“Don’t have a choice? Who isn’t giving you a choice? You don’t just leave the program, Laura. You die or get expelled.”

  “Well…”

  “No well. Do I look like Bruce fucking Willis talking to dead kids and shit? And there’s no possible reason you’d be expelled.” He put his hands on his hips.

  “In a way, I suppose. Sort of a self-inflicted expulsion.”

  “That’s not a thing. What happened?” BJ picked up her suitcase, tossed it onto the floor, and sat where it had been. The piles of clothes Laura had sorted and stacked toppled over.

  “Hey, watch out.” Laura grunted at his disregard for her hard work.

  “Screw that.” He waved off the mess. “What the hell happened, Laura?”

  “Christ, you sound like Jillian.” Before Laura could go into detail, a loud crash startled them both. It damn near sounded like the walls were coming down around them. Another loud bang echoed from the hallway, and they stared at each other with wide eyes.

  “We should lock the door,” BJ whispered, and Laura crept over to turn the deadbolt.

  Once the lock engaged, she stood with her ear at the crack listening for familiar voices. She could make out some muffled conversation and distant banging. BJ pressed up against her back as he tried to get a better listen.

  “That sounds like Brooke,” he said, squeezing between her and the door so he could get it open.

  “Wait!” Laura called out. But her warning was far too late, and BJ flung himself out into the hallway.

  Brooke and two others were huddled together watching the action unfold. The look of surprise on everyone’s face piqued Laura’s curiosity, and she stuck her head out into the hallway. Two male security guards blocked the men’s dorm wing, while Jillian, Fletcher, and Officer Williams stood in Steven’s doorway. Between bursts of shouting and profanity, pieces of clothing and garbage flew out into the hall. Jillian stood fast with her arms crossed, unflinching. She only moved to kick the debris into a loose pile off to the side. She looked like a beast, angry and daring anyone to step to her. Laura almost wanted to see Steven try just to watch her lay his ass out on the tile. She was a different woman from the one who just held her in her arms a little more than an hour ago.

  Laura and the rest of the gawking crowd gasped when Jillian turned her head toward them. There were no daggers, but there wasn’t a smile either, just obvious acknowledgement of their undesirable attention. Laura stepped back into her room and commanded, “In or out.” BJ and Brooke scooted in while the others scampered back to their own rooms.

  “Now that’s how you get expelled. Holy shit.” BJ covered his mouth and stifled a mischievous chuckle.

  “He had it coming. Childish lug,” Laura said. She picked up her suitcase and set it back onto her bed.

  “Why’s she packing?” Brooke asked BJ before she turned to Laura. “Why are you packing?”

  “I’m leaving the program. Some things have come up that I thought I had dealt with. And well…turns out I haven’t,” Laura said, stacking and restacking the pile of clothes, but not putting any more into her suitcase.

  “So, deal with it now,” BJ said.

  “I wish it was that simple. Believe me.”

  “Maybe you just need help. How can we help?” Brooke asked.

  Laura appreciated their concern, but she just wanted to start putting this all behind her. “All right, look.” She sat and slapped her hands on her knees and let out an exasperated breath. “Ten years ago, I was in an accident and almost drowned. I’ve been in therapy since then, but turns out my issues aren’t getting better, and I am putting myself and others in danger.”

  “Wow. So that’s why you went into full panic that day,” BJ said.

  “Yes. I probably should have walked away then, but I’m a little bit stubborn.”

  “So today when you went into the water after BJ…”

  “Let’s just say it brought back a lot of memories that aren’t ever going to go away.”

  “But—”

  “No buts, BJ. I lied to get into this program. I don’t even deserve to be here.”

  “That’s crap,” Brooke said. “Steven didn’t deserve to be here. You do.”

  “Thanks. That means a lot to—” Laura was cut off by a loud knocking at the door that made all of them jump. “Yes?” Laura’s voice rattled.

  “Laura, it’s Jillian,” she said through the door.

  “What the?” BJ mouthed, leaving his eyes and mouth wide open.

  Laura hushed them shaking her hands for them to sit and look normal. “Coming.” Laura opened the door wide so Jillian could see that she wasn’t alone. Not that she thought Jillian would take advantage of it if she were.

  “Hey,” she said before peering around Laura to greet the others. “BJ, good. I know it’s late, but can I see you both in my office, please?”

  “N…now?” he asked.

  “Yes, please,” she said to him. “Is that all right?” she asked Laura.

  “Of course.”

  Jillian smiled and walked away. That woman had the uncanny ability to make Laura’s knees weak whenever she smiled like that at her. Laura closed the door slowly and took a few beats before turning around to Brooke and BJ. When she did, she thought he looked like he was about to be sick all over her area rug.

  “What did I do? Oh my God. If she comes at me the way she did Steven, I’ll pass out. Did you see her face?”

  “Relax. I have a feeling that you must do something terrible to get that side of her. Trust me, she’s much softer than that.” Laura recalled just how soft when her body was pressed against hers.

  “You don’t say?” BJ’s color was back now. He waggled his eyebrows having caught her unintentional innuendo.

  “Shut up. That’s not…let’s go.”

  They headed off to Jillian’s office, leaving an apprehensive Brooke alone in the now empty hallway. Laura hoped BJ would grant her the gift of silence as they walked, but he didn’t. He spoke quietly, just loud enough for their ears alone. He didn’t say her name or look in her direction. Laura didn’t need to see his tears to know they were there.

  “You know, I thought about killing myself more than once before I even turned sixteen.” Laura’s heart dropped like a weight. “I know it doesn’t compare to what happened to you, but here we both are today. We’re battered and bruised, but alive. We’re right where we need to be. I don’t know what it’s going to take for you to overcome your fear. But whatever it is, I am here for you.”

  Laura wiped away the stream of tears that poured down her cheeks. She thought she was all cried out. BJ sniffed and cleared his throat before continuing.

  “It’s when we want to give up the most that we’re about to overcome. That last tired push before we reach the peak.”

  Laura grabbed him by the arm and pulled him to a stop. “I’ve tried to climb this mountain so many times before.” Her voice cracked.

  He turned to her and held her hands in his. “So, try again. We get one life, but it’s filled with as many chances as we want to take.”

  * * *

  BJ and Laura stood awkwardly in Jillian’s open doorway. BJ looked like he was about to be ill, and both appeared to have been crying. Their noses were pink and their eyes glassy with fresh tears. Jillian was worried that they both had very wrong ideas about why she’d called them to her office. Although Laura pretty much had one foot out the door, by the state of her bedroom. Both were still wearing their stale work clothes, and the scent of sea salt, old fish, and river muck wafted into the room with them. They both looked as bad as they smelled.

  “Good Lord,” Jillian said, covering her nose and mouth. “That smells like death.” BJ and Laura looked themselves and each other over before breaking out in laughter. “I’d threaten you both with a hose, but I’m afraid that would just make it worse.”

  BJ looked at Laura, and then to Jillian, “I’m sorry, was it something we said?”

  Jillian was glad that after all this afternoon’s chaos, everyone could still laugh. Jillian explained to them both what had happened with Steven. She didn’t go into detail, but she wanted them both to be aware of how seriously she took bullying of any kind. She spent a few minutes alone with BJ, to make sure that he understood why she had made the decision and to make sure that he was okay. This kid was wise beyond his years for reasons she couldn’t imagine. Maybe she had overreacted with Steven, but she couldn’t have cared less.

  “Is there anything else you’d like to discuss? Questions? Concerns?” Jillian asked as she wrapped up their short meeting.

  “Don’t let her go,” he said.

  Jillian wanted to say that she wouldn’t. She wanted to say that she’d hold on for as long as she could, and that she was going to do whatever it took not to. She wanted to say that the one thing she wanted was for her to stay, but she didn’t. “Unfortunately, I cannot discuss another trainee’s situation with you. However, if Laura or anyone chooses to withdraw from the program we have no authority to keep her from doing so.”

  BJ sighed and rolled his eyes at Jillian’s professionally disguised cop out. Had she been in his place she probably would have too. “Right.” He pushed up out of his chair and headed for the door.

  “BJ,” she said, stopping him in his tracks. “I’m going to do everything in my power to try.”

  “Thank you.”

  BJ left the door open, and after a few brief moments, Laura stepped into the room. Her hair was awry, her clothes were threatening to stand on their own, and she looked beaten and weary. But damn it, was she beautiful. Even in her darkest moment, she brought light into Jillian’s life. How could she not do whatever she could to help her?

  “How are you feeling?” Jillian leaned forward over her desk.

  “I don’t even know anymore.”

  “I couldn’t help but see that you were packing up your things.”

  “I was. Sort of. I kept getting interrupted. Is everything okay with BJ? I don’t want him dragged into my mess. He didn’t know anything.”

  Their devotion to each other was intense. Each of them more concerned for each other than for themselves. “He’s fine.”

  “Good. He’s an amazing person and doesn’t need me screwing things up for him,” Laura said.

  “You’re right. About the first part, of course. Although he’s more concerned about you.”

  “Yeah. He gave me one hell of a pep talk on our way over here.”

  Had he managed to convince her to stay? Was it that easy?

  “Yeah, I’ll miss him.” And just like that Jillian had her answer.

  “So, you’re still planning on leaving?”

  Laura groaned in frustration and slapped her hands on Jillian’s desk, holding them there. “Jillian, I could be the best animal behaviorist, nutritionist, public showman, and husbandry technician at this institute, and still—”

  “Second best,” Jillian interrupted and smiled.

  “Fine, second best. But if I can’t get in the water, what’s the point?” Laura was talking like she couldn’t be within a hundred yards of a pool without going into a panic. Jillian knew that wasn’t the case. She’d seen her wade into the lagoon without issue, as well as kneel in the shallows to feed the dolphins. There was obviously a trigger. If they could figure out what it was, maybe that would be the key Laura needed to unlock the fear inside her.

  “Hear me out, please.” She added the please when Laura opened her mouth in obvious protest. “I did some research earlier. Not much, but a few Google searches and earmarked a few psychology textbooks, and I came up with an idea.”

  Laura slid one of those large books off the top of the pile, “The Psychology of Behavior? This is a developmental text on animal behavior. There’s literally a moose on the cover,” Laura said, pointing to the image on the front.

  “Right. Actually, that’s an elk, I believe. But not the point.” She took the book from Laura and set it back on top of the pile. “The basis of behavior is psychology. It doesn’t matter if we’re working with dolphins, humans, or…elk.” Jillian held up the book and grinned. “As you know, our cognitive capacities are strikingly similar.”

  “I already have a therapist. A pretty good one, too.”

  “Okay, but do they work with you in the water? In your natural environment so to speak? Because that’s what I want to do.” If she could get Laura in the water with some cognitive reframing and exposure, she truly believed they could make this work. Jillian sat back as the emotions played out across Laura’s face. There was so much doubt, but there in her tired eyes was a glimmer of what looked like hope.

  “Jillian.” Laura sighed.

  “Stay. Keep attending your classes and keep your work schedule. Then, during your free time you’ll be with me. Give me four weeks. If we don’t make any progress by this time next month, you can go.”

  Jillian held her breath as Laura contemplated her offer. What she was doing was unprecedented, and almost certainly against some institute policy. But she wanted this, and she wanted this for Laura. The scientist in her wanted the challenge, but the woman in her wanted Laura. The seconds ticked by. Laura looked up from her lap, and deep into Jillian’s eyes, she could see her searching for something. Whatever she was looking for Jillian would give her.

  “I’ll give you four weeks.”

  Chapter Nine

  Laura was still reeling from both BJ’s emotional pep talk and Jillian’s unbelievable proposition. She couldn’t say if she’d have accepted the offer had BJ not punched her in the gut with such truths. Laura couldn’t help but feel like a petulant child when she compared her experiences with someone like BJ’s. It was an unfamiliar feeling to have people with such unwavering faith in her. Sure, she had her family and Dr. Shaw, but no one else had such intimate knowledge or understanding of her dreams.

  Laura remembered when she had that same faith in herself. That had been before her accident, but she knew a small part of that young girl was still somewhere inside her. The rest of her was locked away in an old wooden box at her parents’ house. Laura looked at the clock on her phone. It wasn’t quite eight o’clock. She was surprised it was still that early considering the absolute whirlwind the day had been since lunch. She even checked her alarm clock to make sure.

  She did the math in her head. If she left now, she could be to her parents’ place in Lakeland within an hour and back by eleven p.m. She slipped on a pair of jeans and snatched her keys from the bowl on her desk. On her way to the parking lot she called her mom to let her know that she was heading her way.

  “Why? Are you all right?” her mom asked.

  “Everything’s fine. Mom do you remember my box? The one Daddy made me to put all my keepsakes in?” Laura unlocked the car and slipped into the driver’s seat.

  “Of course, honey. It’s in the garage Why?”

  “Good. I’m coming out to get it.”

  “Laura Christine Carter, if I have to ask you why one more time.”

  “Mommy, relax. I’m just looking for the fearless little girl I hid away all those years ago. I’m certain she’s in that box with all of that crap I squirreled away.”

  “Oh, sweetheart. I’m almost positive that she’s hidden inside of you and not that old thing. But I’m so glad you’re looking for her.”

  Laura gave her mom an ETA and said good-bye. There was so much more than a hopeful future dolphin trainer in that chest. There was an entire eighteen-year-old who had saved her whole childhood. From a set of Lion King trading cards that her first girl crush had stolen for her, to the crushed Coke can filled with pennies from her first junior high pep rally, it was all in there. Her whole young life was packed away in it, and Laura felt more than a bit anxious about opening it up again. Of course, she still wondered if everything in it still smelled like that broken vial of Liz Claiborne cologne.

  The drive took less time than she had calculated either because she drove like a bat out of hell or because she had been preoccupied with all the memories waiting for her. When she got inside the house, she saw the sticker-riddled eyesore set out on the kitchen table. It seemed that her mother had gotten her dad to haul it out of the darkest corner of the garage. Thankfully so, as there was no way she could’ve wrestled it out on her own. Rainbows, dolphins, and NASA stickers were just a few among what could very well have been hundreds of stickers, and she only had to stand in front of it to get a whiff of its trademark scent.

  The clasp on the front used to be locked, back when all her deepest secrets were contained within. Now it was so bent and misshapen it didn’t even close right. She ran her hands over the top and down the sides remembering the last time she’d seen it. Laura slid her fingers along the black charring that marred the back. Laura was so grateful that her mother had taken the hose to her bonfire before she had destroyed it and all that it held.

  It was right after she dropped out of UC San Diego, maybe two weeks after coming home. She was in the worst depression of her life. She did little more than sleep and lose weight. On an exceptionally dark day she built a raging fire in the middle of her front lawn and tossed in books, clothes, photographs, and finally the box. Thanks to her mom, both she and the box were still around today, as it went into the garage and Laura went into therapy. Her heart was racing, and she held her breath. She got to forty-six seconds before a tap on her shoulder made her gasp.

  “We’re holding it again I see,” her mom said.

  “Unfortunately, yeah. Things have been sort of intense these last few days.” Laura sighed and hugged her mom tight.

  “I can imagine since you drove all the way here at nine o’clock at night for this thing.”

  Laura fingered the clasp with sweaty, shaking hands. She took several deep breaths as she prepared to open the box. She had wanted to be alone for this part, yet now she was kind of glad to have her mom with her.

  “What are you looking for in there, kiddo?”

  Laura thought about it for a few moments. What was she hoping to find in a box of old dreams and reminders? She looked at her mom and smiled. “Me.”