have said something.”

  “Would you have honestly still accepted me into this program if you had known?”

  “Maybe. Well—”

  “We both know the answer to that, Jillian. I’m a liability. To you, my teammates, and to the institute. I wanted this all my life, and I thought that if I pushed myself into it that maybe it would all work out.” Laura hung her head. “But I guess I was wrong.”

  Jillian sat quietly as she contemplated what to say next. She wanted to shower Laura with words of confidence and understanding, but she wanted to chastise her for putting lives in danger including her own by keeping this a secret. She didn’t want to rage at her the way she did with Steven. She wanted to pull her into a tight embrace and tell her she was safe in her arms.

  She understood why Laura chose to hide her past. There was no way TMRI, or any other reputable program, would take a chance on someone like Laura when the competition was so intense. She had lied her way into the institute and denied another student this rare opportunity. She had done so out of drive and passion to succeed, which Jillian wanted to commend. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “There isn’t anything to say. I’ll pack my things and be out by the morning. I’d like to say good-bye to BJ, but if I can sneak out early without a big, err, bigger scene, that would be great.”

  Jillian knew that was the best option for everyone. Quick, relatively painless, and then on with the show. Without Steven and Laura, she could clean up this mess in one easy swoop. However, there was one problem; she didn’t want Laura to go.

  “Just…just wait a minute. I need to think about this for a minute.” Jillian stood and paced back and forth. You need to expel her. Do I? No, you could let her quit like she said. But she’ll never get another chance. I don’t want to be the person to shatter her dreams like that. It’s not your fault. You can’t possibly take on that burden.

  Laura stood in front of Jillian to stop her from pacing. She rested her hands on Jillian’s biceps and rubbed her thumbs against her skin. The sweet gesture sent chills over Jillian’s body. Here in this moment of personal anguish, Laura was comforting her instead.

  “Look, this isn’t a surprise, Jillian. Hell, I should have hightailed it out of here on the first day after my meltdown at the otter exhibit.”

  “What meltdown?” Jillian hadn’t heard a thing about it.

  “Nothing. It’s not important now. I long ago convinced myself that becoming a dolphin trainer would never happen. That way when I turned forty and looked back, I wouldn’t be too heartbroken.”

  “No expectations. No disappointments. I get it.”

  Laura’s tears were gone, and her face was soft and composed. She had accepted her fate and was ready to move on. Or at least that’s what she wanted Jillian to think. The woman who wore her heart on her sleeve was gone. Laura had extinguished the light that shone in her eyes, and it was Jillian who stood there brokenhearted for her.

  “Thanks for everything, Jillian. I won’t soon forget it. Or you.” Laura pulled her in for a hug and pressed herself into Jillian. The moisture from Laura’s shirt was warm as it soaked into hers. Jillian could feel Laura’s soft body meld against her own, her full breasts and curves fitting perfectly. An unexpected heat burned in her core. Afraid that Laura could feel her sudden desire, Jillian pulled back from their embrace. Laura’s eyes were no longer void of emotion; now they were filled with heat, desire.

  Her dark eyes locked on to Jillian’s as she licked her lips. Jillian’s body hummed and her mouth watered as she wrapped her arms around Laura’s waist pulling her back in. She wanted to kiss her, to taste her, but she didn’t. Instead she let go and pushed away from the heat that fused them together. A rush of cool air chilled her skin where Laura’s wet body had been pressed against hers. In that moment, her absence was more than physical.

  Jillian adjusted her shirt and smoothed back her hair “I…I need to take care of some things. Don’t leave yet, okay?”

  “But, Jillian?”

  “Just don’t go. Not yet. Promise me?” Jillian asked, and Laura opened her mouth to protest. “Promise?”

  Laura sighed. “I promise.”

  Chapter Eight

  Laura stood in front of her bed and stared at the heap of clothing that covered it, nearly every piece of it was some shade of blue. Those she picked out and set off to the side. She wasn’t sure if they’d want them back, but she didn’t want to assume otherwise. If they didn’t, maybe she could put them in a basket and let the others take what they wanted. All of them except maybe the one she had on. Laura was still a bit taken aback by the intimate turn her time with Jillian had taken. Who in their right mind could have predicted that what had begun as a pouring out of her heart would have ended in such a sensual embrace?

  She could still feel the warmth of Jillian’s belly pressed against hers. And those lips. Her full and luscious lips but a breath away from her own. She could only imagine how sweet she tasted. A fantasy that would forever remain just that.

  She dropped to her knees and folded her arms on the edge of the bed. Everything was so fucked up, but that didn’t come as a surprise. Laura couldn’t help but wonder if she had sabotaged herself on the very first day. That fearless woman who’d stomped confidently out of her therapist’s office was nowhere to be found. As a matter of fact, that might have been the last time she’d seen her.

  She got up off the floor and stood in front of the full-length mirror that hung on the back of her bedroom door. She pulled her hair out of its ponytail and ran her fingers through it. Laura studied her face, sliding her fingers over the tired bags beneath her eyes. She stretched the skin across her forehead and pulled up on the corners of her mouth to force a smile. She’d been here before. Many years earlier, she stood in her dorm at UC in front of a mirror much like this one. Nothing much had changed since her first college experience except the few added lines and wrinkles.

  She had cried more the first time, too. Laura was numb. There was no devastation, but also no overwhelming relief. She was exhausted.

  She crossed the room back over to her bed and pulled out her suitcase from underneath. As she flopped open the top, there was a knock at her door. BJ hadn’t even waited for her to respond before he came crashing in.

  “Where have you been? I had to cut and sort capelin by myself, soaking wet even.” He stopped and pointed to the new mess on her bed. “What are you doing?”

  “Packing.”

  “Uh-huh. I see that. What I should have asked was what the fuck are you doing? Where are you going? You aren’t leaving.”

  “I have to. I don’t have a choice,” she said, blowing a huge breath as she tossed a pile of shirts into her case.